THURSDAY, April 28, 2011

The U.S. Coast Guard has added 25 pounds to the “average weight” of a passenger for calculating the safe capacity of ferries and charter boats.  Also,  life jackets formerly called “Mae Wests” have been renamed “Kirstie Alleys.”

The FAA may have solved the recent rash of sleeping flight controllers.  Beginning May 1, instead of the usual airplane silhouettes, controllers will now track flights using color-coded silhouettes of nude Kardashians.

According to health and wellness guru Dr. Sanjay Gupta, people who have sex three to four times weekly add eight years to their lifespan.  According to Shirley MacClaine, it gets even better --  that much sex can add eight lifespans.

According to a study by the US Census Bureau, a sizable number of “over-forties” have not experienced sex.  For some it’s just not in the cards.  One respondent said he bought a mail-order inflatable sex toy that refused to let him blow her up.

Aside from getting by on an iffy birth certificate, Donald Trump now claims Barack Obama’s academic record raises doubts about his so-called “degrees.”  For instance, he says his undergraduate sheep skin from the University of Hawaii is signed by Do Ho.
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Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.