THURSDAY, May 31, 2012

AIR RAID SHELTER -- According to a new report from the Centers for Disease Control, burgers, fries and sodas have tripled in size, on average, since the 1950s.  Hamburgers grew from 3.9 ounces to 12 ounces, fries from 2.4 ounces to 6.7 ounces and sodas from 7 to 42 ounces.  And the startling increases have drastically altered human behavior, too.  For instance, in 1950 kids were told to “Duck and Cover” during a nuclear attack.  Today, they’re told to dive under their lunch.      

SOUP’S ON -- The largest law firm ever to declare bankruptcy has filed for Chapter 11 protection after attempts to merge with another firm failed.  Dewey & Leboeuf was formed in 2007 with the merger of Dewey, Balantine, LeBoeuf, Lamb, Green and MacRae giving it a total of 1,300 lawyers in twelve countries.  Reasons for the gigantic failure include the worldwide depression, unconscionable salaries and continued illegal harvesting by the Japanese for their fins which they consider an aphrodisiac.   


LADY SINGS THE BLUES -- Following violent protests by hard line Islamic groups carrying signs with messages like “Reject the Devil, Lady Gaga,” the embattled pop star cancelled her planned performance in Jakarta later this week.  When questioned by reporters immediately dispatched to cover the story, a spokesman for the government expressed concern over security issues.  “We feel we could provide complete safety for one of her ‘Ga’s,’ but we’re just not equipped to protect both of them.” 

DON’T BE A LITTERBUG -- NASA issued a series of behavioral guidelines to members of the 26 teams vying for $30 million to become the first non-government space explorers to land on the moon.  Sponsored by the X-Prize Foundation, top money will go to the team that lands successfully, travel at least one-third of a mile on the lunar surface and transmits clear video back to earth.   A $1 million bonus will be paid by Star Trek Space Mavens, Inc. to the team that first plants a flag with a portrait of William Shatner painted on it.  

A LITTLE BIT COUNTRY -- ABC’s reality series “The Bachelorette” has spawned a spin off called “The Mormon Bachelor.com” in which 26-year old Kent Tuttle, a dental student at Midwestern University will date 25 Mormon women to find his ideal mate.  It won’t be a piece of cake, either.  Mormon dates can be a real challenge.  Couples must try to get acquainted with no coffee, no booze, and no premarital sex.  If it weren’t for Donny & Marie albums, they’d have nothing to do at all.

Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

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