WEDNESDAY, October 31, 2012

MONSTER'S BALL -- The annual Penn State Pen, convict-sponsored Halloween Show was extra special this year.  Most popular among the general population was the Jerry Sandusky costume -- except for Jerry himself.  He went as the D.A. who prosecuted him.
 

MICK'S MIX -- The Rolling Stones will celebrate fifty years of rock 'n' Roll dominance with concerts in London and new York City.   Five decades of wear and tear have taken their toll.  Sharp-eyed fans may notice that their electric guitars now have a pacemaker app.
 

FOR THOSE WHO THINK YOUNG -- Word's out that Bravo is developing a reality series based on the war for cola drinkers waged between Pepsi and Coca-Cola in the 1980s.  It's fashioned after early TV's quasi-sports game shows -- it's called "Belching For Dollars."
 

ATLAS SHRUGS -- Garnering icy critics' comments from "a muddled mess" to "a confusing mishmash" to "disappointing," the Tom Hanks-Halle Berry time-shifting starrer "Cloud Atlas" has died-in-the wool Hanks fans longing for the days when Tom was satisfied  just falling in love with a soccer ball.
 

LIFETIME SUPPLY -- In Rio De Janero, 61-year old Leticia Rovati Asti, gave birth to twin girls.  Wow.  Those three will go through so many Pampers, the company has already hired mom and the kids to wave to the crowd from their Marti Gras float.  

Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved 
 

TUESDAY, October 30, 2012

ALL AROUND THE TOWN -- New York City was slammed by a "Bliz-za-Cane" that shut down the Stock Exchange,  the subway system and all Broadway shows.   The 80-mile-per hour winds were strong enough to wear off words carved in marble.  The inscription on Lady Liberty's statue now reads "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to be dry..."
 
 

NATIONAL VELVET -- According to “Elizabeth Taylor: There Is Nothing Like a Dame,” a new biography by Darwin Porter and Danforth Prince, Liz had a teen-age affair with 36-year old Ronald Reagan.  And he had a way with words even then.  He promised her a night of Sealy calisthenics followed by "a new morning in Beverly Hills." 

MAID'S DAY OFF -- Arnold Schwarzenegger, even at 65, will reprise his role of 1982's "Conan the Barbarian" which launched his film career.   With accommodations for his "maturity," of course.  For instance, instead of raping and pillaging, he rapes and searches for restaurants with an "Early Bird" menu.   
 

JOB INTERVIEW -- The bad news:  In Los Angeles, a 72-year old woman plowed her BMW sedan through the front doors of a Target store injuring herself and two shoppers.  The good news:  She looked so natural lying in the doorway they hired her as a greeter as soon as the cast comes off.   

 

GENETIC HISTRIONICS -- The billionaires and corporations sympathetic to Big Ag's all-out campaign to defeat California's Proposition 37 that would require labeling genetically-altered foods have even stooped to defacing one of America's most beloved icons.  In one ad, they show Charlie the Tuna with bolts protruding from his gills.

Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

SUN, MON, October 28, 29, 2012

FUGGETABOUTIT -- According to a panel of leading nutritionists, the average driver could save $396 per year on fuel costs by shedding 100 pounds.  How did they determine this?  Well, they tested Mafia drivers with and without a female body in the trunk.
 
 

VIVA LA VIN -- Harvard Med researchers found that the chemical "restueratrol" found in red wine may extend life. They stumbled on this after several extraordinarily healthy mice were discovered living on $2 Buck Chuck Merlot at Trader Joe's.
 

ULTIMATE D -- LG has introduced its 84-inch Ultra HD TV that guarantees four times the resolution of ordinary HD.  At $20,000 a pop, it may be a tough sell, though.  Wouldn't it be cheaper to hire the actors to perform the show in your living room?
 

BABALOO -- To dispel persistent rumors that he is on death's door, Fidel Castro went on Cuban TV dressed in a baseball uniform.  In a related story, Dick Cheney appeared on Animal Planet dressed in hunting togs and carrying a new Winchester 30-30. 
 

QUICK FIX -- According to a study conducted by Pew Research, 68% of Americans consider the microwave oven a necessity.  Turns out these are the same people who believe that "Cut Along Dotted Line and Fold Back" is a recipe.

Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

FRI, SAT, October 26, 27, 2012

FOX HOLE CHIC -- Indicative of the Army's new fem-friendly attitude, Kevlar body armor designed for combat wear is now available for women.  The vests come in three sizes "Petite," "Regular," and "Full-Figured Warrior."

GEEK GEAR -- According to initial reports, Microsoft's new operating system Windows 8 due out next week is overly complex and won't make non-techies happy.  One nice touch, though.  At log off, Bill Gates comes on the screen and apologizes.
 

SURF 'N' TURF -- With a four-cylinder, BMW engine, the $40,000 Quadski is the first all-terrain, land-water jet ski to become commercially available.  Which came as great news to Lindsay Lohan.  Finally, she can move to Malibu.
 

BACK TO BASICS -- In San Jose, CA, Apple VP Phil Schiller introduced the new $329, 9.7 inch I-Pad mini that's, he announced proudly, "as light as a piece of paper and as thin as a pencil."  To which the audience responded, "What's paper?...  What's a pencil?"    
 

INSUBORDINATION -- William Shatner confessed to reporters at the Star Trek Convention that he never realized how much his fellow actors despised him.  True.  In fact, they now confirm that whenever Captain Kirk asked Scotty to beam him up,  Scotty always murmured under his breath "Beam this up, Ball Sack." 

Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

THURSDAY, October 26, 2012

STIRRED, NOT SHAKEN -- Over the past fifty years, James Bond has managed to kill kill 350 villains from Blofeld to Goldfinger.  Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Pierce Brosnan, Timothy Dalton and Daniel Craig all killed them in the usual way --  George Lassenby dispatched them by threatening to make another Bond movie.

 
 

TRAMPOLINE AND MEAN -- In an effort to reduce accidents, the American Academy of Pediatrics advises school officials to consider cheer leading a sport.  In addition, they recommend that sale of batons be subject to the same federal restrictions as firearms.
 

SIGN HERE -- Anticipating an expected 6% increase in Holiday deliveries, UPS  will hire 55,000 temporary seasonal workers to serve as driver-helpers, package sorters, loaders or unloaders.  This may not mean much to you, but to manufacturers of brown shorts, it's like manna from heaven.
 
 

MILD-MANNERED -- Action Comics has announced that Clark Kent is no longer a reporter at the Daily Planet, having resigned last week. Can't blame him for putting his journalistic career first and recognizing the death of print media.  He's accepted an offer from Newsweek.

 
 

SLEEPING IN -- In Lille, France, a skeletal remains of a man who had died in 1997 was found, untouched, still lying in his bed.  Curious local gendarmes inquired as to why his mailman hadn't noticed something was amiss.  They discovered the mailman had been in bed since 1996.

 

Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved 

WEDNESDAY, October 24, 2012

SILENT NIGHT -- This Christmas marks the 85th anniversary of the Radio City Rockettes.  Of course, their repertoire has changed some over the years with numbers like "Deck the Halls With Boughs of Catheters," "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Osteoporosis," and "Shuffling in a Winter Wonderland." 
 
 

SAY CHEESE BALL -- A hidden trail camera near Phoenix, AZ caught a shot of a rare species of jaguar which according to the Arizona Game and Fish Department is the only western hemisphere cat able to roar like a lion.  Unless, of course, you count Joy Behar on "The View."
 
 

CORK IT -- This year's drought in Europe has resulted  in the worst wine grape harvest since 1962.  It's so bad, wine snobs throughout France's Bordeaux Region are actually attending wine-and-cheese tasting parties for the cheese.   
 

TUMMY TUCK -- A man living near Beijing required surgery to remove an inflatable sex toy from his lower intestine.  He told doctors that, while drunk, he ate his girlfriend thinking she was undercooked calamari.
 

PUDDING PROOF -- Surrey, England seven-year old prodigy Alma Deutscher not only reads music and plays piano, violin and cello, but she has written her first opera entitled "The Sweeper of Dreams" which has critics raving.  But you know what they say -- "The Opera Isn't Over Until the 7-Year-old Prodigy Sings."

Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

TUES., October 23, 2012

WEAK WEEK -- Disney parks will soon offer "Limited Time Magic" themes "designed to surprise" regular patrons  -- like "Reasonable Admission Prices Week," "Souvenirs You Can Afford Week," "Meet Mickey Whose Breath Doesn't Reek of Cheap Muscatel Week" ... 

SHOWER POWER -- Freshman convict Jerry Sandusky is being isolated  from anyone whom the guards believe might try to harm him.  And, of course, he's being kept away from the younger inmates.  They're really not taking any chances.  He's not even allowed to use Absorbine, Jr.

COIN OPERATED -- Hundreds of solid gold Roman coins dating to the fifth century were found buried in a Hertfordshire, England flower garden.  Their authenticity is beyond question -- with the possible exception of the two with portraits of Liz and Dick.

G'DAY MATE -- Sharp-eyed passengers on an Air Canada flight bound for Sydney, Australia  spotted a disabled yacht adrift in the ocean below and alerted  the Aussie Coast Guard.  Lucky it wasn't an American flight.   Ever try to look out the window when your seat is flying around the cabin?

GOT THE MESSAGE -- After 30 years of faithful service, Wendy's little girl trademark is being modernized to, according to the ad agency,"make her more contemporary."  She still has the freckles and straight-out pig-tails but now she's shown texting while driving.

Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

SUN, MON, October 21, 22, 2012

WAMPUM -- The Catholic Church has named their first American-Indian saint, Kateri Tekakwitha, known as the "Lily of the Mohawks," who lived in the 1600s.  When Pope Benedict XVI announced her canonization, white smoke signals rose over the Vatican.

GIMME A "J" -- A Texas judge ruled that high school cheerleaders can incorporate bible references in their routines.  Within reason, of course.  For instance, not allowed would be urging your team to turn their opponents into pillars of salt or ending a pyramid by walking on Gatorade. 

BICYCLE CHAIN REACTION -- Lance Armstrong resigned as chairman of his charitable foundation while Nike was terminating his lucrative endorsement contract.  Nike should have suspected something earlier.  Every time Lance shot up, their wedge logo suddenly got thicker and stronger.

THE CAT'S MEOW -- Two cathouses in Larissa, Greece, are sponsoring a popular amateur soccer team.  While their opponents are none too happy, the guys are ecstatic.  When Gatorade sponsored them they got free Gatorade, when sponsored by Staples they got free office supplies, when...   

TOE TAPPERS -- A pair of green and pink silk slippers once owned by French Queen Marie Antoinette sold at auction in Paris for $65,000.  And they're definitely the Queen's.  DNA analysis revealed minute traces of the cake she once let her starving subjects eat.

Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

FRI, SAT, October 19, 20, 2012

SEVEN COME ELEVEN -- A former clerk for the Catholic Archdiocese of New York was convicted of grand theft for stealing over $1 million from her employer.  How did she make off with that much loot?  Frankly, Bunco Squad detectives were astounded -- they never suspected that Bingo balls could be loaded.   

IT'S A BIRD... IT'S A PLANE -- In Cleveland, Ohio, a permanent exhibit honoring Superman, created there 75 years ago, has been dedicated.  With a few updates, of course.  With booths replaced by cell phones, this Superman has to change his clothes in an Andy Gump. 

WIDE WORLD -- Ten thousand athletes from all 50 states and 22 foreign countries have gathered at St. John, Utah for the Huntsman World Senior Games.  Similar to the Olympics.  Well, kind of.  Events include the 400-meter IV relay, the Cane Vault, and -- always a crowd favorite -- the Hop, Skip and Shuffle.     

 
HAVE A WORD? -- According to the BBC,  Americans have, thanks to the recent Olympics, adopted thirty more "Britishisms," including "bloody," "cheeky," "fancy," "knickers," "loo," "mate," "queue," "shag," and "wonky."  Still on the cusp but gaining in popularity is "Prince Willie," meaning "to shoot billiards without clothes."

BREWSKI -- Russian President Dmitry Medvedev has signed a bill that officially classifies beer as alcoholic.  Until now anything containing less than 10% alcohol has been considered a foodstuff. Alcoholism has become so rampant in the former Soviet Union there are more than 20 Betty Fordski Clinics in and around Moscow.

Contents copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved