WEDNESDAY, August 31, 2011

Based on a best-seller, the  movie "The Help" is doing surprisingly well at the box office. Arnold Schwartzenegger is reportedly attending Mass again and praying that tell-all books written by maids doesn't become a fad. 

Burger King, continuing its quest for a healthier menu, has added old-fashioned oatmeal to its breakfast choices.  Must be Quaker Oats.  When Ronald McDonald made fun of the King, he turned the other cheek.

Barack Obama's uncle was arrested in Framingham, Massachusetts and charged with drunk driving.  The booking procedure took longer than usual because he couldn't produce what they considered an authentic enough birth certificate.     

A Scottish mortuary has developed an eco-friendly machine that liquefies dead bodies in three hours and emits fewer green house gasses than cremation.  American scientists who've tested the device says it works even faster on bodies that have had a head start like, say, Mel Gibson's or Lindsay Lohan's.  

Long awaited by blood n' gore film fans, “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark,” has opened wide.   Unfortunately, some of them aren't showing up because they're afraid of the dark.   

WEDNESDAY, August 31, 2011

Former Vice President Dick Cheney has launched a major book tour to promote his new memoir "In My View."  He's hitting almost all the talk shows and even offered to go on "The View" if Barbara Walters would allow him waterboard  Joy Behar.           . 

In Germany, a flashmob recently torched luxury cars on the streets of Berlin.  Luxury does have its demands, though.  Arsonists using regular gas failed while those dousing the cars with premium got flames immediately.

Disaster was narrowly averted when two beehives being smuggled on a Russian Aeroflot passenger plane tipped over and the bees escaped.  The pilot tried to alert ground personnel but the flight controllers, having just finished a nap, thought he was just buzzing the tower.

As Hurricane Irene approached the east coast, all the casinos in Atlantic City were evacuated and boarded up to withstand the high winds.  Despite the precautions, Irene's winds hit a slot machine handle in Harrah's and won forty dollars in nickles.

A rare shortage of the popular anesthetic propofol forced many hospitals to adapt available substitutes to put surgery patients under.  One enterprising clinic in Lower Manhattan forced them to watch clips of Robert Wagner explaining how reverse mortgages work.

TUESDAY, August 30, 2011

A recent sports survey shows that Labron James is the most unpopular player in the NBA.  Even his teammates can't stand him.  Since he arrived, they've purposely refused to share their keg after the game, and won't disclose the name of the team's Dr. Feelgood or its bail bondsman.

A new study on mental deterioration due to aging has shown that one shot of alcohol per day substantially lowers the risk of Alzheimer's Disease.  In light of the new findings, the Betty Ford Clinic has been renamed the "Center for the Over Medicated."

A Michigan man whose truck struck four other cars before coming to a halt told police he lost his brakes and tried to slow down by dragging his foot on the ground.  Already he's back to work -- with a new nickname -- "Stumpy."

Online dating now has everything -- a web site devoted to singles interested in finding a partner but not in sex.  If it sounds like something for you, check it out at http://NotTonightIHaveaHeadache.com

Researchers at IBM have developed a computer chip that mimics the human mind It also comes in a female version that has no fear of asking a stranger for directions, can't learn to use a TV remote and prefers the temperature 10 degrees higher than the male chip.

MONDAY, August 29, 2011

According to USA Today, the economy has reached such depths, some formerly comfortable Americans now rely on newspaper and magazine food coupons to survive.  And it can be quite a shock. For some, it's the first time they've had to follow a dotted line that wasn't cocaine.

Popular jockey and Kentucky Derby winner Calvin Borel was recently arrested and charged with a DUI.  He probably antagonized the cops.  After he blew into the balloon they gave him, he twisted it into a passable replica of Seattle Slew.

Recently in Beijing, a vicious fist-fight broke out during an exhibition basketball game between students from Georgetown University and Chinese students.  The Chinese hosts are so repentant, they offered to lower the interest rate half a percentage point on the money we owe them.

A wealthy Miami booster admitted to NCAA officials that he provided players being recruited with a yacht with a fully-stocked bar and a crew of hookers.  The players were ecstatic.  Gives them a place to meet with school officials to really negotiate a deal.

New findings suggest that athletes in love turn in better performances on the playing field.  Hoping those findings will help boost sales, Absorbine, Jr., the athlete's foot medicine, is now marketing "Absorbine Lover."  It has the same formula as the original but it smells like Cameron Diaz.

FRI, SAT, SUN, August 26, 27, 28, 2011

Shaking plaster from the National Cathedral, an earthquake rattled windows and nerves from New Hampshire to Georgia.  Officially, meteorologists rated the quake 5.9 on the Richter Scale -- while out of habit, Standard & Poors reduced it to a 4.7.

Songwriter Jerry Lieber who with his partner Mike Stoller wrote many of Elvis's biggest hits, died in Los Angeles at age 78.  After a brief memorial service attended by fans, friends and family, he was laid to rest wearing black denim trousers and motorcycle boots and a black leather jacket with an eagle on the back.

Geneticists have estimated that there are now 8.7 million separate species of life on earth.  And all of them have been given a name -- except, maybe, for whatever that is on Donald Trump's head.

Kim Kardashian fulfilled her childhood dream of having a lavish wedding ceremony, wearing an expensive designer gown, and having hundreds of guests.  It lacked only one thing.  She wanted Dad to spring OJ so he could provide the knife to cut the cake.

Following McDonald's lead to stress healthier fare, Burger King has ditched its mustachioed king  mascot.  In his place, they've adopted a new, more in-touch-with-reality mascot -- an ambulance driver carrying heart defibrillator paddles.

THURSDAY, August 25, 2011

Libyan rebels surrounded Col. Muammar Gaddafi's palace but he appears to have fled and is now in hiding.  Rebel agents have staked out every uniform shop in and around Tripoli just in case he sends out for more medals.

The frenzied pack of GOP presidential hopefuls have booked so many softball interviews at Fox News, the FCC may investigate.  Could be risky, too.  Governor Rick Perry made the mistake of letting Greta Von Susteren get too close and had to have her surgically removed by his proctologist.

Al-Queda threatened to cut out David Letterman's tongue after he joked about the Muslim jihad.  Less than thrilled with his staff, Dave checked with CBS Legal to see if his contract allows him to behead a writer.

Scientists at Exxon-Mobil have discovered that the fat cells found in alligators may be used as a cheap alternative fuel.  Gas prices are so high in Italy, when the news was announced, a guy was spotted stuffing his designer loafers into his tank.

The NFL is considering hiring its first female official.  They've been testing a candidate they believe would be perfect for the job, but there's a problem -- every time she drops the handkerchief, one of the male refs picks it up for her.

WEDNESDAY, August 24, 2011

Kim Kardashian's wedding gown had a tulle skirt with a basque waist and Chantilly lace set off by a pair of Giuseppe Zanotti shoes.  Pretty impressive for a bride who became famous for not wearing anything at all.

A pilot for Cathay Pacific Airlines was suspended for initiating a flight attendant into the "Mile High Club" in the cockpit of his Boeing 747.  He'd have gotten away with it if he hadn't left the intercom on after pointing out landmarks.

Over sixty-thousand grocery workers have voted to strike southern California supermarkets.  Could take awhile, though.  Last time they struck, it took them a month to decide whether to print their picket signs on paper or plastic.
 
The Little League World Series is underway in South Williamsport, Pennsylvania.   It's getting more like the major leagues every year -- identical equipment, national radio and TV coverage,  Girl Scout groupies. . .

A 15-year old UK girl has been fitted with bionic fingers to replace those she lost after contracting chickenpox.  The fingers were developed by a Scottish firm that provides bionic middle fingers for New York City cabbies.

TUESDAY, August 23, 2011

A study of movie-goers reveals that many of them become nauseous when viewing movies shot in 3-D.  Director James Cameron took advantage of the phenomena and made vomiting a fun diversion among the Avatar crew on the way to the planet Pandora. 

Shell oil has received permission to begun off-shore drilling in Alaska.  The EPA demanded some pretty strict conditions.  For instance, in the event of a spill that destroys wildlife, Shell had to agree to provide free to the public a supply of those little yellow balls that snap on the end of your car's radio antenna.

A study of international sexual habits shows that for adulterers, Paris provides the most discreet hotel workers.   Yet another reason that the makers of Viagra often use shots of the Eiffel Tower in their European TV commercials.

A study of youth sports shows that high school and college basketball players suffer fewer injuries on the court if they wear braces on their ankles.  Already, Nike is developing the LaBron James "Mr. Achilles 500" that will sell for $95 a pair.

California wildlife officials are investigating the siting of a huge capybarra living in a Paso Robles water treatment plant.  A native of South America, the capybarra is considered the world's largest rodent -- if you don't count Lamar V. Swine,  a grossly-obese Mississippi lawyer with an office in Natchez.

MONDAY, August 22, 2011

French actor Gerard Depardieu was ejected from a City Jet flight for urinating in the aisle.  No big surprise here -- "depardieu" is a French term that became popular during the reign of King Louis XIV that roughly translated means "Has my dampness ruined your cape?"

NBC executives are excited over their new series "Playboy Club" scheduled to debut in the fall.  It's reportedly so authentic a depiction of Hugh Hefner's dream, to watch it you need a special key that fits a slot in back of your TV set.

A study of popular medical mores shows that a married man suffering a heart attack will more likely receive prompt treatment than a bachelor with the same symptoms.   Makes sense.  After those wedding bells ring, you can be pretty sure that stabbing pain in your heart isn't caused by Cupid's arrow.

This is the most exciting time of the year in the NFL.  The groundskeepers are laying down new chalk lines, the trainers are checking and double checking their equipment, and the new draft picks are assigned a locker, a parking space, and a training Hollywood starlet.

Despite rumors to the contrary, Brett Favre's agent insists that his aging client has no interest in signing with the Miami Dolphins.  Too bad.  The Dolphins were already preparing to make him feel welcome -- they installed a new shower with wheelchair access and everything.

FRI, SAT, SUN, August 19, 20, 21, 2011

In a heartless display typical of TV Executives, TBS canceled George Lopez's late-night talk show without advance notice.  Let me get this straight.  George's ex-wife didn't ask for her donated kidney back and TBS is taking back his TIME SLOT?

Believed to be a first in what has widely been considered a beer-drinking culture, a pit crew chief for NASCAR was arrested for selling marijuana.  Officials became suspicious when they noticed that some crews were rolling more joints than race cars.

Chicago Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano received a 30-day suspension for what the team said was "misconduct."  What did Carlos do?  Well, in the big leagues, stealing bases and signals is permitted, but stealing another player's Hollywood starlet girlfriend is a no-no.

Today Show morning chat guru Matt Lauer recently revealed to an interviewer that he makes $17 million per year.  Which raises the question we'd all ask if we ever got the chance to meet him in real life -- $17 million won't buy you a better haircut?

A new Pew research study of cell phone users found that 13% say they have faked an M2D2 voice to get out of talking to someone.  That's not surprising.  What's surprising are the 37% of women who say they have faked an orgasm while texting.

THURSDAY, August 18, 2011

According to the Commerce Department, consumer confidence is at its lowest level since 1980.  What is consumer confidence?  Well, it's like when you give your credit card to a waiter and are confident that he'll give it back after using it to pay a traffic ticket.

The Secret Service has purchased two $2.3 million bullet-proof, blackened window, double-decker buses that will be used to transport the President and other government officials.  They've code-named them "Greyhound One" and "Greyhound Two." 

Faced with drastic budget cuts, the US Postal service announced they'll let 120,000 employees go.  They knew their days of sorting, filing and delivering mail were numbered when they replaced the "Dead Letter Office" with the "Dead Job Office."

First it was aluminum, then brass cable, and now thieves are yanking clumps of victims' hair to sell to hair extension companies.  One victim told police in San Francisco she considered herself lucky -- the clump of hair the thief grabbed was HER hair extension.

According to arrest records, the use of crystal meth has gone up in Hollywood.  People seeking a sublime, transcendental experience while flashes of dazzling colored lights seem to appear from nowhere.  No -- wait -- my mistake.  That's the Crystal Cathedral.  

WEDNESDAY, August 17, 2011

The F.C.C. has issued a new ruling that will allow those calling 911 to text message the emergency.  They suggest using these internationally-recognized anagrams:  HOF= "My house is on fire!"  JBM= "I've just been mugged!  MGFOA= "Mel Gibson has flipped out again!"

PETA and other environmental groups have criticized President Obama for being too soft enforcing the Endangered Species list.  Barack probably didn't make any points with the anti-fur crowd when he hosted a state dinner for the Dali Lama that included Spotted Owl Under Glass.

Now that Jennifer Lopez has shed Marc Anthony, she's agreed to return as a judge on "American Idol."  She had one stipulation, though.  The other judges had to agree not to use her booty as a writing desk.

Two million former Californians have relocated elsewhere over the past ten years -- 1,999,984 because they couldn't find a job, a house they could afford, or adequate medical care and the other sixteen left after they were groped by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

According to the latest accident stats from the National Safety Council, kids riding with their grandparents are three times safer than riding with their parents.  That's mainly because other drivers tend to steer clear of a car whose turn signal has been on for 268 miles of straight freeway.

TUESDAY, August 16, 2011

Former president Bill Clinton surprised some of his former White House aides by endorsing New York's same-sex marriage law.  He's really matured since his Oval Office days.  He's also endorsed same-sex troubled marriage legislation.

Exxon Mobil, long holding the title of most valuable corporation in the United States, has been dropped to second place by Apple Computer.  Which explains why last week someone spotted T. Boon Pickens skimming the leaves on Steve Jobs's swimming pool.   

The prequel to "Planet of the Apes," "Rise of the Planet of the Apes," continues to rake in plenty of bananas at the box office.  The picture is gaining in popularity particularly among Reagan Republicans.  Turns out one of the leads is a the great grandson of "Bonzo."

Oceanographers are at a loss to explain an orange-colored substance that suddenly appeared on the water in the remote Alaskan harbor of Kivalina.  The same thing happened last summer on the beaches of Maui but that just turned out to be House Speaker Boehner snorkeling.

A federal court in Chicago will decide once and for all how far companies can go when claiming product superiority over a competitor.  Ball Park Hot Dogs sued Oscar Meyer for claiming their dogs contain more gristle, ground up bone fragments, animal muscle tissue and nitrates than Ball Parks.

MONDAY August 15, 2011

Thanks to high unemployment and a floundering economy, for the first time, more people are canceling cable TV subscriptions than are signing up.  Could take awhile, though.  You thought the cable installer took a long time to show up -- wait 'til you try the uninstaller.

Los Angeles laker hoop star Ron Artest has signed a contract to play for a basketball team based in London.  He's had to take a crash course in the game's pecular British terminology.  For instance, jump shots are called "lifts," a time-out is called a "Big Ben" and a third foul penalty is called a "Tower of London."

Forty-five thousand cell phone carrier workers have walked off their jobs at Verizon.  They may be ticked off at the company's treatment of them, but they haven't given up their free perks -- and they look a little silly walking a picket line holding up signs printed on their cell phone screens.

Conservative-leaning Kelsey Grammer told friends and supporters that he's considering a run for mayor of New York City.  He may be serious.  He's already earning campaign cash working as a radio call-in psychologist at WABC.

Kobe Bryant has let it be known that he's bored with the NBA lockout and would play for a Turkish team willing to pay him $1 million a month.  Kobe should be used to lockouts.  His wife locks him out of their bedroom after almost every road trip.

FRI, SAT, SUN, August 12, 13, 14, 2011

Riots continue to broil across the UK, with marauding street thugs eluding pursuing Bobbies as they shatter shop windows, topple parked cars and torch restaurants.  Granted, that's probably a health benefit, but it shouldn't be done this way.

While parents struggle to insure their kids eat healthy meals, an alarming study out of the University of Texas shows that up to 98% of school lunches made at home are too warm to eat safely by lunchtime.  Even worse, peanut butter sandwiches packed in the popular "Star Trek" Captain Kirk lunch box contained traces of radio-active isotopes.

Texas Governor Rick Perry hosted a prayer-a-thon last weekend and joined the faithful to pray for an end to world hunger, for a permanent and lasting peace, and that his Republican colleague, New Jersey's Governor Chris Christie, lose at least 50 pounds in time for the next election.

Dethroned by the Muscular Dystrophy Association as its national chairman, former host Jerry Lewis told friends he may demonstrate on the steps outside of this year's telethon and sing "You'll Never Walk Alone" so powerfully, he's hoping it will resurrect Ed McMahon.

Michelle Bachmann's husband, Marcus, runs a clinic that claims to be able to return gay people to a straight lifestyle through a careful program of therapy and counseling.  And he guarantees the patient will not lose any of his enthusiasm for Bette Midler albums or shopping at IKEA.

THURSDAY, August 11, 2011

The Disney Company posted a quarterly profit of $3.17 billion from its theme parks and resorts, up 12%.  Company analysts credit increased ticket sales, an influx of foreign tourists, and the decision to replace four of the Seven Dwarfs with non-union midgets from Wisconsin. 


Newport Beach California police are looking for a pair of bicycle thieves who disguise themselves as Ashton Kutcher and Colonel Sanders.  In the surveillance photos, it looks like the real Ashton paired with Demi Moore in a white suit.  He probably wanted to be the Colonel, but couldn't grow a goatee. 

According to a study commissioned by the CDC, the two national restaurant chains serving the most calories are Denny's and The Cheesecake Factory.  The Factory may be a slightly better bet for you calorie-counters, though.  Last week, someone spotted Denny eating lunch there.

Tiger Woods is reportedly sweating bullets over rumors that Steve Williams, his longtime caddy he recently gave the heave-ho, is scribbling a tell-all book about him.  And that can't be easy.  Ever see those itty-bitty pencils they're forced to keep score with?

According to a survey conducted each year since 1989 by the A.M.A., the best hospital in the United States is Baltimore's Johns Hopkins.  In fact, their Proctology Department is so well-known, one of their films appeared on "Let's Explore Caves!" Week on the Discovery Channel.

WEDNESDAY, August 10, 2011

The Cellar at New York City's ultra-trendy eatery Beecher's now offers a specialty martini that tastes like a grilled cheese sandwich.  And for non-Jewish martini-lovers, there's even a ham-flavored olive.

Kobe Bryant may sign to play off-season basketball in Turkey.  He hasn't actually announced that yet, but there are plenty of tip-offs. He signed a two-month lease on the penthouse at the Ankara Hilton, he has six belly-dancers on call and he's hired a diamond ring expert from Van Cleef &
Arpels as a valet.    

Bill Gates has offered $41.5 million for the designer who can come up with a better toilet.  There are some pretty interesting prototypes on the drawing board already.  One model, designed especially for young parents, features a low level potty-trainer, a slot for used diapers and a dead turtle chute.

Faced with a homeless population that's even worse than that in the U.S., a Dehli-based home builder is offering a dwelling ready for immediate occupancy that sells for $750 and can be assembled in seven days.  Terrific if you've got a week to lock together 6,387,412 Lego pieces.

Rumors are racing around the NFL that Brett Favre, on-again-off-again Green Bay QB, may be acquired by the Eagles as a backup for Michael Vick.   Probably won't happen, though, because Philadelphia coaches are wary that Farve, known to work like a dog and fight with team owners, might cause Michael to relapse.

TUESDAY, August 9, 2011

Standard & Poors stunned the U.S. financial community by downgrading the country's credit rating from AAA to AA+.  To put this in terms the average American can understand, the U.S. government -- without a co-signer like China or India --  would not qualify to borrow $300 from Payday Loans to buy a 1947 Buick.

"Cowboys & Aliens," Universal's new scifi oater currently enjoying boffo box office receipts, stars Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford as cowpokes who can't seem to shake old habits.  Craig's James Bond keeps surfacing to order a martini "stirred not shaken," and Ford is the first Old West cowboy to wear a fedora .

"Rise of the Planet of the Apes," the prequel to 1968's "Planet of the Apes," grossed a respectable $54 million, sailing past the Jason Batman pablum-fest, "The Chang Up."  Industry insiders credited the simian cinema's strength to improved special effects, audience hunger for a summer hit, and the absence of Charlston Heston.

The City fathers of Los Angeles have come up with an ambitious plan to build a multi-million dollar new football stadium with a retractable roof.  Designed to look like a giant Roach Motel, top NFL draft choices will be lured inside by Hollywood starlets where they'll quickly become immobilized on the sticky floor until they agree to play in Los Angeles.

Fans of Lucille Ball flocked to her hometown of Jamestown, New York to celebrate the redhead's 100th birthday at a five-day festival.  In Havana, Fidel Castro marked the event by naming Dezi Arnaz Cuba's most famous favorite son.

MONDAY, August 8, 2011

The Board of Directors of the Muscular Dystrophy Association removed Jerry Lewis as their national director after 45 years.  Some thought the way they notified him was a tad unfeeling -- a six-word telegram that said "From now on you're walking alone."

To help smooth the transition of military personnel re-entering civilian life, President Obama has proposed a "boot camp" to reacclimate the former GIs.  Included in the training would be reveille at 8am to encourage sleeping in, two-block marches walking the family dog and finger calisthenics operating the TV remote.

This year marks the 100th anniversary of the famous Rolls-Royce hood ornament, "Spirit of Ecstasy."  According to legend, it's the Greek god Venus pursuing Atlas.  Actually, she's glancing back at the driver with a look that says "What kind of idiot would pay this much for a car that gets such lousy gas mileage?" 

Texas governor Rick Perry hosted an evangelical answer to the country's problems at Houston's Reliant Stadium with an event he called "Prayer-0-Palooza," featuring sermons, hymns and spiritual enlightenment.  Highlight was when Lady Gaga came out and turned her dress into loaves and fishes.

McDonald officials in Beijing announced they'll open one new restaurant a day over the next four years.  All 1420 restaurants will feature a culture-friendly menu more in tune with China's culinary history -- Kung Pao Chicken McNuggets, Moo Shoo McPork and Peking McDuck.

FRI, SAT, SUN, August 5 ,6 ,7 2011

Old time politicians are comparing New Jersey's 250-pound governor Chris Christie to Grover Cleveland, the porkiest president in U.S. history.  Christie is so fat, when he flies he has to buy two seats and pay for the extra power it takes the TSA x-ray machine to see through him.

Police were summoned to Wall Street when three performance artists removed their clothes to protest the behavior of stock manipulators.  Nonetheless, before the cops showed up one of the brokers somehow managed to pick the pocket of one of them.

After serving a two year sentence for brandishing a firearm in a nightclub and shooting himself in the leg, NFL wide receiver Plaxico Burress has signed with the New York Jets.  His first day back, one of the wiseacre trainers pulled a practical joke on him and sewed his prison number across the back of his jersey.

Chinese physicists have completed a study that concluded that time travel, either into the past or the future, is impossible.   The findings were based on formulas confirming the speed of light, principals derived from the laws of quantum physics and the ancient Chinese admonition "No tickee, no laundry!"

President Obama may order a stop to the recall of 36 million pounds of ground turkey found to contain salmonella.  Makes sense. He's been advised that the expense of slaughtering this year's White House Thanksgiving turkey could be avoided by simply allowing the disease to run its course.

THURSDAY, August 4, 2011

A Mississippi dad was cited by police when they discovered he had allowed his eight-year old son to drive the family car for more than forty miles on a major interstate.  The father told police he was putting safety first -- the boy was the only one in the vehicle wearing shoes.

Now that NFL owners and players have reached an agreement, training camps are back in full swing.  And not a moment too soon.  Apparently a lot of players spent their time during the lockout pounding down the Big Macs -- eight out of ten wide receivers now are. 

America's largest clothing chain, the Gap, is making an all out effort to redefine its image after failing to post a profit since 2005.  A recent survey showed the brand is viewed unfavorably when compared to its closest competitors Old Navy and Banana Republic.  Even worse, it ranks below a real banana republic -- El Salvador.   

One of the provisions in the newly-ratified agreement between NFL players and owners is an "educational outreach program."  The players will return to their colleges on alumni day and apologize to their classmates who had to actually
attend classes to earn their degree.

Long thought to be the result of a shrinking population, the exodus of nude Germans sunbathers at formerly popular Baltic seaports has finally been explained.  The Germans haven't given up nude sunbathing -- they just decided to invade the beaches in Poland.

WEDNESDAY, August 3, 2011

While sightseeing in Monaco, three blonds (one driving) crashed their $363,000 Bentley Azure into the rear of a $91,000 Mercedes-Benz S Class which then careened into a $186,000 Ferrari F430 which then clipped a 4-door
$228,000 Aston Martin Rapide which came to rest on the hood of a stray $77,000 Porche 911.  With that much damage, it would be pointless to call Triple A, right?  So the blonds did the next logical thing -- they called
Quadruple A.

The New England Patriots are so thrilled to have acquired the experienced (and some fear a bit over-the-hill) Chad Ochocinco from the Cincinnati Bengals, they have already set aside an entire day in his honor.  They're calling it
"Ochocinco de Mayo."

Lady Gaga is reported to be very excited that her book of photographs taken on tour is scheduled for worldwide publication in November.  According to her publisher, Grand Central Publishing, the book will offer fans plenty of
beefcake -- and that's just her wardrobe.

Herbarists from the Chinese Academy of Sciences in Shenyang discovered the largest mushroom ever recorded -- a giant half-ton fungus four city blocks long.  Investigation revealed that it was grown by Tim Burton for the teacup scene in "Alice in Wonderland" and left behind by the Disney film crew.   

Ford recalled 1.2 million F-150 pick-up trucks after reports that their fuel tanks were falling off.  Also, several instances have been reported where the gun rack in the cab worked loose and accidentally discharged the deer rifle which exploded the six-pack sitting beside the driver.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 2, 2011

A young female shopper in Pendleton, Oregon was taking advantage of Wal-Mart's "Back-to-School" sale when security personnel tactfully asked her to don a T-shirt over her barely effective bikini top.  She finally agreed to don the T-shirt, but not before the greeter conducted a three-hour interrogation.

That 22-year old former Playboy Bunny who got cold feet and left Hugh Hefner stranded at the altar last month will nonetheless collect a sizable settlement from Mr. Hefner.  An unlucky break for Hef, but his lawyers' hands are tied.  It's all spelled out very clearly in the pre-autopsy agreement.

President Obama has unveiled new fuel efficiency standards for cars and light trucks.  He's also predicting that the housing market will rebound and average people will again be able to afford their own homes.  Unfortunately, they'll be those same cars and light trucks.

Wal-Mart has announced that it will begin streaming live on its web site, walmart.com.  It's kind of an educational site.  Now you can learn how Wal-Mart stock clerks unload the cargo containers from China.

Greenway University, advertised as the first college equipped to teach the cultivation and harvesting of cannabis for medicinal purposes, has been ordered to close its doors.  It really wasn't the first, though.  That honor goes to Texas A&M -- Acid and Marijuana.