FRI, SAT, SUN, April 29, 30, May 1, 2011

Security at the Prince William-Kate Middleton wedding was tighter than anyone could have predicted.  Everyone was searched and had to pass through Westminster Abbey’s metal detector.  Luckily, the queen has footmen so removing her shoes was no problem.

As its market share continues to plummet, cellular phone maker Nokia has announced it's laying off 7000 employees.  So that no one would hear about the cutbacks second-hand, management set up a conference call and had Donald Trump announce "You're fired!"

As part of her community service, Lindsay Lohan has to perform janitorial duties at the LA County Morgue.  On a brighter note, she finally found out why her agent hasn’t called her in seven years.  Seems she was cleaning out one of the drawers, and. . .

A 21-year old man drove his car off the rim of the Grand Canyon plunging 200 feet down before the car lodged in a tree growing out of the cliff.  Out of habit, Toyota apologized.

Researchers in Uppsala, Sweden determined that birds living in urban environments develop bigger brains than their rural counterparts.  Also, thanks to the ready availability of statues to practice on, their aim is 46.3% more accurate.

THURSDAY, April 28, 2011

The U.S. Coast Guard has added 25 pounds to the “average weight” of a passenger for calculating the safe capacity of ferries and charter boats.  Also,  life jackets formerly called “Mae Wests” have been renamed “Kirstie Alleys.”

The FAA may have solved the recent rash of sleeping flight controllers.  Beginning May 1, instead of the usual airplane silhouettes, controllers will now track flights using color-coded silhouettes of nude Kardashians.

According to health and wellness guru Dr. Sanjay Gupta, people who have sex three to four times weekly add eight years to their lifespan.  According to Shirley MacClaine, it gets even better --  that much sex can add eight lifespans.

According to a study by the US Census Bureau, a sizable number of “over-forties” have not experienced sex.  For some it’s just not in the cards.  One respondent said he bought a mail-order inflatable sex toy that refused to let him blow her up.

Aside from getting by on an iffy birth certificate, Donald Trump now claims Barack Obama’s academic record raises doubts about his so-called “degrees.”  For instance, he says his undergraduate sheep skin from the University of Hawaii is signed by Do Ho.

WEDNESDAY, April 27, 2011

On CNN’s new show “In the Arena,” host Elliott Spitzer accused Donald Trump of “greatly exaggerating his wealth.”  Not really the guy to evaluate worth.  Isn’t he the one who thinks a night’s entertainment is worth $5000? 

Amid the DA’s allegations that Lindsay Lohan isn’t taking her legal problems seriously, the court sentenced her to four months in jail.  Could be extended, though.  After Lindsay left the courtroom, the judge discovered that his gavel, the stenographer’s rubber fingers and the bailiff’s handcuffs were missing.

Norio Ohga, the SONY executive generally credited with inventing the compact disc has died in Tokyo at age 81.  Aside from making concert-hall sound available to the masses, he single-handedly made the terms “rip” and “burn” respectable.

Beset with problems from performance enhancing drugs to inept owners, Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig confirmed that fan attendance is way down so far this season. We should have seen the handwriting on the center field wall when the Dodgers launched “Bankruptcy Night.”

Standard & Poors has set the total worth of Facebook at $65 billion.  And that may be low balling.  Last week, someone spotted Bill Gates skimming Mark Zuckerberg’s swimming pool.

TUESDAY, April 26, 2011

On Sunday, following a centuries-old sacred ritual, thousands of pilgrims from many nations all over the globe excitedly gathered to follow a time-honored and hallowed tradition.  But enough about Prince William's wedding.

Two men paid a new York cabbie $5,000 to drive them 2448 miles to Los Angeles from LaGuardia Airport.  The record-setting journey burned through 111 tanks of gas, 30 quarts of oil and 594 Christmas tree air-fresheners.

Believed to be a first, a popular fitness gym near Madrid has received permission from city health officials to offer classes in the nude.  Members who are prone to embarrass easily are allowed to wear specially-designed spandex fig leaves from Speedo.

A survey by the National Automobile Club shows that most Americans  believe that drivers reaching age 80 should be re-tested behind the wheel.  Starting with a test to confirm that  they can still see over it.

A survey conducted by USA Today reveals that only 45% of employable Americans actually have jobs.  Not having a job not only makes it difficult to buy things, but even worse, people don't know what to print on the back of their bowling shirt.  

MONDAY, April 25, 2011

Prince Charles has officially entered the record book for the longest wait of any potential monarch to ascend  to the throne – 59 years, two months and 14 days.  He passed the former record-holder, a Peoria homeowner who waited over 59 years for the cable-installer to show up.

U.S. Marines will soon be issued special IED-resistant shorts called “ballistic boxers,” to reduce genital injuries common in Iraq and Afghanistan.  In keeping with the Corps’ hallowed tradition, the new underwear has been officially named “The Shorts of Tripoli.”

Heading to Iowa in June, Donald Trump will be the keynote speaker at a DeMoines Lincoln Day Celebration where he'll claim he's actually better prepared to be president than Abe was -- if Lincoln had had his hair, John Wilkes Booth might have missed.

After 50 years of loyal service, Ronald McDonald is being retired.  As the nation's junk food symbol, he joins the Jolly Green Giant (vegetables), Charlie the Tuna (fish), Elsie (milk) and Speedy Alka-Seltzer (indigestion) in the Food Pyramid Pioneers Hall of Fame.

The government of Bolivia has petitioned the U.N. to establish a "Ministry of Earth" to enforce laws aimed at saving the planet from extinction.  Under the ambitious Bolivian plan, William Shatner would be hired to patrol earth orbit in the Enterprise issuing citations each time he observes a violation.

FRI, SAT, SUN, April 22, 23, 24, 2011

Shirley MacClaine is on a multi-city tour to promote her new book “I’m Over All That & Other Confessions,” one of which is that she once slept with three politicians in a single  day.  Impressive from a Wilt Chamberlain perspective, but nothing compared to her claim that she once slept with politicians from three separate centuries. 

The Robert Redford-directed “The Conspirators,” now in theaters nationwide, is all about the assassination of Abraham Lincoln and Mr. Redford’s fingerprints are all over it.  Just one example -- two of Mr. Lincoln’s Secret Service agents are code-named “Butch” and “Sundance.”

The U.S. Department of Homeland Security has scrapped the oft-ridiculed color-coded terrorist threat levels in favor of a two-warning system that will declare threats “Elevated” or “Imminent.”  The threats themselves will be limited to suicide bombings, poison gas attacks, assassinations and any multi-city tours hosted by Charlie Sheen.

Amid the hustle and bustle of royal wedding preparations, Queen Elizabeth II celebrated her 85th birthday at a Buckingham Palace party where guests enjoyed several rounds of “Pin-the-tail-on-Moammar-Kadafi” before launching into a rousing chorus of “For She’s a Jolly Good Monarch” led by Queen Latifa and Elton John.

In Houston, a six-year-old shot himself in the foot and injured several day-care center classmates.  Police discovered he had purchased the 9mm Glock automatic during an Easter Break Sale at “Gats-R-Us, “ without the usual background check which was waived due to the purchaser’s inability to write.

THURSDAY, April 21, 2011

The cast of the hit 1960s sitcom “Happy Days” has filed a $40 million law suit against CBS to recover royalties from products using the show’s theme.  The cast became suspicious when Donald Trump confessed on “Meet the Press” that he pays CBS a license fee to use Fonzi’s hair. 

Fans were shocked when police identified ten people charged with fixing University of San Diego basketball games.  As if Cooperstown weren’t enough, now it looks like Pete Rose will be barred from the NCAA Hall of Fame, too.

A Chinese actor in Hong Kong recently set a record by dying in five separate soap operas during the same week.  Most difficult part was learning to breathe through his ears preparing for the five wakes.

Computer users who were supposed to be preparing their taxes at the Los Angeles Main Public Library were banished to a special porn section when the librarian noticed they were watching x-rated videos.   They almost got away with it, too.  They were all on a website called TurboSex.com

After falling the previous week, Kirsty Alley received tips from John Travolta while she was rehearsing for “Dancing With the Stars.”  Who better than a 767 pilot and celebrity spokesperson for QUANTAS to give her advice on landing something that unwieldy.

WEDNESDAY, April 20, 2011

Kate Middleton, a possible future Queen of England, has had her own coat of arms designed by Thomas Woodcock, London’s Grater Principal King of arms.  It features a giant oak signifying her birthplace in Berkshire, three acorns representing her siblings and a giant “O,“ certifying that her marriage has been blessed by Oprah.

Sixty-six Muslim schoolboys from Kuala Lumpur identified as “effeminate” have been sent to a special “boot camp” for training in masculine behavior.  The demanding regimen, designed after the U.S. Marine Corps’, includes calisthenics, 3-mile hikes at midnight, close order drill and harassing waitresses in a mock-up of “Hooters.”  

University of Toronto archeologists have discovered the earliest-known fossil evidence of an abscessed tooth in the jaw of a 275-million-year-old vertebrate.  The evidence includes x-ray data, computer-generated tomography and a crudely-lettered sign found nearby that says “Painless Ogg.  Mild sedation.  Reasonable terms.”  

A week after turning 85, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner will marry 24-year old Krystal Harris.  Krystal isn’t taking any chances.  She registered the couple at Bed, Bath & Defibrillators.

After rejecting pleas that speed increases traffic fatalities, the Texas legislature increased the speed to 85 mph.  But the speed limit is strictly enforced.  Cops in helicopters calculate speed by how long it takes a car to get from one oil well to the next.

TUESDAY, April 19, 2011

For the first time in their history, Eagle Scout candidates in Great Britain will be able to earn a merit badge in sex education by passing a written test and a field exam. Can’t say what the boys will rub together in the woods, but it won't be sticks.

Virgin-Atlantic Airways’ Richard Branson, inventor of a deep-sea submarine that will soon carry paying passengers, is selling ad space on the sub to help finance the mission.  The Beatles have already paid $3.2 million just to have it painted yellow.

Kelly Ripa now has her own statue at Madame Tussaud's waxworks in Hollywood.  The unveiling, hosted by Regis Philbin, was temporarily halted while police arrested Kathy Lee Gifford who entered the museum and threatened to light 5,000 candles strapped to her chest.

Asked for her position in the Libya debate, Sarah Palen told reporters “Well, they have to go someplace.”  It soon became clear that she thinks Libya refers to Irish people who settle in Australia -- as in “O’Libya Newton-John.”

The mother of ex-footballer Pat Tillman is condemning Obama’s appointment of Gen. Stanley MacChrystal to a presidential panel on military families because he lied to her and other mothers of soldiers killed by “friendly fire.”  That’s not to be confused with “Bob Barker fire“ -- deaths from U.S.-made weapons sold to the enemy because the price was right. 

MONDAY, April 18, 2011

Filming in New Orleans, Nicholas Cage was jailed for public drunkenness and was released the next day.  Well, not exactly.  While sobering up, he accidentally dislodged a brick in his cell exposing an ancient talisman secreted there during the reign of Louis XIV.  Uttering the magic words, a flaming motorcycle suddenly appeared upon which he rode out while his astonished jailers stood by helplessly.   

The producers of “Jersey Shore” decided to shut down production in Rome after the cast demanded a raise in pay.  That was what they told the press.  Real reason:  Snooki was having an affair with Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi.

Four drug smugglers died when their plane packed with ten tons of cocaine crashed in the West African jungle.  Investigators have determined that the crash was caused by an air-controller at Ghana International who fell asleep while waiting for his supplier.

A husband and wife golfing together in Rio both scored a hole-in-one on the same hole.  Unfortunately, only golf scores posted by men are recognized under Brazilian law.  A hole-in-one made by a female is referred to as “a birdie with an explanation.”

Rather than undergo drug testing with his new team Tampa Bay, former Dodger bad boy Manny Ramirez has hung up his spikes.  On a more positive note, his corn rows have been retired and placed on display in Cooperstown.

FRI, SAT, SUN, April 15, 16. 17, 2011

The L.A. Lakers’ Kobe Bryant was fined $100,000 for hurling an f-bomb homophobic slur at official during a game against the San Antonio Spurs.  Kobe thought he had a problem with the Misses --  what kind of a ring do you buy the N.B.A.?

Mitt Romney is testing the waters for a run at the White House.  His Mormonism could hurt him because of the multiple wives thing.  Although many voters agree with Larry King who once asked him during an interview “So there’s a problem with that?”

People Magazine has named Jennifer Lopez “The Most Beautiful Person in the World.”  Seems the honors just keep pouring in.  Last week, the Navy Times named her “Miss Poop Deck of 2011.”

The parents of an infant sued a Au Claire, Wisconsin Applebee’s after a waitress served their toddler a margarita.  Weak case, though.  Witnesses at a nearby table say the kid read the server the riot act claiming he’d ordered a Bloody Mary.

The city of Compton, CA abandoned plans to establish their own police department after a study showed that they couldn’t afford it.  Not only are there no funds in the municipal budget, Compton has always been woefully short of donut shops.

THURSDAY, April 14, 2011

Applications are up for admission to a Bavarian monastery whose members still practice the 300-year old tradition of fasting for Lent by drinking only beer.   The order is an offshoot of the Trappists.  Maybe you’ve heard of them --  Matthew, Mark, Luke, John and Samuel Adams?

The producers of “Glee” have announced that they will devote an upcoming episode of the show to Lady Gaga.  The network announced that the show will be followed by “Cooking With Emeril Lagasse,” on which he’ll prepare gourmet sausages using Lady Gaga’s wardrobe.

Officials at the Wachovia Bank were embarrassed recently when narcotics officers discovered that smugglers had laundered over $2 billion using its facilities. It’s the worst black eye for the banking profession since a Dominoes Pizza franchise was convicted of laundering drug money through the Anchovia Bank.

According to a survey conducted by the magazine Psychology Today, the New York Borough of Manhattan has the highest incidence of suicide in the nation.  In the tradition of the island's trendy restaurants like Elaine’s and the Russian Tea Room, their Suicide Hot Line is unlisted. 

Donald Trump is reported to be “thrilled” that he’s been chosen to drive the pace car at this year’s Indianapolis 500.  Another first -- at the finish, instead of waving a checkered flag, they’ll wave Lindsay Lohan’s checkered past.

WEDNESDAY, April 13, 2011

Security at the Prince William-Kate Middleton nuptials will be the tightest since the prince Charles princess Diana wedding.  Hundreds of uniformed Bobbies will join undercover agents from MI-5 and plainclothes Beefeaters carrying concealed M-16s. And if that weren’t enough, guests outside the cathedral will be asked to toss puffed rice.

Donald Trump keeps creeping up in the polls and is now is so popular among Republican voters, Sarah Palin may become his running-mate.  He told friends he’s confident he can win -- not the office, the actual White House.  He plans to tear it down to make room for a 66- story condominium complex for Republicans to be called “Trumpatopia.”

Egyptologists believe they have discovered the remains of the earliest gay man ever found.  They reached this conclusion after noticing that the furniture in his crypt had been rearranged numerous times and the entire decor had the unmistakable earmarks of an accomplished interior decorator.

A computer software manufacturer in Great Britain is seeking employees who are willing to work naked.  No telling yet whether it will affect output but one thing’s for sure – there won’t be any floppy discs in that workplace.

A federal court has ruled that Tyler and Cameron Winklevoss cannot undo a 2008 settlement agreement they signed with Mark Zuckerberg awarding them $20 million and part ownership of Facebook.  The judge did, however, compliment them on how much they look like the actors who played them in “Social Network.”   

TUESDAY, April 12, 2011

Struggling to win another major tournament to restore his tarnished icon status, Tiger Woods could manage only a fifth place finish in the Masters won by South African Charl Schwartzel.  He hasn't been clobbered that badly by a complete unknown since that guy who designed the nine iron Elin used.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has teamed up with Marvel Comics founder Stan Lee to create a new comic book hero called "The Governator."  In the first issue, Arnold has to use all of his superhuman powers to extricated himself from a dangerous syndicate out to destroy him -- not the Mafia -- the Kennedys.

A dog-lover in London recently paid a record $40,000 on a wedding for her toy poodle who fell in love with a beagle she’d met at obedience school.  Outside the church, the guests tossed Kibbles ‘n’ Bits and then attended a lavish reception featuring a six-tiered wedding cake topped with statues of two fire hydrants.

Archeologists discovered skeletal remains which appear to have belonged to the oldest gay man ever found.  Most compelling evidence was unearthed nearby -- an impressive collection of Broadway show tunes including “Annie get Your Cross-Bow,” “Okla-Homer,” and “The Maddusic Man.”

The long-awaited remake of the 1940s pot-boiler “Mildred Pierce” starring Kate Winslett in the role made famous by Joan Crawford aired on HBO last weekend.  Kate denies that she tried to out-act Joan but admitted to reporters at the red-carpet premier party that she did prepare for the role by beating her kid with a bent coat hanger.

MONDAY, April 11, 2011

The Reelz channel finally aired the eight-part mini-series titled "The Kennedys," which had been rejected by the major cable channels for historical inaccuracies.  Producers cleverly left the door open for a sequel.  In the final scene, Lee Harvey Oswald misses.
 

Latest addition to the Las Vegas Strip is the new "Museum of Organized Crime," a tribute to the mobsters who founded the desert oasis.  Along with exhibits, visitors get tickets to a lounge show entitled "Hallelujah Bugsy Siegel!"
 

Disney executives have broken ground on a new theme park in Shanghai, China.  Localized attractions will include "Pluto's Pagoda Palace," "Main Street M.S.G.," and "Snow White and the Gang of Seven."
 

Guards at the New Jersey State Prison caught visitors trying to smuggle in drugs hidden in a child's coloring book.  You think you had trouble as a kid staying within the lines.  Try it when the lines keep disappearing.
 

Los Angeles Raiders wide receiver Louis Murphy has been charged with attempting to purchase Viagra without a prescription.   Unlike Barry Bonds, he decided to use a performance enhancing drug to make only one thing bigger.

FRI, SAT, SUN, April 8, 9, 10, 2011

Despite assurances by Japanese scientists that the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power facility is not emitting enough atomic radiation to harm the world’s food supply, doctors at the CDC aren’t so sure.  They suggest that you AVOID SEAFOOD if:
1)  You recently replaced the dead batteries in your TV remote with two sardines.
2)  Your urologist is treating your enlarged prostate with a tuna sandwich.
3)  The seafood platter at the Red Lobster has been renamed the “Fukushima Special.”
4)  The eyes on your Passover gefelte fish are flashing.
5)  Your smoked oysters were canned by a company called “Tora! Tora! Tora!”

According to the Guinness Book of records, a 92-year-old woman in Honolulu has become the oldest person in history to complete a marathon.  Of course, she began the marathon in 1989, but still…

Caterpillar Tractors has announced that, despite falling profits, the plant will remain in Decatur, Illinois for the time being.  Executives made the decision after calculating that at a top speed of .08 miles per hour and .003 miles per gallon, it would take 17 years and $24,638 to move each tractor to Chicago.

Donald Trump is scheduled to drive the pace car at this year’s Indianapolis 500 in May. In an effort to attract the “green” vote, he’ll start the race by announcing “Gentlemen, plug in your engines.”

After months of advertiser boycotts and declining ratings, Fox News has pulled the plug on “The Glen Beck Show.”  According to a statement issued by Fox News CEO Roger Ailes, Glen was hired to deliver the craziest, most irrational nonsense on TV and -- well -- then Charlie Sheen came along. 

Not that Glen didn’t have plenty of warning signs that his neck was on the chopping block:
a)  As he packed on the pounds, Fox anchors could no longer say “fair and balanced” with a straight face.
b)  Fox News was charged $5,000 by DC’s Department of Sanitation to clean up the Lincoln memorial.   
c)  Bill O'Reilly and Greta Van Susteren began addressing him as “Dude.”
d)  Moammar Quaddafi called to ask if he wanted to sell the medals on his fake uniform.

THURSDAY, April 7, 2011

A dot com billionaire from the former Soviet Union paid a record price -- $100 million -- for a home in Los Altos Hills, CA., or, as such digs are commonly referred to by the Russian mafia -- a “fixer-upper.”

The Sierras recorded a record 60-feet of snow this year with upscale homes around Lake Tahoe completely buried.  It got so cold at the Cal-Neva Lodge last week, conventioneers were paying hookers extra just to blow on their fingers.

CBS news thrush Katie Couric has announced that she’ll be exiting the nightly anchor chair when her current contract expires.  There’s a valuable lesson to be learned here.  Once you make Sarah Palin look stupid on national television, your career is over -- it may take awhile, but it’s toast.

PBS has signed famed documentarian Ken Burns to produce a ten-part series on the Vietnam War.  It won’t be quite like his docus on the “Civil War” and “Baseball.”  Jane Fonda will narrate and it will only be shown in Canada.

“Harry & David,” once the trend-setters in mail-order catalogue gift baskets, is calling it quits after watching their once soaring profits tank.  Not that there weren’t plenty of telltale signs:
1)  Customers were throwing the dried fruit away and eating the straw.
2)  FedEx drivers no longer relied on the “damaged” cartons for lunch.
3)  Lady Gaga began using the hard salami as casual wear. 
4)  Hilton Hotel managers were using the cheese tray as bait to catch bedbugs.
5)  Harry and David finally admitted that their real names are Osama and Moammar.

WEDNESDAY, April 6, 2011

Texas legislators are seriously considering passing a bill that will allow concealed firearms on college campuses.  Could change things down there. Now the co-eds at the University of Texas will be referred to as “hot” whenever they’re packing heat.

Facing national-debt-sized alimony payments, Tiger Woods has placed his yacht on the Market for $25 million.  Available options include a sonar depth-finder, a poop deck putting green, and several hookers lashed to the yardarm.

Archeologists in London have appealed to NATO forces to avoid destroying ancient and irreplaceable antiquities.  And the Marine Corps has requested that the shores of Tripoli be left undamaged so they won’t have to change their song.

NASA scientists announced that they have not heard from the Mars rover “Spirit” since March 2010.  Not entirely accurate.  Actually, it’s the rover’s agent who hasn’t returned their calls.

MasterCard has announced that it will soon issue cards with built-in computer screens.  Pretty risky for them.  Now you’ll be able to identify the jerk who’s charging you 20% interest.

TUESDAY, April 5, 2011

Southwest Airlines grounded its entire fleet of Boeing 737-300s after a five-foot section of skin peeled off one of them headed from Phoenix to Sacramento.  Not that they didn‘t see this coming.  For months, they’ve been advertising “premium wing seating” and “outdoor dining, weather permitting.”

After being booed off the stage in Detroit, Charlie Sheen’s “My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat is Not an Option Show” received a much warmer reception in Chicago.  Probably because their newly-elected mayor, Rahm Emanuel, drops the “F” bomb more often than Charlie does.

Workers at Japan's Fukushima Daiichi nuclear plant have begun dumping nuclear waste water into the ocean to free up room to store more highly radioactive water leaking at the site.  Hey, before you panic, they did consult with BP executives on how to do it safely.

Several major hospitals including LA’s Cedars-Sinai are experimenting with a new i-Phone app that allows cardiologists to monitor a patient’s EKG by telephone.  And when not in use medically, it doubles as a handy garage door-opener.

A University of Kentucky psychologist has demonstrated conclusively that the “heartache” associated with a failed romance is as real and every bit as damaging as any “physical trauma.”  Big deal.  Anyone paying alimony has known this for years.

MONDAY, April 4, 2011

Ivana Trump is writing a tell-all book about her ex-husband that could derail his plans to run for president.  In the book, she alleges that Don buys his hair pieces from a fur trapper in the Yukon Territory. 

Kirsty Alley accused George Lopez of being an alcoholic.  Then George accused Kirsty of dancing like a pig on “Stars.”  Then Kirsty demanded that George return his donated kidney to its original owner.  And that was just at the weigh-in for the new season of “The Biggest Loser.”

A Radio Shack in Boseman, Montana offered a free shotgun to customers who signed up for Satellite TV.  The idea backfired, though, when one customer used the gun to empty a load of buckshot into the installer who was 7 ½ hours late.

A fight broke out in the parking after the season-opener between the LA Dodgers and the San Francisco Giants.  It’s become a real north-south feud.  The Dodger fans were wearing pillow cases with eye-holes.

President Obama threw out the first ball at the Washington Nationals opener.  The ball looked like It was heading for the strike zone until John Boehner ran onto the diamond and deflected it.