FRI, SAT, SUN, June 1, 2, 3, 2012

6-1-2012
THE BUDDY SYSTEM -- Subbing for Piers Morgan, Regis Philbin welcomed longtime buddy David Letterman who dropped by the CNN chat show to schmooze for the full hour.  They discussed their early careers, Regis's memorable interviews on Dave's show, and their mutual heart bypass surgeries.  Then they demonstrated emergency heart attack protocol by giving each other mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. 

 

FANGS FOR THE MEMORY -- Forty-four year old preacher Mark Randall “Mack” Wolford died after being bitten by a rattlesnake he was holding as part of a cult service that’s based on the belief that the Bible commands followers to “test their faith” by handling venomous serpents.  Said the preacher, “This is a sign to show people that God has the power.”  God must have been preoccupied with that other pulpit pounder who wants to pen gays behind electric fences until they starve to death.

BETTER THAN A PINATA -- Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg celebrated his 28^th birthday this week.  This news is more momentous than you might think.  You see, according to the leading astronomers,  the moon of Sirius is on the cusp of the Radials and in perfect alignment with Tiberius and that means that Mark’s age equals the exact amount of his wealth -- $28 billion.  According to the Mayan calendar, he will no longer age.  Pretty nice birthday present, no?

MARKETING MARAUDERS -- The decision by Macy's to institute a new marketing strategy stressing local needs and fashion tastes at their branches nationwide has paid off handsomely, with sales and average stock prices showing marked improvement.  For instance, their designer flack jackets with built-in holster and knife scabbard are flying off the shelves at their South Central LA and inner-city Chicago stores.




             YouTube VIDEO of the WEEK
                                            

MEDICAL MALPRACTICE -- This sketch parody of soap operas starring Bob Hope, Elizabeth Taylor, Richard Burton, Glenn Ford, and Anthony Geary was taped at NBC, Burbank in 1983.   Liz appears in a parody of "General Hospital," her favorite soaper.  Richard Burton was a surprise guest and was pressed into service as the "patient" when he stopped by the studio to pick up his wife for lunch.  





Copyright (c) 2012  by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

THURSDAY, May 31, 2012

5/31/2012

AIR RAID SHELTER -- According to a new report from the Centers for Disease Control, burgers, fries and sodas have tripled in size, on average, since the 1950s.  Hamburgers grew from 3.9 ounces to 12 ounces, fries from 2.4 ounces to 6.7 ounces and sodas from 7 to 42 ounces.  And the startling increases have drastically altered human behavior, too.  For instance, in 1950 kids were told to “Duck and Cover” during a nuclear attack.  Today, they’re told to dive under their lunch.      

SOUP’S ON -- The largest law firm ever to declare bankruptcy has filed for Chapter 11 protection after attempts to merge with another firm failed.  Dewey & Leboeuf was formed in 2007 with the merger of Dewey, Balantine, LeBoeuf, Lamb, Green and MacRae giving it a total of 1,300 lawyers in twelve countries.  Reasons for the gigantic failure include the worldwide depression, unconscionable salaries and continued illegal harvesting by the Japanese for their fins which they consider an aphrodisiac.   

  

LADY SINGS THE BLUES -- Following violent protests by hard line Islamic groups carrying signs with messages like “Reject the Devil, Lady Gaga,” the embattled pop star cancelled her planned performance in Jakarta later this week.  When questioned by reporters immediately dispatched to cover the story, a spokesman for the government expressed concern over security issues.  “We feel we could provide complete safety for one of her ‘Ga’s,’ but we’re just not equipped to protect both of them.” 

DON’T BE A LITTERBUG -- NASA issued a series of behavioral guidelines to members of the 26 teams vying for $30 million to become the first non-government space explorers to land on the moon.  Sponsored by the X-Prize Foundation, top money will go to the team that lands successfully, travel at least one-third of a mile on the lunar surface and transmits clear video back to earth.   A $1 million bonus will be paid by Star Trek Space Mavens, Inc. to the team that first plants a flag with a portrait of William Shatner painted on it.  

A LITTLE BIT COUNTRY -- ABC’s reality series “The Bachelorette” has spawned a spin off called “The Mormon Bachelor.com” in which 26-year old Kent Tuttle, a dental student at Midwestern University will date 25 Mormon women to find his ideal mate.  It won’t be a piece of cake, either.  Mormon dates can be a real challenge.  Couples must try to get acquainted with no coffee, no booze, and no premarital sex.  If it weren’t for Donny & Marie albums, they’d have nothing to do at all.

Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

WEDNESDAY, May 30, 2012

                 THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

 

5-30-2012

ELVIS HAS LEFT THE MAUSOLEUM -- The crypt where Elvis was laid to rest after his death on August 16, 1977 is for sale.  The granite and marble mausoleum in Memphis, Tennessee’s Forest Hills Cemetery contained the remains of The King before his body was transferred to Graceland two months later.  Reminiscent of Egyptian Pharaohs, several of Elvis’s favorite objects were placed inside with him including capes, scarves, belt buckles and a custom-made guitar with a built in cheeseburger and French fry warmer. 

HOLY MOLEY -- The Pope’s butler, Paolo Gabrielle, now being held on charges that he leaked sensitive documents linking the Holy Father to high-level corruption, may be only the tip of the iceberg and has agreed to implicate others.  According to the Italian newspapers Corriere della Sera and Il Messaggero new evidence is now emerging that implicates high-ranking cardinals close to Pope Benedict XVI in graft, corruption and financial manipulation within the Vatican bank.  However, there has been no reaction from the College of Cardinals since they are currently on their annual Spring Break in Cancun.    

 

X-RAY HEARING -- After seven-year-old Anthony Smith’s mother wrote to marvel Comics (the boy’s favorite), that Anthony didn’t like to wear his hearing aid to school, the editors sprang into action and created a new comic book hero in Anthony’s honor – “Blue Ear,” who’s able to locate criminals and evil-doers thanks to his special listening device.  The reaction of the editors recalls how Superman’s alter-ego, Clark Kent, was originally created.  A kid in Chicago wrote in that he didn’t like wearing his horn-rimmed glasses to school.

VEE HAF VAYS -- A Finnish film that makes fun of the Nazis stirred controversy following its recent showing at the Berlin Film Festival.  Part science fiction, part contemporary, "Iron Sky" involves a group of Gestapo agents who have been hiding on the dark side of the moon and return to earth to battle a Sarah Palinesque American president who hopes that another war with them will help get her reelected.  Older Germans say it’s too soon to satirize the Third Reich, while younger viewers dig it -- one describing it as “Avatar Meets Hogan’s Heroes.”

WALL PHONE -- According to information secured by the New York Times from Facebook employees, the social networking giant will debut its own smart phone by the end of 2013.  Facebook has been working on the project for some time, hiring experts who worked on iPhone and other smart platforms.  The new phone will offer several unique features like “friend waiting,” an app that allows the user to “like” the person at the other end, and a button you may press to learn Mark Zuckerberg’s current stock holdings.   




Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills   All Rights Reserved

TUESDAY, May 29, 2012

                    THE BUTLER DID IT!

Paolo Gabriele rides in the "pope mobile" with the Boss.

5-29-2012
SO HARD TO FIND GOOD HELP -- The Vatican arrested Paolo Gabriele, Pope Benedict XVI’s personal butler who, based on papers found in his flat, is suspected of leaking highly sensitive materials involving corruption, mismanagement, cronyism, nepotism and suspicious payments made by the Vatican bank and events surrounding the recent firing of its president.  There's so much evidence of a pope-ordered cover up, the scandal is being referred to in the Italian press as “Holy Watergate.”

38^th PARALLEL UNIVERSE?  --  As a plane circled to land at South Korea’s International Airport, one of its passengers spotted what appeared to be an unidentified flying object in the airspace about 1000 feet below.  The quick-thinking passenger activated his cell phone camera and took a video of the object (shown here).  The sighting raises several interesting questions:  Was the object piloted by an alien from another planet?  Did anyone on the ground see the object?  Aren’t cell phones supposed to be banned during takeoffs and landings?

                    SEARCH ME, FATHER

 

GROPING EXPERIENCE A PLUS -- Former Catholic priest Thomas Harkins, defrocked after being caught sexually abusing two young girls in the St. Anthony of Padua parish in Hammondton, NJ, now works for the TSA at the Philadelphia International Airport.   However, his superiors don’t consider his past a detriment.  On the contrary, they consider it “seasoning in the minors.”       

