TUESDAY, June 19, 2012

TIGER BALMED -- Twenty-six year old Scott Simpson won the U.S. Open at San Francisco’s quirky Olympic Club with a 281 after Jim Furyk started the day six shots ahead of Simpson but hooked his tee shot at 16 and skulled a bunker shot on 18 like a weekend hacker to finish with a birdie-less 74.  Meanwhile Tiger Woods, brilliant during the week, imploded on the weekend finishing seven back.  Afterwards, he blamed the difficult greens, the weather, and residual chronic bimbo fatigue.

NO MSG -- Chinese Air Force major Liu Yang has become China’s first female astronaut as she was launched from the Jiuquan spaceport in the Gobi Desert aboard the Shenzhou-9 which will dock with Tiangong Space Lab.  Her presence on the flight was immediately felt by her two male colleagues as she rearranged the furniture on the flight deck, stowed the beer dispenser and replaced the “NASCAR” themed drapes with a more tasteful beige.

GLEN SCARY GLEN CROSS -- Former Fox News host Glen Beck told an audience at the Faith and Freedom Coalition Conference in Washington, DC that he will produce a sitcom based on conservative family values to challenge the success of “Glee,” the ABC teen-com which he claims promotes sexuality and promiscuity with a backdrop of “Lee Greenwood music.”  The bombastic bloviator refused to confirm or deny rumors that he's considering Bristol Palin for a key role. 

COCKTAIL FOR TWO -- According to a report from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration,  highly aggressive and cannibalistic  Asian Tiger Shrimp are now turning up along the Gulf of Mexico.  The foot-long predators who victimize indigenous bottom-feeding sea creatures are believed to have been introduced in Florida since they attack homeless sea life by eating their faces off.  

COCKPIT STOP -- Clayton F. Osbon, the Jet Blue pilot who terrorized passengers on a flight from New York to Las Vegas by running up and down the aisle yelling “We’re going down! We’re going down!” and had to be restrained by fellow crew members and several passengers, has been ordered to stand trial by an Amarillo, Texas judge on charges of interfering with a flight crew.  He faces 20 years in prison.  May be hard to find an impartial jury, though.  Amarillo has the only jury room in the nation with a no-host bar.



Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

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