WEDNESDAY, April 25, 2012

EXTRA SECRET -- David Cheney, one of the Secret Service Agents fired in the Colombia hooker scandal, apologized to Sarah Palin after he posted a photo of  himself ogling the foxy candidate with the caption “I’m checking her out – if you know what I mean.”  Palin told reporters “I refuse to accept his ‘boys-will-be-boys’ excuse.”  Chaney was said to be furious, telling reporters “That’s the thanks I get. We were in the wilds of Alaska.  I was willing to take an antler for that woman!”

WARM SPIT -- Penned by the British script-writer who gained fame with the politically-satirical feature film “In the Loop,’ HBO has debuted “Veep” starring former “Seinfeld” stalwart Julia Louis-Dreyfus.  Julia does her frustrated best as a marginalized, completely ignored vice president whose boss she eagerly awaits just one call from but who considers her completely irrelevant.  Oops -- my mistake -- that’s Joe Biden.

TEN-HANGERS -- A new surfer’s guide known as the Riptionary Book lists various terms and expressions used by surfers worldwide that newcomers are advised to become familiar with before launching a board.  For instance, “ankle-biters” are small waves not suitable for riding, a “drop-in” is a surfer who poaches another surfer’s wave and “the man in the grey suit” is a shark.   "Stumpy” is your nickname after having lunch with the man in the grey suit.

MOUND MASTERY -- In the first complete nine-inning game Chicago White Sox right-hander Phil Humber ever pitched, he delivered a perfect game in his defeat of the Seattle Mariners 4-0, only the twentieth in regular season history.  As defined by the MLB official rule book, a “perfect game” is one in which, during the entire nine innings, a pitcher allows no hits, no walks, no opposing player reaches first base, and the guest rock star doesn’t screw up the National Anthem.

GIPPER-LESS -- Directed by crack animal docu-veterans Alister Fothergill and Mark Linfield, Disney’s new jungle pic “Chimpanzee” is packing in the Jane Goodall fans as Oscar the chimp survives a Bambi-like loss of his mom in the dense forests of Africa.  Disney execs are ecstatic.  This is by far the strongest opening for a chimp film that doesn’t have Ronald Reagan in it.

(Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills)

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Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.