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Friday, April 25, 2008

A*M*E*R*I*C*A*N
P*I*E

A Brief But Welcome Respite From the Endless Presidential Election Blather
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London, England -- Critics have unanimously slammed Trevor Nunn’s musical version of “Gone With The Wind,” which opened this week at the West End’s New London Theater. Main problems seem to be the Act Two show-stopper “Springtime For Robert E. Lee” and the full-cast dance number “Don’t Know Nothin’ ‘Bout Birthin’ No Babies!”

Washington, DC -- Rice insists that the Bush administration warned Jimmy Carter that meeting with Hamas leaders would violate the US policy against negotiating with terrorists. They warned him not to build any free houses for those nasty Palestinians, either.

Oklahoma City, OK -- The state legislature has approved a plan to find an official rock ‘n’ roll song and is accepting suggestions from the public. The winning entry will be announced during next summer’s dedication of the full sized bronze statue of Keith Richards in the foyer of the State House.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT…

“Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.”
George W. Bush 10/18/2000 LaCrosse, WIS
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Nashville, TN -- The legislature is considering a ban on smoking within 25 feet of a hospital. With the exception of the state’s world-renowned thoractic surgery clinic, Cedars of Philip Morris.

New York, NY -- The New York Restaurant Association is appealing a city ordinance that will require the posting of calorie counts of all menu items. If this is allowed, they claim, the next thing you know, hookers will have to post their STD’s.

Los Angeles, CA -- The Catholic Archdiocese has put up five high schools as collateral for a $50 million loan from an Irish bank to help pay off the $600 sex abuse settlement. One of them is Mahoney’s favorite, Our Lady of Protected Pedophile Priests High.
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[] Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
www.rfbd.org (866) 732-3585
_____________________________________________________________
New York, NY -- The State Appellate Court recently upheld a ban on cell phones in public schools. Next day, the School Board notified the kids by text message.

Zurich, Switzerland -- Werner Groebli, “Frick” of the legendary 40’s ice duo “Frick & Frack,” billed as “The Crown Kings of the Ice Follies,” has died here at age 92. The innovative pair led the way for later rink rascals, including the most notorious of them, Tanya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan.

Hollywood, CA -- Former “View” luminary Starr Jones has notified hubby Al Reynolds that he’s history. Could this be the 145 pounds she recently vowed to lose?
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[] If you’d like to receive a weekly copy of this blog delivered to your e-mail box, send a blank e-mail to:

Funnysideup-subscribe@topica.com
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McMinneville, OR -- The faculty at Linfield College has unanimously voted to ban all weapons from campus including “guns, swords, hatchets, axes, throwing stars, nutchucks, and long knives.” Several ROTC cadets were recently spotted training for Iraq with Super Soakers.

Allentown, PENN -- The City Parking Authority has installed a GPS monitoring system to catch drivers who violate time limits by stuffing meters with coins. The system is so precise, it can identify the false limp of a driver using a handicapped space.

New York, NY -- Fearing a potential worldwide shortage of rice, Sam’s Club will limit sales of jasmine, basmati and long grain rice. Wedding planners nationwide are advising clients to substitute sunflower seeds.

Hollywood, CA -- Claiming violation of copyright, Yoko Ono has filed suit against Ben Stein for using the Beatles hit “Imagine” in his anti-evolution documentary. One of the better ways to win Ben Stein’s money… sue his ass.
Manistique, MICH -- Thomas Richardson, 46, was found guilty of first degree murder after his wife, Juanita, 43, plunged to her death from a 140 foot cliff at Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore. “Stand a little further back, sweetie, so I can get the mountain in the picture. That’s it… a little further… a little further… a little fur -- oops.”

Eugene, OR -- Michael Rich, 71, was sentenced to 20 years in prison for bilking 300 investors out of $18 million, including $200,000 from his mother. In Mike’s defense, he did write… he did call.

Columbus, OH -- Republican State Representative Joy Padgett has introduced a bill that would ban the sale of American flags made in a foreign country. These family value, evangelical-courting pseudo-patriots just aren’t happy unless they’re wrapped in a flag made in the good ol’ USA.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT…

“Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better.”

George W. Bush 9/24/2001 Washington, DC

For hundreds of idiotic quotes like this, check out:
www.sourcebooks.com
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Topsham, MA -- Ten officials from Local 56 of the Machinists Union were suspended from Bath Iron Works after pornography was found on their computers. In their defense, the porn was business-related, depicting sex acts with various items of the firm’s machinery including lathes, grinders and drill presses.

Waterbury, CT -- Students at Wilby High School who pass advance placement exams will receive cash rewards up to $100. Chicken feed compared to students at Oprah Winfrey High who get a new Buick.

Hopkinton, NH -- The Marklin Candle Company designed and manufactured the five foot tall candle that the Holy Father lit during High Mass at Yankee Stadium. With the familiar Vatican scent of burnt priest pedophile subpoenas.
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[] FREE E-BOOK! Excerpts from Bob's new book "THE LAUGH MAKERS: Memories of a Writer for Bob Hope" are now available FREE on line. This month's installment is entitled "The Bob Hope Show in China" and recounts the comedian's history-making visit to China in July 1979, the first American entertainer allowed to tape a special in the Peoples Republic after Nixon restored diplomatic relations in 1974. In light of the Olympics and Tibet currently in the news, you'll marvel at the changes that have taken place in China over the past 30 years. Of course, there are plenty of laughs, too, so you won't want to miss these backstage stories and anecdotes. It's a great read!
www.laughmakers.blogspot.com __________________________________________

Victorville, CA -- Jim and Kelly Nehmens were convicted of embezzling $20,000 from the Adlanto Little League. Despite their explanation that they were saving up for a boat to import several promising Cuban pitchers.

Anchorage, AK -- The US Fish & Wildlife Service has launched a program to rid Rat Island of the Norway rats who, since arriving by shipwreck in 1988, have all but destroyed the indigenous vegetation and seabirds. They’ll have help from the City of Los Angeles Superior Court which had to eradicate all those lawyers after the OJ trial.

Charlottesville, VA -- Under new rules, officials at the University of Virginia may notify parents if they observe students demonstrating unusual or irrational behavior such as excessive drinking, disrupting classes or attempting to join the Young Republicans.
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[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour news radio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.
www.larrs.org password: independence

FRIDAY, April 18, 2008

A*M*E*R*I*C*A*N
P*I*E
Smaller Items That May Have Slipped Through The Cracks
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New York, NY -- Harry Potter creator J. K. Rowling arrived in New York to testify in a copyright infringement lawsuit she brought against the author of a Harry Potter lexicon. Meanwhile, Pope Benedict XVI arrived in New York to begin his first visit to the US. Which raises the obvious question: what’s the difference between the pope and J.K. Rowling? Well, one has made a fortune peddling magic, fantasy and make-believe and the other is a talented children’s writer.

New York, NY -- On Sunday. the pope will emcee a mass before 50,000 of the faithful in Yankee Stadium. He’ll pray for and end to world hunger, peace in the Middle East and the Knicks.

Atlanta, GA -- Pending approval by the FDA, Delta and Northwest Airlines will merge to form the world’s largest carrier with 80,000 employees, 2700 flights a day and a net worth of $17.7 billion. Deciding what to name the new company wasn’t easy. After lengthy negotiations, lawyers for both parties agreed that the name should somehow incorporate the shape of their new Boeing 880’s. The new name… “Northwest Delta Burke.”

Detroit, MICH -- Nissan has announced that they will produce a small car designed by Chrysler and Chrysler will make a full size pickup designed by Nissan. If this doesn’t make you forget December 7th, nothing will.

Los Angeles, CA -- Lawyer Robert Shapiro is appearing in television commercials for a company called “Legal Zoom,” which offers cut rate wills, trusts, divorces at a fraction of what real lawyers charge. Don’t know about you, but I’m in. How can you not trust a guy who helped get OJ off?
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QUOTH THE
NITWIT…

“I’m the master of low expectations.”

George W. Bush 6/4/2003 Aboard Air Force
One

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Washington, DC -- Wal Mart will photograph any customer who buys a gun and turn the photo over to police if the weapon is used to commit a crime. Unless, of course, that crime is holding up a K-Mart or a Target.

Paris, FLA -- A 25 foot long skeleton of a three-horned Triceratops dinosaur 65 million years old will be sold at a Christie’s auction. The successful bidder will receive the bones, the scaffold on which they are mounted and the collar worn by the young dinosaur when it was presented to John McCain as a Christmas present from his folks.

New York, NY -- Former SecState Rumsfeld has been signed by Penguin Books to write his memoirs, though for no advance and expenses only. He told reporters “You go with the publisher you have, not the publisher you’d like to have.”

Ozark, ALA -- Seven Carroll High School students face expulsion for spray painting vulgar messages on school walls. District officials proudly pointed out that spelling, syntax, punctuation and grammar were much improved over last year’s vandalism.
________________________________________________
[] Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
www.rfbd.org (866) 732-3585
________________________________________________

Philadelphia, PA -- A new law limits gun purchases to one weapon per person a month. Good idea. At that rate, it would take at least two years to equip a decent massacre.

Agawam, MASS -- Six Flags has canceled the planned construction of a $7 million roller coaster with a “Bat Man” theme. Probably for the best. Riders would have had to hang upside down.

Murfreesboro, TN -- Rutherford County commissioners have rejected a plan to build a 282 acre Bible-themed amusement park. To be called “12 Apostles Magic Mountain.”

Salt Lake City, UT -- City officials have established new rules requiring children under three to wear a diaper and waterproof swim pants in public pools. Female astronauts are barred completely.
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Phoenix, AZ -- McCain campaign aides lifted some recipes from the Rachael Ray Show on cable and released them as “Cindy McCain’s Family Recipes.” They should have known that Cindy’s recipes are all pureed on a Cuisinart so John can chew them.

Atlantic City, NJ -- During the International Coastal Cleanup last September, 378,000 volunteers scoured 33,000 miles of shoreline, picking up six million pounds of trash. On the plus side, they found enough medical waste to equip seven VA hospitals.

Charleston, SC -- A 200 year old law makes it illegal to play poker for money. Strip poker is allowed as long as the winner doesn’t sell the clothes.

Providence, RI -- Police officials are investigating reports that answers to a test being given to candidates for promotion to sergeant were somehow leaked to a few of them. Details are sketchy, but it appears that the answers may have been brought into the testing room concealed in a jelly donut.
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[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.

www.larrs.org

password: independence

___________________________________________________________________

Springfield, VT -- To improve the quality of reception, a cell phone provider will be allowed to install their transmitter in the steeple of the Holy Trinity Orthodox Church. Customers in the coverage area will be sent short text messages on subjects ranging from faith, hope and charity to abortion and same sex marriage.

Charleston, WV -- Rising gasoline prices may lead to a four-day work week for state employees. Which, when you factor in the reduced hours bureaucrats actually work, is about a day and a half.

Seattle, WA -- Starbucks has introduced the “Splash Stick,” a plastic device that is used to plug up the sip hole in the cup’s cap to prevent spillage. It’s free. Well, not exactly free, but it’s only $3.95 with proof of product purchase, which at Starbuck prices is free.

Detroit, MICH -- Strapped for cash to cover recent improvements, Detroit’s Metro Airport will sell the rights to rename its North Terminal. Leading bidders so far are Staples, Home Depot and a syndicate of disgruntled flyers who want to name it “Big Pile of Lost Luggage.”

Washington, DC -- Lt. Cmdr. Rebecca Dickinson, 38, testified in federal court that she moonlighted as a call girl while assigned to the Naval Academy as a supply officer. She says she turned down Eliot Spitzer because he wanted her to sing “Popeye the Sailor Man” while performing unnatural acts with spinach.

New York, NY -- In a ratings nosedive since she assumed the CBS News anchor chair in 2006, Katie Couric will bail out of her five year contract, probably before the presidential election. On a brighter note for Katie, she’s been offered a position that better suits her talents, replacing the retiring Vanna White.

Minneapolis, MINN -- After 23 people in 14 states were hospitalized with salmonella, Malt-O-Meal has recalled all its puffed rice and puff wheat cereals. It’s shot from guns. That should have been enough of a health warning right there.

Boao, PRC -- For the first time since the two countries split in 1949, the president of China met with the vice president of Taiwan. Over lunch. But not in a restaurant. Instead, they decided to stay at the hotel and send out for American.

Lake Buena Vista, FLA -- Disney World is offering the presidential candidates “fast passes” that will allow the VIP’s to cut in front of everyone else in line. Just McCain’s luck. He’s past the age limit for admittance to most of the rides.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT…

“If you’re sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come join this campaign.”

George W. Bush
2/16/2000 Hilton Head, SC

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San Pedro, CA -- Terri Kifer and Joyce Sexton won a settlement from Princess Cruises for conspiring with artist Martiros Manoukian to sell them an original painting for $71,600 during a cruise to the Baltic. The following year, they saw the same painting, an assembly line “original,” sell at auction on another Princess ship for $50,000, while neither painting was actually worth anything near the amounts paid. In their defense, Princess admitted that they often visit the same Caribbean island over and over, telling passengers it’s a different island each time.

Rome, ITALY -- Captain Massimo Rossi, chief of Italy’s Archeology Thievery Unit, announced the recovery of the head of Roman Emperor Lucias Verus, long missing from a vandalized museum statue. Good news for Ted Williams’ family, who still hope to find his missing cryogenically preserved head.

Long Beach, CA -- Jerome James was accused of smuggling a Fiji Island Iguana into the US concealed in his prosthetic leg. Almost made it, too. Then one of his toes bit another passenger.

Provo, UT -- Brigham Young University students are hosting the world’s biggest “Rock-Paper-Scissors” Tournament with a grand prize of $3000. It’s expected to draw an even larger crowd than last year’s “Hangman” Tournament.
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[] FREE E-BOOK! Excerpts from Bob's new book "THE LAUGH MAKERS: Memories of a Writer for Bob Hope" are now available FREE on line. This month's installment is entitled "The Bob Hope Show in China" and recounts the comedian's history-making visit to China in July 1979, the first American entertainer allowed to tape a special in the Peoples Republic after Nixon restored diplomatic relations in 1974. In light of the Olympics and Tibet currently in the news, you'll marvel at the changes that have taken place in China over the past 30 years. Of course, there are plenty of laughs, too, so you won't want to miss these backstage stories and anecdotes. It's a great read!

www.laughmakers.blogspot.com

_____________________________________________________________

Columbia, SC -- State representative Todd Rutherford has introduced a bill to remove from state grounds the statue of 19th century governor “Pitchfork” Ben Tillman, who ordered the killing of any black who attempted to vote. In the Pitchfork’s defense -- he was a genuine fan of jazz.

Pittsburgh, PA -- The Carnegie Science Center will spend $3.4 million for an exhibition that will “pay homage to the portrayal of robots in popular culture.” Seems like there should be a less expensive way to honor Laura Bush.

Indianapolis, IND -- Lois Weber, 90, told police her new tennis shoes jammed the gas pedal of her Cadillac, causing it to crash through the wall of a McDonalds. All ended well, though. No one was injured and Lois made it to her Tai Kwon Do class.

New Haven, CONN -- A 14-year old student at Morgan School converted a disposable camera into a tazer gun which he then brought to school. He’s been suspended for ten days, but will spend the time sky diving with the parachute he made out of his back pack.
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Bay St. Louis, MISS -- Edna Mae Sanders was given life for killing her husband by dousing him with hot cooking oil while he slept.

Woburn, MASS -- James Keown has been charged with killing his wife, Julie, by spiking her Gatorade with antifreeze.

You have the feeling we should make sure these two never meet?
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FRIDAY, April 11, 2008

Washington, DC -- Petraeus tells Congress: “We haven’t turned any corners and we haven’t seen any lights at the end of the tunnel… the champagne bottle has been pushed to the back of the refrigerator.” So is the glass half empty or half full? Has the fat lady begun to sing? Probably depends on which way the wind is blowing, how the cookie crumbles and whether we keep our nose to the grindstone and our shoulder to the wheel, keep our ducks in a row and don‘t put all our eggs in one basket. Otherwise, we’ll end up crying over spilt milk.

Dallas, TX -- Laura Bush launched the National Parks Foundation’s “First Bloom Program,” which encourages gardening among urban school children. The opening ceremony concluded with a live demonstration of “drive-by pruning.”

Washington, DC -- During his visit next week, Pope Benedict XVI will motorcade from the White House, up Pennsylvania Avenue, along Rock Creek Parkway, and up Massachusetts Avenue to the Vatican Embassy. He may make one stop to lay a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Molested Altar Boy.

Washington, DC -- An internal audit has revealed that employees of the Veterans Administration charged $2.6 million to the government for vacations, casino visits, parties, designer clothes and purchases from Sharper Image. In their defense, they were testing Sharper Image’s new “Limp-Master,“ combination air purifier, FM radio and leg prosthesis.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT…

“If you don’t have any ambitions, the minimum wage job isn’t going to get you where you want to get, for example. In other words, what is your ambitions? And oh, by the way, if that is your ambition, here’s what it’s going to take to achieve it.”

George W. Bush
8/29/2002 Little Rock, ARK

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New York, NY -- After several officers were found to be obtaining performance enhancing drugs from an illegal supplier, the New York Police Department will now randomly test cops for steroids. And you thought it was the donuts.

St. Paul, MINN -- This city may extend bar hours to 4 am during the Republican National Convention. This would be in addition, of course, to the usual hooker moratorium.

Olympia, WA -- Evergreen State College paid $51,000 for damage to police cars following a college sponsored hip hop concert. Seems P. Diddy fans were outraged by the appointment of Snoop Dogg to the schools’ prestigious Eminem Chair in Music.

Stevens Point, WIS -- The University of Wisconsin is hosting the 39th annual Trivia Contest which will run for 54 straight hours without interruption. Who hosted the General Electric College Bowl in the 1960’s? (*Answer below)
_____________________________________________________
[] FREE E-BOOK! Excerpts from Bob's new book "THE LAUGH MAKERS: Memories of a Writer for Bob Hope" are now available FREE on line. This month's installment is entitled "The Bob Hope Show in China" and recounts the comedian's history-making visit to China in July 1979, the first American entertainer allowed to tape a special in the Peoples Republic after Nixon restored diplomatic relations in 1974. In light of the Olympics and Tibet currently in the news, you'll marvel at the changes that have taken place in China over the past 30 years. Of course, there are plenty of laughs, too, so you won't want to miss these backstage stories and anecdotes. It's a great read!


www.laughmakers.blogspot.com ________________________________________________________________________

Newfane, VT -- Sheriff captain Heidi Nelson has been charged with having a sexual relationship with a 17 year old student in her law enforcement class at Brattleboro High School. But in Heidi’s defense, she demonstrated proper arrest protocol by arresting herself in class.

Pleasant View, VT -- Firefighters dousing flames in a home fire discovered $78,000 worth of marijuana growing in the basement. And it was potent. Three of the responding fire laddies have already quit to form a rock group.

Athens, TX -- Three middle school students were beaten up when they brought a poster to class that read: “If you love your nation, stop illegal immigration!” The principal of Lou Dobbs Junior High was at a loss to explain the violence.

Hannibal, MO -- No longer able to pass seaworthiness tests, the historic sternwheeler “Delta Queen” will be scrapped after making farewell stops at cities along the Mississippi. Sad news for John McCain who as a boy, met Mark Twain while working as a stoker on board the famous showboat.
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[] You can comment on anything you read in this blog. Just scrolldown until you come to the "Post a comment" icon at the end of this post. _______________________________________________________________________

Shreveport, LA -- A 31-year old fire-eating stripper at the Déjà Vu Hustler Club set herself aflame during her act. Showing an exemplary concern for safety, firemen took turns patting out the hot spots.

Windsor Locks, CN -- Police are searching for a man who held up the Elm Street Package Store with an umbrella. Police issued an all points bulletin for the suspect described as armed, dangerous… and dry.

West Lafayette, IND -- The Purdue Society of Professional Engineers won the annual Rube Goldberg contest with a 156-step hamburger making machine. Which came close to perfection, omitting only 20 of the 112 sesame seeds considered acceptable for a bun.

Wichita, KS -- A Wichita State University study shows that airline performance records are at a twenty year low with American, Northwest and US Airways boasting the worst on-time records, Delta with the most bumps, and American Eagle and Com Air raking up the most lost luggage. Worst record for being shot down shortly after takeoff: Air Baghdad.
_____________________________________________________
[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.


www.larrs.org password: intelligence
________________________________________________________________________

Atlanta, GA -- Atlanta, Newark, Philadelphia and New York now offer medical services at airport clinics, treating passengers with time to kill during layovers. Convenience plus. You can now score a quickie colonoscopy while they’re searching for your luggage.

Moundsville, WV -- Marshall High School advisor Nicole Shipman was suspended for one day for referring to a student as “trailer trash.” Could have been worse. “Poor white trash” draws a three day hiatus.

San Francisco, CA -- A study has shown that an increasing number of bloggers are so dedicated to their work, they develop poor eating and health habits, suffer from insomnia, and sometimes die at their computers. Well, I think I’m ready for a little break.
_____________________________________________________
[] BULLETIN! To catch major, late-breaking headlines the moment they hit the street, check the "Bereft On The Left" blog often. To insure that you don't miss a beat, it's a smart idea to add the blog to your "Favorites" list.


www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com
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* Answer to trivia question: Allan Ludden
_____________________________________________________

MONDAY, April 7,2008

A*M*E*R*I*C*A*N
P*I*E
Smaller Items That May Have Slipped Through The Cracks

_______________________________________

Beverly Hills, CA -- Arch-conservative, former movie Moses Charlton Heston died this week at age 84. Actually, he died a week ago, but it's taken this long for doctors to pry the Winchester out of his cold, dead hands.

Huntington Beach, CA -- Surfers reported spotting several Great White sharks swimming nearby. No attacks on beach goers, but just as a precaution, police questioned Kirstie Alley and Rosie O'Donnell.

London, GB -- Supermodel Naomi Campbell, 37, was arrested at Heathrow Airport's Terminal 5 after scuffling with an airline employee over her lost luggage. Naomi bothers with luggage? Her entire wardrobe would fit in an attache case.

Palo Alto, CA -- Researchers at Stanford University have discovered that men who are sexually aroused are prone to take unnecessary financial risks, triggered by an area of the brain called the "nucleus accumbens." Renamed the "nucleus eliotspitzer."

Cincinnati, OH -- The Cincinnati Bengals fired wide receiver Chris Henry, 24, after he was charged with assaulting an 18 year old with a beer bottle. Past arrests include driving with a suspended license, possession of marijuana, carrying a concealed weapon, drunk driving and providing alcohol to minors. But to Chris's credit, he's clean when it comes to dog fighting.
_______________________________________

QUOTH THE NITWIT...


"Recession means that people's incomes, at the employer level, are going down, basically, relitive to costs, people are getting laid off."

George W. Bush 2/19/2004 Washington, DC
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Portland, ORE -- The Mount Hood Ski Resort has received permission from the Pentagon to trigger dangerous avalanches with howitzers. Courtesy of the Army's elite 101st Bunny Hill Artillery Regiment.

Nashville, TENN -- The state attorney general has approved bible classes in public schools, providing the course doesn't favor any particular religion. References to God will be replaced by "all-powerful fairy tale character of your choice."

San Francisco, CA -- Bidding for Barry Bonds' 762nd home run ball, which has reached $177,000, will conclude on April 12. The winning bidder will also receive a set of autographed syringes and Barrys monogrammed rubber tournequet.

Boston, MASS -- Protecting an unhatched egg in her nest above the press box at Fenway Park, a hawk taloned Alexa Rodriguez, 13, who was treated at a local hospital for a gash in her forehead. The hawk owns a season nest that been in the family since 1949.

Nogales, AZ -- Customs officials have seized over 3000 pounds of marijuana hidden in railroad cars crossing the border from Mexico. They routinely flag down any train whose wheels aren't touching the tracks.
_______________________________________

[] FREE E-BOOK! Excerpts from Bob's new book "THE LAUGH MAKERS: Memories of a Writer for Bob Hope" are now available FREE on line. This month's installment is entitled "The Bob Hope Show in China" and recounts the comedian's history-making visit to China in July 1979. In light of the Olympics and Tibet currently in the news, you'll marvel at the changes that have taken place in China over the past 30 years. Of course, there are plenty of laughs, too, so you won't want to miss these backstage stories and anecdotes. It's a great read!

www.laughmakers.blogspot.com
___________________________________________________

Fairview Heights, ILL -- A variety of poisonous reptiles were released when a motorist crashed into a snake breeder's basement. They were quickly rounded up with the help of police, the Department of Fish & Game, and the local Bar Association.

Bloomington, IND -- Will Shortz, editor of the famed New York Times crossword puzzle, addressed the graduating class of his alma mater, Indiana University. He'll address next week's entering freshman class with the correct answers.

Waycross, GA -- Nine third graders at a local elementary school hatched a plan to exact revenge on their teacher for wrongfully disciplining a classmate. Officials at the OJ Simpson School District Headquarters were at a loss to explain how such a thing could happen.

Beverly Hills, CA -- While coaching his 9-year old's Little League team, Larry King was ejected from a game for arguing with an umpire. It wasn't his words so much as it was the snapping of his suspenders.

Click here to add theme music to your reading experience...

THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!

DOLORES HOPE MEDLEY

DOLORES HOPE "Silver Bells" (with Bob)

BOB HOPE'S 1983 U.S. COLLEGE CAMPUS TOUR: Your Alma Mater Here?


"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."

http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm

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WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99

Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