MONDAY, April 16, 2012

Tour organizers are planning to recreate the doomed maiden voyage of the Titanic as accurately as possible during the upcoming Titanic Memorial Cruise setting sail from South Hampton, England on May 12.  The first class menu will be exactly as it was 100 years ago as well as the music playing on the Promenade Deck.  To simulate the final moments before disaster struck, the captain will run the ship into Whoopie Goldberg.

Sightings of wild crocodiles in the Florida Keys have more than doubled over the past five years, according to the number of calls made to 911.  While the amphibians pose a danger to humans only when provoked, Florida Fish & Game officials are concerned for the safety of the local population of retirees as the crocks seek to avenge the deaths of their ancestors through DNA samples taken from the shoes and belts of their attackers.

Shortly after Tim Tebow’s trade to the New York Jets, the venerable Carnegie Deli has honored him with his own sandwich –  hot Italian sausage with jalapeno peppers and Texas chili sauce on a garlic bagel.  Why Tim Tebow?  When he first invented it, the owner noticed that after about two bites, customers were dropping to one knee and invoking the name of their creator.

Apple executives are denying reports being investigated by 60 Minutes that Chinese university students have been working in I-Pad assembly plants for nothing in the hope they might be hired by the firm upon graduation.  However none of the co-eds were available for an interview with Scott Pelley since they’re all on Spring Break in Kowloon.

The latest satellite technology allows scientists to accurately count animal populations from space.  Zoologists were recently astounded to discover that there are twice as many emperor penguins in the Arctic than previously believed.  Seems that in the past, using less accurate satellites, the scientists were failing to count penguins the cameras had erroneously identified as nuns or members of wedding parties.

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Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.