FRI, SAT, SUN, August 5 ,6 ,7 2011

Old time politicians are comparing New Jersey's 250-pound governor Chris Christie to Grover Cleveland, the porkiest president in U.S. history.  Christie is so fat, when he flies he has to buy two seats and pay for the extra power it takes the TSA x-ray machine to see through him.

Police were summoned to Wall Street when three performance artists removed their clothes to protest the behavior of stock manipulators.  Nonetheless, before the cops showed up one of the brokers somehow managed to pick the pocket of one of them.

After serving a two year sentence for brandishing a firearm in a nightclub and shooting himself in the leg, NFL wide receiver Plaxico Burress has signed with the New York Jets.  His first day back, one of the wiseacre trainers pulled a practical joke on him and sewed his prison number across the back of his jersey.

Chinese physicists have completed a study that concluded that time travel, either into the past or the future, is impossible.   The findings were based on formulas confirming the speed of light, principals derived from the laws of quantum physics and the ancient Chinese admonition "No tickee, no laundry!"

President Obama may order a stop to the recall of 36 million pounds of ground turkey found to contain salmonella.  Makes sense. He's been advised that the expense of slaughtering this year's White House Thanksgiving turkey could be avoided by simply allowing the disease to run its course.

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Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.