JURASSIC JAZZ FESTIVAL? -- A team of researchers from Oxford University report in the Journal of Human Evolution the discovery of what they believe are the earliest known musical instruments – a pair of flutes carved from ivory 45,000 years ago.  DNA taken from the mouthpiece of one of them indicates that it was played by an ancestor of Kenny G who probably worked in a section of the cave that served as a stone-age version of an elevator. 

READY... SET... WHAT? -- Over 27,000 marathoners, including some of the best in the world, have gathered in Edinburgh, Scotland  for that city’s tenth annual Marathon Festival.  Among them is the world’s oldest runner, Fauja Singh who is 101 and is signed up for the relay.   Fauja will will be given no special treatment in deference to his advanced age.  Well, maybe one.  Officials will double the usual amount of gun powder in the starter’s pistol to make sure he hears it.   



         CLASSIC TELEVISION RETURNS

HAVE CLIPS, WILL TRAVEL -- Now booking shows for the summer and fall, "Bob Hope Backstage" is the perfect addition to your corporate seminar, workshop, convention or any venue where laughter is welcome.  This hour-long stroll down memory Lane is hosted by Bob Mills who recalls hilarious stories and anecdotes from his two decades on the road writing for Bob Hope.  Illustrated by actual video clips from the NBC specials he co-wrote, his unique presentation will take you from Peking to Bora Bora... Shanghai to Australia with stops in between.  You'll return to the Golden Age of television with Hope and guests like Elizabeth Taylor, Richard Burton, George Burns, Lucille Ball, and a host of others.  It's a perfect addition for your event that participants will never forget.  For full particulars, contact:  TheLaughMakers@GMail.com.  To view sample video clips from the shows:

http://www.youtube.com/user/thelaughmakers.

Copyright (c) 2012  by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

MONDAY, May 28, 2012

               NOT SO GRAND OPRAH

"I'm in the climb of my life," Oprah tells advertisers.

5-28-2012

THE COLOR RED -- After launching in 2008 amid much hoopla and ballyhoo, the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) has been sinking faster than the Costa Concordia.  The fledgling network is reported to be $330 million in debt and in danger of going belly-up.  In fact, Oprah’s so strapped for cash, she and Stedman may audition to get on “Dancing With the Stars.”

     

$PON$OR$ -- Under the terms of a long-term deal signed last year with CBS and NBC, the standard rate now charged advertisers for commercial placement during NFL games is $1 million per minute, $500,000 for 30 seconds and $250,000 for fifteen seconds.  Advertisers saddled with a tight budget can buy space on the coin used during the coin-toss for $100,000 a side.


       SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL SHERIFF

ALOHA OI VEY -- Arizona’s tough-as-nails illegal alien hunter Sheriff Joe Arpaio actually sent several of his deputies to Honolulu at state expense to look for a fake Barack Obama birth certificate.  They failed to dig up any dirt on the president, but they did find evidence that Arpaio may be the illegitimate son of Don Ho and Charo.

SOUR GRAPE JUICE -- The first privately manufactured space capsule Dragon has docked at the International Space Station with six tons of supplies.  Former NASA astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin testified before Congress condemning the civilian space program as "unsafe."  But remember these guys are a little old-fashioned -- they used to celebrate successful missions by dousing the head of Houston Control with buckets of Tang.

            
             GREEKS BEARING GIFTS

NO TICKEE, NO KIDDIE -- With unemployment at 21%, hospitals in Greece are strictly enforcing health care rules that require a person have a job or be receiving unemployment to qualify.   One unemployed mother claims her doctor refused to hand over her baby after learning she couldn’t pay for her $1500 Cesarean section.   In defense of the hospital, though, they did offer the kid to Angelina Jolie for adoption.

Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills   All Rights Reserved

FRI, SAT, SUN, May 25, 26, 27, 2012

5-25-2012

SPELLBOUND -- A British study of 2,000 adults conducted by Mencap found that 34% could not spell "definitely" and "separate" correctly and 77% misspelled "necessary."  A similar study conducted with a sample of New Yorkers came up with similar results.  New Yorkers have become such poor spellers, cans of spray paint now come with "spell-help" labels  for graffiti artists.

ONE MORE FOR THE ROAD -- For the first time since Affirmed in 1978, Kentucky Derby and Preakness winner "I'll Have Another" will attempt to capture horse racing's elusive Triple Crown by winning the Belmont Stakes.  It's a real rags-to-riches story.  According to his bio, Have began his career at Santa Anita as a stalking horse, auditioned for and won a part on HBO's mini-series "Luck" where he became an extra and later Dustin Hoffman's personal mount.

SAD SACKS -- The Los Angeles City Council has voted to ban plastic bags in grocery stores and supermarkets.  Most supermarket chains will offer paper bags for a quarter each while those in upscale neighborhoods like Beverly Hills, Brentwood and Malibu will provide leather-trimmed canvas Gucci bags for $389.99. 

 
TILE TRIAL -- The trial of former assistant Penn State coach Jerry Sandusky on charges he molested minors in the team's shower room is about to get underway.  Hucksters are already setting up booths outside the courthouse to peddle souvenirs and collectibles -- items like soap-on-a-rope carved in Jerry's image, and rubber skid-resistant "Jerry's Kids" bathmats.  
 

 
PAIR PRESSURE -- At the national headquarters of Hooters Restaurants in Atlanta, executives have been trying to come up with novel marketing ideas  for their 430 locations that tie in with popular holidays.   So far, the strategy has paid off.  On Mother's Day, they offered customers free chicken wings and sales soared.  They wanted to follow up on that success and offer free breasts on Fathers Day but decided they already do.
 






Copyright (c) 2012  by Robert L. Mills
All Rights Reserved




 

THURSDAY, May 24, 2012

5-24-2012

CELLAR DWELLERS -- CNN has reached their lowest Nielsen viewership in fifteen years with “Piers Morgan Tonight” drawing a paltry 39,000 viewers in the coveted 29-54 demographic.  Here’s how desperate things are over there right now.  Yesterday, they seriously considered letting Wolf Blitzer go and hiring “Jersey Shore’s” The Situation to host “The Situation Room.”

LABEL LIBEL -- The government of Iran is threatening to sue Google for failing to label the Persian Gulf on their Google Maps website.  The objection recalls Iran’s criticism of the U.S. Military for calling the same body of water “The Arabian Gulf.”  Google responded by threatening to label it “The Oprah Winfrey Gulf” so nobody would search for it. 

GOING POSTAL -- According to a recent report from the Government Accounting Office assessing the most badly-managed federal offices, the U.S. Postal Service loses $25 million every day.  And that’s in addition to all the mail they can’t find.

 TRAY TRAPPINGS -- Boeing’s new 787 “Dreamliner” carries more passengers with greater fuel efficiency thanks to the new lightweight plastics used in its construction.  Technology has sure come a long way, hasn’t it?  Just a few years ago, who would have dreamed that we’d be riding on a plane made out of the same thing we’re eating off of in Tourist?

A baseball fan named Caleb Lloyd pulled off one of the most historic feats in the history of major league baseball.  In the center field stands for a night game between the Atlanta Braves and the Cincinnati Reds,  he caught a homer hit by pitcher Mike Leake in the fourth inning and then caught Zack Cozart's round-tripper minutes later.  MLB statisticians place the odds of such an occurrence as so astronomical, it's completely off the charts -- about the same odds, say, as the Chicago Cubs winning a game. 




Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills   All Rights Reserved 

WEDNESDAY, May 23, 2012

5-23-2012

SHIVER ME TIMBERS! – Marine biologists working with the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration to access the underwater damage inflicted by British Petroleum on undersea wildlife in the Gulf of Mexico last year have come across a wooden sailing vessel believed to have sunk off the coast of Louisiana about 1800 and possibly belonging to pirates.   With the hull resting on the bottom at about 4,000 feet, the find confirms the accuracy of Disneyworld’s “Pirates of the Caribbean” ride.  Divers discovered a battered sign near the forward gangplank that says “You Must Be This Tall To Board This Ship.”

 

Divers observed broken dishes, eating utensils and bottles strewn along the sea floor near the sunken hull.   Recovered from the ship’s supply locker was a half-full bottle with a label that says "BLOW-THE-MAN-DOWN Cleaning Fluid: For removing parrot droppings from epaulets."

PROFESSIONAL COURTESY, ANYONE? -- Three Drug Enforcement Administration agents are being investigated on charges that they cavorted with Colombian hookers at the same time Secret Service agents were entertaining them in their Cartagena, Colombia hotel suites during President Obama’s April visit to the South American city.  Apparently the three agents who were stationed there were implicated by Arthur Huntington White House the body-guard who tried to stiff his independent contractor and brought the whole sordid affair to light.  Lesson here – Apparently the Secret Service will take a bullet for the President, but when it comes to taking the fall for their colleagues…

CHANNEL SURFING ICON -- Eugene Polly, who as a young engineer at Zenith Radio Corporation, in 1955 invented (along with his partner Robert Adler) the first wireless television remote control they patented under the name the “Flash-Matic,” joining eighteen other TV-related patents they would collect over his next 47 years.  Polley was 96 and, according to authorities, had been dead for some time before a visiting relative found him curled up between two of his couch cushions.

  

AMATEUR HOUR -- At a press conference ABC programming chief Paul Lee announced that the net’s new fall lineup would include four new shows and the transfer of “Revenge” to the 9 pm slot vacated by “Desperate Housewives.”  In addition, the net  will air an “All Star” version of the popular “Dancing With the Stars.”  One can only imagine the reluctance producers must have felt when the idea of airing an "all-star" version of their show was pitched.  After all, the title itself strongly implies that the typical episode involves precious few “stars” and fewer still who have had even a nodding acquaintance with actual dancing.

DRESS CODE BLUE -- A British public school boy wore a knee-length skirt to class at Impington Village College near Cambridge to protest the school’s ban on boys wearing shorts during the summer months.  Chris Whitehead addressed the morning assembly and immediately received a positive reaction to his efforts to change school policy, receiving the largest ovation when he reenacted the mooning scene from Mel Gibson’s "Braveheart."

Copyright (c) 2012  by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

TUESDAY, May 22, 2012

5-22-2012

LUCKY LINDY -- Sunday marked the eighty-fifth anniversary of Charles A. Lindbergh’s history-making flight across the Atlantic from New York to Paris in the “Spirit of St. Louis" in the then-remarkable time of 34 hours in the air.

 Lines of French soldiers and police had to shield the aviator from a surging crowd of 100,000 who had come to greet him upon his arrival. 

Gently lifted from the cramped cockpit, he said, “Well, I made it.”

 

In the coming days and months, Lindbergh would be honored as a true American hero with a stamp commemorating his fantastic feat.

 

 ...and a Time Magazine cover.

It was a truly remarkable achievement -- hours and hours in the dark night sky... completely on his own... no food except a sandwich he’d made himself... a small flask of water... wondering how he got himself into this...  oh -- sorry, that's today -- flying on Delta.

AISLE BE SEEING YOU -- A day after the Facebook stock IPO, the social net’s founder and $20 billionaire Mark Zuckerberg marched down the aisle with his longtime girlfriend, UC Med School grad Priscilla Chan among friends and relations who had gathered for what they were told would be a graduation party for Chan at Zuckerberg’s Palo Alto, CA home.  The happy couple had spent the previous night hammering out a prenup that, in the event of a split, gives her North America, South America and Australia while he gets Africa, Europe and Asia.  They’ll share joint custody of the dog and the Kardashians.

Oh, and if you’d like to send a gift, there’s still time.  They’re registered at “Bed, Bath & Beyond Their Fondest Dreams.”

BURBERRY NOT COASTING -- A New York federal judge signed an order allowing famed British trench coat maker Burberry to shut down on-line outlets purporting to sell legitimate Burberry products.  Burberry alleged that the China-based websites, copying the company's trademark, logo and advertising image, were selling shoddy replicas of Burberry products including handbags, scarves, shoes, wallets, belts, ties, outerwear and sunglasses.  Probably would have gotten away with it, too, if they hadn’t offered a free Rolex knock-off with each purchase.

(Real trench coat $2495; bag $3,065)

FATHER’S DAY JOB -- Thirty-two year old Desmond Hatchett of Knoxville, Tennessee has a large problem.  He’s fathered thirty-two children by eleven different mothers and owes child support to each of them pursuant to a court order.  Problem is, he works for minimum wage which means that some months, the moms get $1.49 each in compliance with Knox County child support laws that take half of his wages.   This guy has astounded the geneticists – he has all the attributes of a top NBA athlete except the ability to play basketball.

Copyright (c) 2012  by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved