FRI, SAT, SUN, May 4, 5, 6, 2012

FRI, SAT, SUN, May 4, 5, 6, 2012

"Let's see...  Snookie enters and says to The Situation --"
SIMIAN SCRABBLE -- A study conducted by French researchers at the Aix-Marseille University shows that baboons are capable of experiencing the first step in reading and can identify actual words – not their meaning but they can distinguish them from gibberish.  It’s believed that the findings could determine the best methods to teach children with dyslexia.  The study was commissioned and funded by the producers of “Jersey Shore” in hopes that the results might benefit their cast members with script retention.

ANATOMICALLY CORRECT -- In the Queen’s Gallery at Buckingham Palace, the largest exhibition of Leonardo da Vinci's drawings of the human body went on display this week and modern anatomists are astounded at how accurate Leonardo’s drawings are when compared to modern computer-generated diagrams.  So accurate, in fact, one of the scientists noticed that he even included the number and expiration date of his patient’s Master Charge card.  


"Hmm... I wonder if they can see my crossed fingers..."
THERE SHE GOES -- The largest and most popular beauty competition in the Far East, Taiwan’s “Miss Globalcity Pageant,” has instituted a new requirement that all contestants sign a “non-infidelity” pledge forbidding them from becoming a mistress for one year.  According to an event spokesperson, the pledge is in response to recent scandalous celebrity love affairs and is an attempt to “preserve families.”  Which pretty much blows Miss Cambodia out of the running.  During the talent portion, she was planning to do her impression of the Duchess of Windsor.


ROCKET TO ME -- Amid much nail-biting in Beijing, India is emerging as a major world power, having successfully test-launched the Agni-V, a three-stage missile capable of delivering a nuclear warhead as far as the Chinese capital.  But government officials insist  that the rocket will be used for strictly peaceful purposes.  Actually, New Delhi  intends to use it to spread a lot more than peace – next month, they plan to launch it over Shanghai where it will release three million copies of the Kama Sutra. 

GILDED CAGE -- Burger King has announced proudly that from now on, they’ll buy only cage free chickens.  However, consumers are being  cautioned by the Food and Drug Administration not to confuse “cage free” with “free range” when applied to chickens.  Under federal guidelines, free range chickens must be given full and complete access to the farmer’s entire acreage, including vegetable garden, corn and wheat fields, barns, sheds and the porch of his house.  Cage free chickens means they don’t spend their lives with their head sticking through a hole in a board and get to go into the exercise yard, usually on the day they’re executed.   

SHOW TIME -- Now booking shows for the summer and fall.  This show is the perfect comic relief for conventions, corporate meetings and workshops.  Host Bob Mills recalls stories, anecdotes and adventures from his two decades traveling the world with Bob Hope -- to China, Australia, Tahiti, London, Stockholm and trips to entertain the military, all illustrated with video clips from Hope specials co-starring Liz Taylor, Dick Burton, Lucy, Milton Berle, George Burns, Angie Dickinson, Ann Jillian, Donny & Marie, Glen Campbell, Mickey Rooney, Red Skelton, Danny Kaye, Ronald Reagan and a host of others.  For rates and conditions write to:  TheLaughMakers@GMail.com

(Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved)

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Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.