Metropolis, Illinois, recognized as the “official home of Superman,” has unveiled a statue of Lois Lane, the Man of Steel’s girlfriend. Thanks to the latest technology, visitors may rent special glasses that enable them to see Lois as Superman did -- with x-ray vision.
French President Nicolas Sarcozy, himself a diminutive 5’ ft. 4,“ has instructed his security detail to hire no bodyguards taller than that. So far, they’ve employed three sumo wrestlers, Mickey Rooney and Emmanuel Lewis.
Country music legend, Jimmy Dean who used royalties from his hit song “Big Bad John, to found a successful sausage company, passed on in Richmond, VA at age 81. His memorial service included touching eulogies by former competitors Oscar Meyer and Farmer John.
Japanese scientists have developed electronic software capable of projecting holograms of soccer games onto a screen in the opponent’s stadium. It’s so realistic, the holograms even include beer-swilling, tattooed hooligans killing one another in the stands.
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Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
In keeping with our tradition of dramatic entrances, at West Point, which we visited in the spring of 1981, we dressed Hope in the black cape and orange vest of the Academy's legendary "Airborne Man" and dropped him - with a little help from a stunt double - from a hovering Huey helicopter into a stadium packed to the bleachers with cheering plebes and their families.
“Thank you, cadets. You can relax. I have a directive from the Superintendent authorizing you to laugh until further notice.
Some of you are here because you're my fans, some are here because of our terrific guests and all of you are here because you couldn't get a three-day pass.”
He wasn't kidding. Unlike our civilian audiences, the military specials came with prepackaged, guaranteed attendance that was mandatory.
“I've never seen so much gold braid. This looks like a direct hit on Sammy Davis's jewelry case.
And what discipline. Yesterday, I saw a porcupine chewing out a raccoon for having his hands in his pouch.
One cadet commander yelled, "Suck in that stomach!" and three pine trees inhaled.
These military regulations are strictly enforced. As soon as taps sounded last night, all the lights went out, and the Hudson River stopped flowing.”
Hope was partial to jokes that involved animals, so we anthropomorphized whenever possible. Remember his kangaroo caddie in Australia? We wanted to give the plebes the opportunity to meet a real movie general, so we invited George C. Scott who had recently captured an Oscar nomination for his spellbinding performance as General George Patton, the Paderewski of the pearl-handled pistols. In real life, George was a certified pussycat, about as warlike as a battalion of Quakers. Despite his well-known objections to the war in Vietnam, he had become so identified with the gruff, private-slapping Patton, when he walked across the quadrangle, the cadets would salute him - in civilian clothes yet.
The Army had recently admitted its first female cadet; we had guest stars Brooke Shields and Marie Osmond in uniform faster than Shannon Faulkner would reject the Citadel's fourteen years later. The new arrivals discover that they've somehow been assigned quarters with a male.
(Hope enters in uniform and carrying a duffle bag.)
HOPE: Howdy, fellas.
MARIE: Fellas? Can't you see that we're girls?
HOPE: Yeah, but I wasn't gonna mention it if you didn't. My
name's Luke Festus, and it looks like we're roommates.
BROOKE: Are you sure you have the right room? There must be some mistake.
HOPE: I doubt it. The Army never makes mistakes.
BROOKE: I'm sorry, Luke, but this would never work. We could walk in on one another while showering.
HOPE: I guess that's just the chance I'll have to take.
MARIE: Be reasonable. You wouldn't want to have stockings
hanging all over the place to dry, would you?
HOPE: Hey, no problem. If it bothers you, I'll hang my stockings someplace else.
The fresh recruits settle in. Hope wants to change into his "jammies," but is embarrassed to disrobe in front of the girls. They offer to hold up a blanket, shielding him. With Brooke and Marie at either end of the extended blanket, he drapes articles of clothing on it. First a girdle, then a garter belt, then a pair of Madras Jockey shorts.
BROOKE: Should we look?
MARIE: Nah. It's too close to lunch.
This line gets the biggest laugh in the show, and Hope could be heard mumbling to Marie, "How did you get that line?" He didn't mind guests getting laughs but preferred being visible when they did. As it turns out, Luke works on a nearby farm and has been trying to sneak into the Point for years. The cadet commander (Glen Campbell) hustles the intruder off, but not before making sure the two newcomers know where his quarters are. Coed dorms had provided us fertile diggings for years, and this sketch was no exception.
Tomorrow: Hope Jousts with Howard Cosell
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