FRI, SAT, SUN, July 1, 2, 3, 2011

Plastic surgeons now warn that breast implants may not last as long as previously thought.  They have discovered that over time, the implants separate leaving a gap -- an area the doctors call "silicone valley."


Newsweek Magazine ran a computer-generated image of Princess Di on its cover that shows how she would have looked today.  They got the idea from Rolling Stone Magazine that recently ran a photo of Keith Richards showing how he would look had he lived.


L.A. Lakers hoop wizard Ron Artest has gone above the heads of his employers and petitioned the federal court to change his name to "Metta World Peace."  Before you condemn Lakers management for caving in too soon, his first choice was "Metta Mucil."


Police in Whittier, CA charged a man and his son with using their pit bull as a deadly weapon in an attempted holdup.  According to eye witnesses, they failed because they couldn't make the dog stay in his holster until needed.


The new Teriyaki Turkey Burger at Carl's Jr. has been a big hit, but it may have to be removed from the menu.  It's just too labor-intensive getting the turkeys to run through the teriyaki sauce. 

THURSDAY, June 30, 2011

Rather than fight the feds in court, the tobacco companies are making the best of the new mandated health warnings.   The Marlboro Man has replaced his lariat with an IV tube, Cools have been renamed "Kevorkians" and Joe Camel's humps are now oxygen tanks. 

The U.S. Supreme Court overturned a California law limiting the access of adult-rated video games to minors.  Clarence Thomas didn't participate much -- he was too busy playing one of the exhibits, "Supreme Court Justice and the Underage Paralegal" from Wham-O-Matic.

Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich has been convicted on 17 counts of corruption for attempting to sell Barack Obama's former Senate seat.  When sentenced, he could face up to ten years in prison -- and his hair could end up at the Sy Sperling Correctional Center in East Rogaine, Illinois.

After working for five months without a labor contract, Los Angeles grocery clerks may vote to go out on strike.  Let's hope it goes a little smoother than last time when their picket line was delayed for two weeks while they argued over whether to print the signs on paper or plastic.

Cyndi Lauper recently celebrated her 58th birthday.   Cyndi, Debbie Harry and Madonna have all become "women of a certain age."  Lady Gaga told her audience that she owes all of her success to them -- and Oscar Meyer, of course. 

WEDNESDAY, June 29, 2011

Sociologists in Beijing report that more than half of the Chinese who become successful in business, leave the Peoples Republic as soon as they can afford to.  Can you blame them?  Sending out for Chinese is okay once in awhile, but every night?

Johnson & Johnson recently recalled 40,000 bottles of a medication used to treat schizophrenics.  Odd since the drug has worked for years for Johnson & Johnson.  See, in real life, Johnson is actually one guy.

Eighty-year old Jack McKeon is the oldest manager in the majors, but, despite his age, no one dares challenge him on the Rules of Baseball.  In fact, he claims he has proof that he helped Abner Doubleday make them up. 

A new chewing gum being marketed in Sweden claims to increase concentration, improve stamina and contribute to one's physical beauty.  Chewing gum has a long history there.  Who can forget the phrase made famous by Swedish actress Greta Garbo -- "I want to chew alone!"

Thanks to weather-caused crop failures and increased demand, coffee bean prices will continue to spiral.  Coffee producers are doing so well, that bidder who recently paid $8.2 million for Marilyn Monroe's dress was Juan Valdez.

TUESDAY, June 28, 2011

Congress is demanding that the ATF explain how hundreds of American-made assault weapons ended up in Mexico.  Authorities first became suspicious when Taco Bell restaurants near the border began offering a new AK-47 with their "Fourth of July Big Bang Burrito."

The LA judge handling the Lindsay Lohan case ruled that Lindsay may drink while under house arrest, but only accompanied by one friend at a time.  "No problem, judge," she said, "I'll alternate between the elephant and the giraffe."

Hard to believe that Paul McCartney at age 69 will launch his "On the Run" summer tour with a concert at Yankee Stadium next month.  Female fans still toss their hotel key on stage like they always did, but now they need the help of a caregiver.

Toyota is blaming the earthquake-caused tsunami for plummeting Prius sales.  Not the story we're getting. Market analysts are blaming complaints from new owners that whenever they switch on the cruise control, the car turns into the parking lot of a Benihana of Tokyo.

Briston Palin's memoirs, "Not Afraid of Life," really takes the reader back in time.  It begins on a cold winter night when she was two and her mother braved a snowstorm to shoot a Grizzly so she'd have something to lie on in front of the fire.