FRI, SAT, SUN, June 29, 30, July 1, 2012

6-29-2012
GAVEL GRINDERS -- Stunned court watchers stood dumbfounded when Chief Justice Roberts announced that the Supreme Court in a 5-4 decision was upholding the constitutionality of Barack Obama’s centerpiece legislation, the Affordable Health Care Act.  Finding that the insurance coverage is a tax and not an intrusion on personal rights,  the Chief Justice was joined Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Steven Bryer, Sonia Sotomayer and Elena Kagan.  Dissenting were Anthony Kennedy, Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito and Antonin Scalia who went even further, ruling that Adam Sandler should never be allowed to make another movie. 

Ann (shown here on right) with Katie Couric and Matt Lauer.

PINK SLIP SHOWING -- NBC gave morning chat maven Ann Curry the old heave-ho after concluding that she and Matt Lauer had about as much chemistry as Letterman and  Leno.  But not to worry because Today alumna Barbara Walters immediately offered Ann a job paneling “The View” -- providing, that is, Ann is willing to undergo eight weeks of tongue-to-gum combat training at the Marine Corps’ Camp Lejeune.

SYSTEM FAILURE – A recent study by the American Medical Association found that 83% of Americans who can’t afford health insurance would qualify for psychiatric treatment if they had it.  Leading causes of their mental illnesses are job stress, marital difficulties and worry over not having health insurance.
 





HERE'S A HOLIDAY IDEA:  With the Fourth of July quickly approaching, why not forward this issue of Dr. Digit to a patriotic friend as a gesture of good-will?   It's the gift that keeps on giving laughter and joy... 

PRE-QUALIFIED -- New York’s Bedford-Stuyvesent High School which boasts grads such as James Cagney, Attorney General Eric Holder and Tim Robbins has been rocked by the biggest cheating scandal in its history.  A student was caught texting answers to friends taking their state Regents exams.  None of the guilty students will be allowed to graduate, but that’s just as well.  They’d have to take time off from their new jobs on Wall Street.    

SALAD DAZE -- According to an article in the Journal Nature, fossels uncovered in South Africa in 2008 included teeth of a 2 million-year-old “southern Ape” which indicated that the creature, believed to be a possible ancestor of man, subsisted solely on a diet of leaves and bark.  To put this discovery is contemporary terms, imagine attending Thanksgiving dinner at Martha Stewart’s house and eating her centerpiece. 

THOSE WERE THE DAYS -- Bob Hope with his writers backstage at NBC around 1983. (Clockwise left to right) Seaman Jacobs, Martha Bolton, Gene Perret, Your Humble Servant, Jeffrey Barron and what’s his name.  This was the A Team that remained with Hope until the early nineties.  

  

THE LAUGH MAKERS is available from Amazon.com, Barnes&Noble.com, Kindle.com and in an audible version read by the author at Audible.com.



Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

 

THURSDAY, June 28, 2012

6-28-2012 (THUR)

RACQUET RACKET -- The International Tennis Federation has green-lighted development of a "grunt-o-meter" to measure the volume levels of lady tennis stars like Maria Sharapova and Victoria Azeranka who will now be penalized for excessive grunting.  Inspiration for the new device is the "Babble Blaster" developed by Button-Your-Lip Industries, Inc. for network executives at ABC to control cast members of "The View."

SCOUT'S HONOR -- Savannah, Georgia is the site of a week-long celebration marking the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts of America, founded by Savannah resident Juliette Gordon Low.  Hate to be the one to tell them this but Juliette was really Betty Crocker who thought the group would provide the perfect cover to sell cookies.

OH, GIVE ME A HOME -- On the Fourth of July, residents of Wichita, Kansas will gather on the banks of Beaver Creek to salute the 140th anniversary of "Home on the Range," written by Brewster Higley who was inspired by a nearby cabin.  During the festivities, buffalo will be allowed to roam while deer and antelope play, and anyone uttering a discouraging word will be subject to arrest.


