TUESDAY, May 1, 2012

MISSILE MANIA -- After careful study of satellite photos, German ballistic missile experts Markus Schiller and Robert Schmucker have published findings that the mobile weapons proudly shown by the North Korean government during a parade in Pyongyang last month are probably enlarged plastic models.  Their suspicions were aroused by several obviously loose bolts, a flimsy-looking warhead, and a sign “For ages 8 and Up” stenciled on the side of one of them.   

LOVIN' IT --  The Brazilian Congress has launched a full-scale investigation into allegations that the McDonald's Corporation has been paying employees at its restaurants in Sao Paulo and Rio less than the minimum wage required by law.  According to an attorney representing the company, the salaries paid to counter and kitchen personnel are fairly and legally computed after taking into account  the standard 80 centavo per hour uniform charge for their paper hats. 

                                           

ROACH RAGE -- The Dutch Cannabis Retailers Association is appealing a Hague District Court ruling that would ban foreign tourists from entering the Netherland’s 700 “coffee shops” that supply Dutch citizens with legal marijuana.  The law is aimed at curbing abuses by French, British and Italian tourists and Americans Bill Maher, Willie Nelson and Woody Harrelson.

                                                                                                              

GRIDLOCKED -- New cutting-edge computer technology is being credited for allowing the L.A. Police Department to predict crimes before they occur.  The way the software works is high-crime areas are identified by type of crime and then a mile-wide circle is drawn around it.  For instance, a high drug-dealing area would be within the mile-wide circle drawn around Charlie Sheen.

ANIMAL MAGNETISM --  Researchers from the Baylor College of Medicine have discovered fifty-three cells in the brains of pigeons that appear to respond to changes in the earth’s magnetic field, giving the birds instructions on the direction they’re heading and their approximate distance from the ground.  The similarity to a built-in GPS device is even more striking.  When the magnetic field is changed, the birds hear a tiny voice that says “Recalculating.” 


Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

MONDAY, April 30, 2012

BIBLE BELTED -- Dubbing the show “too homosexual and pornographic,” Christian fundamentalists protested outside the opening of Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way Ball” tour in Seoul, South Korea, to an “adults only” audience of 45,000 screaming fans.  The crowd got some satisfaction since the show got underway two hours late due to an administrative oversight – seems the Korean Ministry of Culture had issued a performance permit for only one of her Ga’s.

ON THE ROAD AGAIN? -- Unemployment in Spain has reached an all-time high with 5,639,500 people either looking for a job or abandoning hope of ever landing one.  No one, it seems, has escaped the devastating economic downturn.  Yesterday, someone spotted Julio Iglesias on a freeway off-ramp holding up a cardboard sign that said “Will cut another album with Willie Nelson for food.”

COCKPIT CHATTER -- In an effort to reduce the carnage on our highways, a new bill just passed by Congress will require American auto-makers to install a “black box” that will electronically record the car’s mechanical behavior, like the ones in airliners do.  It may be a little too similar.  Under the new law, drivers will have to undergo a predrive screening by the TSA before being allowed to board their cars.

CELL-A-THON -- In the ever-escalating war among cellular telephone manufacturers, Samsung Electronics has overtaken longtime world-sales champ Nokia to become the world's largest manufacturer of mobile phones.  Samsung gained the advantage according to industry analysts by targeting small market segments with specialized designs – like the ultra-light “Fling-Bling 220,” perfect for supermodels to throw at their maids.

FINGER LICKIN' -- A court in Sydney, Australia has levied one of the largest personal injury judgments against KFC Restaurants, awarding  plaintiff Monika Samaan $8,300,000 after she caught salmonella poisoning from a “Twister Wrap,” one of the most popular menu items that contained chicken that may have been dropped on the kitchen floor.  Well, it’s just as we’ve always suspected – the Colonel’s eight secret herbs and spices apparently don’t include an antibiotic.

Copyright (c) 2012 Robert L. Mills All Rights Reserved

FRI, SAT, SUN., April 26, 27, 28, 2012

BAUBLE BILL -- In what’s widely believed a last-ditch attempt to salvage what’s left of Lindsay Lohan’s acting career, the embattled actress has been signed by the Lifetime Channel to play the late Elizabeth Taylor in a biopic to be titled “Liz and Dick.”  The film will focus on Taylor’s snatching Eddie Fisher from Debbie Reynolds and then dumping him to marry her “Cleopatra” co-star Richard Burton – twice.  But already production expenses are mounting.   For instance, Van Cleef and Arpels have been hired to design and manufacture a $250,000 platinum and diamond L.A. Sheriff’s ankle bracelet for Dick to give Liz in the film. 

CHEERS! -- A court in Egypt has upheld the three-month prison sentence given to the leading Egyptian comic actor, Adel Imam, for blasphemy.   Along with his films and plays that satirize Islam, religious leaders found a particular joke he told offensive.  According to a court reporter who chose to remain anonymous, the joke went like this:  A suicide bomber goes into a bar and orders a vodka martini to settle his nerves.  The bartender pours his drink  and says, “Anything else?”  And the guy says, “Yeah, if seventy-two virgins call, I’m not here.”

ACCOUNT CLOSED -- According to several reliable news sources, Newt Gingrich will withdraw from the GOP presidential race next week.  Even though he’s spent all winter campaigning and snagged a few electoral votes, Newt still just doesn’t seem to get it.  He’s going to make the announcement on the front steps of Tiffany. 

 

TORCH SONG -- For the first time in the history of the Olympic Games, a member of the British Royal Family will be a torch-bearer at the opening ceremonies in London on July 27.   Well, strictly speaking, Prince Harry won’t really be holding a torch.   In deference to his royal lineage, officials are waiving the rules dating back to Greek antiquity and will allow him to light his breath.  

BRIDE BALKS -- In Rajasthan state, India Laxmi Sargara, 18, has become one of the first child brides to challenge that nation’s ancient custom of arranged marriage -- and win.  She wed Rakesh (he uses one name) in 1995 when she was one and he was three.  Laxmi decided to balk when her dad-in-law showed up last month to take her away.  Good lesson here for westerners.  No matter the culture, those May-December marriages never seem to work out, although seventeen years is nothing to snicker at.  

SHOW TIME -- Now booking shows for the summer and fall.  This show is the perfect comic relief for conventions, corporate meetings and workshops.  Host Bob Mills recalls stories, anecdotes and adventures from his two decades traveling the world with Bob Hope -- to China, Australia, Tahiti, London, Stockholm and trips to entertain the military, all illustrated with video clips from Hope specials co-starring Liz Taylor, Dick Burton, Lucy, Milton Berle, George Burns, Angie Dickinson, Ann Jillian, Donny & Marie, Glen Campbell, Mickey Rooney, Red Skelton, Danny Kaye, Ronald Reagan and a host of others.  For rates and conditions write to:  TheLaughMakers@GMail.com

(Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved)

THURSDAY, April 26, 2012

PROTECTION RACKET -- A group of women stripped to their bras and marched on the main police station in Kampala, capital of Uganda to protest police misconduct in grabbing the breast of an anti-government activist, during a protest rally last week.  One protester carried a sign saying “How would you like it if we squeezed your balls?”  Must have sunk in.  Several hours later, the chief of police was spotted at the local Big-5 buying a gross of MLB-approved batter’s cups.

CELL BOUND? -- The trial of former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards, charged with channeling $1 million in campaign funds to conceal the existence of his mistress, Rielle Hunter, during his campaign, has gotten underway in Greensboro, North Carolina.  If convicted, Edwards faces up to 30 years in prison and $1.5 million in fines.  His chances of beating the rap look a little iffy, though.  His list of potential character witnesses includes former governors Elliott Spitzer and Rod Blagoivich. 

AD SPACE -- New Hampshire-born free climber, alpinist and BASE jumper Dean Potter, successfully crossed the 6,000-foot Enshi Grand Canyon in China's Hubei Province using a more dangerous slack line instead of a high-wire.  All expenses of the risky stunt were picked up by Dean’s American sponsor in exchange for his use of a balance pole shaped like a giant chopstick with "P.F. CHANG" printed on it.   

ANDY GUMPED -- Thirty-five public service organizations in India have joined together to demand that women be given the right to urinate in public facilities for free as Indian men do now.  Dubbed the “Right to Pee” campaign, the group is also demanding vending machines for sanitary napkins like mens’ condom dispensers.  Their aim is to elevate sanitation conditions in Mumbai at least to the level of the New York Subway System. 

OWL-UNDER-GLASS -- In May, George Clooney will host a fund-raising dinner for Barack Obama at his home in Los Angeles, charging $40,000 per couple to attend.  Not to be outdone, Ted Nugent will host a fund-raiser for Mitt Romney, will charge $50,000 a couple, and serve endangered species.

(Copyright (c) 2012 Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved)

WEDNESDAY, April 25, 2012

EXTRA SECRET -- David Cheney, one of the Secret Service Agents fired in the Colombia hooker scandal, apologized to Sarah Palin after he posted a photo of  himself ogling the foxy candidate with the caption “I’m checking her out – if you know what I mean.”  Palin told reporters “I refuse to accept his ‘boys-will-be-boys’ excuse.”  Chaney was said to be furious, telling reporters “That’s the thanks I get. We were in the wilds of Alaska.  I was willing to take an antler for that woman!”

WARM SPIT -- Penned by the British script-writer who gained fame with the politically-satirical feature film “In the Loop,’ HBO has debuted “Veep” starring former “Seinfeld” stalwart Julia Louis-Dreyfus.  Julia does her frustrated best as a marginalized, completely ignored vice president whose boss she eagerly awaits just one call from but who considers her completely irrelevant.  Oops -- my mistake -- that’s Joe Biden.

TEN-HANGERS -- A new surfer’s guide known as the Riptionary Book lists various terms and expressions used by surfers worldwide that newcomers are advised to become familiar with before launching a board.  For instance, “ankle-biters” are small waves not suitable for riding, a “drop-in” is a surfer who poaches another surfer’s wave and “the man in the grey suit” is a shark.   "Stumpy” is your nickname after having lunch with the man in the grey suit.

MOUND MASTERY -- In the first complete nine-inning game Chicago White Sox right-hander Phil Humber ever pitched, he delivered a perfect game in his defeat of the Seattle Mariners 4-0, only the twentieth in regular season history.  As defined by the MLB official rule book, a “perfect game” is one in which, during the entire nine innings, a pitcher allows no hits, no walks, no opposing player reaches first base, and the guest rock star doesn’t screw up the National Anthem.

GIPPER-LESS -- Directed by crack animal docu-veterans Alister Fothergill and Mark Linfield, Disney’s new jungle pic “Chimpanzee” is packing in the Jane Goodall fans as Oscar the chimp survives a Bambi-like loss of his mom in the dense forests of Africa.  Disney execs are ecstatic.  This is by far the strongest opening for a chimp film that doesn’t have Ronald Reagan in it.

(Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills)

TUESDAY, April 24, 2012

BARE MINIMUM -- Irate after being caught smoking in a non-smoking section of the Denver Airport, a woman waiting to board a flight took off her clothes, piled them at her feet, and presented herself buck naked to startled security personnel for pre-flight screening.  But before she was led off to the loony bin, since she was already prepped, the x-ray operator gave her a free mammogram.

TAIL GUNNER JOE -- Air Force Two, the Boeing 757 carrying Vice President Joe Biden to an appearance in Santa Barbara, California, flew into a flock of starlings and had to make an emergency landing.   Immediately, he was reported to have told his secret Service agents, “Relax, boys, we’re not landing in Colombia.”

MISS PIGGY'S DELIGHT -- In the ever-escalating war of the fast-food emporiums to lure the marginally obese away from the competition, Burger King has announced a new menu item – a sundae made with caramel, chocolate, soft serve ice cream and bacon strips.  Not to worry, though, if you’re concerned about packing on the calories. They also offer the “Girth-Conscious Special” -- the same sundae made with turkey bacon strips.

VICTORIAN GILT -- Rarely seen documents chronicling the life and reign of Queen Victoria have been put on public view on a new website marking Queen Elizabeth’s Diamond Jubilee.  Included in the archives are letters, paintings and several rare photographs -- one showing the Queen having her portrait painted for a stamp and another showing her swimming laps in the moat. 

FLEET STREET CRIME -- Officers at Scotland Yard are appealing to the public for witnesses to a mugging that took place in Hammersmith, west London.  The victim, George Fergusson, who sustained facial injuries and had his wallet snatched, is a British diplomat scheduled to be sent to Bermuda.   Attending physicians said the lacerations on the victim’s upper lip would have been much worse had it not been so naturally stiff to begin with.

(Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills All Rights Reserved)

MONDAY, April 23, 2012

HEARTFELT -- A new study on heart health shows that an upbeat, cheerful and optimistic attitude goes a long way to reduce the risk of sudden heart attacks and strokes by lowering blood pressure and reducing the accumulation of harmful plaque in the arteries.  No surprise to Dick Cheney’s crack team of cardiologists who prescribed weekly flights to Guantanamo to watch a terrorist being water-boarded.  

  

TAXI! -- As Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was being driven in a convertible through the southern coastal city of Bandar-Abbas, a woman leaped from the crowd, jumped past his bodyguards to the roof of the car and screamed at him  through the sunroof.  Turns out she wasn’t protesting his human rights violations or his torture of dissidents, but she designed his jacket and now wants him to remove her label.

GOT MILK? -- Executives at Kraft Foods, makers of the popular Chocolate Oreo Cookie, are denying allegations that they produced a TV commercial now airing in South Korea showing a breast-feeding baby holding up an Oreo with the tag line “Milk’s Favorite Cookie.”  Actually a perfect tie-in since the inspiration for the Oreo was the human bosom – two delicious halves with a creamy vanilla center.

NUN STUNNER -- Pope Benedict XVI accused U.S. Catholic nuns of “challenging fundamental beliefs of the Church” by promoting radical feminist themes on women’s right to be ordained as priests and same sex marriage which disagrees with positions of US bishops.  Whatever the breakdown in the chain-of-command, one thing is abundantly clear – Pope Ben has never been slapped across the knuckles by Sister Mary Hematoma.

CARTER'S LIVER PILL -- Rick Ross, the Disney film boss responsible for producing the studio’s biggest floperoo “John Carter,” a celluloid embarrassment set to lose the Mouse Factory at least $200 million, was unceremoniously sacked this week.  In true Rodent Works fashion, the entire cast of “Fantasia” sang him the Mickey Mouse Club theme:    “R-I-C… See you around Rick… WHERE YOU’LL SOON BE…  THE UN-EM-PLOY-MENT-LINE. ”
 

(Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved)

FRI,SAT,SUN, April 20, 21, 22, 2012

Police in Milledge, Georgia surrounded and stormed a kindergarten classroom at a local preschool where 6-year old Salecia Johnson was handcuffed and taken into custody.  She’s been charged with illegal possession of ten pounds of raw, uncut pabulum estimated to have a Sesame Street value of 5000 McDonalds Happy Meal coupons.

Researchers at the Harvard School of Public Health studied 200 subjects and concluded that optimistic, happy people have a lower risk of heart attack or stroke with less hypertension and cholesterol buildup.  Never known to pass up a medical marketing opportunity, Johnson & Johnson has designed an emergency defibrillator that gives the user a choice between high-voltage paddles or several classic Laurel & Hardy films.

Welch bank teller Chris Birch, 27, claims that a tumbling accident which briefly interrupted the supply of oxygen to his brain turned him suddenly gay, changing his appearance and sexual orientation almost overnight.  He told doctors that he suspected something had gone awry when, upon returning home from the hospital, he began replacing his Nine Inch Nails and and Dead Kennedys cassette tapes with Bette Midler albums and Broadway show tune CDs.

Forty-nine year old Colorado Rockies pitcher Jamie Moyer became the oldest pitcher in the history of baseball to win a game when he posted a 5-3 win over the San Diego Padres.  Actually, according to several leading MLB statisticians, it qualifies as a perfect game for someone born almost half a century ago – no bathroom breaks. 

