WEDNESDAY, February 1, 2012

Archaeologists excavating near Palestine turned up a marble statue of a Roman boxer they date at 0002.  This guy had turned pro in 20 BC and had what's still considered the best corner men in fisticuffs history.  Matthew, Mark and Luke handled his ringside strategy and Jesus was his cut man.

"Wheel of Fortune" emcee Pat Sajak recently confessed to an interviewer on ESPN that he sometimes went to work blotto.  Actually, the audience suspected as much one night when he entered the studio, thought he was at his AA meeting, and announced, "My name is Pat and I've been hosting this mindless pap for 32 years."

Elton John and his partner, David Furnish, have released photos of their new baby Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John conceived by a surrogate mom with sperm from both men.  But it's pretty obvious that Elton's sperm won the race upstream.  The baby was born wearing over sized sequined sunglasses.

Hoping to reverse a gradual downward trend in cash register receipts, the Olive Garden restaurant chain has instituted some changes in decor and service.  For instance, to add biblical authenticity, waiters dressed in a robe and sandals will kneel at your table while taking your order.

TUESDAY, January 31, 2012

With a best picture nomination and a Best Actor nod for star Gary Oldman, "Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy" has already spawned plans for a sequel.  But already, critics are warning that the sequel may carry too heavy a commercial tie-in.   It's been titled "Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, Bed, Bath & Beyond."

Mexico City now has a new tourist attraction -- a huge countdown clock ticking off the seconds before the December Apocalypse predicted by the Mayans.  May be a coincidence, but Arizona governor Jan Brewer has installed a clock on the steeple of the statehouse counting down the months and weeks left before Barack Obama's next visit.

Courteous drivers in northern Texas are now being rewarded with free gift-certificates handed out by state troopers.  Clever idea the Texas DMV came up with to get rid of a warehouse full of "Rick Perry for President" bumper stickers.

Korean auto maker Kia has recalled some 146,000 cars, citing faulty airbags that will be replaced.  Company officials remain mum, but insiders report that some wiseacre at the factory installed airbags that when inflated take on the distinctive shape of former North Korean president Kim Jong Il.

MONDAY, January 30, 2012

Alumni, fans and supporters set aside two full days to mourn the death of legendary Penn State gridiron coach Joe Paterno.  In what's being called the most heartfelt remembrance since that for Vince Lombardi, college locker rooms across the nation shut off their showers for one minute.

According to the gay and lesbian news magazine The Advocate, Salt Lake City is the gayest city in the nation.  Evidence cited includes granting tax-free status to Ikea -- stats that show the city has more florists than "Starbucks" -- and the overnight success of "The Mormon Tabernacle Choir Sings Broadway!"

Fans and critics alike agree that Dustin Hoffman is sensational as race track gambler "Ace" Bernstein in HBO's new mini-series "Luck."  The role was quite a stretch for him.  Dusty hasn't gambled this much since he checked into that
hotel with Mrs. Robinson.

Since the Tom Hanks-Max Von Sydow starrer "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" landed a Best picture Oscar nomination, box office receipts have soared.  When questioned, movie-goers said they had stayed away thinking the picture was a documentary about "The View."

FRI, SAT, SUN, January 27, 28, 29, 2012

Students at a high school in Utah wanted to name their new football team the "Cougars" but their Mormon elders rejected  it as "too racy."  And that was the kids' second choice.  They knew their first pick wouldn't stand a chance: the
"Latter Day New Orleans Saints."

Archaeologists and zoologists agree that new evidence suggests that the dog was domesticated about 33,000 years ago.  And it wasn't easy for the cave men to walk their new dogs.  Since fire hydrants hadn't been invented yet, every so often they would have to find a cave and draw one on the wall.

Queen Elizabeth is getting a new yacht and Royal Navy sailors are now being trained on proper behavior aboard the new vessel.  For instance, in the presence of royalty the poop deck must be called the "defecation deck," scuttlebutt is "scuttle-derriere" and crew members must never mention Lady Gaga in the presence of the queen.

If you have a Facebook account, there's now an app that allows you to communicate with your followers after you die.  Just think how handy that could be.  If you die suddenly, you can send back for a change-of-clothes and toiletries.

THURSDAY, January 26, 2012

Fans laughed when chat host Wendy Williams launched her "Save the Twinkie" campaign.  But already, she's entered a valuable collaboration with the Tea Party that will generate national publicity.  Every afternoon at 4 PM London time, members gather for tea and Twinkies. 

First Lady Michelle Obama's new Twitter page attracted 100,000 followers on its first day.  What's being called pure coincidence, the National School Cafeteria Council announced that schools that adopted Michelle's dietary guidelines have reduced their average school lunch by 100,000 calories.

Here's a shocker that will make you stop and think -- a study commissioned by the F.B.I. predicts that by next year, one-third of all kids will have a rap sheet by the time they're 23.  On the plus side, each will receive free front and side view portraits. 

MSNBC has a frequent contributor named Crystal Ball. Think that's a strange name for a reporter?  It's nothing compared to her brothers "Knuckle" and "Spit."

WEDNESDAY, January 25, 2012

Delta Airlines is leading the way in jacking up airfares by being the first national carrier to boost ticket prices 10%.  Signs of cutbacks are everywhere.  Last week, I flew to Cincinnati  and in place of the in-flight movie, one of the cabin stewards put on a tux jacket and made balloon animals.

A woman in Burbank, California was charged with prostitution after vice cops caught her in a McDonald's drive-thru offering to exchange sexual favors for Chicken McNuggets.  Kind of gives a whole new meaning to the Mickey-Doo jingle "I'm lovin' it!" doesn't it?

According to the cover story in this month's Cosmetic Surgeon Magazine, the recession has had a devastating effect on elective procedures. One well-known Beverly Hills practitioner told the interviewer, "If it weren't for Joan Rivers and Cher, there'd be no industry at all." 

According to the latest reports from Beijing, former NBA hoopster Yao Ming is entering politics.  Right now he's wrestling with the critical decision of which party to join -- the Communist, the Communist or the Communist for his first campaign against the popular former governor of Nanjing, Rickshaw Perry.

TUESDAY, January 24, 2012

The current crop of movie hits has not, by those addicted to profit, gone unnoticed.  Never a movie studio to overlook the opportunity to hop on a ticket-sales bandwagon, Disney has green lighted a 3-D cartoon project entitled "The Dragon with the Girl Tattoo."

Donald Trump began placing a bids on Tim Tebow memorabilia and went home with $12,000 worth of the QB's collection.  Ironically, the sale falls right in line with Tim's favorite bible verse, Corinthians 22:11 -- "Blessed are the
gullible, for they shall be fleeced shamelessly.

Faced with federal charges that they violated EEOC rules by refusing employment to applicants with criminal records, Pepsi has agreed to pay a $3 million fine.  Great news for Martha Stewart who can now get that bottling plant job she's been eyeing.

Only twenty-six Americans were killed last year by lightening strikes, the lowest figure in recorded history.  Not surprising since the chances of being struck are one in 12,000,000 -- in layman's terms about the same chance as Captain Schettino going down with his ship.

MONDAY, January 23, 2012

Readers were stunned by a news story that a stranded hiker on Washington's Mount Rainier burned the dollar bills he was carrying to keep warm until rescuers arrived.  Big deal.  In the last Olympics, China kept the Olympic flame going by feeding it fresh, crisp Alexander Hamiltons.

The Federal Appeals Court in Denver has ruled in favor of a Muslim who challenged  Oklahoma's ban on observing Sharia law.  The justices reasoned that if the Oklahoma Klan can wear pillowcases with eye holes, why can't Muslim women?   

Music critics around the world were astounded at the news that Paris Hilton is actually producing another album.  No one holds out much hope of a hit.  Let's put it this way:  Paris is to carrying a tune what Captain Schettino is to steering a cruise ship.

Viewers were shocked that Sarah Michelle Geller actually brought her two-year old daughter to the Golden Globes.  But they're snickering out of the other side of their mouth now.  Producers in the audience signed the kid for the lead in Lifetime's upcoming "The Life of the Gerber Baby." 

