Elizabeth Taylor's entire jewelry collection was auctioned at Christie's for $140 million. So close and yet so far. Just one more marriage to Richard Burton would have nudged her over the $150 million mark.
The National Transportation Safety Board is urging states to ban all drivers from using any electronic devices while behind the wheel. Are they kidding? Like long-haul truckers would go along with a ban like that. "Ten-four, Rubber Duckie!"
The NFL signed a TV deal with Fox, CBS, NBC and ESPN that pays the league $28 billion. That's a record. The largest sum ever paid by Americans to a group of businessmen, not one of whom is Chinese.
Facebook has relocated to a new headquarters in Menlo Park, California. Unique building, though -- no rooms, just walls.
A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
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THURSDAY, December 29, 2011
New York police issued an Amber Alert when a nine-year old Tennessee girl flying by herself failed to arrive at JFK. Turns out Continental had rerouted her plane without notifying the girl's
grandparents. In Continental's defense, they did keep her in a safe place during the unscheduled
flight -- it was in he overhead bin, but still. . .
White Castle claims they're the first fast food emporium to offer beer and wine. Actually,
McDonald's tried it some years ago, but customers refused the test required before being
allowed to drive out of the parking lot -- blowing into a balloon that came with the Happy
Meal.
The Chilean newspaper La Tercera was ordered by a court to pay damages to readers who were
injured when a recipe they had read in the paper exploded. This probably spells curtains for the
popular personal advice column "Ask the Unabomber."
In a first for the NFL, owners have approved the sale of the Jacksonville Jaguars to Pakistani
businessman Shahid Khan. Team stats should improve dramatically. If the players don't shape up immediately, Shahid has instructed the coach to stone them.
grandparents. In Continental's defense, they did keep her in a safe place during the unscheduled
flight -- it was in he overhead bin, but still. . .
White Castle claims they're the first fast food emporium to offer beer and wine. Actually,
McDonald's tried it some years ago, but customers refused the test required before being
allowed to drive out of the parking lot -- blowing into a balloon that came with the Happy
Meal.
The Chilean newspaper La Tercera was ordered by a court to pay damages to readers who were
injured when a recipe they had read in the paper exploded. This probably spells curtains for the
popular personal advice column "Ask the Unabomber."
In a first for the NFL, owners have approved the sale of the Jacksonville Jaguars to Pakistani
businessman Shahid Khan. Team stats should improve dramatically. If the players don't shape up immediately, Shahid has instructed the coach to stone them.
WEDNESDAY, December 28, 2011
If you thought the Tiger Woods divorce was a professional athlete's worst nightmare, prepare for the Kobe Bryant prenup-a-thon. With the cars, the houses and the country club memberships already on Vanessa's score card, Kobe's attorneys have advised him to get too attached to his tattoos.
The once proud and indomitable Chicago Bears were eliminated from the playoffs at the hands of the Green Bay Packers, 35-21. For some brighter numbers, former Bear wide receiver Sam Hurd may have his federal drug dealing penalties reduced from life to 75 years.
Anxious to preserve their dwindling core of loyal customers, America's major retail chains now have the most forgiving return policies in history. For example in one store, a shoplifter gets his choice of a new item or one returned by another shoplifter and refurbished.
Los Angeles School District Police are investigating a rash of burglaries in which only tubas were taken from high school music department storage lockers. The cops set up a giant sting operation focusing on German beer parlors and Bowl games.
The once proud and indomitable Chicago Bears were eliminated from the playoffs at the hands of the Green Bay Packers, 35-21. For some brighter numbers, former Bear wide receiver Sam Hurd may have his federal drug dealing penalties reduced from life to 75 years.
Anxious to preserve their dwindling core of loyal customers, America's major retail chains now have the most forgiving return policies in history. For example in one store, a shoplifter gets his choice of a new item or one returned by another shoplifter and refurbished.
Los Angeles School District Police are investigating a rash of burglaries in which only tubas were taken from high school music department storage lockers. The cops set up a giant sting operation focusing on German beer parlors and Bowl games.
TUESDAY, December 27, 2011
Evidence is emerging that North Korean President Kim Jung Il may have been assassinated by the Army or by his son, Kim Jong, Jr.. Even worse, CIA photo analysts say the body shown lying in state may actually have been that of Marty Allen.
Big year for film pooches. In "Young Adult," Charlese Theron travels with her Pomeranian, the gendarme in "Hugo" patrols with a vicious Great Dane, and the leading man in "The Artist" is followed around by a Charles Russell terrier. All are up for this year's Irving Thalberg "Kibbles 'N' Bits Award" at the Oscars.
A predator drone like the one flown over Iran was used to expose ranchers stealing cattle in North Dakota. That's the good news. The bad news is the drone was later shot down by agents of the National Cattle Rustlers Association and now officials fear they'll reverse engineer it.
New York Yankees diamond wizard Derek Jeter reportedly pays bimbos he's picked up for one-night-stands with a pre-autographed baseball. Although, he claims it doesn't work very well on road trips. The balls usually roll off the dresser and wake them up.
Big year for film pooches. In "Young Adult," Charlese Theron travels with her Pomeranian, the gendarme in "Hugo" patrols with a vicious Great Dane, and the leading man in "The Artist" is followed around by a Charles Russell terrier. All are up for this year's Irving Thalberg "Kibbles 'N' Bits Award" at the Oscars.
A predator drone like the one flown over Iran was used to expose ranchers stealing cattle in North Dakota. That's the good news. The bad news is the drone was later shot down by agents of the National Cattle Rustlers Association and now officials fear they'll reverse engineer it.
New York Yankees diamond wizard Derek Jeter reportedly pays bimbos he's picked up for one-night-stands with a pre-autographed baseball. Although, he claims it doesn't work very well on road trips. The balls usually roll off the dresser and wake them up.
MONDAY, December 26, 2011
Carnival Cruise Lines is taking reservations for its April "Tides of Torture" cruise of the Caribbean that will feature all of the hit slasher movies of the past two decades. It will be the maiden voyage of their new 3,000-passenger luxury cruise liner the SS Freddie Krueger.
When Customs officials in Mexico City noticed a "tourist" who matched a photo on an international watch list, they refused to allow Moammar Kadaffi's son to enter the country. Just as well. If he thinks the Lybian people sought their revenge on dad, wait until he gets a taste of Montezuma's.
Researchers in Israel have developed a molecular "car" that can be inserted into the body to diagnose illness. Some problems while testing it, though. A doctor driving it through a patient's colon was texting and accidentally veered off into the patient's spleen.
Whoopie Goldberg is denying rumors that she passed wind while in the midst of interviewing a guest on "The View." In Whoopie's defense, the National Weather Service denied that their instruments detected any more wind coming from the studio than usual.
When Customs officials in Mexico City noticed a "tourist" who matched a photo on an international watch list, they refused to allow Moammar Kadaffi's son to enter the country. Just as well. If he thinks the Lybian people sought their revenge on dad, wait until he gets a taste of Montezuma's.
Researchers in Israel have developed a molecular "car" that can be inserted into the body to diagnose illness. Some problems while testing it, though. A doctor driving it through a patient's colon was texting and accidentally veered off into the patient's spleen.
Whoopie Goldberg is denying rumors that she passed wind while in the midst of interviewing a guest on "The View." In Whoopie's defense, the National Weather Service denied that their instruments detected any more wind coming from the studio than usual.
FRI, SAT, SUN, December 23, 24, 25, 2011
For the first time in Sunday Night Football history, a game at San Francisco's Candlestick Park was delayed when the lights went out. Niners management learned a good lesson. You can leave your heart in San Francisco and nothing happens, but forget to pay your electric bill and. . .
Items of Hollywood memorabilia was sold including props and set decorations from "The Wizard of Oz." Dorothy's famous ruby slippers went unsold, though. Actually, the auction was canceled when the auctioneer found a Munchkin curled up napping in the left one.
Fans are anxiously awaiting the start of the Beach Boys' "50th Anniversary Tour," scheduled for next summer. Should bring back memories. In the promotional video, several of the Boys are actually seen riding the waves -- using walkers balanced between two surfboards.
You can now purchase for only $250 a share of the Green Bay Packers that accrues no dividends and may not be sold or traded. There's absolutely no profit in owning any. It's like owning, say, a share in the company that makes "Jerry Sandusky Bath & Shower Fixtures."
Items of Hollywood memorabilia was sold including props and set decorations from "The Wizard of Oz." Dorothy's famous ruby slippers went unsold, though. Actually, the auction was canceled when the auctioneer found a Munchkin curled up napping in the left one.
Fans are anxiously awaiting the start of the Beach Boys' "50th Anniversary Tour," scheduled for next summer. Should bring back memories. In the promotional video, several of the Boys are actually seen riding the waves -- using walkers balanced between two surfboards.
You can now purchase for only $250 a share of the Green Bay Packers that accrues no dividends and may not be sold or traded. There's absolutely no profit in owning any. It's like owning, say, a share in the company that makes "Jerry Sandusky Bath & Shower Fixtures."
THURSDAY, December 22, 2011
Long feared as a crazed madman with his finger on the nuclear button, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il has died at age 69. Despite his ruthless reputation, he did possess a unique sense of humor. For instance, he pre-ordered his headstone to read: "I told you I was Il."
Newt Gingrich says that if he becomes president, he'll have Supreme Court Justices arrested if they make decisions that threaten American values. Is he kidding? Only one man in history could do that -- J. Edgar Hoover. Hasn't Newt seen the picture?
Exceeding all pre-publication expectations, Playboy Magazine's December issue featuring nude photos of Lindsay Lohan is breaking circulation records. Lindsay is said to be so proud of her layout, so far she's shoplifted forty copies.
Rolls-Royce Motors in London is now selling a gold-plated model with a sticker price of $1.5 million. The first American owner lives in Los Angeles and received it as a gift from her husband. Chances are that Mrs. Bryant will get to keep it in the divorce settlement.
Newt Gingrich says that if he becomes president, he'll have Supreme Court Justices arrested if they make decisions that threaten American values. Is he kidding? Only one man in history could do that -- J. Edgar Hoover. Hasn't Newt seen the picture?
Exceeding all pre-publication expectations, Playboy Magazine's December issue featuring nude photos of Lindsay Lohan is breaking circulation records. Lindsay is said to be so proud of her layout, so far she's shoplifted forty copies.
Rolls-Royce Motors in London is now selling a gold-plated model with a sticker price of $1.5 million. The first American owner lives in Los Angeles and received it as a gift from her husband. Chances are that Mrs. Bryant will get to keep it in the divorce settlement.
WEDNESDAY, December 21, 2011
According to leading audiologists, the 20% of the American public suffering from hearing loss all share similar causes: too many rock concerts, a job near heavy machinery or being at that Padres game when Roseanne Barr sang the National Anthem.
A well-known lingerie manufacturer in Colombia staged what is believed to be the first fashion show in a passenger jet cruising at 13,000 feet. Making it the first fashion show where the air was thinner than the models.
Warren Buffett shocked everyone in publishing by actually paying $200 million for the floundering Omaha World Herald. Warren's eyes aren't what they used to be. Turns out he misread the contract and thought he was buying Obama an endorsement from the World Heritage Foundation.
In Salt Lake City, a flock of migrating birds suddenly veered off course and dove head first into a nearby parking lot of a Wal Mart. While at a loss to explain the strange behavior, several leading ornithologists theorize that they may have been looking for some engines on a jet flown by Sully
Sullenberger to fly into.
A well-known lingerie manufacturer in Colombia staged what is believed to be the first fashion show in a passenger jet cruising at 13,000 feet. Making it the first fashion show where the air was thinner than the models.
Warren Buffett shocked everyone in publishing by actually paying $200 million for the floundering Omaha World Herald. Warren's eyes aren't what they used to be. Turns out he misread the contract and thought he was buying Obama an endorsement from the World Heritage Foundation.
In Salt Lake City, a flock of migrating birds suddenly veered off course and dove head first into a nearby parking lot of a Wal Mart. While at a loss to explain the strange behavior, several leading ornithologists theorize that they may have been looking for some engines on a jet flown by Sully
Sullenberger to fly into.
TUESDAY, December 20, 2011
Vanessa Bryant, wife of super-Laker Kobe who stood by him during admissions of on-the-road adulterous dalliances, has filed for divorce. She's charging the net star with irreconcilable differences -- of what constitutes a suitably-carited apology diamond.
Chicago Bears wide receiver Sam Hurd is charged with attempting to buy ten kilos of cocaine and 1000 pounds of marijuana to supply his drug distribution ring. On a more positive note, he's taking a class in Political Science from his cell-mate, former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich.
A Chicago disrobing emporium is offering free lap dances to men who agree to donate an unwrapped Christmas toy to homeless children. Actually, they can donate wrapped toys but the girls keep unwrapping them out of habit.
The Animal Rescue Center of Milwaukee is generating national publicity for its annual fund drive by displaying a kitten that was born there with 26 toes. Only six weeks old and already the kitty is a world record holder -- she can shred an entire leather couch in 6.8 seconds.
Chicago Bears wide receiver Sam Hurd is charged with attempting to buy ten kilos of cocaine and 1000 pounds of marijuana to supply his drug distribution ring. On a more positive note, he's taking a class in Political Science from his cell-mate, former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich.
A Chicago disrobing emporium is offering free lap dances to men who agree to donate an unwrapped Christmas toy to homeless children. Actually, they can donate wrapped toys but the girls keep unwrapping them out of habit.
The Animal Rescue Center of Milwaukee is generating national publicity for its annual fund drive by displaying a kitten that was born there with 26 toes. Only six weeks old and already the kitty is a world record holder -- she can shred an entire leather couch in 6.8 seconds.
MONDAY, December 19, 2011
GM is offering to buy back Chevy Volts after several models of the revolutionary electric automobile suddenly burst into flames. Ever alert to turn lemons into lemonade, the automaker also offers a free kit that converts the car into a very serviceable outdoor grill.
Eager to present the best of the British experience, Olympics officials have appointed Princes William and Harry as "goodwill ambassadors." They'll recommend the best London restaurants, theaters, tours and, for the Russian women athletes, the most popular shaving parlors.
Australian Customs authorities placed Kim Kardashian on an immigration "watch list" after she was found conducting business without proper permits. Seems she was promoting her line of designer clothing while trying to interest Crockodile Dundee in a three-month marriage.Much secrecy surrounded the recent visit to Colombia by Charlie Sheen, reported to be scouting locations for his next picture. According to inside sources, the film will depict the life of a successful cocaine kingpin and is tentatively titled "Two and a Half Nostrils."
FRI, SAT, SUN, December 16, 17, 18, 2011
Diamonds, rubies and emeralds in the estate of Elizabeth Taylor sold at auction for a record $115 million. Oft-married Liz was an accomplished actress... a successful philanthropist... and a role model for Kobe Bryant's wife.
Time Magazine announced their Person of the Year for 2011 is "The Protester." The Occupy Wallstreeters barely edged out Newt Gingrich, but Time's editors have shied away from power-crazed megalomaniacs since 1939 when they drew so much flack for naming Adolph Hitler.
In the biggest sports-politics story since former quarterback Gerald Ford ran for the House, Craig James, an analyst at ESPN, announced he'll seek a U.S. Senate seat. When asked his party affiliation, he told reporters he'll be running as a "Free Agent."
Both TLC and A&E have passed on a pitch for a reality show based on Todd Palin's career as a snowmobile race driver. Still on the Family Channel's drawing board however, is a sitcom focused on the home life of the famous couple tentatively titled "Fluke & Flake."
Time Magazine announced their Person of the Year for 2011 is "The Protester." The Occupy Wallstreeters barely edged out Newt Gingrich, but Time's editors have shied away from power-crazed megalomaniacs since 1939 when they drew so much flack for naming Adolph Hitler.
In the biggest sports-politics story since former quarterback Gerald Ford ran for the House, Craig James, an analyst at ESPN, announced he'll seek a U.S. Senate seat. When asked his party affiliation, he told reporters he'll be running as a "Free Agent."
Both TLC and A&E have passed on a pitch for a reality show based on Todd Palin's career as a snowmobile race driver. Still on the Family Channel's drawing board however, is a sitcom focused on the home life of the famous couple tentatively titled "Fluke & Flake."
THURSDAY, December 15, 2011
Alec Baldwin got into a Class A scuffle with an American Airlines hostess over his refusal to hang up his cell phone. Fans and supporters alike were shocked. They have one question. He's Alec Baldwin, for Pete's sake. Why doesn't he charter a Learjet and talk on his cell all he wants?
A female Wal Mart customer in Tulsa was caught mixing a batch of crystal meth in the store's Housewares Department. The store's Santa wandered by, thought it was holiday eggnog, and had to be plucked off the roof by a police helicopter.
A man hunting ducks near Salt Lake City was shot by his golden retriever who stepped on his shotgun. Officials at Winchester Arms, speaking through their attorney, continue to insist that their "Dick Cheney Model 300" has a pet-proof safety.
Dick Cheney says that the Pentagon should have destroyed that U.S. surveillance drone brought down in Iran. He claims he would have handled the situation differently. Maybe, but how easy would it be to convince Amadinajhad to go hunting with him?
A female Wal Mart customer in Tulsa was caught mixing a batch of crystal meth in the store's Housewares Department. The store's Santa wandered by, thought it was holiday eggnog, and had to be plucked off the roof by a police helicopter.
A man hunting ducks near Salt Lake City was shot by his golden retriever who stepped on his shotgun. Officials at Winchester Arms, speaking through their attorney, continue to insist that their "Dick Cheney Model 300" has a pet-proof safety.
Dick Cheney says that the Pentagon should have destroyed that U.S. surveillance drone brought down in Iran. He claims he would have handled the situation differently. Maybe, but how easy would it be to convince Amadinajhad to go hunting with him?
WEDNESDAY, December 14, 2011
According to the watchdog organization the Committee to Protect Journalists, more newsmen are incarcerated worldwide than ever. On the plus side, the inmate-produced newspaper in Colombia's maximum security prison "La Graybar Hacienda" is up for two Pulitzer prizes and a Peabody.
When the press reported that Lindsay Lohan had her purse stolen with $10,000 in it, some people were shocked that any woman would walk around with that much in her purse. But in Lindsay's defense, do you have any idea how much "Murray's Ankle Bracelet Deactivation of Encino" charges?
George Giuliani, Long Island University professor, has written a book condemning "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" as a story that glorifies bullying by the other reindeer. He plans several sequels including "The NRA Says 'Die, Bambi, Die!'" and "The Mad Hatter Promotes Drug Addiction."
Viing for the annual Grinch Who Stole Christmas Prize, a family in Miami snuck onto a neighbor's roof and stole a Santa lighting display complete with sleigh and reindeer. The police had no trouble locating the thieves. They forgot to unplug them.
When the press reported that Lindsay Lohan had her purse stolen with $10,000 in it, some people were shocked that any woman would walk around with that much in her purse. But in Lindsay's defense, do you have any idea how much "Murray's Ankle Bracelet Deactivation of Encino" charges?
George Giuliani, Long Island University professor, has written a book condemning "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" as a story that glorifies bullying by the other reindeer. He plans several sequels including "The NRA Says 'Die, Bambi, Die!'" and "The Mad Hatter Promotes Drug Addiction."
Viing for the annual Grinch Who Stole Christmas Prize, a family in Miami snuck onto a neighbor's roof and stole a Santa lighting display complete with sleigh and reindeer. The police had no trouble locating the thieves. They forgot to unplug them.
TUESDAY, December 13, 2011
GOP presidential hopeful Governor Rick Perry continues to show signs that he may not be the brightest bulb on the string. During a stump speech he referred to the "eight members of the Supreme Court." Then, attempting to name them, he stumbled when he got to Justices Donner and Blitzen.
As violent demonstrations raged in sixty cities of the former Soviet Union, there are signs that Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, long criticized for his harsh treatment of dissidents, may be treating them more humanely. He still water boards them but now he use Perrier and Avian.
Faced with a dwindling astronaut corps due to natural attrition and a rash of retirements, NASA has been interviewing potential replacements. Several applicants survived the psychological and mental testing but were rejected when the physical revealed that they were Tang intolerant.
The Los Angeles Angels have signed diamond wizard Albert Pujols to a record-breaking $250 million contract. Which makes Albert the highest paid Angel since God inked Gabriel to that 2500 year gig.
As violent demonstrations raged in sixty cities of the former Soviet Union, there are signs that Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, long criticized for his harsh treatment of dissidents, may be treating them more humanely. He still water boards them but now he use Perrier and Avian.
Faced with a dwindling astronaut corps due to natural attrition and a rash of retirements, NASA has been interviewing potential replacements. Several applicants survived the psychological and mental testing but were rejected when the physical revealed that they were Tang intolerant.
The Los Angeles Angels have signed diamond wizard Albert Pujols to a record-breaking $250 million contract. Which makes Albert the highest paid Angel since God inked Gabriel to that 2500 year gig.
MONDAY, December 12, 2011
A family in Columbus, Ohio returned home to find their Christmas tree had been completely decorated and stockings hung my the chimney. Police are confidant they'll catch the intruder. Luckily, a neighbor was able to jot down the license number of his getaway sleigh.
In Tokyo, auto giant Toyota has unveiled a street-legal vehicle that's best described as a cross between a Laz-E-Boy adjustable recliner and a motorcycle. Intended primarily for the elderly, it can be kick-started with a cane.
Charlie Sheen has been signed to star in a movie to be filmed in Colombia. He's already traveled to Bogota to scout locations and while there he did some Christmas shopping. He was spotted by local reporters buying wreaths, mistletoe and nose-candy canes.
Recent studies have confirmed what scientists had suspected for years -- that excessive use of laptop computers causes infertility in men. Just in time for last-minute Christmas shoppers, master-marketer Toshiba debuted their new 17-inch screen, "Trojan 500."
In Tokyo, auto giant Toyota has unveiled a street-legal vehicle that's best described as a cross between a Laz-E-Boy adjustable recliner and a motorcycle. Intended primarily for the elderly, it can be kick-started with a cane.
Charlie Sheen has been signed to star in a movie to be filmed in Colombia. He's already traveled to Bogota to scout locations and while there he did some Christmas shopping. He was spotted by local reporters buying wreaths, mistletoe and nose-candy canes.
Recent studies have confirmed what scientists had suspected for years -- that excessive use of laptop computers causes infertility in men. Just in time for last-minute Christmas shoppers, master-marketer Toshiba debuted their new 17-inch screen, "Trojan 500."
FRI, SAT, SUN, December 9, 10, 11, 2011
One of the bidders to purchase the Los Angeles Dodgers is Larry King. The players are already demanding they be traded if the rumors circulating around the club are true -- that they'd be required to wear suspenders on the field.
Issue #1 of Action Comics recently sold at auction for in excess of $2 million. Ironic, isn't it? That's the issue in which the Metropolis police chief seeks Superman's help in catching a publisher of overpriced comic books.
Seventies model/actress Christie Brinkley has vowed to straighten out her current problems with the IRS. Seems they take the position that declaring medical deductions of $8.3 million for fad diets was a tad excessive even for a model.
At the urging of medical authorities, Great Britain is considering a bill that would ban smoking in all automobiles and lorries. The health threat doesn't come from the tobacco use as you might think. Seems it gets so smokey in some cars, drivers inadvertently turn into a restaurant.
Issue #1 of Action Comics recently sold at auction for in excess of $2 million. Ironic, isn't it? That's the issue in which the Metropolis police chief seeks Superman's help in catching a publisher of overpriced comic books.
Seventies model/actress Christie Brinkley has vowed to straighten out her current problems with the IRS. Seems they take the position that declaring medical deductions of $8.3 million for fad diets was a tad excessive even for a model.
At the urging of medical authorities, Great Britain is considering a bill that would ban smoking in all automobiles and lorries. The health threat doesn't come from the tobacco use as you might think. Seems it gets so smokey in some cars, drivers inadvertently turn into a restaurant.
THURSDAY, December 8, 2011
Target has banned Salvation Army bell-ringers in front of their stores. It's not that they're against charities collecting funds for the disadvantaged -- what got them up-in-arms was the Army's refusal to purchase their kettles from Target's Home & Garden Department.
The U.S. Postal Service, faced with massive losses, will close hundreds of mail-sorting centers and cut back deliveries. Under their new guidelines, you should mail your Christmas gifts now to insure arrival by December 25 -- 2010.
Oceanographers are appealing to the public to report instances of hearing pilot and killer whales "singing." For those unfamiliar with undersea taxonomy, pilot whales are killer whales who need at least three Margaritas before they can take off on a hunt.
The San Francisco Board of Supervisors has voted to ban McDonald's Happy Meals because the small toys included in them pose a choking hazard. Which will disappoint the kids who have discovered that the toys usually taste better than the meal.
The U.S. Postal Service, faced with massive losses, will close hundreds of mail-sorting centers and cut back deliveries. Under their new guidelines, you should mail your Christmas gifts now to insure arrival by December 25 -- 2010.
Oceanographers are appealing to the public to report instances of hearing pilot and killer whales "singing." For those unfamiliar with undersea taxonomy, pilot whales are killer whales who need at least three Margaritas before they can take off on a hunt.
The San Francisco Board of Supervisors has voted to ban McDonald's Happy Meals because the small toys included in them pose a choking hazard. Which will disappoint the kids who have discovered that the toys usually taste better than the meal.
WEDNESDAY, December 7, 2011
Al-Jazeera will soon debut a new sports network providing daily reports on Middle East athletics. Included will be exclusive worldwide coverage of major events at the region's most popular arena -- Madison Square Garden of Allah.
For the first time, the FDA has lifted the once-sacrosanct ban on human consumption of horse meat. Several national fast food chains have already taken advantage of the new law. For instance, McDonald's popular Egg McMuffin is now served on a warm sea biscuit.
All of the popular "Sesame Street" Muppets are now being shown on Afghan television. In the premier episode, Kermit the Frog enthralled Afghan youngsters with his signature song "It's Not Easy Being in the Green Zone."
At the Scottsdale Rod and Gun Club, Arizona children can have their picture taken sharing Santa's lap with a Winchester 30-30 deer rifle. Each kid photographed becomes eligible for the big Christmas Eve drawing in which the winner gets to shoot Rudolph.
For the first time, the FDA has lifted the once-sacrosanct ban on human consumption of horse meat. Several national fast food chains have already taken advantage of the new law. For instance, McDonald's popular Egg McMuffin is now served on a warm sea biscuit.
All of the popular "Sesame Street" Muppets are now being shown on Afghan television. In the premier episode, Kermit the Frog enthralled Afghan youngsters with his signature song "It's Not Easy Being in the Green Zone."
At the Scottsdale Rod and Gun Club, Arizona children can have their picture taken sharing Santa's lap with a Winchester 30-30 deer rifle. Each kid photographed becomes eligible for the big Christmas Eve drawing in which the winner gets to shoot Rudolph.
TUESDAY, December 6, 2011
Child welfare authorities in Newark, New Jersey took a child away from a couple who had named him "Adolph Hitler." The parents wouldn't have reported him if the kid's first words hadn't been "Tomorrow, we invade Poland!"
The US Air Force Academy has installed a Stonehenge-like area where cadets who practice witchcraft may worship. Which is so popular, they've changed their fight song to "Coming in On a Wing... a Prayer... and an Incantation."
San Diego Charger place kicker Nick Novak is facing disciplinary action because a TV camera caught him relieving himself on the sidelines during a game. On a more positive note, his doctor watching at home diagnosed a urinary tract infection.
The Pentagon has unveiled a super-rocket capable of hitting any target on the planet within an hour. Unfortunately, they cost $10 billion apiece to build and China won't give us the money.
The US Air Force Academy has installed a Stonehenge-like area where cadets who practice witchcraft may worship. Which is so popular, they've changed their fight song to "Coming in On a Wing... a Prayer... and an Incantation."
San Diego Charger place kicker Nick Novak is facing disciplinary action because a TV camera caught him relieving himself on the sidelines during a game. On a more positive note, his doctor watching at home diagnosed a urinary tract infection.
The Pentagon has unveiled a super-rocket capable of hitting any target on the planet within an hour. Unfortunately, they cost $10 billion apiece to build and China won't give us the money.
MONDAY, December 5, 2011
The LA Sheriff's Department is reexamining the tragic death of Natalie Wood. They ruled out
murder, though. New evidence indicates she may have jumped overboard to get away from listening to Robert Wagner explaining reverse mortgages.
A new AMA survey shows that within a year 50% of all practicing physicians will rely on electronic devices exclusively. Mine already is. I called him last week because I had indigestion and he said, "Sounds like a virus in your firewall. Could be an allergy to Blackberries. Of course, I won't know until I see the Blu-Rays."
A Delta Airlines pilot recently got stuck in the restroom when the door latch malfunctioned. The
crew was becoming concerned that the plane wouldn't be able to fly itself, but even worse, the
stewardess had to leave his margaritas on the floor outside the door.
An elderly man in Moline, Illinois accidentally donated his suit to Goodwill with $13,000 sewn into
the seams for safe-keeping. Luckily, police quickly spotted the recipient of the second-hand suit.
He was pushing a shopping cart with a new set of Michelin steel-belted radials with mag rims.
murder, though. New evidence indicates she may have jumped overboard to get away from listening to Robert Wagner explaining reverse mortgages.
A new AMA survey shows that within a year 50% of all practicing physicians will rely on electronic devices exclusively. Mine already is. I called him last week because I had indigestion and he said, "Sounds like a virus in your firewall. Could be an allergy to Blackberries. Of course, I won't know until I see the Blu-Rays."
A Delta Airlines pilot recently got stuck in the restroom when the door latch malfunctioned. The
crew was becoming concerned that the plane wouldn't be able to fly itself, but even worse, the
stewardess had to leave his margaritas on the floor outside the door.
An elderly man in Moline, Illinois accidentally donated his suit to Goodwill with $13,000 sewn into
the seams for safe-keeping. Luckily, police quickly spotted the recipient of the second-hand suit.
He was pushing a shopping cart with a new set of Michelin steel-belted radials with mag rims.
FRI, SAT, SUN, December 2, 3, 4, 2011
Completing his military training in Arizona, Britain's Prince Harry rented a Harley and biked across the dessert to Las Vegas. Universal has already optioned the rights to the film they plan to call "Harry of Arabia."
Lady Gaga has released her first Christmas album of holiday favorites. Her penchant for wearing meat products is reflected in a few of the cuts like "Oh, Little Armor Star of Bethlehem"... "I'm Dreaming of a White Castle Christmas" and "Fillet Ride."
The Indian Ministry of Commerce has opened its doors to supermarkets already successful in other countries. They have a big advantage in India. When a computer in the check-out line breaks down, the tech support people are right there among the shoppers.
You can now avoid banks by opening a debit card account with Wal-Mart. They're even offering a premium for first-time customers who sign up for their MoneyCard -- a free pass to watch them unload the cargo containers from China.
Lady Gaga has released her first Christmas album of holiday favorites. Her penchant for wearing meat products is reflected in a few of the cuts like "Oh, Little Armor Star of Bethlehem"... "I'm Dreaming of a White Castle Christmas" and "Fillet Ride."
The Indian Ministry of Commerce has opened its doors to supermarkets already successful in other countries. They have a big advantage in India. When a computer in the check-out line breaks down, the tech support people are right there among the shoppers.
You can now avoid banks by opening a debit card account with Wal-Mart. They're even offering a premium for first-time customers who sign up for their MoneyCard -- a free pass to watch them unload the cargo containers from China.
THURSDAY, December 1, 2011
Drug Enforcement agents discovered a long, fully-ventilated tunnel being used to smuggle marijuana into San Diego. Now it's being put to lawful use. After the pot was removed, commuters began using it as an alternative to the bumper-to-bumper 405.
The National league cellar-dwelling Huston Astros will relocate next season to the American League. Forget the designated hitter rule. What they're really hoping for are some designated WINS.
The Christmas Season is now in full swing and even the Salvation Army is feeling the effects of the recession. They're so short of bell-ringers, they had to ask the Defense Department for some whistle-blowers.
Godfather director Francis Ford Coppola confided to an interviewer that he regrets making all those Corleone family sequels. While he was at it, he apologized to PETA for cutting off the head of a real horse in`the first one.
The National league cellar-dwelling Huston Astros will relocate next season to the American League. Forget the designated hitter rule. What they're really hoping for are some designated WINS.
The Christmas Season is now in full swing and even the Salvation Army is feeling the effects of the recession. They're so short of bell-ringers, they had to ask the Defense Department for some whistle-blowers.
Godfather director Francis Ford Coppola confided to an interviewer that he regrets making all those Corleone family sequels. While he was at it, he apologized to PETA for cutting off the head of a real horse in`the first one.
WEDNESDAY, November 30, 2011
Former "American Idol" winner Ruben Stoddard has been dropped by his wife of three years. From now on, he plans to marry Kardashians. He figures if his marriages aren't gonna last, he'd rather have a lifetime of great sex compressed into a couple of months.
A study on urban living shows that rich people walking from room-to-room in their over-sized mansions often forget what they were doing. Except when they're banished to the den for getting caught doing it with the maid.
A study by Triple A shows that hybrid automobiles are in far fewer accidents than gasoline-powered vehicles. The difference is attributed to their smaller size, slower speed and when a driver's heart pacemaker suddenly quits on him, the car's battery automatically kicks in.
According to the danger list issued annually by "World Against Toys Causing Harm," the "Samurai "Mega-Blade from Power Rangers is this year's most dangerous toy -- barely edging out the second place finisher, "Let's Play Coach" from Penn State Toys & Games.
A study on urban living shows that rich people walking from room-to-room in their over-sized mansions often forget what they were doing. Except when they're banished to the den for getting caught doing it with the maid.
A study by Triple A shows that hybrid automobiles are in far fewer accidents than gasoline-powered vehicles. The difference is attributed to their smaller size, slower speed and when a driver's heart pacemaker suddenly quits on him, the car's battery automatically kicks in.
According to the danger list issued annually by "World Against Toys Causing Harm," the "Samurai "Mega-Blade from Power Rangers is this year's most dangerous toy -- barely edging out the second place finisher, "Let's Play Coach" from Penn State Toys & Games.
TUESDAY, November 29, 2011
Meryl Streep is getting good buzz for her role as Margaret Thatcher in "The Iron Lady." The title had to be cleaned up to please the American censors. In Spanish-speaking nations, it's called "Cajonas en 10 Avenita Downing."
Upscale clothier Benetton was forced to withdraw a print ad showing Pope Benedict XVI kissing a Muslim cleric on the lips after Catholics complained. And that was the scaled-down version. In the first version, they used an altar boy.
Italian is such an expressive language. For instance, "paterno" in Italian means "father figure." Joe must have been that and more to Coach Sandusky. Almost every weekend, he gave him the keys to the shower room.
Figures compiled by the Census Department show that a college degree today is worth about $1 million over the life of its recipient. That's nothing. The ones that NBA players were supposed to get but didn't are worth a hundred times that much.
Upscale clothier Benetton was forced to withdraw a print ad showing Pope Benedict XVI kissing a Muslim cleric on the lips after Catholics complained. And that was the scaled-down version. In the first version, they used an altar boy.
Italian is such an expressive language. For instance, "paterno" in Italian means "father figure." Joe must have been that and more to Coach Sandusky. Almost every weekend, he gave him the keys to the shower room.
Figures compiled by the Census Department show that a college degree today is worth about $1 million over the life of its recipient. That's nothing. The ones that NBA players were supposed to get but didn't are worth a hundred times that much.
MONDAY, November 28, 2011
Agreement in the NBA strike settled after players decided to file an anti-trust action against the league. For those of you unfamiliar with legalese, "anti-trust" is the one Mrs. Bryant always threatens Kobe with to get another ring.
Microsoft has been commissioned to design the rooms for a luxury hotel being built in Paris. However, their first blueprints were rejected after test subjects reported that they had trouble sleeping in them. Too many windows.
With mortgage defaults at a record high, unemployment figures through the roof, the national debt set on self-destruct, the U.S. has never been in more dire straits. In fact, there are reports that China is getting buyer's remorse.
The Pentagon has been complaining that if the cuts proposed by the Democrats are approved, the defense Department will end up with their smallest budget since World War II. On the other hand, isn't World War II the last one in the winning column?
Microsoft has been commissioned to design the rooms for a luxury hotel being built in Paris. However, their first blueprints were rejected after test subjects reported that they had trouble sleeping in them. Too many windows.
With mortgage defaults at a record high, unemployment figures through the roof, the national debt set on self-destruct, the U.S. has never been in more dire straits. In fact, there are reports that China is getting buyer's remorse.
The Pentagon has been complaining that if the cuts proposed by the Democrats are approved, the defense Department will end up with their smallest budget since World War II. On the other hand, isn't World War II the last one in the winning column?
FRI, SAT, SUN, November 25, 26, 27, 2011
It's remarkable these days how people who retire are able to reinvent themselves and find new careers. Like the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade had two new floats this year -- Larry King and Regis Philbin.
The Food and Drug Administration is being careful to use the $600 million Congress gave them to expose Big Tobacco wisely. So far, they've pointed out that Joe Camel isn't cool. In fact, he's not even a camel -- he's a dromedary.
In "The Descendants," now playing in theaters, George Clooney is a member of one of Hawaii's richest family. In fact, they're so rich they don't even have a regular doorbell. When someone comes to the door, Don Ho opens it and sings "Tiny Bubbles."
World Physicists have added three new elements to the Periodic Table which join elements like carbon and aluminum. One of the new ones is even harder than a diamond. Kobe Bryant has already had a ring for his wife made out of it.
The Food and Drug Administration is being careful to use the $600 million Congress gave them to expose Big Tobacco wisely. So far, they've pointed out that Joe Camel isn't cool. In fact, he's not even a camel -- he's a dromedary.
In "The Descendants," now playing in theaters, George Clooney is a member of one of Hawaii's richest family. In fact, they're so rich they don't even have a regular doorbell. When someone comes to the door, Don Ho opens it and sings "Tiny Bubbles."
World Physicists have added three new elements to the Periodic Table which join elements like carbon and aluminum. One of the new ones is even harder than a diamond. Kobe Bryant has already had a ring for his wife made out of it.
THANKSGIVING DAY November 24, 2001
A government auditor's report shows that the U.S. Postal Service lost a whopping $5.1 billion last year. The breakdown shows that $1.8 billion went for salaries, $2.6 billion for vehicle maintenance and $700,000 for pepper spray.
A frequent flier has filed a lawsuit against Southwest Airlines over their refusal to honor free drink coupons he's accumulated over the past several years. I sympathize with the guy but I wish the airlines would just pay their pilots a regular salary like they used to.
Bob Barker told a Congressional committee investigating animal cruelty that circus trainers punish their elephants by making them dance on tiny foot stools. Hey, Bob, is that any worse than forcing women to stand around pretending to be using household appliances?
A Maine couple age 88 and 87 who met in a nursing home have requested a marriage license from the County Registrar. If you'd like to send them a gift, they're registered at Bed With Side Rails, Bath & Beyond.
A frequent flier has filed a lawsuit against Southwest Airlines over their refusal to honor free drink coupons he's accumulated over the past several years. I sympathize with the guy but I wish the airlines would just pay their pilots a regular salary like they used to.
Bob Barker told a Congressional committee investigating animal cruelty that circus trainers punish their elephants by making them dance on tiny foot stools. Hey, Bob, is that any worse than forcing women to stand around pretending to be using household appliances?
A Maine couple age 88 and 87 who met in a nursing home have requested a marriage license from the County Registrar. If you'd like to send them a gift, they're registered at Bed With Side Rails, Bath & Beyond.
WEDNESDAY, November 23, 2011
On Thanksgiving, ABC will air their first holiday special hosted by Lady Gaga. It will be a typical Thanksgiving celebration with turkey, oyster dressing, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie. And that's just her wardrobe.
Former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton has landed an on-air gig with NBC. Maybe they should think of rescheduling, though. Her show is between "Cooking with Monica Lewinsky" and "Let's Go White Water Rafting!"
Thanks to massive budget cutbacks resulting in extensive city employee layoffs, the Chicago coroner is so short-staffed, the storage locker at the morgue is now piled high with corpses -- or, as they refer to them in Chicago, "votes."
While she regrets her decision to file for divorce against husband Ashton Kucher, Demi Moore told reporters that she places full blame on the age issue. She caught him cheating with much younger women.
Former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton has landed an on-air gig with NBC. Maybe they should think of rescheduling, though. Her show is between "Cooking with Monica Lewinsky" and "Let's Go White Water Rafting!"
Thanks to massive budget cutbacks resulting in extensive city employee layoffs, the Chicago coroner is so short-staffed, the storage locker at the morgue is now piled high with corpses -- or, as they refer to them in Chicago, "votes."
While she regrets her decision to file for divorce against husband Ashton Kucher, Demi Moore told reporters that she places full blame on the age issue. She caught him cheating with much younger women.
TUESDAY, November 22, 2011
Parents complained to L.A. Unified School District officials when they learned that a well-known porn star was allowed to read a story to their first-graders. Until now, nobody had any idea what "The Little Engine That Could" did on his day off.
The producers of "Happy Feet 2" now playing in theaters are defendants in a multimillion dollar lawsuit filed by the Vatican and alleging theft of intellectual property. The church claims that the penguins' wardrobe was lifted almost entirely from the Little Sisters of the Poor.
Video game fans are flocking to purchase "Call of Duty 3," reportedly the most realistic police video ever made. Some gamers are taking the advice of the game's makers to add even more realism by playing it in a do-nut shop.
After lengthy and heated negotiations, L.A. Dodger home run wizard Matt Kemp has signed a new contract with the club. Under the terms of his new pact, he'll receive $160 million in salary and three Hollywood starlets to be named later.
The producers of "Happy Feet 2" now playing in theaters are defendants in a multimillion dollar lawsuit filed by the Vatican and alleging theft of intellectual property. The church claims that the penguins' wardrobe was lifted almost entirely from the Little Sisters of the Poor.
Video game fans are flocking to purchase "Call of Duty 3," reportedly the most realistic police video ever made. Some gamers are taking the advice of the game's makers to add even more realism by playing it in a do-nut shop.
After lengthy and heated negotiations, L.A. Dodger home run wizard Matt Kemp has signed a new contract with the club. Under the terms of his new pact, he'll receive $160 million in salary and three Hollywood starlets to be named later.
MONDAY, November 21, 2011
The NBA lockout is having devastating effects on businesses that rely on the regularly-scheduled games like restaurants, hotels, and auto-rental agencies. Without the usual player traffic, Big Five reported a 67% drop in the sale of hand-gun ammo.
There are now over 500 Starbucks in China. They're just as over-priced as ours, but over there if you're a little short they'll give you a low-interest loan to cover the balance.
According to the Journal Nature, woolly mammoths coexisted with native Americans as late as 6000 years ago. Actually, they got along pretty well. Any Indian who could survive the shearing ended up in an expensive-looking designer suit.
Stung by the toxic mortgages scandal and beset by declining revenues, Citigroup will be forced to cashier over 3000 longtime employees. They'll also be changing their name to Citi Skeleton Crew.
There are now over 500 Starbucks in China. They're just as over-priced as ours, but over there if you're a little short they'll give you a low-interest loan to cover the balance.
According to the Journal Nature, woolly mammoths coexisted with native Americans as late as 6000 years ago. Actually, they got along pretty well. Any Indian who could survive the shearing ended up in an expensive-looking designer suit.
Stung by the toxic mortgages scandal and beset by declining revenues, Citigroup will be forced to cashier over 3000 longtime employees. They'll also be changing their name to Citi Skeleton Crew.
FRI, SAT, SUN, November 18, 19, 20, 2011
With all her legal entanglements, Lindsay Lohan had a problem scheduling the shoot for her January Playboy spread. Get ready for this. She'll be shown naked picking up trash on the Hollywood Freeway.
Never one to miss a marketing opportunity, Nike is has introduced their new "NBA Lockout 500" basketball shoe that will sell for $87.50 a pair. They were assembled in a Malaysian sweatshop by underage workers on strike.
Won't be long before Nissan will market an electric car with a battery that will charge in ten minutes. Even with all the technological breakthroughs, some things never change. What do you bet the key to the restroom will still be on a stick?
The doors at all Target stores will swing open at midnight Thanksgiving to mark to start of "Black Friday," America's biggest shopping day of the year. Last year's winner was a 120 pound Ethiopian who completed her shopping in a record one hour, 14 minutes, 6 seconds.
Never one to miss a marketing opportunity, Nike is has introduced their new "NBA Lockout 500" basketball shoe that will sell for $87.50 a pair. They were assembled in a Malaysian sweatshop by underage workers on strike.
Won't be long before Nissan will market an electric car with a battery that will charge in ten minutes. Even with all the technological breakthroughs, some things never change. What do you bet the key to the restroom will still be on a stick?
The doors at all Target stores will swing open at midnight Thanksgiving to mark to start of "Black Friday," America's biggest shopping day of the year. Last year's winner was a 120 pound Ethiopian who completed her shopping in a record one hour, 14 minutes, 6 seconds.
THURSDAY, November 17, 2011
GOP hopefuls Rick Perry, Michelle Bachmann and Herman Cain all claim they decided to run after God told them to. Well, now we know what God was doing instead of keeping his eye on the Penn State coaching staff.
Michelle Bachmann told reporters that she doesn't consider water boarding torture and thinks the CIA should do more of it. In fact, she said she even tried it once on vacation in Waikiki but kept wiping out.
A professional rugby player in the UK is claiming that he had a stroke that made him turn gay. Not likely when you examine the circumstances. He had the stroke when someone told him that Bette Midler was retiring.
Duke University hoop legend Mike Krzyzewski has tied Bobby Knight for career coaching wins. They have lots in common. Knight was known for throwing chairs across the court. Mike is famous for doing it while a player was still sitting in it.
Michelle Bachmann told reporters that she doesn't consider water boarding torture and thinks the CIA should do more of it. In fact, she said she even tried it once on vacation in Waikiki but kept wiping out.
A professional rugby player in the UK is claiming that he had a stroke that made him turn gay. Not likely when you examine the circumstances. He had the stroke when someone told him that Bette Midler was retiring.
Duke University hoop legend Mike Krzyzewski has tied Bobby Knight for career coaching wins. They have lots in common. Knight was known for throwing chairs across the court. Mike is famous for doing it while a player was still sitting in it.
WEDNESDAY, November 16, 2011
According to press reports, Eddie Murphy bailed out of his Oscar hosting gig after producer and pal Brett Ratner walked. Actually, there were creative differences, too. He was insisting that they let him host the entire show dressed as Gumby.
Clint Eastwood's new movie "J. Edgar" was made with the full cooperation and aid of the F.B.I. in Washington. They must have really bent the rules for Clint. I was in the Post office yesterday and Leonardo DiCaprio's mug shot was among the Ten Most Wanted.
Wal-Mart is exploring the possibility of placing fully-staffed medical clinics in all of their stores nationwide. Good luck. Sears tried that years ago but shoppers balked -- probably because you had to buy a health insurance policy from the doctor who was also an Allstate agent.
Jane Fonda is currently producing a workout DVD designed especially for seniors. Problem is, you have to do all the exercises while sitting in a Viet Cong anti-aircraft gun turret.
Clint Eastwood's new movie "J. Edgar" was made with the full cooperation and aid of the F.B.I. in Washington. They must have really bent the rules for Clint. I was in the Post office yesterday and Leonardo DiCaprio's mug shot was among the Ten Most Wanted.
Wal-Mart is exploring the possibility of placing fully-staffed medical clinics in all of their stores nationwide. Good luck. Sears tried that years ago but shoppers balked -- probably because you had to buy a health insurance policy from the doctor who was also an Allstate agent.
Jane Fonda is currently producing a workout DVD designed especially for seniors. Problem is, you have to do all the exercises while sitting in a Viet Cong anti-aircraft gun turret.
TUESDAY, November 15, 2011
Convinced that he'll eventually be exonerated from sexual harassment accusations, Herman Cain has agreed to take a lie-detector test to speed up the process. Typical of a former pizza man, he promised to quit the race if he doesn't deliver the truth within 30 minutes or less.
Three men robbed a Washington, D.C. bank of $100,000. Two of them were wearing George W. Bush masks and a third, wearing a Dick Cheney mask, told the teller to hand over all her cash or he'd water board her.
Lindsay Lohan was released from jail after serving only four hours of a 30-day sentence for violating her probation. Apparently, in Los Angeles, celebrity pet owners are allowed to convert their sentences into dog years.
Thanks to massive budget cuts, the City Council in Smithfield, North Carolina no longer provides the police department gas for their cruisers. Next time you're caught in Springfield's speed trap, try bribing the guy with your Shell credit card.
Three men robbed a Washington, D.C. bank of $100,000. Two of them were wearing George W. Bush masks and a third, wearing a Dick Cheney mask, told the teller to hand over all her cash or he'd water board her.
Lindsay Lohan was released from jail after serving only four hours of a 30-day sentence for violating her probation. Apparently, in Los Angeles, celebrity pet owners are allowed to convert their sentences into dog years.
Thanks to massive budget cuts, the City Council in Smithfield, North Carolina no longer provides the police department gas for their cruisers. Next time you're caught in Springfield's speed trap, try bribing the guy with your Shell credit card.
MONDAY, November 14, 2011
For the first time, the Aflac duck of TV fame will join Charlie Brown and Snoopy in the annual Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Executives had to be persuaded to use the customary neoprene rubber to construct the float. They wanted to blow up Gilbert Gottfreid.
A graduate student at M.I.T. has patented a portable vacuum cleaner that's made out of the box it comes in. And for the really cost-conscious, prepackaged dust is available for a slight extra charge.
Michele Bachmann promises that if she ever becomes president, she'll have presidents Reagan, Garfield and Coolidge added to Mt. Rushmore. And she says they'll be carved by a real sculptor, not naturally formed like the present ones.
A crowd of Wall Street protesters camped in a Sacramento park clashed with a group of homeless people who claimed squatters rights. Governor Jerry Brown was so confused, he didn't know which group to pitch his tent with.
A graduate student at M.I.T. has patented a portable vacuum cleaner that's made out of the box it comes in. And for the really cost-conscious, prepackaged dust is available for a slight extra charge.
Michele Bachmann promises that if she ever becomes president, she'll have presidents Reagan, Garfield and Coolidge added to Mt. Rushmore. And she says they'll be carved by a real sculptor, not naturally formed like the present ones.
A crowd of Wall Street protesters camped in a Sacramento park clashed with a group of homeless people who claimed squatters rights. Governor Jerry Brown was so confused, he didn't know which group to pitch his tent with.
FRI, SAT, SUN, November 11, 12, 13, 2011
After the Penn State Board of Trustees fired coach Joe Paterno for not reporting staff child abuse, Joe issued a formal statement of resignation -- but not before checking the instant replay of the trustees' press conference for loopholes.
Even at age 84, Joe is nothing if not resilient. He's already applied for and been hired to host the Academy Awards.
This scandal is the worst in Penn State history. The whole state is so ashamed, plans have been scrapped to re-issue a Christmas album by Fred Waring and the Pennsylvanians.
Supermodel Heidi Montag has signed with a major publisher to pen her memoirs. And she's already chosen a perfect title to titillate potential readers -- "Here's the Skinny."
Even at age 84, Joe is nothing if not resilient. He's already applied for and been hired to host the Academy Awards.
This scandal is the worst in Penn State history. The whole state is so ashamed, plans have been scrapped to re-issue a Christmas album by Fred Waring and the Pennsylvanians.
Supermodel Heidi Montag has signed with a major publisher to pen her memoirs. And she's already chosen a perfect title to titillate potential readers -- "Here's the Skinny."
THURSDAY, November 10, 2011
Speculation among royal-watchers in London is that Prince William's new wife Kate Middleton may be with child. No confirmation from the palace, but tell-tale signs persist. The couple recently hired a morning sickness lady-in-waiting.
To curb the spiraling stats on pregnancy and STDs, New York now issues middle school students a life-style "risk card." Risks include heavy petting . . . pre-marital sex. . . oral copulation . . . and enrolling at Penn State.
Chanel has debuted a new perfume entitled "Jersey." Some may find the new fragrance vaguely familiar. It smells like Chanel No. 5 that's had a body floating in it.
The CIA monitors five million tweets a day looking for suspicious communications. They're constantly on the alert for buzz words that could mean trouble -- like "bomb". . . "Allah" . . . "jihad". . . "I.E.D.". . . "Snooki. . .
To curb the spiraling stats on pregnancy and STDs, New York now issues middle school students a life-style "risk card." Risks include heavy petting . . . pre-marital sex. . . oral copulation . . . and enrolling at Penn State.
Chanel has debuted a new perfume entitled "Jersey." Some may find the new fragrance vaguely familiar. It smells like Chanel No. 5 that's had a body floating in it.
The CIA monitors five million tweets a day looking for suspicious communications. They're constantly on the alert for buzz words that could mean trouble -- like "bomb". . . "Allah" . . . "jihad". . . "I.E.D.". . . "Snooki. . .
WEDNESDAY, November 9, 2011
A jury in Los Angeles found Dr. Conrad Murray guilty of voluntary manslaughter in the death of Michael Jackson. Afterward on the steps of the courthouse, one of the jurors told a reporter it was the prosecutor's poetry that insured conviction -- "If the IV fit, you can't acquit."
L.A. firemen were called out to extinguish a blaze at the famed Magic Castle, the well-known headquarters of the world's leading magicians. Three firefighters were treated for smoke inhalation, two were levitated and one was sawed in half.
The legendary department store Macy's in New York's Herald Square is boasting that it has the world's largest shoe department with 39,000 square feet. Sounds great if your feet happen to be square.
Due to massive budget cuts, city fathers in Smithfield, North Carolina refused to authorize funds to provide their police department with gasoline for their cruisers. Now when dignitaries are welcomed to Springfield, they get a skateboard escort.
L.A. firemen were called out to extinguish a blaze at the famed Magic Castle, the well-known headquarters of the world's leading magicians. Three firefighters were treated for smoke inhalation, two were levitated and one was sawed in half.
The legendary department store Macy's in New York's Herald Square is boasting that it has the world's largest shoe department with 39,000 square feet. Sounds great if your feet happen to be square.
Due to massive budget cuts, city fathers in Smithfield, North Carolina refused to authorize funds to provide their police department with gasoline for their cruisers. Now when dignitaries are welcomed to Springfield, they get a skateboard escort.
TUESDAY, November 8, 2011
Archaeologists in Patagonia found fossils believed to have belonged to a sabre-toothed squirrel that lived 93 million years ago. At first, they wondered why a squirrel would need such sharp teeth -- then they discovered Fred Flintstone was using him to crack walnuts.
The latest Bond film, "Skyfall,"is filming now for release in early 2012. Longtime fans of the series may be shocked to learn that the effects of the energy crisis have even reached Agent .007. For instance, his specially-equipped Aston-Martin has been replaced by a stripped-down Aston-Prius.
According to a survey of national driving habits conducted by Travel & Leisure Magazine, Miami, Florida boasts the worst drivers. Experts theorize that much of the erratic behavior on the road is the result of obstruction from handicapped parking permits hanging on rear-view mirrors.
Greek prime Minister George Papandreou may be sacked because of the country's economic collapse. Opposition party leaders say he worsened the debt crisis when he used his Olympic connections to place Greek currency on the Gold Medal Standard.
The latest Bond film, "Skyfall,"is filming now for release in early 2012. Longtime fans of the series may be shocked to learn that the effects of the energy crisis have even reached Agent .007. For instance, his specially-equipped Aston-Martin has been replaced by a stripped-down Aston-Prius.
According to a survey of national driving habits conducted by Travel & Leisure Magazine, Miami, Florida boasts the worst drivers. Experts theorize that much of the erratic behavior on the road is the result of obstruction from handicapped parking permits hanging on rear-view mirrors.
Greek prime Minister George Papandreou may be sacked because of the country's economic collapse. Opposition party leaders say he worsened the debt crisis when he used his Olympic connections to place Greek currency on the Gold Medal Standard.
MONDAY, November 7, 2011
Thick dense fog is being blamed for a horrendous pileup on the thruway outside London that demolished 37 automobiles, lorries and motorcycles. Americans expressed total shock at the devastation. No one suspected that the court would allow Lindsay Lohan to leave the country.
Cher is reportedly upset at the "Dancing With the Stars" judges who made fun of Chaz. Can't blame her. She's afraid it might harm sales of a new single she'll soon release honoring her son's sex-change operation -- "I Got Rid of You, Babe."
New York City's Nighthawk Cinema is the first theater in the state to offer patrons cocktails during screenings. The price may discourage sales, though -- there's a 20-bags of popcorn minimum.
Pro golfer Erik Compton convinced the P.G.A. to allow him to join the Tour even though he's had two heart transplants. They made an exception to the 14-club-per-bag maximum. He'll be allowed to carry two paddles.
Cher is reportedly upset at the "Dancing With the Stars" judges who made fun of Chaz. Can't blame her. She's afraid it might harm sales of a new single she'll soon release honoring her son's sex-change operation -- "I Got Rid of You, Babe."
New York City's Nighthawk Cinema is the first theater in the state to offer patrons cocktails during screenings. The price may discourage sales, though -- there's a 20-bags of popcorn minimum.
Pro golfer Erik Compton convinced the P.G.A. to allow him to join the Tour even though he's had two heart transplants. They made an exception to the 14-club-per-bag maximum. He'll be allowed to carry two paddles.
FRI, SAT, SUN, November 4, 5, 6, 2011
Friends and relatives were shocked when Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from her husband of seventy-two days, Kris Humphries. Some welcome news, though, for guests who bought gifts. The couple was registered at "Bed, Bath & If It Doesn't Last Beyond 90-Days You Get a Refund."
A Polish airline pilot is being hailed as a hero after he belly-landed his disabled jetliner in Warsaw. Setting down there wasn't his first choice but air controllers convinced him that he'd run short of fuel before reaching the Hudson River.
Lindsay Lohan has agreed to appear nude in Playboy Magazine for $1 million. She did impose a few conditions, though. The centerfold has to be arranged in such a way that one of the staples covers her ankle bracelet.
Four men aged 65 to 73 were arrested in Gainesville, Florida and charged with domestic terrorism. Seems they were plotting to destroy the national headquarters of A.A.R.P. using pipe bombs stuffed with Metamucil.
A Polish airline pilot is being hailed as a hero after he belly-landed his disabled jetliner in Warsaw. Setting down there wasn't his first choice but air controllers convinced him that he'd run short of fuel before reaching the Hudson River.
Lindsay Lohan has agreed to appear nude in Playboy Magazine for $1 million. She did impose a few conditions, though. The centerfold has to be arranged in such a way that one of the staples covers her ankle bracelet.
Four men aged 65 to 73 were arrested in Gainesville, Florida and charged with domestic terrorism. Seems they were plotting to destroy the national headquarters of A.A.R.P. using pipe bombs stuffed with Metamucil.
THURSDAY, November 3, 2011
Following the interview of Ruth Madoff on "60 Minutes," Larry King confided to a reporter that he holds no ill will toward Bernie since he recovered all of his $700,000 investment. Of course, Larry has kind of an inside track. He went to grammar school with Charlie Ponzi.
The producers of the new Antonio Bandaras starrer "Puss N Boots" used cutting-edge digital motion software to duplicate exactly a feline's natural movements. There's an intermission halfway through the film when Puss regurgitates a giant hair ball.
The re-release of the six "Star Wars" movies on Blu-Ray raked in $38 million during its first week. That's the good news. The bad news is that in the Blue-ray version, Carrie Fisher's hair looks even more like a helmet.
Is nothing safe anymore? There's a new warning that sugar-free chewing gum can damage teeth. They discovered it strictly by accident when someone noticed that a wad of it was eating through the metal on the bottom of a theater seat.
The producers of the new Antonio Bandaras starrer "Puss N Boots" used cutting-edge digital motion software to duplicate exactly a feline's natural movements. There's an intermission halfway through the film when Puss regurgitates a giant hair ball.
The re-release of the six "Star Wars" movies on Blu-Ray raked in $38 million during its first week. That's the good news. The bad news is that in the Blue-ray version, Carrie Fisher's hair looks even more like a helmet.
Is nothing safe anymore? There's a new warning that sugar-free chewing gum can damage teeth. They discovered it strictly by accident when someone noticed that a wad of it was eating through the metal on the bottom of a theater seat.
WEDNESDAY, November 2, 2011
McDonald's is planning to reintroduce the once-popular McRib Sandwich at most of its
franchises. It's part of a new program designed to insure that no animal parts go to waste. In the
coming months, watch for the "McUdder" and the "McHoof."
L.A. firemen were called out to extinguish a blaze at the famed Magic Castle, the well-known
headquarters of the world's leading magicians. Three firefighters were treated for smoke
inhalation, two were levitated and one was sawed in half.
China's Ministry of Culture issued a blanket ban on all reality TV programming deemed to be
"overly entertaining." First to go was the widely popular "Survivor:Taiwan" in which contestants
voted off the island were shot.
According to a census of the earth commissioned by the United Nations, the world is now the
home of seven billion human beings. And do you think I can get just one of them to show up and
install my new cable TV?
franchises. It's part of a new program designed to insure that no animal parts go to waste. In the
coming months, watch for the "McUdder" and the "McHoof."
L.A. firemen were called out to extinguish a blaze at the famed Magic Castle, the well-known
headquarters of the world's leading magicians. Three firefighters were treated for smoke
inhalation, two were levitated and one was sawed in half.
China's Ministry of Culture issued a blanket ban on all reality TV programming deemed to be
"overly entertaining." First to go was the widely popular "Survivor:Taiwan" in which contestants
voted off the island were shot.
According to a census of the earth commissioned by the United Nations, the world is now the
home of seven billion human beings. And do you think I can get just one of them to show up and
install my new cable TV?
TUESDAY, November 1, 2011
Virgin Galactic Airlines' Sir Richard Branson is vowing to give his first civilian passengers an experience as close to a real astronaut's as possible -- hours of floating around weightless sipping Tang while wearing a custom-fitted space suit with a built-in catheter.
A public cleanliness survey conducted by Kleenex-maker Kimberly-Clark shows that handles on gas pumps contain more bacteria than public toilets. That tub of dirty windshield squeegee water is highly suspect, too. Last week, the one I was using had tadpoles in it.
After being killed by anti-government rebels, the body of former Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi was put on display in a popular Tripoli shopping mall. Quite a sight. They propped him up between Mrs. Field's Cookies and The Gap which was running a sale on medals.
To help speed up their security check-in, the TSA has devised special tests for airline pilots -- walking a straight line, standing on one foot with their eyes closed while touching their nose, and blowing into a balloon.
A public cleanliness survey conducted by Kleenex-maker Kimberly-Clark shows that handles on gas pumps contain more bacteria than public toilets. That tub of dirty windshield squeegee water is highly suspect, too. Last week, the one I was using had tadpoles in it.
After being killed by anti-government rebels, the body of former Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi was put on display in a popular Tripoli shopping mall. Quite a sight. They propped him up between Mrs. Field's Cookies and The Gap which was running a sale on medals.
To help speed up their security check-in, the TSA has devised special tests for airline pilots -- walking a straight line, standing on one foot with their eyes closed while touching their nose, and blowing into a balloon.
MONDAY, October 31, 2011
McDonald's now has a closed-circuit TV channel that delivers kid-friendly programming to its franchises. So far the program lineup includes "The Egg McMuppets," "Big Mac & Molly," and "The McView."
Ashton Kutcher is in hot water with wife Demi Moore. Four starlets claim they Jacuzzied naked with Charlie Sheen's "Two and a Half Men" replacement. Big mistake coming home with bubble bath on his breath.
"Moneyball," the peanuts and Cracker Jack epic starring Brad Pitt as the General Manager of the Oakland A's, may well be the most realistic baseball film ever made. It's so authentic, the theater where I saw it had an organ and a seventh inning stretch.
Troy Polamalu, defensive back for the Pittsburgh Steelers, recently drew a $10,000 fine for calling his wife on his cell phone during a game. And he almost got away with it. He shouldn't have switched to speaker-phone in the huddle.
Ashton Kutcher is in hot water with wife Demi Moore. Four starlets claim they Jacuzzied naked with Charlie Sheen's "Two and a Half Men" replacement. Big mistake coming home with bubble bath on his breath.
"Moneyball," the peanuts and Cracker Jack epic starring Brad Pitt as the General Manager of the Oakland A's, may well be the most realistic baseball film ever made. It's so authentic, the theater where I saw it had an organ and a seventh inning stretch.
Troy Polamalu, defensive back for the Pittsburgh Steelers, recently drew a $10,000 fine for calling his wife on his cell phone during a game. And he almost got away with it. He shouldn't have switched to speaker-phone in the huddle.
FRI, SAT, SUN, October 28, 29, 30, 2011
For the second consecutive year, Michael Jackson topped the Forbes list of dead-celebrity wage earners at $170 million. A new sub-category of celebrities whose careers are dead but who still make money included Lindsay Lohan, Andy Dick and Michael Richards.
Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow supports a pledge of pre-marital abstinence for unmarried young adults. He's really religious. His snap calls usually sound something like "Matthew 13:24... Corinthians 22:12... Leviticus 19:33... hike!"
At the direction of Congress, the U.S. State Department will issue a visa to any immigrant who agrees to buy a home here worth at least $500,000. Already, they're facing their first dilemma -- do they let Roman Polanski back in or not?
To teach Lindsay Lohan that her parole violations just won't be tolerated, a judge ordered her to perform public service at the L.A. Morgue. More effective, really, would be a stint in the cold storage locker where the William Morris Agency stores the remains of dead movie careers.
Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow supports a pledge of pre-marital abstinence for unmarried young adults. He's really religious. His snap calls usually sound something like "Matthew 13:24... Corinthians 22:12... Leviticus 19:33... hike!"
At the direction of Congress, the U.S. State Department will issue a visa to any immigrant who agrees to buy a home here worth at least $500,000. Already, they're facing their first dilemma -- do they let Roman Polanski back in or not?
To teach Lindsay Lohan that her parole violations just won't be tolerated, a judge ordered her to perform public service at the L.A. Morgue. More effective, really, would be a stint in the cold storage locker where the William Morris Agency stores the remains of dead movie careers.
THURSDAY, October 27, 2011
A letter written by Albert Einstein to a friend in New York recently sold for $40,000. Its value is contained in what itdiscloses. In it, the world-renowned physicist confesses that his Theory of Relativity was wrong. The formula should have read: E=MC Hammer.
A badly discolored molar with a large cavity that once belonged to John Lennon will soon be up for
auction. The certificate of Authenticity says it was extracted in Liverpool by his future wife who
was working at the time as "Painless Yoko."
Leaked reports from prison officials say Bernie Madoff has received life-threatening beatings from
his fellow convicts. But they're being described as "Ponzi Beatings" -- big burly cons on the
bottom are constantly being relieved by crazed lifers on top so they can go on indefinitely.
The U.S. Labor Department has partnered with Facebook to link employment opportunities with
anxious job-seekers. But the online opportunities aren't exactly primo -- escort services for women
and Guinea pigs in erectile dysfunction studies for men.
A badly discolored molar with a large cavity that once belonged to John Lennon will soon be up for
auction. The certificate of Authenticity says it was extracted in Liverpool by his future wife who
was working at the time as "Painless Yoko."
Leaked reports from prison officials say Bernie Madoff has received life-threatening beatings from
his fellow convicts. But they're being described as "Ponzi Beatings" -- big burly cons on the
bottom are constantly being relieved by crazed lifers on top so they can go on indefinitely.
The U.S. Labor Department has partnered with Facebook to link employment opportunities with
anxious job-seekers. But the online opportunities aren't exactly primo -- escort services for women
and Guinea pigs in erectile dysfunction studies for men.
WEDNESDAY, October 26, 2011
To mark the 125th birthday of the Statue of Liberty on October 28, five real-time web cams will be activated on her torch. Along with a view of New York Harbor, viewers can witness tourists being mugged, pockets being picked and wandering itinerants talking to themselves.
A driver for new York's Lickey Split Ice Cream was arrested for dispensing crack cocaine from his truck. And he was getting away with it, too, until one of the kids' parents tipped off the cops when he asked for $150 for a kilo of Rocky Road.
Bruce Willis may be a bit long in the tooth, but he's undertaken to star in yet another sequel to his biggest movie, "Die Hard." But it's not called "Die Hard 3." In deference to its star, it's called "Died From Hardening of the Arteries."
This week marks the 150th anniversary of the transcontinental telegraph that for the first time allowed instant communication over long distances. Not much has changed since. During the first week of operation, several Amish teenagers were cited for telegraphing their friends while buggying.
A driver for new York's Lickey Split Ice Cream was arrested for dispensing crack cocaine from his truck. And he was getting away with it, too, until one of the kids' parents tipped off the cops when he asked for $150 for a kilo of Rocky Road.
Bruce Willis may be a bit long in the tooth, but he's undertaken to star in yet another sequel to his biggest movie, "Die Hard." But it's not called "Die Hard 3." In deference to its star, it's called "Died From Hardening of the Arteries."
This week marks the 150th anniversary of the transcontinental telegraph that for the first time allowed instant communication over long distances. Not much has changed since. During the first week of operation, several Amish teenagers were cited for telegraphing their friends while buggying.
TUESDAY, October 25, 2011
Will and Jada Smith have been offered a part-ownership of the Philadelphia 76ers. According to reliable NBA insiders, it's part of a carefully crafted plan to lure Jack Nicholson away from the Lakers.
A panel of physicians and psychologists recommended that New York's Governor Andrew Cuomo approve state-paid sex change operations. If you thought Rent Control was bad, wait 'til the government controls your private parts.
Hard hit by the sinking economy, Medford Oregon's Rogue Valley International Airport has sought permission to place paid ads on their control tower. The air controllers recently rejected a substantial offer from "No-Doz" to have the product tattooed on their forehead.
Queen Elizabeth is on a tour of Australia. During her historic visit Down Under she'll meet with the Prime Minister to discuss the repatriation of aboriginal tribes, the establishment of a new Royal Navy training base in Perth and a Ladyship for Olivia Newton-John.
A panel of physicians and psychologists recommended that New York's Governor Andrew Cuomo approve state-paid sex change operations. If you thought Rent Control was bad, wait 'til the government controls your private parts.
Hard hit by the sinking economy, Medford Oregon's Rogue Valley International Airport has sought permission to place paid ads on their control tower. The air controllers recently rejected a substantial offer from "No-Doz" to have the product tattooed on their forehead.
Queen Elizabeth is on a tour of Australia. During her historic visit Down Under she'll meet with the Prime Minister to discuss the repatriation of aboriginal tribes, the establishment of a new Royal Navy training base in Perth and a Ladyship for Olivia Newton-John.
MONDAY, October 24, 2011
The World Series Texas Rangers/St. Louis Cardinals match up is heading for the lowest TV ratings in history. Network executives are so desperate to attract
viewers, they've even considered inviting Roseanne Barr to sing the National Anthem.
Hard to believe that the Facebook virtual game "Farmville" is being made into a major motion picture. Harder to believe a porno version has been available
for some time -- "Debbie Does Old McDonald."
The U.S. Justice Department has instructed the F.B.I. to begin closing down medical marijuana dispensaries operating in California. They'll begin with a popular
chain co-owned by Cheech, Chong, Willie Nelson and Woody Harrelson called "Dooby World."
A Detroit man used his nine-year old daughter as his "designated driver" after he removed himself from behind the wheel drunk. Could have been a lot worse.
If they were in Mississippi, the girl would have been his wife.
viewers, they've even considered inviting Roseanne Barr to sing the National Anthem.
Hard to believe that the Facebook virtual game "Farmville" is being made into a major motion picture. Harder to believe a porno version has been available
for some time -- "Debbie Does Old McDonald."
The U.S. Justice Department has instructed the F.B.I. to begin closing down medical marijuana dispensaries operating in California. They'll begin with a popular
chain co-owned by Cheech, Chong, Willie Nelson and Woody Harrelson called "Dooby World."
A Detroit man used his nine-year old daughter as his "designated driver" after he removed himself from behind the wheel drunk. Could have been a lot worse.
If they were in Mississippi, the girl would have been his wife.
FRI, SAT, SUN, October 21, 22, 23, 2011
Second Amendment activists in Georgia filed a federal lawsuit to affirm their right to carry their guns in church. Their crack team of NRA constitutional lawyers claim to have supporting biblical quotes from Matthew, Mark, Smith and Wesson.
Bruce Willis is doing another "Die Hard" sequel, but longtime fans may notice some subtle plot adjustments to accommodate his advancing years. For instance, there's still a heart-pounding chase scene -- but this one takes place on a wheel-chair ramp at a Veteran's Administration rehab clinic.
You know, kids are really inventive. Some of the cleverest discovered that they can soak Gummy Bears in vodka to munch in front of unsuspecting parents. Which might explain the growing popularity of the Betty Ford Day Care Center.
Congress is considering a bill banning over-the-counter asthma inhalers because they contribute to air pollution. The government is getting too touchy about what goes into our lungs. Did you know you can't even give someone mouth-to-mouth resuscitation without a special permit from the EPA?
Bruce Willis is doing another "Die Hard" sequel, but longtime fans may notice some subtle plot adjustments to accommodate his advancing years. For instance, there's still a heart-pounding chase scene -- but this one takes place on a wheel-chair ramp at a Veteran's Administration rehab clinic.
You know, kids are really inventive. Some of the cleverest discovered that they can soak Gummy Bears in vodka to munch in front of unsuspecting parents. Which might explain the growing popularity of the Betty Ford Day Care Center.
Congress is considering a bill banning over-the-counter asthma inhalers because they contribute to air pollution. The government is getting too touchy about what goes into our lungs. Did you know you can't even give someone mouth-to-mouth resuscitation without a special permit from the EPA?
THURSDAY, October 20, 2011
After months of legal wrangling, all of which was covered extensively on the sports pages, Dodger owners Frank and Jamie McCourt have arrived at a settlement. Must be a religious connotation to this. During a recent Dodger game, white smoke rose over the Cardinal dugout.
In Montreal, 100-year old British runner Fauja Singh became the oldest person in history to complete a marathon. That's the good news. The bad news is he was disqualified for using a cane.
The Bronx Zoo has an exhibit featuring the world's rarest insects and rodents. It's mainly popular among the millions of tourists who flock to New York each year. Native New Yorkers don't need to travel to the zoo to examine bugs -- they can just look at their sheets.
A study commissioned by the National Highway Safety Council shows that new teenage drivers face a 50% greater chance of wrecking the family car during their first month behind the wheel. Which finally explains the sudden rash of girls quitting high school to marry tow-truck drivers.
In Montreal, 100-year old British runner Fauja Singh became the oldest person in history to complete a marathon. That's the good news. The bad news is he was disqualified for using a cane.
The Bronx Zoo has an exhibit featuring the world's rarest insects and rodents. It's mainly popular among the millions of tourists who flock to New York each year. Native New Yorkers don't need to travel to the zoo to examine bugs -- they can just look at their sheets.
A study commissioned by the National Highway Safety Council shows that new teenage drivers face a 50% greater chance of wrecking the family car during their first month behind the wheel. Which finally explains the sudden rash of girls quitting high school to marry tow-truck drivers.
WEDNESDAY, October 19, 2011
After losing Gatorade, AT&T, Gillette and others who all bailed when his marital infidelities came to light, Tiger Woods is ecstatic over his new endorsement deal with Rolex high-end timepieces. His first TV commercial will be for the new Rolex Oyster Philanderer.
After years of turning down thousands of Cuban immigrants living in Miami, the State Department has relaxed restrictions on Americans visiting Cuba. Which may not mean much to you, but Luci Arnaz can now visit the statue of her dad in Havana's Plaza de Ricky Ricardo.
This year's Nobel Prize winners impressed the judges with a theory that our planet is heading for a life-ending cataclysmic explosion. They came up with their hypothesis after careful study of the earth's melting crust, the expansion of volcanic gasses and Mel Gibson's divorce.
Gibson Guitar CEO Henry Juszkiewicz condemned federal agents for charging his company with using wood illegally obtained. It's the worst thing to happen to Gibson since termites found in the drying kiln were traced to the CEO of Fender.
After years of turning down thousands of Cuban immigrants living in Miami, the State Department has relaxed restrictions on Americans visiting Cuba. Which may not mean much to you, but Luci Arnaz can now visit the statue of her dad in Havana's Plaza de Ricky Ricardo.
This year's Nobel Prize winners impressed the judges with a theory that our planet is heading for a life-ending cataclysmic explosion. They came up with their hypothesis after careful study of the earth's melting crust, the expansion of volcanic gasses and Mel Gibson's divorce.
Gibson Guitar CEO Henry Juszkiewicz condemned federal agents for charging his company with using wood illegally obtained. It's the worst thing to happen to Gibson since termites found in the drying kiln were traced to the CEO of Fender.
TUESDAY, October 18, 2011
California governor Jerry Brown has signed a law that provides college subsidies to children of illegal aliens. It was either that or see his lawns go unmowed, his pool go unskimmed, his favorite restaurant table go uncleared, his vegetables go unpicked, his pizzas go undelivered, his. . .
Alabama drug enforcement officials were stunned when they busted a female crack cocaine dealer who turned out to be 80-years old. Unfortunately, she already had a rap sheet that includes drug possession and distribution and three convictions for felony Bingo fraud.
The U.S. government is now stuck with 248,000 foreclosed Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac-financed homes. No doubt about it, Fanny and Freddy left a trail of destruction behind them that makes Bonnie and Clyde look like Donny and Marie.
The former police chief of crime-ridden Oakland, California has taken a security job at Harvard University. He's going from drive-by shootings and drug deal murders to wearing socks with Sperry Top-Siders and seersucker after September 1.
Alabama drug enforcement officials were stunned when they busted a female crack cocaine dealer who turned out to be 80-years old. Unfortunately, she already had a rap sheet that includes drug possession and distribution and three convictions for felony Bingo fraud.
The U.S. government is now stuck with 248,000 foreclosed Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac-financed homes. No doubt about it, Fanny and Freddy left a trail of destruction behind them that makes Bonnie and Clyde look like Donny and Marie.
The former police chief of crime-ridden Oakland, California has taken a security job at Harvard University. He's going from drive-by shootings and drug deal murders to wearing socks with Sperry Top-Siders and seersucker after September 1.
MONDAY, October 17, 2011
An investigation has confirmed that several popular pitchers with the Red Socks drank beer during games last season. They would have gotten away with it, too, if the manager hadn't noticed the Jacuzzi they were soaking their arms in had a head on it.
Target Stores, Inc. has become the first national retailer to produce a lighter, easier-to-navigate shopping cart. Best new improvement are the in-line, replaceable rubber wheels -- available at a substantial discount -- at Target.
WBC light-heavyweight champion Bernard Hopkins, who successfully defended his crown against Chad Dawson, is the oldest title-holder ever. In fact, he goes so far back, in his first match he had to share the ring with several lions and a Christian.
Bank of America is now charging $5 per month for a debit card -- but not without a loud outcry from longtime depositors. They may make them pay to access their own money, but they're not completely heartless. They also offer a $3 card that allows them to visit their money.
Target Stores, Inc. has become the first national retailer to produce a lighter, easier-to-navigate shopping cart. Best new improvement are the in-line, replaceable rubber wheels -- available at a substantial discount -- at Target.
WBC light-heavyweight champion Bernard Hopkins, who successfully defended his crown against Chad Dawson, is the oldest title-holder ever. In fact, he goes so far back, in his first match he had to share the ring with several lions and a Christian.
Bank of America is now charging $5 per month for a debit card -- but not without a loud outcry from longtime depositors. They may make them pay to access their own money, but they're not completely heartless. They also offer a $3 card that allows them to visit their money.
FRI, SAT, SUN, October 14, 15, 16, 2011
Hank Williams, Jr. made a reference to Hitler while excoriating Barack Obama and immediately lost his job as opening singer on Monday Night Football. They we're a tad unfeeling in notifying him. The six-word telegram read: "Are you ready for some unemployment?"
Herman Cain, once considered unelectable, has surged ahead of Mitt Romney and Rick Perry in the polls. Apparently he's bringing some formerly undecided independents out of the woodwork that some TV pundits have nicknamed "Herman's Hermits."
The pastor of Kansas City's Westboro Baptist Church urged his followers to picket Steve Jobs' funeral because he "failed to give God glory." He's just mad because Steve commandeered the apple Adam took a bite out of and parlayed it into the world's best-known corporate logo.
Several new generations will be introduced to 1960s super-thrush Madonna when she performs at the Super Bowl this year. She'll pay tribute to her original fans with a special "Early Bird Halftime" just for them.
Herman Cain, once considered unelectable, has surged ahead of Mitt Romney and Rick Perry in the polls. Apparently he's bringing some formerly undecided independents out of the woodwork that some TV pundits have nicknamed "Herman's Hermits."
The pastor of Kansas City's Westboro Baptist Church urged his followers to picket Steve Jobs' funeral because he "failed to give God glory." He's just mad because Steve commandeered the apple Adam took a bite out of and parlayed it into the world's best-known corporate logo.
Several new generations will be introduced to 1960s super-thrush Madonna when she performs at the Super Bowl this year. She'll pay tribute to her original fans with a special "Early Bird Halftime" just for them.
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THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!
DOLORES HOPE MEDLEY
DOLORES HOPE "Silver Bells" (with Bob)
BOB HOPE'S 1983 U.S. COLLEGE CAMPUS TOUR: Your Alma Mater Here?
"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
Even Animals Love "THE YouTube WORLDWIDE NEWS"!
THE LAUGH MAKERS is now on KINDLE! (And Kindle equipped devices)
Download THE LAUGH MAKERS to your Kindle within one minute (for $2.99) by clicking on this link:
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And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D9EPO
And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