NEW ORLEANS (BBC) - If the current figures hold up, the New Orleans Saints' Super Bowl victory over the Indianapolis Colts has toppled the 1983 finale of M*A*S*H as the highest rated TV program in history. According to the exit polls, half of Sunday's audience tuned in for the game and half showed up to see Leno and Letterman in the same commercial.
TALENT TAB
LONDON (BBC) - Bowing to pressure for more financial transparency, the BBC has disclosed that it paid $350 million to artists, presenters, musicians and other media contributors in 2009, representing 300,000 individual contracts, averaging $2,500 each. Several suspicious members of Parliament have questioned the $78,341 paid to Amy Winehouse for "miscellaneous tattoos."
SEA HUNT
GULF OF MEXICO (BBC) - While exploring the deep as part of the Serpent Project sponsored by off shore oil companies, marine scientist Dr. Mark Benfield of Louisiana State University captured extraordinary footage of a rarely seen deep sea giant called an oarfish. Dr. Benfield told reporters that the experience was almost as exciting as photographing David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson collecting kelp on "Baywatch."
BLADE RUNNER
LONDON (BBC) - Great Britain's first Asian High Court judge, Sir Mota Singh, told a TV interviewer that in his opinion, Sikhs should be allowed to wear their ceremonial dagger, called a Kirpan, because it is a sacred symbol of their faith. Which is all well and good until, short of booking a magic carpet, a Singh wants to fly somewhere.
TWEET TWEET
LONDON (BBC) - A study conducted by the Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre found that 80% of five to seven-year-olds use the internet, up from 57% in 2008. The good news is they've already learned the alphabet. The bad news is, only if they're allowed to Twitter it.
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PHOTO FROM THE LAUGH MAKERS
Phyllis Diller was a frequent guest. She had appeared in three movies with Hope — Boy Did I
Get a Wrong Number (1966), Eight on the Lamb (1967) and The Private Navy of Sgt.
O’Farrell (1968). Among Hope’s show biz pals, Phyllis was his most rabid fan and has a large
oil portrait of him in the living room of her Brentwood, California mansion.
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2-9
PANDORA BOXED
HOLLYWOOD (BBC) - After seven record-breaking weeks during which James Cameron's "Avatar" raked in $630 million, the picture was dethroned in the weekend gross-sweepstakes by newcomer "Dear John" starring Channing Tatum and Amanda Seyfried. It was Jim's costliest Dear John letter since the one he got from Katherine Bigelow.
ISSABURGER
ROME (BBC) - Accused of selling out world-famous Italian cuisine, Italy's agriculture minister Luca Zaia defended his sponsorship of McDonald's new McItaly Burger -- Italian beef, Asiago cheese and artichoke spread. But what really frosts the locals is a TV commercial where Ronald McDonald dressed as a Mafia don stuffs Jack in the Box into the trunk of a black Cadillac.
MILE HIGH CLUB
DALLAS (BBC) - Beginning May 1, American Airlines will charge $8 for a pillow and blanket in coach class for domestic trips and some international flights to and from Canada, Mexico, Hawaii, the Caribbean and Central America. The good news is, for $800 an hour, you also get a flight attendant.
GOOD JOB, BROWNIE
NEW ORLEANS (BBC) - Party season arrived early as the New Orleans Saints, trailing at the half, came from behind to defeat the Indianapolis Colts 31-17, clinching their first-ever Super Bowl win. On a less celebratory note, the team jackets provided by FEMA during Katrina recently tested positive for cancer-causing asbestos fibers.
TO LOOK SHARP
SYDNEY (BBC) - Australian sword swallower Chayne Hultgren, also known as the Space Cowboy, beat his own 2008 record by swallowing 18 3-foot long swords at the same time, setting a Guinness World Record. Good news for Gillette who, since dropping Tiger Woods, have been frantically seeking another world champion endorser.
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PHOTO FROM THE LAUGH MAKERS
Don Marando and I try to blend in with this group of young students at the Peking
Opera School. Hand-picked from villages all over China, they will spend years training
for the “big show,” all on the government’s tab. It’s a golden opportunity for any peasant
kid — providing he wants to be in China’s version of vaudeville. (Page 178)
www.bearmanormedia.bizland.com/id370
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2-8
YOU BECHA!
NASHVILLE (BBC) - Former U.S. vice-presidential candidate-governor of Alaska Sarah Palin addressed the first convention of the Tea Party, urging a return to conservative principles. She called Obama's budget "immoral" for its runaway spending and drew cheers from the $500-a-ticket supporters when she promised to donate her $100,000 speaking fee to the cause.