FRI, SAT, SUN, January 20, 21, 22, 2012

Disgruntled factory workers in Shanghai who assemble complex Xbox consoles climbed on the roof of their factory and threatened to commit mass suicide.  That's nothing compared to Kim Kardashian's seamstresses in Singapore who threatened to kill themselves unless they got a roof.

O.J. Simpson's half-million dollar, four bedroom, four bath home near Miami is threatened with foreclosure while its owner is serving a nine to thirty-three year term in a Nevada jail.  Questioned by reporters, the Broward County Sheriff told them simply, "If the striped suit fits, I must evict."

The religion police in Iran have ordered all Barbie Dolls be removed from toy store shelves because they're "un-Muslim."  Tough luck for Mattel.  Their new "Arranged Marriage Barbie" was just beginning to sell.

For the first time, Wal-Mart will offer its customers income tax advice for free in 3,000 of its stores nationwide.  The way it works is, you give them your tax documents and they send them to a bunch of Chinese accountants in a Shanghai sweat shop.

THURSDAY, January 19, 2012

According to Sports Marketing, Inc., the top-selling pro sports item in 2010 was the Aaron Rogers Green Bay Packers jersey.  In collegiate marketing, the biggest-selling sports-themed item was Penn State's Jerry Sandusky Soap-on-a-Rope.

Texas State Police pulled over a tour bus that was transporting Snoop Dogg to his next gig in Amarillo.  During a routine search a member of their K-9 Unit zeroed-in on some marijuana stashed in a waste basket.  Sense the irony here?  Snoop Dog exposed by a snoopy dog?

New York's opera season may be canceled thanks to a dispute between opera members and musicians.  Talks appeared to be going well when suddenly the brass section started dueling with some spear-carriers from "Rigoletto" and by the time police arrived, three of them were impaled -- two on spears and one on a trombone slide.

Speech scientists at Florida Atlantic University have discovered that, contrary to popular belief, infants don't learn to speak by hearing words but rather by reading lips.  Even more shocking to the researchers, tots taken to baseball games become fluent in sign language by watching the catcher's hands.

WEDNESDAY, January 18, 2012

Producers of the new "Dallas" series on TNT promise that it will remain faithful to the original while being "more modern."  Maybe it's a little too current.  For instance, J.R. still gets shot but this time he's assassinated by a team of Navy Seals after a neighboring rancher accuses him of joining al Quaeda.

A company called SpareOne has developed a cell phone battery with a 15-year life.  I guess it was inevitable.  We went from a society where parents would stay married until the children were grown to a society where their children will keep their cell phones until the batteries run down and stay married for 72 days.

A Washington, DC Burger King franchise has become the first fast food restaurant in the nation to deliver.  But is this really something we should encourage?  When you stop to think about it, it's the first time in gastronomic history that the fat grams, the sodium and cost of the fuel to deliver it exceeds the price of the food itself.

Space officials in Moscow are now under investigation by the KGB after a $170 million space probe rocket that was supposed to explore a moon near Mars plunged into the drink off the coast of Chile after attempting to reach orbit for over two months.  For the first time in its history, Pravda ran a five-inch, one word headline -- "OOPS-SKI!

TUESDAY, January 17, 2012

The Golden Globe Awards were particularly entertaining this year with host Ricky Gervaise as funny as ever and the wall-to-wall film stars applauded dutifully.  Most deserved was the special award for “resisting a primal urge” that went to Angelina Jolie for not adopting an Ethiopian kid during the entire three-hour telecast. 

Chinese space scientists have vowed to put a “lunarnaut” on the moon before the end of this decade.  Beijing has already approved the official first-step motto:  “One small step for Mandarin -- one giant step for P. F. Chang’s.”

Bed, Bath & Beyond had to recall several thousand chromium facial tissue-holders after a routine check found them to be contaminated with atomic radiation.  Less than an hour after the news was released, Iran issued an official statement that they had nothing to do with it.

A tea maker in Beijing who discovered that leaves fertilized with excrement of pandas have a unique flavor is planning to market it as the “world’s most expensive tea.”  It has one unfortunate side effect, however.  Five cups and you get an overwhelming urge to hibernate in a cave near Kowloon.

MONDAY, January 16, 2012

Donald Trump has applied to New York building authorities for permits necessary to build an 18-hole golf course in the heart of the city.  New York City golf is a little different from the game invented in Scotland -- the hazards include sand traps, out-of-bounds, casual water and muggers.

Producers of a biographical film on the life of Elizabeth Taylor are rumored to be seriously considering Lindsay Lohan to play the lead.  Nothing confirmed yet, but they’ve already hired a jeweler to design a diamond-studded ankle alarm bracelet that will look like a gift from Richard Burton.

Nike’s hot new basketball shoe the “Air Jordan” is so popular, lucky wearers who found a pair have been mugged for them.  Not quite as popular but big on the west coast are Nike’s new “Air Kobes” that wearers report give them an uncontrollable desire to abandon their loyalty to Nike in favor of Converse shoes.

International scholars are all agog over the upcoming meeting between lifelong friends Venuzuela’s Hugo Chavez and Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.  If their rumored intentions are realized, the United Nations will soon receive a request for membership from “Veranuzuela.”

FRI, SAT, SUN, January 13, 14, 15, 2012

TV's Kiefer Sutherland has been signed to play his "24" character Jack Bauer in the film version.  I can't wait to watch him on the big screen.  Just think how much more exciting water boarding will be when the board looks like it's 30-feet long.

Hostess Bakeries, makers of Twinkies as well as other junk foods, has filed a petition in federal court for bankruptcy protection.  Sales began to plummet drastically right after the FDA authorized the makers of poisonous substances like cyanide and arsenic to replace the skull and cross-bones on their containers with an outline of a Twinkie.

An exhibition in New York City currently on display features well-known Big Apple landmarks like the Bowery and Herald Square recreated with indigenous tree bark, roots, stems, flowers, leaves and seeds.  Or, as Martha Stewart calls them "a salad."
 
This year makes the 100th birthday of the Girl Scouts of America which was modeled after Great Britain's "Girl Explorers."  They even copied their cookie recipe.  In fact, that same year, a shipment of them bound from England to the U.S. was thought to have contributed to the sinking of the Titanic.

THURSDAY, January 12, 2012

Facing massive losses due to rising fuel prices, Delta Air Lines has reluctantly raised the price of their tickets across-the-board.  And they've instituted drastic cutbacks to save money.  Now in the event of a sudden drop in cabin pressure, an oxygen mask drops down between the seats with a sign on it that says "Share this."

Beyonce and husband Jay-Z are now the proud parents of a new girl baby they've named "Ive Blue."  And I know what you're thinking.  Like every other joke writer throughout the land, I somehow resisted the urge to report that she gave birth to a "beyonce baby girl."

A bank robber holding up a London Bank got rattled and inadvertently handed the teller his .38 snub-nose automatic instead of the demand note he had written.  Then things got even more confusing.  The uniformed guard nearby thought the teller was delivering a premium for opening a new account and gave the robber tips on where to buy cut-rate ammo. 

Mattel has announced that they'll soon offer a matched set of Kardashian Sister dolls.  Advance word is that they're so lifelike, the Kim doll comes with six Chinese children dolls that make her clothes in a sweatshop doll house.

WEDNESDAY, January 11, 2012

When the clerk at White Castle asks if you'd like to "supersize that," he may be offering to put a head on your brewski.  The fast food chain now offers beer and wine so be careful, gals -- from now on when a guy asks you out for a drink, best you ask for specifics.

Pop culture gadflies The Kardashians have launched their own magazine called "K."  I think there are already too many magazines named with a letter.  "Gentleman's Quarterly" is now "GQ" -- Oprah's magazine is called "O."  If the Kardashians insist on a letter, wouldn't it make more sense to call it "Y?" 

A rare penny minted by the government 219 years ago recently fetched $1.38 million at auction.  What are the chances, you probably wonder,  of you finding a penny that will make you $1,380,000?  Mathematicians tell us it's 1-in-1 billion, 380 million.

The FAA has issued strict new guidelines to prevent pilot fatigue.  Included are limits on the amount of consecutive hours allowed at the controls, more time off between flights and accumulating Mile High points no longer qualifies as a "nap."

TUESDAY, January 10, 2012

Former Chicago Bull net star and occasional cross-dresser Dennis Rodman is about to take a job coaching a woman's basketball team that plays topless.  Actually, he received two job offers -- one from the Jacksonville Jigglers and the one from his new employer, the Houston Hooters.

Carnival's upcoming summer cruise "Tides of Torture" will visit Caribbean islands while passengers attend vampire seminars and watch the top slasher films.  As you might expect, the Midnight Buffet will offer an extremely limited
beverage menu -- Type O, Type B and Type B Positive.   

Jonathan Duhamel, the world's number one poker champion, told police his home was invaded by a stranger who assaulted him before escaping into the night.  Apparently, he got so used to saying "hit me" somebody finally did.

Kim Kardashian is being picketed by Human Rights groups after it became known that her designer clothing company employs Chinese children as seamstresses.  And right after she had to return those 377 Singer sewing machines along with the rest of the wedding gifts.   

MONDAY, January 9, 2012

A German national living with his mother was arrested after fifty-three cars were set on fire in Los Angeles over the New Years weekend.  He's been charged with arson, destruction of property and infringement of the copyright on flaming cars owned by the Chevy Volt.

Iran threatened "to blow US ships out of the water" if they interfered with their closing of the Straits of Hormuz.  The navy has come up with a unique solution.  They've changed the name of the nuclear sub they're sending there from the USS Ronald Reagan to the USS Amadinajad.  

Plans are underway to develop a script for a film which will depict Elton John's journey from humble beginnings in the streets of London to a world class entertainer.  Biggest winner if the movie is made?  Lenscrafters who have landed the eyeglasses contract.

Members of the Chicago Cab Drivers Association have petitioned City Hall for the right to charge riders $75 extra if they leave a messy cab.  Is there no end to their greed?  They already demand an extra $50 just to store a corpse in the trunk.

FRI, SAT, SUN, January 6, 7, 8, 2012

North Korea's new Supreme leader Kim Jung Un has already hired American ad agency Benton & Bowles to polish his international image.   He's hoping that the same agency that marketed 7-Up as the "Un-Cola" can come up with a campaign establishing him as the "Un-Dictator."

Remember that experimental DeLorean roadster used in the movie "Back to the Future"?  It recently sold at auction for half a million dollars.  And it came with an added bonus -- thanks to a small-print provision in his contract, once a month Michael J. Fox comes to your house to wash it.

As you may or may not have noticed, during Lindsay Lohan's recent photo shoot for Playboy, she tried to imitate the poses made famous by Marilyn Monroe.  When she announced she was seeking a ball player to stand-in for Joe DiMaggio, twenty-six New York Yankees applied. 

Seeking a change of scenery, an adventurous kitty cat in Columbus, Ohio crawled under the hood of an SUV where she completed a 200-mile trip as a stowaway.  She was discovered only when the driver, checking his mileage gauge, noticed he was getting only 17 miles to the hair ball.

THURSDAY, January 5

Critics and fans alike are unanimous that Meryl Streep is marvelous as Margaret Thatcher in "Iron Lady."  Well, a few have pointed out one little flaw in her portrayal.  In a scene shot at Windsor Castle, she gets a little confused between Thatcher and Julia Childs and explains to Queen Elizabeth how to prepare beef and kidney pie. 

Space officials in Beijing announced that they intend to send a man to the moon by 2022.  In fact, they've already approved a special "space diet" for the "lunarnauts" that includes an energy drink formulated from a recipe that dates back to the Tang Dynasty.

An amorous couple in Galesburg, Illinois decided to pop out for a couple of Big Macs but forgot to put their clothes back on.  They hopped into the guy's convertible, tooled up to the drive-thru window, and before the counterman could say "Supersize that?" the guy already had.

Born-again Christian quarterback Tim Tebow drops to one knee as though in prayer following every touchdown.  Actually, it as no religious connotations.  What he's doing is adjusting his "Lucky Depends" that were given to him by his mentor, Brett Favre, when Tim was a struggling high school QB. 

WEDNESDAY, January 4, 2012

Lowe's Home Improvement stores canceled their sponsorship of "All-American Muslim" on TLC prompting Muslim groups to protest outside a Lowe's in New Jersey.   Turns out it wasn't the cancellation that got the riled up -- it was
Lowe's House & Garden associates using slaughtered goats to demonstrate their barbecue grills.

In his new book "Time to Get Tough," Donald Trump says it's time for the U.S. to take off the gloves and confront Beijing.  Don's been miffed at the Chinese ever since he walked into a P. F. Chang's for lunch and the chef took one look
at his hair and thought he was delivering the bird's nest soup.

This year's Super Bowl Halftime will be sponsored by Bridgestone Tires and will feature Madonna in a "Salute to the 1970s."  And what an entrance they have planned.  She'll jump out of a giant Bridgestone radial wearing her trademark
black mesh hose and a bra with pointed steel cups. 

Some dentists are advising their patients to avoid over-indulging lattes because they may contribute to tooth decay.  Urologists feel the same way but for a different reason -- too many lattes cause too many visits to the potte.

WEDNESDAY, January 4, 2012

Lowe's Home Improvement stores canceled their sponsorship of "All-American Muslim" on TLC prompting Muslim groups to protest outside a Lowe's in New Jersey.   Turns out it wasn't the cancellation that got them riled up -- it was
Lowe's House & Garden associates using slaughtered goats to demonstrate their barbecue grills.

In his new book "Time to Get Tough," Donald Trump says it's time for the U.S. to take off the gloves and confront Beijing.  Don's been miffed at the Chinese ever since he walked into a P. F. Chang's for lunch and the chef took one look
at his hair and thought he was delivering the bird's nest soup.

This year's Super Bowl Halftime will be sponsored by Bridgestone Tires and will feature Madonna in a "Salute to the 1970s."  And what an entrance they have planned.  She'll jump out of a giant Bridgestone radial wearing her trademark
black mesh hose and a bra with pointed steel cups. 

Some dentists are advising their patients to avoid over-indulging lattes because they may contribute to tooth decay.  Urologists feel the same way but for a different reason -- too many lattes cause too many visits to the potte.

TUESDAY, January 3, 2012

Police in Bethlehem rushed to  the Basilica of the Nativity after receiving reports that rival groups of Orthodox and Armenian clerics were fist fighting.  Apparently, both groups wanted to provide the Three Wise Men on Christmas Eve and couldn't agree on who would provide the myrrh.   

Ocean-going fans are signing up in droves for next summer's Carnival Cruise "Tides of Torture" which will showcase the top slasher movies of the past 20 years.  So far the most popular staterooms are on the "Ghoul Deck" and boast a full shower, a veranda and upper and lower coffins.

The Canadian high court has ordered a popular restaurant in Montreal to cease employing topless waitresses.  It's pretty much the same Hooters we're used to here in the states only up there, because of the French connection, it's pronounced "whoo-tairs."

The 16-day marriage of Sinead O'Conner did not go unnoticed by the Irish Parliament.  They've proposed a measure requiring that all marriages in the Emerald Isle last at least long enough to allow the best man to return his tux to the rental agency.

MONDAY, January 2, 2012

What looked like a sure bet for Kim Kardashian to capture the shortest marriage crown for 2011 suddenly evaporated when Sinead O'Conner filed for divorce from her new hubby Barry Herridgein after only 16 days.  She came so close, too.  Isn't twenty days platinum?

In their divorce settlement, Mel Gibson's ex-wife Robyn Moore got several homes, a fleet of cars and clothing that totaled $400 million.  She even got some of Mel's duds -- and to add insult to injury, she mooned him wearing the same kilt he had on when he mooned the enemy in "Braveheart." 

According to a survey conducted by Major League Baseball, the average player in 2011 collected   $3 million in salary.  Which, of course, doesn't include hefty signing bonuses for rookies and Hollywood starlets for veterans. 

Bowl games were traditionally named after fruit -- the Orange Bowl, the Peach Bowl, the Citrus Bow but now fast food companies are getting into the act.  At the Little Caesar's Pizza Bowl, the fans were constantly reminded of the sponsor.  For the coin toss, instead of a coin, they used pepperoni.