 
SWIPING SCHWINNS -- To curb a rash of bicycle thefts on the University of Nebraska campus, police equipped "bait bikes" with GPS devices to track the thieves.  Embarrassed officials admit that, while they've recovered all the stolen bikes, now the GPS devices are missing.

GRRRRREAT! -- Renegade breakfast cereal manufacturer, Malt-O-Meal, is causing headaches at Kelloggs, Post and General Mills by producing knockoffs of popular cereals at 25% lower prices.  Biggest sellers are “Tootie Fruities,” "Honey Nut Scooters,” and “Marshmallow Mateys.”  However, their “Fructose-Coated Sandusky Showers O' Oats” have somehow failed to catch on. 

                          YouTube VIDEO of the DAY

WHERE'S THE MONEY? -- In 1978, Bob Hope taped an NBC special honoring the World Series.  Here, he recruits Kermit to pitch for his team the Cleveland Indians (He once owned a piece of the team).  Enter Miss Piggy as Kermit's agent who proceeds to negotiate her client out of baseball.  This is one adorable clip.

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Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

 

WEDNESDAY, June 27, 2012

6-27-2012

PEAK HOURS -- Dubbed “breastaurants” in the knife and fork trade, “Hooters” like restaurants are booming as never before.  With names like “The Tilted Kilt,” “Twin Peaks,” and “Mugs and Jugs,” the eateries offer varied menus like Shepard’s Pie and “Irish Nachos.”  Receipts from the mostly male clientele are up a whopping 33% over last year.  Thirty-three percent – let’s see – that works out to about three guys per… well, you do the math.

Left to right: Melanie Brown, Melanie Chisholm, writer Jennifer Saunders, Geri Halliwell, producer Judy Craymer, Emma Bunton and Victoria Beckham

RE-RACKED -- Once the toast of 1990’s pop, The Spice Girls reunited briefly this week to help promote a new West End show scheduled to open at London’s Picadilly Theater in December called “Viva Forever!”  The musical is the idea of “Mamma Mia” producer Judy Craymer and features the group’s hit songs.  The title is actually new.  Originally, the show was to be called “Babies, Stretch Marks and Soccer Players,” but David Beckham threatened to sue.  

 

CATCHING THE GOLD RING -- A woman in Coon Rapids, Minnesota bought a pair of second-hand slacks for $3 at a Goodwill recycling center and when she arrived home found a $5,000 diamond ring in one of the pockets.  A true Good Samaritan, fifty-three year old Deb Thompson is doing everything she can to locate the rightful owner of the valuable ring – or, as Mrs. Kobe Bryant would call it, “costume jewelry.”

SHELL GAME -- A Pinta Island tortoise nicknamed “Lonesome George,” believed to be the last surviving member of his subspecies, has died in the Galapagos Islands at age 100.  For decades, environmentalists tried to get him to reproduce with females from a similar subspecies but failed making George the most endangered animal in the world.  Actually, there may be another one who survives, but so far Larry King has refused to provide a DNA sample.

       DOWN MEMORY'S DIAMOND LANE

BEACH COMBERS -- Fellow writer Gene Perret and I struggle to come up with a line for a song being shot on the beach for a Hope special taped in Waikiki.   We weren’t used to working in front of an audience and it shows; we look like we’re trying to translate the Dead Sea Scrolls. Despite my Hawaii Five-0 ball cap, I don’t seem to have the cool confidence that was Steve McGarret’s trademark. The line we came up with resulted in a rare instance of gag writers getting applause.  

Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

TUESDAY, June 26, 2012

6-26-2012

UNHAPPY GILMORE -- If gross box office receipts and national reviews are to be believed, Adam Sandler’s “That’s My Boy” may well be the worst movie of all time.  In fact, it’s so rotten, industry analysts are predicting that Sandler may never be allowed to produce another film.  He may have to revive his “Wedding Singer” character – not the movie, in real life just to get by.

PEANUTS AND CRACKERJACK -- The San Francisco Giants once awe-inspiring starter Tim Lincecum is currently languishing in one of the worst pitching slumps in recent MLB history.  The '08 and '09 Cy Young winner has gone 3 and 8 with a dismal 6.19 ERA.  Tim's not superstitious, but the signs are there.  Last time he was sent to the showers, he glanced down and noticed his non-skid bathmat had Jerry Sandusky's name embossed on it.

CATCH AND RELEASE -- Fish and Game officials in Chatham, Massachusetts have detected transmitter signals on several Great White sharks they tagged last summer.  Extensive GPS data collected show that, since last year the tagged sharks returned to the northern coast of Australia, found mates, and attended the American Bar Association Convention in New Orleans.

CARDIO FOR $300 ALEC -- Longtime “Jeopardy” host Alec Trebek was rushed to Cedars-Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles with symptoms of a mild heart attack.  Took the docs about three hours to admit him, having to put all their questions in the form of an answer.

 

 

ALL RIGHTY THEN -- Longing for the halcyon days of “Ace Ventura,” “The Mask,” and “Dumb & Dumber,” Jim Carrey has put his five-bedroom Malibu Colony mansion up for sale at $13.9 million.  He’s finding out that paying a household staff of thirty-eight takes more than just being able to do a dead-on impression of a Hollywood movie star able to churn out hit-after-hit. 



           DOWN MEMORY'S DIAMOND LANE 

OUCH -- It's June, 1979 and here Bob Hope and I are comparing war wounds — actually, our reaction to the myriad shots we had to get before departing for the Orient. In 1979, China required inoculations against everything from chicken pox to restless leg syndrome so we all reported to a doctor in Hollywood who gave us a group rate. I just wish he hadn’t used the same needle. Today, no shots are required to visit China. I guess we’ve gotten healthier.  

                                          http://funnymanchuck.biz/letshavefunclub/




Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

MONDAY, June 25, 2012

6-25-2012
WISH YOU WERE HERE -- Facebook has released the list of subscribers' favorite "check-in" sites that has New York's Times Square in first place, followed closely by Chicago's Wrigley Field, San Francisco's Giants Stadium and LA's Staples Center.  Tied for least favorite are Lindsay Lohan's car rental agency and the Penn State shower room. 

NO FEATHERS -- Tampa Bay reliever Joel Peralta received an eight game suspension from the Commissioner of Baseball after he was caught using pine tar on his glove during a game with the Nationals in Washington, D.C.  May have given him the idea for the excuse he gave the umpire -- "I can not tell a lie.  I cut down a pine tree and it bled all aver me."

KINGSTON TRIO -- In an effort to cut down on private cars at Boston's Logan International Airport, air passengers who ride the Silver line Bus into the city will pay nothing through September.  The free shuttle program, called "On Us," is dedicated to "the man who may ride forever 'neath the streets of Boston... the man who'll never return." 

 

 

NO MSG IN THE LPGA -- Beijing's Shan Feng has become the first female professional golfer from China to win on the LPGA Tour.  She's the only female on the tour allowed to use more than one caddy.  Thanks to an exemption granted by the Chinese government, she's allowed to use a gang of four.

HOUDINI CENTRAL -- After installing "escape-proof" locks on all the cells at Atlanta's Fulton County Jail, the chief jailer offered a free catered gourmet dinner to any inmate able to pick his lock.  The winner will be given his prize as soon as the guards find him.


 





            DOWN MEMORY'S DIAMOND LANE

BOOK HIM, DANNO! -- We're in Waikiki in 1981 where Hope delivered his monologue in an outdoor arena before an audience of tourists and locals who had been anxiously awaiting his arrival.  I spotted Jack Lord sitting about five rows back and as a longtime fan of Hawaii Five-0, I couldn't resist asking him to sign my script.  (Notice my Five-0 ball cap.) In 2010, CBS brought back the show with Alex O'Loughlin as Steve's son who now heads the elite unit along with Scott Caan as Danno and Daniel Dae Kim as Kano. 

Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills   All Rights Reserved

FRI, SAT, SUN, June 22, 23, 24, 2012

 

6-22-2012
COO CHI COO CHI -- After being closed for ninety years, a grass hut memorial to Treasure Island author Robert Louis Stevenson who spent six months living in a hut on Waikiki was restored and reopened in Honolulu and is now open to tourists.  Hosting the event was Hawaii resident Charo who blew a lusty rendition of "Goin' Back to My Little Grass Shack" on her giant conch shells.
 

TREAD NOT -- According to data collected by the European Commission, nearly one third of Brits engage in no physical activity of any kind, making them even more sedentary than their neighbors in Denmark and Ireland.  Turns out, it's not dentists that the Brits avoid like the plague, it's that miserable walk from the car to the chair.

TEA FOR TWO -- Scheduled to open in the fall near Seattle, Starbucks first Tazo Tea Shop will offer more than 80 varieties of loose leaf tea, tea Lattes and iced teas, all expertly mixed by a "tea partner."  In keeping with the company's well-known coffee marketing strategy, Tazo will provide the leaves for free but the cup of hot water will set you back $7.49.

DE-FRIENDING FACEBOOK -- Teens across the nation are bailing out of Facebook in droves and setting up shop at niche sites that offer them better browsing and more personal contacts like YPulse, Pinterest, Tumblr and Instagram.  Aside from the other advantages, teens report that the sites are easier to access while driving.

DELAWARE PUNCH -- Adopting one of the toughest slow driving laws in the nation, the state of Delaware has enacted a measure that will impose stiff fines on motorists who hog the middle or fast lane while driving below the speed limit.  In addition, if the slow poke also has his or her turn signal activated for no apparent reason, the fine climbs to $25 per flash.

                                         Join Chuck McCann's "Let's Have Fun Club"!
                                                http://funnymanchuck.biz/letshavefunclub/                 

                         Visit Bob Hope's Rare Exclusive "BOB HOPE SHOW" Photo Gallery!
                                                    http://bobhopeshowbackstage.weebly.com

Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

THURSDAY, June 21, 2012

6-21-2012
A West Bank gun club offers an “exciting program geared to teach anti-terrorism tactics."  With Israeli Army instructors, the two-hour course covers weapons handling, hostage negotiation and self-defense.  It's all very realistic. For instance, they simulate torture by making the students sit through Adam Sandler's "That's My Boy."

Wielding a long pole, a Chinese duck farmer in Taizhou Zhejiang halted traffic along a half mile route to a local feeding pond when he decided to take all 5,000 members of his flock out to lunch.  According to observers nearby, not one of the ordered Peking Duck.




 

Forbes Magazine named Gisele Bundchen the world’s highest paid model, making $45 Million a yea rin the designer rags and say cheese industry.  And you thought Kobe beef was expensive.  If models were valued the same way, Gisele would cost $500,000 a pound.

Amid cries of "Racism!", Adidas has pulled its controversial new line of sneakers called JS Roundhouse Mids which featured chains of orange plastic and ankle straps that resemble shackles.  Canceling their planned August debut, a company spokesman denied the design was was intended to be reminiscent of slavery.  The cancellation recalled the company's 1989 decision to scrap their "Uncle Tom's Cabin" ice skates.

Twenty-year old hypnotist Maxime Nadeau, giving a demonstration at Quebec’s College du Sacre-Couer private school, was unable to revive four 12 and 13-year old girls he had put under and, after trying for several hours, had to call his trainer to break their trance.  Even the trainer had no luck until he called Justin Beiber for advice.

                         http://funnymanchuck.biz/letshavefunclub/

  Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved