NEW YEAR'S DAY, January 1, 2013

ROUND TABLED -- Amongst her year-end awards and honors, Queen Elizabeth II conferred a Knighthood on Scotland Yard Chief Inspector Bernard Hogan-Howe and named MI5 Chief Jonathan Evans a Knight Commander of the Order of Bath.  Can't blame her.  When you have a loose cannon in the family like Prince Harry, it pays to stay on good terms with the cops.
 

DECLAWED -- In a sport once dominated by American Tiger Woods, European golfers excelled tee-to-green in 2012 capturing The U.S. Open, the Masters, the PGA Championship and the Ryder Cup.  Tiger does deserve an honorable mention, though, for avoiding emergency sutures on Thanksgiving with ex-wife, Elin. 

THRICE NICE -- A team of UC Riverside researchers determined that kids who performed three "acts of kindness" a week were treated markedly better by their peers.  The kind acts ranged from sharing lunch items with classmates, performing household chores and, in the case of the Hollywood kids, running lines with their actor parents on alternate visitation weekends.

BEFORE ITS TIME -- Once a leader in stocking boxed wine, Safeway will soon offer its own in-house brand of domestic reds, whites and chardonnays.   Already featured in American Cork  Magazine, one critic described the red as "... possessing the earthy bouquet of a Napa Merlot with just a hint of sweaty box boy, confirming yet again that seven is a good aisle."

LOVIN' IT -- Amid fanfare and kudos all around for record-setting sales in November, the McDonald's Corporation nearly busted its sesame seeds over the announcement they had reached their one-hundred billionth burger sold worldwide.  Not as much hoopla, however, for the 600 million heart bypass surgeries directly attributable to the Golden Arches.

                           HAPPY NEW YEAR 2013!

Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved 

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY -- View over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget!
www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers

SUN, MON, December 30, 31, 2012

K-K-K-KLOSED -- Excoriated by theater critics and returning just 25% of its backers' investment, Broadway's "Dead Accounts" starring Katie Holmes will close January 6, less than six weeks after opening.  With just forty-four performances, the play barely lasted longer than her ex-hubby Tom's trampoline act on Oprah's couch.
 

SLUMMING -- Tim Cook who became CEO of Apple after founder Steve Jobs died will take a substantial cut in his salary in 2013.  Substantial?  He'll receive only $2.8 million -- 1% of the $378 million he collected in his 2012 paycheck.  He's already cutting back.  For instance, he fired the Mormon Tabernacle Choir which he had employed last year as a door chime.

END TIGHT -- Along with their shameful record of  spousal abuse and strip club drunkenness, forty-six NFL players have been convicted of driving under the influence.  Finally the league has responded.  From now on, players reaching the line of scrimmage will have to walk it while touching their nose with their eyes closed.

 
 

PUMP YOU UP -- Word in Hollywood is that martial arts guru Jackie Chan has been added to the cast of "The Expendables 3," joining Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger.  Details are sketchy, but apparently the script calls for Arnold to hire Jackie as his bodyguard after Sly discovers he's been having an affair with his maid.
 

ALL ABOARD! -- China has unveiled their new, multimillion dollar bullet train that will run 1428 miles from Beijing through China's agricultural heartland to Guangzhou.  Government officials insist that there will be no repeat of the disastrous 2011 test-run crash.  Now injured passengers will be rushed to the nearest collective farm sick bay within 30 minutes.   

 
 

Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

                             HAPPY NEW YEAR 2o13!

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY -- View over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget!
www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers

FRI, SAT, December 28, 29, 2012

UPPER CLASS ACTION -- In the largest settlement of a class action suit ever, Toyota agreed to pay $1.1 billion to buyers of 2010 cars that suddenly accelerated for no reason.  But recalls aren't limited to mid-priced autos.  Recently, Great Britain's Bentley Motors had to recall 743 luxury sedans when they developed a tendency to turn into the parking lots of restaurants with less than five stars.

MASTERS AND STARBUCKS -- Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz requested that all employees in the Washington D.C. area stores  print, while checking the customer's order box on each cup, the words "Come together."  The American Institute of Family Planning immediately issued a press release asking what qualifications Mr. Schultz has to give sexual advice.

COLD DEAD HANDS -- L.A.'s Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa hosted a firearms buyback auction that paid gift premiums for groceries -- $100 for handguns and shotguns and $200 for assault weapons.  That's the good news.  The bad news is he plans to have them melted down into a statue of Charlton Heston.





 

FIREMEN -- National Sleep Day on January 2, California sheet-maker Anna's Linens surveyed 3700 customers and determined that 74% sleep in pajamas while only 8% sleep with nothing on at all.   Of those men who sleep naked, 34% hang their clothes on a nearby chair for quick retrieval in the event her husband comes home early.

OFF THE ROAD AGAIN -- According to the "Safe Driving for Older Adults" booklet issued by the U.S. Department of Transportation, signs that it may be time for elderly drivers to hand over the keys are decreased vision, hearing loss, slower reaction time and reduced strength, coordination and flexibility.    In other words, when you've turned into Willie Nelson.

Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY -- View over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget!
www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers

THURSDAY, December 27, 2012

BEHIND THE GREEN DUMPSTER -- The New York Public Library will undergo a multimillion dollar renovation that will include a new reading room equipped with the latest computer technology.   And it's really cutting-edge.  For instance, homeless people will now be able to watch  porn that features other homeless people. 

WE HAVE LIFTOFF -- NASA scientists are astounded at the photos being sent back from the Hubble Telescope showing some of the oldest galaxies known to exist.  Most remarkable are detailed photos that confirm the controversial "Big Bang Theory" -- not the creation of the universe, the TV sitcom. 

