WEDNESDAY, September 26, 2012

FREE OXYGEN -- Discussing his wife Ann's recent brush with an aircraft fire that necessitated a forced landing, Mitt Romney told reporters that it's hard to get rid of smoke on an aircraft "because the windows don't open.  I don't know why they don't do that."  Probably because 47% of the passengers would vote to keep them closed.

SURF'S DOWN! -- Reluctantly and with a heavy heart, the organizers of the current Beach Boys national tour concluded that this will be their final appearance together on any stage.  Hey, it's just not like the old days.  Thanks to diabetes, arthritis and osteoporosis, the most they can hang these days is about four.


COFFEE, TEA, TOURNIQUET? -- TSA officers at the Philadelphia International Airport  discovered a loaded 9 mm Glock pistol hidden in the luggage of a flight attendant for US Airways Express.  Under intense questioning, she admitted that the next customer who complained about the stale peanuts would get a couple of lead ones where it counts. 


WARMING PRESENT -- A couple in Modesto, CA, in the process of moving their furniture into an apartment they had just signed a year's lease on, discovered the dead body of the former tenant wrapped in a rug.  These have to be the unluckiest renters in the world.   You ever tried to wrestle a 12-foot couch into your new living room without breaking the police tape?

PUMP ME UP -- A guest appearance on "60-Minutes" is included in Arnold Schwarzenegger's current nationwide tour promoting his new memoir "Total Recall."  He's apparently still traumatized by the revelation that he fathered a child with the maid under Maria's nose.  The book is in Spanish.

Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved 

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Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.