THURSDAY, January 17, 2013

GATE CRASHING -- All-time base hit leader and Hall of Fame shutout Pete Rose has launched a new six-part reality series on TLC.  In the opener, a tribute to disgraced athletes, baseball's perennial bad boy tries to sneak into the Hall of Fame with guest stars Michael Vick and Barry Bonds disguised as Lance Armstrong, Tiger Woods and Roger Clemens. 

A FEW THIN MEN -- Vowing to defeat obesity, Army recruiters now reject applicants carrying excess pounds and enlisted men  are separated for failing to meet the new weight standards.  The rule threatens to revolutionize modern warfare as we've known it.  Every foxhole now has a sign next to it with a silhouette that says "You must be this thin to enter."

CAN YOU SAY "BULLETS"? -- The assault weapons debate is already having an effect on non-firearm industries.  Even big businesses are seeking to distance themselves from the NRA by projecting a less strident, more warm and fuzzy image.  For instance, the Winchester Cathedral has applied to change its name to the Sesame Street Chapel. 

HOT SWEAT SHOP -- Smog is a worldwide problem, but here's how bad it's become in Beijing, China.  Last month, a factory fire actually went unnoticed for five hours because no one spotted the smoke.  Along with the building, over 20,000 newly-assembled I-Pads melted.  Okay, you're right -- Apple has insurance, but still...

SENIOR SUSHI -- Japan is facing a serious baby shortage that threatens the country's long term economy.  For the first time, births outnumber deaths and the makers of baby products are struggling to stay afloat.  It's gotten so bad over there, with the Red Lobster's Early Bird Dinner, you get a bib and a Pamper. 

(Contents Copyright (c) 2013 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved)

Bob and Danny Thomas
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Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.