THUR-SUN, April 18, 19, 20, 21, 2013


SMALL WORLD -- California Health officials closed down Disneyland for unsafe working conditions.  How unsafe?  Well, it seems that employees who play Mickey Mouse have to match Mickey's physical characteristics exactly -- he has three fingers.  So, let's just say in Disney's defense, they did pay the surgeon.

ROLEXVILLE -- Enforcing law and order in a billionnaires' paradise is a little different.  For instance, Dubai cops have a  Lamborghini in their fleet.  Too extravagant?  Not really.  You need impressive wheels when you're charging suspects with with offenses like wearing an Oxford tie having graduated from Eaton, or driving under the influence of an off-year champagne.

DUMBO DISTILLERS -- A Japanese brewery is producing a beer distilled from the dung of elephants.  Several bottles of it and you wake up with the mother of all headaches but you don't care because suddenly you can remember everything that ever happened in your life -- except that you actually drank beer made from elephant dung.

THINK YOUNG -- Pop thrush Beyonce has been signed to warble a TV commercial for Pepsi.  They'll have to hire a supermodel for the commercials to be shown in New York City.  Under Mayor Bloomberg, no singer for a sugary drink is allowed to weigh over 16 ounces.

PULLET POWER -- The Hollywood pop community is abuzz over rumors of the imminent breakup of Ozzy Osbourne and wife Sharon.  For what it's worth, fans can be thankful that the couple had to foresight to sign an iron-proof prenup.  She gets the homes, the cars, the stocks and bonds and Ozzy gets the chicken heads.

PUCK PRACTICE -- Preparing their players for what appears to be inevitable -- the disclosure that some of their most "masculine" players are gay -- some NHL teams are offering homophobia workshops in how not to wince, snicker, or make snide remarks just because someone knows how to make fondue.

ACHILLES HEEL -- A 35.64 caret pink diamond known as "The Princie" sold in New York for $39.4 million.  Everyone was surprised -- not by the price but by the purchaser.  Who would have dreamed Kobe Bryant could possibly manage to get into trouble with his wife while hobbling around on crutches?

AND THE WINNER IS... -- Neil Meron and Craig Zadan will return to produce the Oscar telecast again in March, 2014 which will introduce a new segment.  Along with the usual Irving Thalberg Award, Lindsay Lohan will present rehab's most promising newcomer with the first annual "Charlie Sheen Trophy."


SIGN LANGUAGE -- An umpire working a minor league game in New Mexico was criticized by civil rights groups for not allowing Latino teammates to communicate on the field in their native language.  Lucky he failed to notice the catcher who was signaling his pitcher in Klingon.

GUMBY -- New York's eagerly-awaited, 11-day Tribeca Film Festival will feature an array of documentaries examining the lives of Richard Pryor, Muhammad Ali, Gore Vidal, Elaine Stritch and Moms Mabley.   Well, actually, the Moms Mabley entry is a remastered film on proper dental care produced by the British Health Service. 

WITH A TWIST -- Thousands of passengers at airports in New York, Los Angeles and Dallas were stranded after a computer shutdown forced American Airlines to cancel 745 flights.  There's a plus side, though.  Until now aeronautical engineers didn't know that aircraft software can be cooked by vodka spilled on a pilot's altimeter-setting keyboard. 

WE'VE GOT THE GREEN! -- If California legislators have their way, companies like Payday Advance that prey on low-income wage earners will be allowed to extend only six high-interest loans a year per individual borrower.  The new measure has been named the "Gary Coleman Bill" in honor of the industry's most famous spokesperson.
GREAT TECHTATOR -- Hundreds of Charlie Chaplin impersonators paraded through the streets of Adipur, India celebrating the birthday of the Little Tramp.  Most of the youthful revelers kept their costumes on as they reported for work, pasting Charlie's silent film posters on their cubicle walls at Microsoft. 

BOWEL VOWELS -- PBS is airing a medical special called '"Guts With Michael Mosley" which takes viewers on a mini-cam tour of the human digestive system.  Those who saw the pre-screening give the show mixed reviews with one scribe describing it as "Sort of Route 66 on the Hershey Highway." 

(Contents Copyright (c) 2013 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved) 

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