JOBERT -- Die hard fans of "Les Miserables" are turning out in droves to swoon over the new musical version with Hugh Jackman and Natalie Portman.  To get themselves into the mood, some dress up in period costumes, go into a 7-Eleven, steal a loaf of bread, and hope a clerk follows them.
 

COFFEE, TEA, JENNY CRAIG? -- Commercial Airlines are going nose wheel-to-nose wheel in a competition to provide travelers tasty and nutritious meals with the lowest calories.  According to a study, Virgin Atlantic leads with meals averaging 450 calories.   Whose meals are the most fattening?  Delta Burke Airlines.

OI OI -- The city of Lens, France with unemployment three times the national average, is attempting to attract tourists by opening a branch of Louvre.   To duplicate the Paris experience for visitors, local taxi drivers are being given a crash course in "rude."

 
Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY -- View over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget!
www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers

WEDNESDAY, December 26, 2012

LOCKED AND UPRIGHT -- The three-year-delayed debut of Boeing's 787 fuel efficient Dreamliner has been plagued by  FAA-groundings due to numerous design flaws.  Worst offenders are the "Dinner is Served" sign that is supposed to be disabled on planes sold in the U.S. and electrical shorts in the pilot's preflight cocktail mixer.

BOWS OF WOWS -- A sure sign that the economy is slowly recovering, a survey by the American Kennel Club shows that over 70% of American dog owners surprised their pets with gifts on Christmas morning.  No word on what was most popular but in Manhattan, seventeen fire hydrants are missing.

 
CAMPUS SPOOKS -- Officials at the NCAA are sweating draft picks over a decision of an L.A. Superior Court judge to open files in the USC-Reggie Bush imbroglio that would reveal their ultra-secret draconian tactics.  Most shocking revelation?  It wasn't the CIA but the NCAA that found  Osama bin Laden. 

BEIJING BAR -- The increased buying power of China's new entrepreneurs has reduced retailers' traditional reliance on the Christmas season to attract buyers.  For instance, the flush Chinese are flocking to Switzerland to purchase gifts for Chinese New Year -- the Year of the Snake -- which marks China's invention of lawyers in 210 BC. 

WHERE'S MY WATCH? -- Researchers at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine came up with some truly shocking statistics.  Last year, doctors left over 2000 surgical instruments inside patients including sponges, scissors, needles and gauze.  One plus -- at least the items won't turn up as medical waste on our beaches. 

 
Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY -- View over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget!
www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers

CHRISTMAS DAY, December 25, 2012

HONEST ABE -- The Academy has notified Stephen Spielberg that his epic film "Lincoln" may be disqualified from Oscar consideration because of historical inaccuracies.  To make the movie even more exciting, in one scene Lincoln is almost killed in a dynamite blast while posing for Mt. Rushmore.

WEAR YOUR SWEATER -- Jewish women rule the big screen right now.  Barbara Streisand plays a Jewish mother in "Guilt Trip," Bette Midler plays a Jewish grandmother in "Parental Guidance" and Leslie Mann another Jewish mother in "This is 40."  The trend continues.  Sarah Silverman has been signed for the lead in "The Life of Whoopie Goldberg."
 

GREENGROCER -- Researchers at Boeing used stacks of potatoes to simulate human passengers while testing Wi-Fi coverage at 35,000 feet because spuds come closest to matching the density and conductivity  of the human body.  To add even more realism, unshelled walnuts were attached to the "men" dummies and ripe cantaloupes to the "women."  

 

ARRRRG -- Cable companies claim they don't prosecute people who pirate their programs for free because it's too expensive.  Yeah, right.  Actually, they'd like to prosecute them but they tell D.A 's they'll come in to fill out the papers between two and five and then never show up.
 

G'DAY MATE -- Though it took several decades, eight of ten American motorists now buckle up behind the wheel.  But not because of dire warnings from Detroit or the National Safety Council. What finally did the trick was the threat of a visit from that GEICO auto insurance lizard.

Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved
 

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY -- View over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget!
www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers

SUN, MON, December 23, 24, 2012

SPEEDY ESCORT -- Though she never medaled, three-time Olympic Games middle distance runner Suzy Favor Hamilton became a $600-a-night hooker with a Vegas escort service.  Ten of her regular Johns were contacted and asked to post their scores.  The results:  a high of 8.3 and a low of 5.6 yielded a respectable 7.2, but again no medal.
 

PUBLIC DOMAIN -- Settling a long-running dispute between neighbors, a Louisiana judge ruled that a Denham Springs woman has the constitutional right to arrange her Christmas lights in the shape of a middle finger.  The fact that the middle finger belongs to Santa Claus has no legal bearing on the case unless, of course, the Claus family files an objection.
 

BOWL BUSTER -- According to a recent sampling of collegiate football fans nationwide, the most popular Holiday playoff game is the Rose Bowl followed closely by the Cotton Bowl and the Orange Bowl.  The least enjoyed New Year's Day clash is the Ty-D-Bol played annually at Porcelain Stadium in Flushing, New York.

 
 

CAIN & ABEL -- Peter Madoff, younger brother of Ponzi Prince Bernie who's serving 150 years, was himself sentenced to ten years for his part in the $20 billion ripoff.  Why the light sentence?  Well, the judge took into account Peter's plea that he "felt like Jerry Van Dyke living in the shadow of his famous brother" and his claim that, like Tom Smothers, he always sensed "that mom liked Bernie better."
 

ALLOY VEY -- Faced with the spiraling costs of base metals traditionally used to mint coins, the U.S. Treasury Department has tested 29 substitute alloys, none of which passed muster for durability.  Well, one did, but no one at Treasury thinks the public could adapt to using various denominations of Chuck E. Cheese tokens.

 

Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved
 

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY -- View over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget!
www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers