Friday, February 1, 2008

NO WAY OUT… Government intelligence experts have lost track of one of their spy satellites the size of a city bus. Observers at NASA believed they had spotted it when they observed a flaming wreck hurtling through the night sky -- but it just turned out to be Sean Young.

STRAIGHT FLUSH… Mormon President/Prophet Gordon B. Hinckley, believed by his followers to be the 15th reincarnation of cult founder Joseph Smith, has died in Salt lake City at age 97. Not totally unexpected. Lately, he’s been missing his Friday night poker games with Pope Ben, the Dalai Lama and the Archbishop of Canterbury.

RHODE ISLAND REDS… After months of protest by the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, a trappist monastery in Moncks Corner, SC has closed down its chicken farm. Seems that hens who fell behind in their egg-laying quota were being nailed to a tiny cross.
“I’ve reminded the prime minister -- the American people, Mr. Prime Minister, over the past months that it was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship.”

George W. Bush 6/29/2006 Washington, DC

CONTINENTS APART… Finishing second to John McCain in the Florida primary, Romney dragged out his stump speech to help cheer up his disappointed campaign staffers and included this gem on the plummeting value of the American dollar: “Now we’re threatened by other countries like Asia and India.” Run for your lives! BUSH HAS A TWIN!

RUDY AWAKENING… Capping off what’s being called the worst political miscalculation in history, despite a week spent crisscrossing the state with his girlfriend dressed as Lucy and Desi, Giuliani was unable to attract enough former New Yorkers and displaced Cubans to make a successful showing in the Florida primary. Aides were quick to admit that he probably should have spent more time mounting a viable national campaign and less time mounting Judith Nathan.

TICK, TICK, TICK… CBS’s Mike Wallace underwent triple heart bypass surgery in New York City. Doctors admit they were astounded at the swift recovery of the eighty-nine year old TV legend. While still lying in the ICU, he taped a “60 Minutes” segment on why so many working class Americans can’t afford health insurance.

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EARLY DRAFT PICKS… Heath Ledger is being called the first “internet cult figure death” and the debate has already begun over whether he’ll join the ranks of the perpetual icons who were “taken from us too soon” like Elvis, James Dean, Marilyn Monroe and John Lennon or be assigned to the B list to join Freddie Prinze, River Phoenix, John Candy and Chris Farley. Or, heaven forbid, be forced to join the ranks of prominent accountants who were taken prematurely like Skeeter Forbes, Stanton Gilhooly, Frasier Tucker, Lars Frampton and Harvard Swine. Only time will tell.

CHEEKY… Over the vehement objections of Turkey’s Muslim population, the Turkish Parliament is expected to remove a decades-old ban on college co-eds wearing head scarves. In an attempt to dampen soaring video sales of “Istanbul Girls Gone Wild.”

SCIENBICOLOGY… Tom Cruise will receive the first Dukati Desmosedici RR motorcycle made of lightweight titanium, magnesium and carbon fiber. The high speed bike that will sell for $72,500 was designed by Tom himself and is shaped like Oprah’s couch.

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TINKER TAILOR… Mens clothing designer Bill Belew, who was responsible for Elvis’s colorful sequined jumpsuits, stiff pointed collars and tight bellbottoms, has died at age 76. While collecting hefty designer fees, Bill also enjoyed a lucrative career just letting them out.

SNUFF SAID… A new study on penology conducted by the Oregon Social Learning Center shows that 48% of prison inmates currently serving time have relatives who are also in prison or on parole. Which explains the Texas Department of Correction’s new “Lethal Injection Family Plan” that includes two-for-one last meals and roll in gurneys at no extra charge.

SKIN GAME… Managing to remain undetected for over twenty years, George Golenhalgh, 84, along with his 83 year old wife and 40 year old son working out of a studio in Bolton, England, created counterfeit art objects which they sold to unsuspecting museums and collectors. The objects included gold and silver items from Anglo-Saxon times, statues and paintings by Henry Moore and Barbara Hapworth. Then, for some reason still unexplained, they decided to try passing off those three Norman Rockwell nudes.

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SPRINKLES… Eight patrons in South Los Angeles were injured when a driver inexplicably lost control of his car and crashed through the front window of a crowded “Donuts World.” Police responded quickly -- oh, I’m sorry -- they were already there.

NUT SHELLING… Brijit.com is a new website that will condense magazine articles into a single paragraph for those who don’t have the time to read them in full. It was the idea of a guy who used to work at the White House removing the big words from Bush’s intelligence reports.

ONE GOOD TURN… There are reports circulating that Angelina Jolie is with child. Already three African women have offered to adopt it.

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password: independence

STIFFS… Pizza Hut has unveiled a new pizza tracker system that will allow you to check on the progress of your order. It also tracks your tip and, if it’s deemed insufficient, automatically places your photo on the wall of the Post Office.

THERE WILL BE BLOOD THINNERS… Overjoyed at the box office success of his third Rambo sequel, Lions Gate is negotiating with Sylvester Stallone for a fourth. The script, already being worked on, will reportedly pit Sly against a gang of Russian bandits who are terrorizing Early Bird Dinner customers at a Leisure World Denny’s.

WORDPLAY… The earliest written language according to leading linguistic anthropologists are Chinese and Greek. They base their opinion on a faded menu from a Qin Dynasty Peking duck restaurant and several monogrammed grape leaves from a bath house in Athens.

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