FRI, SAT, July 20, 21, 2012

DETAILS AT ELEVEN -- The Netherlands Legislature is considering a measure that would impose stiff fines on television meteorologists whose weather predictions miss the mark with financial penalties graduated according to the severity of the miss.  The guidelines are technical and indecipherable to the average layman, but in a nutshell, if a guy predicts a major weather front approaching, it better look like it's attached to Lady Gaga coming in and JayLo leaving.

EMERGENCY ENTRANCE -- A two-decades-old record was broken this week as Boston's Massachusetts General Hospital knocked Baltimore's Johns Hopkins Hospital out of first place in U.S. News & World Report's annual ratings of the nation's best hospitals.  Hopkins is now second-best after a 21-year reign in the top slot.  Among those failing to make the list at all were Newark's Cedars of Scar Tissue, Atlanta's Our Lady of Perpetual Transfusions and Bob's House of Hematoma's in Palm Beach.

POST-OP -- In a less-positive medical note, Vern Traversie a Native American living on the Cheyenne River Reservation in Sioux Falls, South Dakota has filed a federal civil rights lawsuit alleging that doctors performing open-heart surgery on him carved "KKK" on his chest before suturing him up.  The charge was vigorously denied by his cardiologist at a hastily-called press conference.  Unfortunately, just having emerged from the operating room, he was wearing a face mask with eye

CLUCK CLUCK --  "WALL STREET LAYS AN EGG!" was the famous Variety headline announcing the stock market crash in 1929.  Faced with declining subscriptions and overwhelming competition from quicker-to-the-scoop Internet sites like Deadline and The Wrap, the iconic gossip sheet, once found in more producers' offices than the casting couch, is on the chopping block with few interested buyers in sight.  All in all, it's shaping up as a replay of the famous headline -- only this time it's "VARIETY LAYS AN EGG!" 

FLY CATCHER -- Former U.S. Congressman Anthony Wiener who gained notoriety sex-texting gals candid snap shots of his package and lost his seat after denying that he has a "say cheese" fetish when it comes to his junk, has announced that he'll run for Mayor of New York.  You laugh, but he's already corralled some very high-paying financial supporters:  Fruit-of-the-Loom and Haines men's briefs and Rawlings "Sling Shot" Athletic Straps.

BUCKLE UP -- Barbara Mandrell had everything Hope sought in a guest. She could sing and dance, she had impeccable comic timing and — perhaps most important of all – she was a good sport. She obviously held Hope in high regard but could, at times, seem almost motherly toward him. She had been in a tragic auto accident that had killed another occupant in her car and was a firm believer in seat belts before they became mandatory.  She would refuse to ride in a limo with Hope until he buckled up. Over the years, she played Hope's love interest in sketch-after-sketch -- as hillbilly Cindy Lou who "loves sparkin' so much, she's on her third lip retread" -- to Bonny Sue, girlfriend of "Crazy Nose" Hope, early NFL quarterback -- to a lieutenant commander aboard the USS Lexington who's caught in a torrid affair with an enlisted man -- Hope.  It's no wonder she was a Hope favorite.

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Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L.Mills  All Rights Reserved 

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Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.