MONDAY, May 28, 2012

               NOT SO GRAND OPRAH

"I'm in the climb of my life," Oprah tells advertisers.
THE COLOR RED -- After launching in 2008 amid much hoopla and ballyhoo, the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) has been sinking faster than the Costa Concordia.  The fledgling network is reported to be $330 million in debt and in danger of going belly-up.  In fact, Oprah’s so strapped for cash, she and Stedman may audition to get on “Dancing With the Stars.”

$PON$OR$ -- Under the terms of a long-term deal signed last year with CBS and NBC, the standard rate now charged advertisers for commercial placement during NFL games is $1 million per minute, $500,000 for 30 seconds and $250,000 for fifteen seconds.  Advertisers saddled with a tight budget can buy space on the coin used during the coin-toss for $100,000 a side.


ALOHA OI VEY -- Arizona’s tough-as-nails illegal alien hunter Sheriff Joe Arpaio actually sent several of his deputies to Honolulu at state expense to look for a fake Barack Obama birth certificate.  They failed to dig up any dirt on the president, but they did find evidence that Arpaio may be the illegitimate son of Don Ho and Charo.

SOUR GRAPE JUICE -- The first privately manufactured space capsule Dragon has docked at the International Space Station with six tons of supplies.  Former NASA astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin testified before Congress condemning the civilian space program as "unsafe."  But remember these guys are a little old-fashioned -- they used to celebrate successful missions by dousing the head of Houston Control with buckets of Tang.


NO TICKEE, NO KIDDIE -- With unemployment at 21%, hospitals in Greece are strictly enforcing health care rules that require a person have a job or be receiving unemployment to qualify.   One unemployed mother claims her doctor refused to hand over her baby after learning she couldn’t pay for her $1500 Cesarean section.   In defense of the hospital, though, they did offer the kid to Angelina Jolie for adoption.

Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills   All Rights Reserved

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Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.