SCOOPS SCOOP
MERIDA, VENEZUELA (BBC) The 40-year-old Coromoto Ice Cream Shop offers customers a choice of 860 flavors including chili, tomato, gherkin, onion, mushrooms in wine, garlic, cream of crab, sardines-in-brandy, beef, rice, plantain, cheese and black beans, cheddar and sweet corn, eggs, avocado and macaroni cheese. Theme flavors include British Airways, Andean Kisses, Viagra Hope (blue) and I'm Sorry, Darling. Their piece de resistance is still in development: Ben & Jerry's locker room after a workout.
WINDOW DRESSING
SEATTLE (BBC) - Microsoft in its latest security update has addressed a bug that has been present for 17 years affecting Windows NT 3.1, XP, Vista and Windows 7, allowing hackers to hijack machines and run their own programs on them. Most serious vulnerability, according to Microsoft's security analysts, is software that would allow users to see what Bill Gates would look like with a decent haircut.
BOARDS BOARDED
LONDON (BBC) - London's 109-year old variety theater, The Hackney, once the home of Charlie Chaplin, W.C. Fields, and Stan Laurel is closing its curtain due to lack of financial support. Likewise, the Pasadena Playhouse, training ground for the likes of Dustin Hoffman, Gene Hackman, and Marilyn Monroe has closed its doors. Making this the worst year for theaters since the decline of radio dramas doomed the theater of the mind.
GREGORIAN CHANCE
CAIRO (BBC) - Egypt has completed the restoration of the 1600-year-old St. Anthony's Christian monastery, consisting of an ancient wall, a tower, two main churches and the monks' quarters. Founded by St. Anthony in a cave close to the Red Sea, it soon became the official "Wine Maker to the Pharoahs" and its friar superior, Brother Angelica, is believed to have inspired the TV series "Monk."
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Although my first network variety show was "The Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts,"
I never got to meet Dean. He just wasn’t in the habit of dropping by the production
office in Burbank. We attended the tapings at the M.G.M. Grand in Las Vegas,
but Dean dealt only with our head writer, Harry Crane. Ten years later, when
Dean appeared on a special entitled "Bob Hope Salutes the Super Bowl," he sang
a parody duet I had co-written on the players’ strike called “Waiting in the Wings"
and I finally met him. Good things happen to those who wait. (page 200)
www.bearmanormedia.bizland.com/id370.html
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2-5
LAUGHS From The PAST (From the February 9, 2000 issue)
FOUNDLING FATHER
Red faced administrators of Monticello, Thomas Jefferson's Virginia estate, admitted that an extensive DNA study they commissioned shows that Jefferson was almost certainly the father of all six children of Sally Hemmings, one of his slaves. On the plus side, Jefferson is a virtual shoo-in for this year's Wilt Chamberlain Award.
CHIPS 'N' DIP
As thousands of football fans descend on Atlanta for the Super Bowl, record crowds are expected at the city's most popular tourist attractions. The King Center, the Margaret Mitchell House, the High Museum and the offices of Jane Fonda's divorce lawyers.
FLAPPING IN THE WIND
The Rev. Jesse Jackson is asking both teams in the Super Bowl to display small American flags on their helmets to protest South Carolina's capitol dome Confederate flag. Better still, why not ask the officials to toss small Confederate flags on the muddy field to signal rule infractions?
DOWN THE HATCH
A last place finish in the Iowa caucuses with barely 1% of the vote persuaded Orrin Hatch to drop out of the presidential primary race. There will be a slight pause as everyone asks, who's Orrin Hatch?
EXAM SCAM
Two residents of Glendale, CA were convicted of concocting an elaborate scheme to beat the Law School Admissions Test by stealing a test booklet, threatening a proctor with a knife, and transmitting answers by pager from California to Hawaii to take advantage of the time difference. They sound like fine lawyer candidates to me.
PLEASURE PALACE
Ulla Hedegaard Juul, the first woman to guard Denmark's Amalienborg Palace as a member of the elite Danish Royal Life Guard, was relieved of duty after allegations surfaced that she was also working as a prostitute. Her superiors became suspicious when, instead of walking beside the king's limo, she'd flag it down.
HEERE'S EDDIE
Contestants who pay a $19.95 entry fee may send Ed MacMahon a video taped performance in one of 10 categories including music, comedy, cheerleading and modeling to his new "Star Search" web site at www.nextbigstar.com Winners will have their choice between $10,000 in cash or a Clydesdale.
WORDS TO LIVE BY
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Cyclops who once answered a friend, "It's a monocle, why do you ask?"
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Barbara Mandrell had everything Hope sought in a guest. She could sing and dance, she had impeccable comic timing and — perhaps most important of all – she was a good sport. She obviously held Hope in high regard but could, at times, seem almost motherly toward him. She had been in a tragic auto accident that had killed another occupant in her car and was a firm believer in seat belts before they became mandatory. She would refuse to ride in a limo with Hope until he buckled up. (page 125)www.bearmanormedia.bizland.com/id370.html
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2-4
DO ASK, DO TELL
WASHINGTON (BBC) - Admiral Mike Mullen, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, told the Senate Armed Services Committee that openly gay people should be allowed to serve in the U.S. military and that the "don't ask, don't tell" policy now in force should be repealed. He dismissed as "unfounded" a fear common among active duty personnel that dress uniforms would soon feature sequins, feathers and gold lame pumps.
NOSE KNOWS
LOS ANGELES (BBC) - Michael Jackson's doctor, Conrad Murray will be charged with the involuntary manslaughter of the pop icon last June 25 by administering a fatal anesthetic to the victim. Reliable sources within the legal community report that Murray's attorneys plan to plead the little-used "Dr. Frankenstein Defense" which places the blame on "excessive rearrangement of body parts."
DRAW, YOU MANGY CY-OOT
LONDON (BBC) - A study led by Dr. Andrew Welchman from the University of Birmingham found that the person who shoots second in a gun fight usually wins since people generally move faster when reacting to an attack than when initiating one. With one exception: attackers who look "freaky" -- like, say, Phil Spector or Rip Torn -- so distract their victims that reaction time is rendered irrelevant.
HIDDEN ASSETS
SYDNEY (BBC) - An Australian official with the Macquarie Bank was filmed gazing at nude photos of model Miranda Kerr on a computer screen as he sat beside a colleague being interviewed on Channel 7. Following the broadcast, he told his superiors that he had accessed Playboy.com for the articles.
TRUE BLUE TRUANCY
LIVERPOOL (BBC) - The number of parents being fined for taking their children out of classes during the academic year to go on holiday and take advantage of lower travel rates is up 50% over last year. In the U.S., parents risk no such fine and freely withdraw students for completely different reasons such as protesting the teaching of evolution, recovering from gunshot wounds, marrying the teacher or auditioning for a spot on "American Idol."
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SAMPLE PHOTO EXCERPT from THE LAUGH MAKERS
Hope and Florence Henderson arrive bright and early, eager to get aboard and launch their
romantic voyage. Conditions on Perth's Swan River are ideal as they review the comedy
duet they’ll perform while the cameras, strategically positioned on shore, are rolling.
Barney McNulty plans to hold the cue cards ahead of the boat just out of camera range.
“All ashore that’s going ashore!” The passengers board and take their positions. A tow rope has been attached to the dinghy’s bow that will be used to pull it forward during the number. There’s a short delay when Hope decides to flip a coin to determine who rows. Florence suggests they arm wrestle. She wins. Florence laughs when she sees Barney disappear while holding the cards. Hope, who can’t see Barney in the water behind him, asks what she’s laughing at. Not wanting to spoil the take, she says, “Something just struck me funny.” Hope says, “Don’t stop. You may be the only one.” The photos of Barney’s dive in the paper next day constituted the only time he ever pushed Hope off the front page. (Page 102-103)
www.bearmanormedia.bizland.com/id370.html
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2-3
DESPERATE VESPERS
VATICAN CITY (BBC) - Pope Benedict XVI has confirmed that he'll make the first papal visit to the UK and Scotland since John Paul II's in 1982. Planned stops include Birmingham as part of the beatification of Cardinal John Newman. However, the Holy Father will bypass Ireland. In view of the current archbishop-aided priest pedophile scandal, he could be the target of process servers.
I CONFESS
HOLLYWOOD (BBC) - As the first woman to achieve the honor in the 62-year history of the Directors Guild Awards, Kathryn Bigelow has been named best director of the searing condemnation of the pointless U.S. invasion of Iraq, her Oscar-bound film "The Hurt Locker." The title is a bit confusing as it was also the CIA's nickname for Dick Cheney's water-boarding chamber.
BELT TIGHTENING
MOSCOW (BBC) - Reflecting the steepest annual dip in the past fifteen years, the Russian economy declined 7.9% in 2009. No surprise as everyone in the former Soviet Union has had to cut back -- even the president. Yesterday, Putin's Black Belt in karati was downgraded to gray.
A FEW BAD DECISIONS
WASHINGTON (BBC) - U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates has sacked the Marine Corps general overseeing the $40 billion F-35 Fighter Jet development program and canceled Lockheed-Martin's $614 million contract to build the problem-plagued, budget-busting airplane. The general suspected he was losing his program when Gates began addressing him as "Conan."
BRINEY BRAINS
VIENNA (BBC) - A team of research scientists from Austria, Australia and Switzerland has found that a daily intake of a fish oil capsule can prevent the onset of mental illness in those at highest risk, cutting the onset of schizophrenia by as much as 25%. The findings are supported by observations once voiced by Jacques Cousteau that he never met a sturgeon who thought he was Napoleon.
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FREE SAMPLE EXCERPT from THE LAUGH MAKERS (page 229)
Gig and I with Henny Youngman aboard the USS Iwo Jima in NY Harbor in February, 1979.
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2-2
BOOBS' BOOBS
LONDON (BBC) - For the second year running and despite the economic downturn, the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons reports that breast reduction for men is their fastest-growing procedure, with breast enhancement still the top procedure for women. Obvious cost-cutting solution would be to introduce the two groups to each other who could then split the difference.
CONCEALED BUZZER
JAKARTA (BBC) - An Indonesian 8-year old boy was prosecuted for "serious abuse" after he placed a bee on a schoolmate's cheek which then stung the girl. The offense is punishable by up to three years in adult prison, but a judge dismissed the case and admonished the parents for leaving a loaded bee where a child could find it.
PLASTIC WOMAN
BOSTON (AP) - Senator-elect Scott Brown told ABC's "This Week" that his daughter, Ayla, dismissed in 2006 from "American Idol" competition after Simon Cowell called her performance "robotic and empty," should be given another chance. The proud dad reasons that she deserves another shot since being robotic and empty never hurt Sarah Palin.
HAPPY FEAT
CAIRO (BBC) - Egypt's head of archeology, Zahi, has announced that he will soon release the results of DNA tests and CAT scans performed last year on the mummy of the world's most famous ancient king, Tutankhamun. The findings are expected to confirm that Steve Martin's conjecture was correct and that King Tut was indeed "born in Arizonia and raised Bablonia."
THE WRONG STUFF
WASHINGTON (AP) - President Barack Obama's newly-released budget earmarks billions of dollars to encourage private industry to build, launch and operate spacecraft instead of NASA. Sounds like a reasonable alternative to the massive mismanagement at NASA as long as the U.S. auto industry is allowed nowhere near the project.
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FREE SAMPLE EXCERPT from THE LAUGH MAKERS
Bob Hope in China: Producing a TV Special Under the Scrutiny of the Chinese Secret Police
http://www.amazines.com/article_detail.cfm?articleid=1134728
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2-1
WINGED VICTORIES
ATHENS, GA (BBC) - A Research team from the University of Georgia discovered that Monarch butterflies that migrate long distances develop greater wingspans (up to 12 inches) than those who don't. The largest butterfly ever observed is the Segournia Weaveria, a giant species found only on the planet Pandora.
WHEREFORE ART THOU?
LONDON (AP) - Archeologists excavating sites of the Elizabethan period Globe and Rose Theaters found evidence that audiences ate vast quantities of blackberry and elderberry pies along with figs, hazelnuts, cherries, peaches, clams, oysters, crab and sturgeon. A faded bleacher-vendor's sign reads "Ye Olde Hamlet Omelet: 3 Farthings; Ye Olde Goblet of Gimlets: 6 Haypennies."
EARLY BIRDS
PERTH (BBC) - A study of 9,200 people over-70 conducted by the University of Western Australia found that moderately overweight seniors live longer than those of normal or below normal weight. Porky males seem to benefit from the exercise of getting in and out of a Lay-Z-Boy recliner and chubby women from the multiple sit-ups required each morning just to tie their shoes.
FORE!
ATLANTA (AP) - Telling friends that she was "finally fed up with" the behavior of her husband, Elizabeth Edwards gave the former Senator his walking papers. Bad enough that he denied fathering a love child out of wedlock, but lately she says he's been exploring a career in professional golf.
FINGER LICKIN'
LONDON (BBC) - Yellowing note paper with a typed diet found folded into a 1979 issue of The Economist Magazine indicates that former PM Margaret Thatcher was eating 28 eggs a week in an attempt to lose 20 pounds in the run up to the 1979 election. Which explains why, during a state visit to the colonies, the PM uncharacteristically recoiled in fear when Nancy Reagan introduced her to Colonel Sanders.
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FREE SAMPLE EXCERPT from THE LAUGH MAKERS
Bob Hope Down Under: Going Through Aussie Customs
Bob, Florence Henderson and Barbara Eden encounter a tough Customs Officer (Charo)
http://www.amazines.com/article_detail.cfm?articleid=1363518
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1-29
LAUGHS From the PAST
From the issue of February 6, 2001
BAUER BOWS OUT
Gary Bauer has withdrawn from the GOP primary race after receiving only 1% of the vote in New Hampshire. And half of those votes were write-ins for What Me Worry?
PINK SLIPS R US
Following three unprofitable quarters in a row, Mattel's CEO Jill Barad has resigned under pressure. She knew it was curtains when she got to work and found "CEO Barbie" lying on her desk with a rope around its neck.
ROYAL REPAIR
Prince Ranier is resting comfortably in a Monaco hospital after lung surgery.
He also complained of a persistent pain in his neck, but doctors said there wasn't much they could do about Princess Stephanie.
FOOT LOOSE
American Airlines has buckled to the complaints of passengers and removed two rows of seats in tourist, giving them 35% more leg room. The downside: the pilot and copilot have to share a camp stool.
SYNDICATED SINKING
Taking advantage of his bulging campaign coffers, George W. Bush will buy more TV air time in South Carolina than previously planned. Good strategy. Give the voters an even better look at those blank eyes and that self-satisfied smirk.
WORDS TO LIVE BY
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Francis Scott Key's song publisher who said to Frank, "We like 'Oh Say Can You Wiggle Your Ears?,' but we think you can do better."
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FREE SAMPLE EXCERPT from THE LAUGH MAKERS (Just Posted)
Bob Hope's Personal Museum -- A "Do-It-Yourself" Smithsonian
http://www.amazines.com/article_detail.cfm?articleid=1356311
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1-28
BORN YET AGAIN
ATLANTA (AP) - Gayle Haggart, wife of defrocked televangelist Ted who was caught cavorting with a male hooker, says her husband is now straight. She credits prayer, years of therapy and a dearth of new Broadway show tunes.
COFFEE, TEA... ?
AUCKLAND (BBC) - Air New Zealand has become the first major air carrier to offer the economy class passenger a bed. Considered a major industry breakthrough, it will place membership in the exclusive "Mile High Club" within easy reach of the low-to-middle income traveler.
SOLE MATE
TEL AVIV (BBC) - A protester threw a shoe at Israel's highest judge, Dorit Beinish, hitting her in the face and knocking her down. According to police, the suspect used a deadly-accurate George W. Bush signature "Lob-Loafer" from Bruno Magli.
INSERT HERE
RIVERSIDE, CA (AP) - Complaining parents in the Riverside County School District have prompted officials to remove the Merriam-Webster dictionary from their shelves because the definition of "oral sex" is too explicit. Well, that and the accompanying photo of the Kardashians.
TOKE FOLKS
ASPEN, COLO. (AP) - The city of Aspen will host the first annual "Western Slope Cannibus Festival" during which a crown will be awarded to the marijuana grower with the most potent pot. Sponsors include the makers of the Roach Motel with entertainment provided by Woody Harrelson, Cheech & Chong and the Dooby Brothers.
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FREE SAMPLE EXCERPT from THE LAUGH MAKERS (Just Posted)
Bob Hope and the Joke That Bit Back
http://www.amazines.com/article_detail.cfm?articleid=1356487
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1-27
PULL TO INFLATE
PARIS (AP) - Air France has begun charging passengers who qualify as "obese" for two seats. Unless they agree that in the event of a water landing they'll act as a floatition device.
GRAND OPRAH
CHICAGO (AP) - Kitty Kelly has written a biography of Oprah Winfrey due to be published soon. She claims it's original but some say she may have used notes she already had. For instance, she claims Oprah often slugged photographers and once married Ava Gardner.
RACKED
NEW YORK (AP) - American Idol creator Simon Fuller is producing a stage version of the Spice Girls' rise to stardom to be called "Viva Forever!" Currently he's holding open auditions for "Nutmeg," "Oregano" and "Dill."
CAN WE TALK?
HOLLYWOOD (AP) - Betty White received the SAG "Life Achievement Award" at Saturday's Golden Globe Awards. Their first annual "Elective Plastic Reconstruction Award" went to Joan Rivers.
FRAMED
NEW YORK (BBC) - An art student at New York's Metropolitan Museum of Art accidentally fell into a 1904 six-foot by four-foot Picasso painting called "The Actor," causing a six-inch tear in the canvas. Luckily, a fellow student drawing nearby caught the fall for insurance purposes.
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FREE SAMPLE EXCERPT from THE LAUGH MAKERS (Just Posted)My First Writing Assignment: Reactions to Bing's Death
http://www.amazines.com/article_detail.cfm?articleid=1359254
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1-26
BAGGAGE TAGGED
ST. LOUIS (AP) - American Airlines has announced that it will now charge $25 for the first checked bag and $35 for the second. There will be a slight additional charge if the pilot overshoots the destination airport by more than 150 miles.
WHEEEEE!
SEOUL (AP) - Universal Studios Korea Resort, billed as larger than all other Universal parks combined, is now scheduled to open in 2012. Main attraction will be the "Cho-La-Coaster," a thrill ride built inside a giant replica of Margaret Cho's head.
POT STICKERS
SACRAMENTO, CA (AP) - The state of California will release 6,000 inmates without parole or other supervision, most convicted for possessing recreational marijuana by over-zealous "law and order" prosecutors. A run on Toll House cookies is anticipated.
AWAY GAME
OAKLAND, CA (BBC) - Grant Desme, 23-year old outfielder who was name MVP in the Arizona Fall League where major league clubs send their top prospects, has announced that he'll forego a contract with the Oakland Athletics to enter the Catholic priesthood. On the other hand, maybe he just wants to play for the Cardinals.
COVER STORY
NEW YORK (AP) - Publisher Bloomsbury USA recalled its new book "Liar" by Justin Larbalestier after complaints from readers that the cover depicts a white protagonist when the actual one is black. Apparently Bloomsbury learned little from the outcry that erupted after they released a biography of Martin Luther King with a cover photo of Larry King.
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FREE SAMPLE EXCERPT from THE LAUGH MAKERS (Just Posted)
Whenever Bob Hope Opened His Mouth, His Writers Were Involved
http://www.amazines.com/article_detail.cfm?articleid=1359267
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1-25
BRISTOL BORED
CHICAGO (BBC) - Sarah Palin and her daughter Bristol, mother of an illegitimate son, appeared on "Oprah" to preach sexual abstanance prior to marriage. Next week, Mark Maguire will appear to talk about abstaining from steriod injections until you're out of the minors.
THE WASILLA WHIPPET
NEW YORK (BBC) - While appearing as a guest on The Glen Beck Show, Sarah Palin was asked to name her favorite "Founding Father." Without hesitation, she enthusiastically replied, "Abraham Lincoln."
Y.M.C.A.
BEIJING (BBC) - Chinese pop singers Yin Youcan and Fang Ziyuan face a stiff fine up to $12,000 for lip-synching ban, facing fines of up to $12,000. Yin plays the cop and Fang is the sailor in the Chinese version of "The Village People."
TOUCHE!
NEW YORK (AP) - After Comedy Central's Jon Stewart criticized MSNBC's Keith Olberman's rant about newly-elected Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown, Olbermann challenged Stewart to invite him on his show. It's not Keith's first run-in with a Stewart. Last year, he challenged Martha to a Toll House cookie bake-off.
TOTAL TOTO
LONDON (BBC) - The producers of the new musical stage version of "The Wizard of Oz" have signed Amy Winehouse for the lead. In the new version there will be no yellow brick road -- Dorothy meets the Cowardly Lion, the Scarecrow and the Tin Man on the way to rehab.
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FREE SAMPLE EXCERPT from THE LAUGH MAKERS
Howard Cosell --- The H. L. Mencken of Sports Commentators
http://www.amazines.com/article_detail.cfm?articleid=1229420
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1-23
ALL IN THE FIRST FAMILY
An Inauguration Day Parody
We take you back to January 20, 2009...
(INT. WHITE HOUSE FAMILY QUARTERS)
(PLAY ON: "Hail to the Chief")
(The door opens and the Obamas enter: Barack first dressed in black tie, followed by Michele and the two kids, Sasha and Malia, dressed in their Sunday finest. Barack immediately heads for the couch and plops down. Michele takes their coats and hangs them in the closet near the door. The kids rush over to the TV and snap it on. They sit on the floor to watch the replay.)
BARACK Whew! What a day. I don't think I've been this bushed since I integrated Chicago.
MICHELLE (Mixing drinks at the small bar-on-wheels) Honey, you looked so presidential taking the oath.
BARACK (Studies himself on the TV) You don't think the stovepipe hat was too much?
MICHELLE It was the perfect touch. (Pause) although I'm glad we talked you out of the fake beard.
MALIA (Crawls onto the couch with him) Daddy, we were all so proud!
BARACK I know. I got your text message between "Do you solemnly swear" and "So help me God."
MICHELLE (Hands Barack a scotch & soda) I thought I'd die when Hillary tried to mount the podium wearing that Joe Biden mask.
BARACK And Roberts almost fell for it. I caught him just in time. (laughs) I guess Joe will have to be sworn in later.
SASHA (Points to screen) Look, Uncle Joe is still in the parking lot trying to get through security.
(SFX: Telephone rings O.S.)
BARACK Sasha, will you get that, please.
(Sasha rushes off)
BARACK (to Malia) Malia, did you ever find out what those lumps under your mattress were?
MALIA The Secret Service said they were crumpled up beer cans.
MICHELLE I knew we should have asked the Bush twins to take their beds with them.
(We hear Sasha on the phone in the next room.)
SASHA Hello? (pause) Hold on, I'll get him. (yells) It's for you, daddy.
BARACK Ask who it is.
SASHA Who's calling? (Pause) (yells) Sarah Palin.
MICHELLE (Aside to Barack) I thought we were rid of her. What on earth could she want?
BARACK Probably an appointment as Ambassador to Russia since she wouldn't have to leave home. (to Sasha) Find out what she wants.
SASHA What do you want? (Pause) She wants to know if Cheney left any of his shotguns lying around.
MICHELLE (Aside to Barack) Probably another wedding in the family.
BARACK Tell her no, but ask her if she'd be interested in a used defibrillator.
SASHA No on the shotgun, but do you want an old defibrillator? (Pause) She says "What's a defibrillator?"
MICHELLE Tell her to look in her current issue of "Cardio World."
BARACK (Losing patience) Forget it, Sasha. Just hang up.
SASHA Sorry, I have to go now. (Sound of hanging up)
(Sasha comes back into the room.)
MALIA What did she say?
SASHA "You betcha!"
(Shimmer screen. Scene dissolves, ethereal music under)
(INT. BEDROOM. John and Cindy McCain in a huge four-poster. John is wearing an old-fashioned night cap and a chin strap and Cindy's hair is in curlers. Dentures rest in a glass of water on the night stand on John's side.)
CINDY (Shaking him awake) John! John! Wake up. You were having a nightmare.
JOHN (Rubs his eyes) Gee, it was so real. Everything was so clear.
CINDY Was it the Viet Cong again?
JOHN No, not this time.
CINDY The Keating Five investigating committee?
JOHN No.
CINDY Joe the Plumber?
JOHN No.
CINDY What was it then? What did you see?
JOHN Honey, I think we lost the election to the Cosbys!
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TERMINATED
BOSTON (AP) - The stunning victory of Republican Scott Brown over Democrat Martha Coakley for Teddy Kennedy's Senate seat is being heralded by the GOP as "the most damaging threat to the once-unassailable power, prestige and political reputation of the Kennedys since Arnold."
SHUTTER BUG
NEW YORK (AP) - Tiger Woods appears nude from the waist up on the cover of the current issue of Vanity Fair magazine. A revealing article alleges that he "enjoyed girl-on-girl and mild S&M... and once sent a text message that said "Go to the bathroom and take a picture..." Which is exactly what he's going to end up with after the divorce.
SNIPING 4 JESUS
KABUL (BBC) - Trijicon, a company providing telescopic sights on rifles used by U.S. and British troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, admits allegations raised by non-Christian groups that it has imprinted biblical references on their products for years. References like "Thou Shalt Not Kill," "Do Unto Others," "Turn the Other Cheek" -- no, wait -- bad examples.
ICE RATING
NEW YORK (BBC) - The vice-chairman of the UN's climate science panel admits that it made a mistake in asserting that Himalayan glaciers could disappear by 2035. It seems a low-level clerk mixed up the projections estimated for the melting time of the glaciers with those of Cindy McCain.
TWEETY'S RETREAT
ALEXANDRIA (BBC) - Archaeologists have discovered a 2,000-year-old temple of a cat goddess believed to belong to Queen Berenike II, wife of Ptolemy III who ruled Egypt in the third century BC. Strongest evidence the feline temple is legit is an inscription in Sanscrit "zp0x cpwq jziu" that roughly translated means "I Taud I Taw a Puddy Tat!"
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FREE SAMPLE EXCERPT from THE LAUGH MAKERS
"Catch a Falling Star: Perry Como Visits the Bob Hope Show" In 1978, Perry played a delightful "Luke Sleepwalker" in a parody of "Star Wars"
http://www.amazines.com/article_detail.cfm?articleid=1229440
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1-20
OLE!
RANCHO SANTA FE, CA (AP) - Gene Bell, founder of the Taco Bell Mexican restaurant chain, passed away at age 86. In honor of their colleague, competitors Run For the Border, La Salsa and El Torito gave him a 21-chimichonga salute.
STEROIDECTOMY
ST. LOUIS (AP) - Teammates of disgraced pitcher Mark Maguire, now a Cardinals pitching coach, admit that they suspected something was going on when he converted one of his old batting helmets into a Jacuzzi.
END IS NEAR
ROME (BBC) - The man who shot Pope Paul II in 1981 has been released from prison, telling reporters that he's a messenger from God and that Armageddon will occur this year. His release was delayed until authorities were sure he
wasn't mentally deranged.
DO DO THAT VOODOO
HOLLYWOOD (AP) - While Jay Leno issued a statement that he didn't think a 10 pm slot "was a good idea at the time," while Conan Obrien told his audience "There are rumors that I'm legally prohibited from saying anything negative about NBC.. so good night, ladies and gentlemen." Then he flew to Haiti to buy up their surplus dolls and pins.
RECOUNT!
HOLLYWOOD ( AP) - Neilsen reported that close to 17 million viewers watched the Golden Globe Awards on Sunday, two million more than last year. But that figure may not be accurate since they counted Pandorians.
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FREE SAMPLE EXCERPT from THE LAUGH MAKERS
Bob Hope in China: "Hey, Where's the Stretch Rickshaw?" Hope is stranded at the Peking airport when officials fail to show up.
http://www.amazines.com/article_detail.cfm?articleid=1341805
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1-19
MONEY IS MONEY
HOLLYWOOD (BBC) - "Avatar" director James Cameron tasted a double victory at Sunday night's Golden Globe Awards, copping statuettes for Best Picture and Best Director, besting his ex-wife Katherine Bigelow who was nominated for "The Hurt Locker." During a post awards interview, Cameron shocked reporters with the admission that he saved money on his stellar-budgeted extraterrestrial epic by renting used tanning beds as pods to turn the actors into Pandorites.
