11-6 to 11-11, 2012 (Vacation Schedule)

MON DEU! -- France celebrates five years of its controversial ban on smoking in restaurants, hotels, casinos, cafes and brasseries. Doctors concluded that tobacco use accounted for 61,000 French deaths a year -- a health threat rivaled only by excessive viewing of Jerry Lewis movies.
 

COUNTDOWN -- At 85, Queen Elizabeth II is Britain’s oldest-ever monarch, eclipsing the record previously held by Queen Victoria.  Shes' the longest reigning queen in history -- unless, of course, you count Elton John.
 

UNDER THE COUCH CUSHION -- When Robert Adler, the inventor of the TV remote control, died in 2007 at age 93, his funeral had to be postponed for six weeks.  No one could find him.
 

VICTORIA’S SECRET -- Declassified FBI documents reveal a plan by J. Edgar Hoover to arrest 12,000 Americans suspected of disloyalty.  Even worse, he also wanted to seize, without a warrant, the frilly underthings of their wives.
 

CSI CAIRO -- Egyptologists now contend that the Discovery Channel’s 2007“Secrets of Egypt’s Lost Queen” may have relied on uncorroborated evidence to identify the mummified remains of Queen Hatsheput. Seems they used pre-DNA techniques used in the 1970’s to authenticate Cher.

 

EARLY BIRDERS -- The town of Greenburgh, NY allows senior citizens to work off their property taxes at government agencies. Which explains that fire truck I spotted last week with its left turn signal permanently flashing.
 

BIBLE BILLBOARD -- Country stars with successful religious-themed albums include Vince Gill with “Give Me Jesus,” Brad Paisley’s “The Old Rugged Cross,” and Sara Evans’s “Just a Closer Walk With Thee.”  Tunes that just didn't shout hallelujah include Dolly Parton’s “That Bible in the Nightstand Says No Lovin’ Here Tonight,”  “I Want More Sodom in My Gomorra” by Billy Ray Cyrus and Garth Brooks’ “God Bless My Hat”
 

DUCK AND COVER -- In 2007, China entered its first float in the Rose Parade.  The crowd lining the streets in Pasadena was stunned when it began lobbing ground-to-air missiles at the Japanese float.
 

LOVIN’ IT -- A McDonald’s near London’s Gatwick Airport imposes a $150 fine for using their parking lot longer than 45 minutes. And that's not the worst of it.  Drive-thru customers must place their order within the required 60 seconds to disable tire-deflating spikes.
 

WINGED VICTORY -- In January, air travel aficionados will gather in Dayton, OH to celebrate the 109th anniversary of the Wright Brothers’ first flight. They’ll reconvene a week later to mark the return of their luggage.
 

FANTASIA -- Fish and Game officials report a marked increase in automatic weapon assaults on wardens in the field. They attribute the violence to rural methamphetamine labs… marijuana cultivation in wooded areas… and an increase in gang activity among wildlife.
 

RATATOUILLE -- Naturalists conducting research with Conservation International discovered a new species of rat, five times larger than normal rodents, in the Foja Mountains near Papua, New Guinea. Unlike urban sewer rats that just bite tourists, these use poison spear guns.
 

BALANCING ACT -- Researchers discovered that pregnant women have specially adapted lower back and hip joints that keep them from tipping forward. The study also showed specially-positioned shoulder blades that allow females them to carry heavy shopping bags, fully loaded, virtually indefinitely.
 

SQUEEZE MY GRAPEFRUIT -- A contest to find a new state song for Florida included among the finalists: “Where the Saw Grass Meets the Sky,” “Florida, My Home” and “My Florida Home.”  Runners up included: “Where Old Folks Come to Die,” “Florida, My Nursing Home” and “What Time Is Lawrence Welk On?”
 

ARE YOU READY? -- The “NFL Experience” theme park in Glendale, AZ enables visitors to experience being an NFL player.  Attractions include the “Spousal Abuse Tilt-A-Whirl,” the “Late Night Strip Club Shooting Gallery” and “DUI Bumper Cars.”

JURASSIC HOOVER -- Fossils from a 110 million year old dinosaur found in the Sahara Desert are now on display at the headquarters of the National Geographic Society. The specimen, which had a large shovel-like mouth is believed to have survived by sucking in food like a giant vacuum cleaner. Paleontologists have named the prehistoric creature “Rush Limbaugh Rex.”
 

KODAK MOMENT -- Photo experts at the Smithsonian Museum believe they have discovered the image of Abraham Lincoln among the huge crowd waiting to hear him deliver the Gettysburg Address. Under intense microscopic examination, he appears to be buying two tickets to the Ford Theater from a notorious scalper known in Virginia as “Balcony Bob.”
 

WE’RE DOIN’ FINE -- Oklahomans are commemorating the 105th anniversary of statehood with year-long celebrations. They’re glad they belong to the land and the land they belong to is grand.
 

M-I-C-K-E-Y -- Officials at Disneyland warned patrons that ashes of loved ones may not be spread in the park after a woman was spotted sprinkling a “white powder” into the water at the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Let’s just hope they never dump the cryogenically frozen body of their founder in there.
 

MIEN ORB -- A world globe recovered by the Allies in Hitler’s “Eagle’s Nest” in the Bavarian Alps fetched $100,000 at a San Francisco auction. Probably the real McCoy. You can see the holes where the fuhrer poked his pencil into Poland… France… Denmark… Norway… Belgium… Moscow…
 

STONE TABLETS -- While searching the home of mob “boss-of-bosses” Salvatore Lo Piccolo, Italian police discovered a document containing the “Ten Commandments of the Mafia.” While it's being held for evidence, we've obtained an advance copy:   1] Thou shalt kill.  2] Thou shalt not worship false gods with the exception of Francis Ford Coppola.  3] Honor thy father and thy mother and thy father's mistress. 4] Don't Taketh in vain either the name “Vinnie” or “Nunzio.” 5] Speaketh thou like Marlon Brando in the Godfather.  6] Stuffeth not more than three bodies into the trunk of thy Cadillac.  7] Never whacketh anyone named “Bob.”  8] Sit with thy back to the wall while dining in public.  9] Never misseth a rerun of “The Sopranos.”10] Forgetith not that the Pope calls the shots.
 

DINNER MUSIC -- An Italian author and art buff claims he has discovered a musical staff on the surface Leonardo Da Vinci's “The Last Supper” with objects on the table representing the notes of a song. Sacred musicologists are at odds over whether the notes comprise “Hey Jude” or the theme from “Jesus Christ Superstar.”
 

OI VEY -- Forty thousand people who converted to the Jewish religion have had their conversions annulled by the state-funded Rabbinical High Court.  Among the behaviors that could trigger immediate disqualification were infrequent and/or misuse of the terms "farklempt" "schnoorer," and "schlep" as well as unfamiliarity with the pharmaceutical benefits of chicken soup.
 
PAPA LOVES VOODOO -- In Port Au Prince, Haitians flocked to cemeteries , kicking off Voodoo's Festival of the Dead. Voodoo, a blend of Christian tenets and African religions fused by slaves, is practiced across the nation. It was sanctioned as an official religion in 2003 -- when the government conceded it was no more ridiculous than any other religion.

Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved