MONDAY, April 23, 2012

HEARTFELT -- A new study on heart health shows that an upbeat, cheerful and optimistic attitude goes a long way to reduce the risk of sudden heart attacks and strokes by lowering blood pressure and reducing the accumulation of harmful plaque in the arteries.  No surprise to Dick Cheney’s crack team of cardiologists who prescribed weekly flights to Guantanamo to watch a terrorist being water-boarded.  
TAXI! -- As Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was being driven in a convertible through the southern coastal city of Bandar-Abbas, a woman leaped from the crowd, jumped past his bodyguards to the roof of the car and screamed at him  through the sunroof.  Turns out she wasn’t protesting his human rights violations or his torture of dissidents, but she designed his jacket and now wants him to remove her label.

GOT MILK? -- Executives at Kraft Foods, makers of the popular Chocolate Oreo Cookie, are denying allegations that they produced a TV commercial now airing in South Korea showing a breast-feeding baby holding up an Oreo with the tag line “Milk’s Favorite Cookie.”  Actually a perfect tie-in since the inspiration for the Oreo was the human bosom – two delicious halves with a creamy vanilla center.

NUN STUNNER -- Pope Benedict XVI accused U.S. Catholic nuns of “challenging fundamental beliefs of the Church” by promoting radical feminist themes on women’s right to be ordained as priests and same sex marriage which disagrees with positions of US bishops.  Whatever the breakdown in the chain-of-command, one thing is abundantly clear – Pope Ben has never been slapped across the knuckles by Sister Mary Hematoma.

CARTER'S LIVER PILL -- Rick Ross, the Disney film boss responsible for producing the studio’s biggest floperoo “John Carter,” a celluloid embarrassment set to lose the Mouse Factory at least $200 million, was unceremoniously sacked this week.  In true Rodent Works fashion, the entire cast of “Fantasia” sang him the Mickey Mouse Club theme:    “R-I-C… See you around Rick… WHERE YOU’LL SOON BE…  THE UN-EM-PLOY-MENT-LINE. ”

(Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved)

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Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.