BLADE RUNNERS
CAPETOWN (BBC) - Authorities in South Africa have strongly condemned a London-based company which wants to sell stab-vests to visiting football fans watching the 2010 World Cup Finals with optional slogans such as "FREE HUGS" and "OLE!". The vests are designed to fit three "beer-belly types" commonly found among the suds-swilling lowlifes who will benefit from them.
NO THANKS
LONDON (BBC) - BBC Radio recently featured a show called "Barack's Babies," based on the worldwide popularity of parents naming their kids after U.S. presidents. In 1945, there was a spike in the name "Franklin" after F.D.R. and again in 1953 when "Dwight" became the rage. Strangely, though, when George W. Bush took office in 2000, not only did "George" dip in popularity, but worldwide birthrates plummeted.
COMMAND PERF
TOBAGO (BBC) - Controversy swirls around a scheduled appearance of pop diva Byonce over reports that she was paid $2 million to perform at a New Years Eve party on the exclusive island of St Barts hosted by Muammar Gaddafi's son Mutasim-Billah. Ironically, she took the gig after turning down a $3 million offer to perform at Amy Winehouse's Bat Mitzvah.
MUSLIMANIA
TEHERAN (BBC) - The "Islamic Solidarity Games" which were to be held in April have been canceled because of a dispute among participating countries over what to call the Persian Gulf on the game's logo and medals. The others were happy with Persian Gulf while Iran insisted it be called the "Gulf Where Allah Will Defeat the U.S. Imperialist Pigs."
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FREE SAMPLE EXCERPT from THE LAUGH MAKERS
"Bob Hope in China: Peking is a Long Way to Go For Sliced Tongue"
http://www.amazines.com/article_detail.cfm?articleid=1341836
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1-18
HELLO FADAH
VATICAN CITY (BBC) - In an attempt to cement the sometimes fractious relations between Catholicism and Judaism, Pope Benedict XVI made an historic visit to Rome's sole synagogue -- only the second visit by a pontiff since Pius XII, currently a shoo-in for sainthood -- despite evidence that he failed to publicly condemn the Holocaust . While there, Benedict engratiated himself by conducting a mass in Yiddish during which he changed bread and wine into lox and bagels. He had earlier delivered the homily of the errant son who never called his mother and became a podiatrist.
BIN FOOLED
SEVILLE (BBC) - Claiming it employs "cutting edge technology," the F.B.I. has confirmed that it used a 1998 photo of Gaspar Llamazares, former member of the Spanish Parliament, to produce a photo of how Osama bin Laden might look today at age 52. The digitally altered image which appeared on the Bureau's "Rewards For Justice" web site is widely believed to be the most damaging G-man scandal since J. Edgar Hoover was caught shop-lifting crotchless lace panties from Victoria's Secret.
UMMM, UMMM GOOD
DELRAN, N.J. (AP) - Donald E. Goerke, the Campbell Soup executive who came up with the idea of Spaghetti-Os, a spoonable version of spaghetti aimed at kids that became a hit with moms because of its convenience, has passed on at age 83. After a brief memorial service attended by several original "Campbell Kids," he was laid to rest in Forest Lawn's Eternal Valley of Pasta between the crypts of Chef Boy-Ar-Dee and the inventor of Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat.
THE HIGH ROAD
EDINBURGH (BBC) - According to a study conducted by Great Britain's National Health Service in response to excessive drinking in Scotland, Scottish adults over 18 drink the alcoholic equivalent of 46 bottles of vodka or 130 bottles of wine annually, 25% more than adults in England and Wales. Which came as somewhat of a shock to many Brits, most of whom never suspected Amy Winehouse of being Scottish.
FRESHLY SQUEEZED
MIAMI (AP) - State Fish & Game officials estimate that thousands of Burmese pythons are now living in the Everglades, having been released by exotic pet owners who were no longer willing to care for them. Animal rights activists are urging snake owners to consider foster homes for their unwanted pets and have set up a "reptile rescue" hotline that will link them to lawyers with whom the snakes seem to have a natural affinity.
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FREE SAMPLE EXCERPT from THE LAUGH MAKERS
Bob Hope & The TV Critics: Almost a Perfect Match. Almost.
http://www.amazines.com/article_detail.cfm/1341386?articleid=1341386
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1-14
LAUGHS From The PAST From our issue of February 2, 2000
NEW PLAYBOOK
After John McCain's stunning victory in New Hampshire, George W. Bush has changed his battle plan for the South Carolina primary just three weeks away.
GW has added extra stump speeches, increased his TV ad exposure and is memorizing the names of 20 more world leaders.
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