WEDNESDAY, May 9, 2012

WIDE LOAD -- Political strategist and weight-loss blogger Kenlie Tiggeman filed a lawsuit against Southwest Airlines after a ticket agent for the carrier told her she was “too fat to fly.” But she’s not seeking damages – instead she’s demanding  a clarification of Southwest’s “Customers of Size” policy which requires a passenger who can’t fit into a 17-inch wide seat to purchase two tickets.  Actually, it wasn’t the airline’s demand that she pay twice that really ticked her off –- it was the clerk’s suggestion that to facilitate future boardings, she have a 17-inch ruler tattooed on her tailgate. 

PULL MY FINGER -- Paleontologists from John Moore’s University, the University of London and the University of Glasgow claim to have uncovered evidence that dinosaurs living during the Mesozoic Era had micro-organisms living in their intestines that produced 520 million tons of methane gas annually resulting in flatulence that nudged the earth’s temperature up to eighteen degrees warmer on average than it is today.  In fact, they believe that myths based on fire-breathing dragons were probably based on sightings of dinosaurs lighting their – well, you get the idea.

ENHANCED INTERROGATION -- A sixty-four year old woman living in a Tokyo apartment had her lost parakeet returned to her by police after the bird told them her address which the woman had taught the bird shortly after purchasing it two years ago.  The woman had lost her previous parakeet and didn’t want to lose another one.  The bird performed beautifully but may have gone further than the woman intended.  Narcotics officers are now interrogating her on the subject of the bird’s familiarity with terms like “dooby,” “stash,” “roach,” “toke” and “munchies.”

FASTER, TONTO! -- Professional Colombian hookstress Dania Suarez admits now that she approached Secret Service agent Arthur Huntington on that infamous night in Cartagena, “because he was the handsomest one,” and that, had she been a foreign spy, she would have had access to all of his files and computer data that were on full display in his hotel suite.  She told a radio call-in show host that had she known he was a Secret Service agent, she wouldn’t have called the cops when he shortchanged her.  Looking back on the evening, she now admits that she should have suspected something when she noticed he was wearing a bullet-proof black mask while they were playing “The Lone Ranger and Pocahontas at the Alamo.”  

COO-COO -- Last May, scientists from the British Trust for Ornithology tagged six coocoos on their annual migration in an attempt to determine why their population has declined by half over the past two decades.   So far, two of the birds have returned to the UK, after completing a 10,000 mile round trip to Africa.   The decline is believed due to extreme weather conditions, loss to natural predators and impossible-to-turn-down jobs doing voice overs for Swiss clock-makers.

Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

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