Former “American Bandstand” host and “New Year’s Rockin’Eve” ball-drop host Dick Clark has passed on at age 82.  In recognition of the trail forged by Dick and Ed McMahon with their ground-breaking show “Star-Search,” producers of the multi-million dollar “rags-to-riches” amateur showcase “American Idol” paused their auditions for one minute of silence. 

THURSDAY, April 19, 2012

After ordering his martinis “shaken, not stirred” in scores of films, James Bond will switch to Heinekens beer in his next covert adventure, “Sky Fall.”  It’s part of the producer’s attempt to provide a positive role model for the unemployed who might be intimidated by Mr. Bond’s former taste for all things expensive.  Watch for other signs of cut-backs like his Aston-Martin that’s become a Kia…  Miss Moneypenny’s replacement, Miss Pennysaver…  and even James’s new name, Agent 006 7/8.

Lubbock, Texas vice squad officers closed down an imaginative entrepreneur who hired former strip club employees to staff her nude house maid service.  According to initial reviews, the service was an immediate success with many customers  surprised at how efficient the maids are.  One of them told the cops, “You have no idea how clean a kitchen can be until someone does a lap dance in your sink.”

According to a survey commissioned by the AMA, about one out of six practicing surgeons also qualifies as a practicing alcoholic.  Luckily, the tipsy doc is pretty easy to spot at AA meetings.  Despite the anonymity, he’s usually the one who never brings food but thinks that donating a pile of magazines from 1987 for the members to read during breaks is doing his part.

The concept of the chain supermarket, first developed in the mid-1920’s by U.S. retailer Safeway, finally reached China and has become extremely successful there.  For the first time ever, more pre-packaged groceries were sold there last month than in New York, Chicago and Los Angeles combined.  They have a much larger population than the U.S., of course.  For instance, in their markets, the “Express Lane” is 6840 items or fewer.

Remember the cruise ship Costa Concordia that ran aground off the island of Giglio in Italy?  Well, plans are underway to re float the luxury liner at a cost of $300 million, half the cost of building the 3,000 passenger ship in the first place.  It’s being heralded as the largest and most complex salvage operation since the U.S. Coast Guard re floated Kirstie Alley after she became lodged under the Santa Monica Pier while body-surfing.

(Copyright (c) 2012 Robert L. Mills)

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WEDNESDAY, April 18, 2012

President Barack Obama told reporters traveling with him to the Latin America Summit that he’ll be “very angry” if  those eleven Secret Service Agents sent home for cavorting with Colombian hookers are ultimately found guilty.  The scandal runs much deeper that what’s been reported.  You know those ear buds we thought they used to communicate with one another?  Forget about it.  Actually, they’re connected to “field agents” with 900 numbers and names like Bambi, Jasmine and Snookums.

Democratic political pundit Hillary Rosen caught all kinds of flack when she accused Ann Romney of having no credentials to comment on the concerns of the American working woman since she’s “never worked a day in her life.”  Actually Ann is hard-working wife in true Mormon pioneer tradition.  Neighbors claim they often spot her gathering twigs to prepare the evening meal or beating the family’s clothes on rocks in the river they own. 

Four-year old Heidi Hankins, daughter of a professor at the University of Southampton, has been admitted to the exclusive ranks of M.E.N.S.A. with an IQ of 159 – just one point below Albert Einstein’s.  Heidi’s parents first suspected they had produced a phenomenon when they noticed that she was using the letters in her alphabet soup to spell out passages from Harry Potter novels.

The competition among the national breakfast chains is heating up as summer approaches as evidenced by the latest gourmet breakfast item on the menu at the International House of Pancakes --  “Signature Pancakes,” described as “Chocolatey Red Velvet Flapjacks drizzled with Cream Cheese Icing.”  They’re called signature pancakes because you’re required to sign a release of liability before your order will be sent to the kitchen.

An ancient tombstone recently found in Rome indicates that Roman parents were much like today’s soccer moms, driving their kids to excel in sports and other adult activities.  According to information on his gravestone, Quintus Sulpicius Maximus died at age eleven shortly after doing well in an adult poetry contest.  Parents of the era even formed “Little Lions and Christians Leagues” and cheered on their kids as they battled tabby cats and members of the Vienna Boys Choir. 

(Copyright (c) 2012 Robert L. Mills)