WAGE SAGE -- Most CEO's oppose a minimum wage because it victimizes entry level earners but Starbuck's Howard Schultz is an exception. Understandable. When it reaches $9 and hour, he can pay his dishwashers by giving them eight Latte Frappachino Grandes per shift.
TIGER TRACKER -- Reporters doubted that Tiger Woods' affair with skier Lindsay Vaughn would last, wondering how in the world she could possibly trust him. Over the weekend, they got their answer. He showed up on the first tee with a new putter, new shoes, and a PGA-sanctioned GPS ankle bracelet.
BRAVO DOT COM -- Five Internet tech pioneers are this year's recipients of the annual Queen Elizabeth Prize. The coveted prize was first established in 1882 by Queen Victoria to recognize outstanding feats in science and literature with the majority conferred on scientists and a few doctors. Of course, only one dentist -- in 1883.
WHINNY BURRITO -- Now on worldwide tour and playing in Burbank, CA, "Cavalia's Odysseo" features high speed tricks and maneuvers performed by 67 stampeding riderless horses -- 21 stallions and 46 geldings. Or, as their called at Taco Bell headquarters, "ingredients."
CARDED -- Don't believe that buzz that Lindsay Lohan won't receive special treatment when she begins serving her court-ordered 90 day rehab sentence. He doctors have requested that her room be decorated like a club with velvet ropes across the doorway manned by two male attendants dressed as bouncers.
CAN'T GET UP -- A 27-year old girl sued 80-year old billionaire George Soros alleging she had to defend herself in bed by throwing a lamp at him. None of the other girls he's slept with believe a word of it. They point out that his bedroom has recessed lighting controlled with "The Clapper."
APPLE BLOSSOM TIME -- Disneyland celebrated its twice-annual "Dapper Day" with visitors dress in period costumes. Most popular was the World War II era -- leather patched elbow jackets, wingtips, and veiled hats for the girls. But it became a little too realistic. When they returned to the parking lot, their cars had been ticketed for gas rationing violations.
PANTS SUIT -- Rebounding from several years of internal scandal including prostitution allegations against agents, President Obama has appointed the first woman head of the U.S. Secret Service. She's already given the agency a more feminine image -- she's renamed it Victoria's Secret Service.
MEA CULPA -- Retired general David Petraeus apologized to a dinner audience at USC for his illicit affair with his biographer, Paula Broadwell. Which can mean one of two things -- either he's running for some political office or he wants his good conduct medal reinstated.
ICING -- President Obama bounced a soccer ball on his head while welcoming the Ryder Cup champions Los Angeles Kings hockey team to the Oval office. Why a soccer ball? You ever tried bouncing a hockey puck off your head?
POPE JERRY BROWN -- Newly-elected Pope Francis has refused the lavish top-floor Vatican penthouse in favor of a more modest two-room apartment in a nearby visiting priest's residence. More good news, he's been notified that he qualifies for return of the 30,000 Lira security deposit rookie popes usually have to pay.
MAD MARCHNESS -- In one of the biggest upsets in March Madness history, lowly Harvard polished off third-ranked New Mexico. Those who had been astute enough to bet on the Crimson Tide made a bundle. Which couldn't be more fitting. After all, U.S. currency has more portraits of Harvard graduates than any other college.
HORSELESS HEADMEN -- The government of Saudi Arabia is faced with a shortage of swordsmen trained to behead condemned prisoners. Apparently, the Saudis have never heard the old French proverb: "Teach a man to cut off heads and you pay him for life. Teach him how to make a guillotine and you pay him once."
SPOKES -- According to industry buzz, two scripts are in development that will depict the life of Lance Armstrong. The last blockbuster bike film was the black-and-white classic "Bicycle Thief." Of course, the Post Office and the corporations he mugged would prefer that this one be called "Thief."
OPEN UP -- For the first time since its opening in 1937, the 170,000 daily commuters using San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge will have no toll-takers to collect their money, replaced by electronic trackers. Motorists are billed later and jumpers are given credit for half the $5 toll they didn't use.
(Contents Copyright (c) 2013 Robert L. Mills All Rights Reserved)
A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!
