MONDAY, April 30, 2012

BIBLE BELTED -- Dubbing the show “too homosexual and pornographic,” Christian fundamentalists protested outside the opening of Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way Ball” tour in Seoul, South Korea, to an “adults only” audience of 45,000 screaming fans.  The crowd got some satisfaction since the show got underway two hours late due to an administrative oversight – seems the Korean Ministry of Culture had issued a performance permit for only one of her Ga’s.

ON THE ROAD AGAIN? -- Unemployment in Spain has reached an all-time high with 5,639,500 people either looking for a job or abandoning hope of ever landing one.  No one, it seems, has escaped the devastating economic downturn.  Yesterday, someone spotted Julio Iglesias on a freeway off-ramp holding up a cardboard sign that said “Will cut another album with Willie Nelson for food.”

COCKPIT CHATTER -- In an effort to reduce the carnage on our highways, a new bill just passed by Congress will require American auto-makers to install a “black box” that will electronically record the car’s mechanical behavior, like the ones in airliners do.  It may be a little too similar.  Under the new law, drivers will have to undergo a predrive screening by the TSA before being allowed to board their cars.

CELL-A-THON -- In the ever-escalating war among cellular telephone manufacturers, Samsung Electronics has overtaken longtime world-sales champ Nokia to become the world's largest manufacturer of mobile phones.  Samsung gained the advantage according to industry analysts by targeting small market segments with specialized designs – like the ultra-light “Fling-Bling 220,” perfect for supermodels to throw at their maids.

FINGER LICKIN' -- A court in Sydney, Australia has levied one of the largest personal injury judgments against KFC Restaurants, awarding  plaintiff Monika Samaan $8,300,000 after she caught salmonella poisoning from a “Twister Wrap,” one of the most popular menu items that contained chicken that may have been dropped on the kitchen floor.  Well, it’s just as we’ve always suspected – the Colonel’s eight secret herbs and spices apparently don’t include an antibiotic.

Copyright (c) 2012 Robert L. Mills All Rights Reserved

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Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.