THURSDAY, January 31, 2013

TAKING A MULLIGAN -- Promising to mend his ways and  control his roving eye even when away on tour, Tiger Woods has reportedly asked his ex-wife Elin to reconcile.  But he may have some unexpected competition from someone younger and in better shape.  There's now reliable evidence that Elin was Manti Te'o's imaginary girlfriend.

SHELF LIFE -- Pity the U.S. Postal Service.  Not only has Lance Armstrong refused to return the millions they paid him, but the stamp with his portrait they hoped would sell big had to be yanked after several test subjects suffered a bad reaction to the glue.  It gave them an uncontrollable desire to store their urine in the refrigerator. 

 

PUMP YOU UP -- Arnold Schwarzenegger is reportedly pleading with Maria to take him back, but the Terminator has his work cut out for him.  He not only has to convince her that he's a changed man, but now he'll have to dispel the rumors floating around Hollywood that he's been having an affair with an imaginary maid.

START YOUR ENGINES -- Indy car race driver Danica Patrick has formally filed for divorce from hubby of seven years Paul Hospenthal, telling the Sporting News that their marriage is "irretrievably broken."  No real shock to Paul.  He sensed he was headed for the pits recently when she came to bed dressed in a black-and-white checkered nightie.

RAT-TA-TAT-TAT -- The Disney Co. shut down its Junction Point video game division after its epic "Mickey2" tanked big time.  Veteran gamers questioned following the announcement were of the opinion that maybe it wasn't a great idea to have Mickey hot wire Cinderella's car and then shoot cops during his getaway. 

(Contents Copyright (c) 2013 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved)

Crystal Gayle

 
THANKS FOR THE MEMORY -- Catch Crystal's duet with Bob "If They Could See Us Now" taped on temple steps in Peking, China 1979.  View over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget!
www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers

WEDNESDAY, January 30, 2013

RE BRANDING -- Chevrolet's legendary Corvette has been completely retooled for today's more tech savvy driver.  Always aimed at American men suffering mid-life crisis symptoms that include fear of impotency, it's now been renamed to represent the arrogance, dishonesty and greed necessary to afford to buy one -- it'll be called the "Lance Armstrong."

PLAY BALL -- The L. A. Dodgers have signed an $8 billion, 25 year broadcast contract with Time Warner Cable.  During the off season, the sports channel will feature reality fare with titles like "Desperate Dodger Wives of Beverly Hills," "Two and a Half Relief Pitchers" and "The Venetian Chef"  hosted by Tommy Lasorda.

McFRAUD -- Settling a lawsuit, McDonald's agreed to pay $700,000 to the Muslim community for claiming that its menu complied with Muslim dietary laws.  They admitted mislabeling "Chicken McNuggets" as "Camel McChunks" which they advertised using a cartoon goat wearing a turban. 

SHAFTED -- The P. G. A. is considering a ban on long-shafted belly putters because the club rests against the player's body called "anchoring."  Supporters of the ban include Rory McElroy, Steve Stricker and Tiger Woods.  Of course Tiger is against it.  A longer shaft makes the club easier for a woman to use as a weapon.

INCLUDE ME OUT -- According to the CDC&P, this year's flu vaccine is only 62% effective.  Granted the 62% covers the chills, the night sweats, the nausea and the diarrhea, but it's the ineffective 39% that was supposed to provide the hoarseness that makes calling in sick more believable. 

(Contents Copyright (c) 2013 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved)

Diana Ross

 
THANKS FOR THE MEMORY -- Watch Diana wow the cadets at the Air Force Academy in 1980 with "Hold Somebody's Hand." View over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget!
www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers

TUESDAY, January 29, 2013

POWER PLAY -- Over two thousand items collected by John Kennedy's best friend Dave Powers are being auctioned off, including JFK's Air Force One bomber jacket, a hand-written copy of his inaugural address and a pair of lace panties he gave J. Edgar Hoover to stop harassing Bobby that were returned because they didn't fit.

G'DAY MATE -- Australia celebrates its 225th birthday this week, marking the arrival of the first delivery of Irish convicts at Sydney Harbor.  Among the assorted criminals on board was Angus Gibson, great great grandfather of Mel, serving a sentence for driving his oxcart under the influence.  

DOUBLING DOWN -- In Las Vegas, MBA graduates from prestigious universities like Harvard and Wharton competed in a high stakes poker game to qualify for an executive job at Caesar's Palace.  Casino managers got the idea from the main showroom's annual "breast auditions."  
 
 

WIND RESISTANCE -- PepsiCo, Inc., makers of Gatorade, removed brominate from their formula  after discovering that the chemical is a patented flame retardant in Europe.  Which explains why college football players seldom do well in frat party flatulence-lighting contests.

YOU BETCHA -- Former John McCain running mate Sarah Palin had her $1 million-a-year contract with Fox News  cancelled because, according to a spokesman,"she's no longer hot." But not to worry.  She's already been signed to host Saturday Night Live where she'll  debut her dead-on Tina Fey impression.
 
(Contents Copyright (c) 2013 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved) 

Steve Martin

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY -- Watch Steve on "Bob Hope Salutes the World Series" in 1981 performing in a sketch he wrote himself.  View over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget!
www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers 

SUN, MON, January 27, 28, 2013

ONE-EYED BANDIT -- Celebrating its 25th birthday this week, "Phantom of the Opera" which debuted on January 26, 1988, has played eight times a week to audiences totaling 130 million, and has raked in a staggering $5.6 billion in box office receipts.  Repeat -- $5.6 billion.  And you wonder why the leading man wears a mask? 

INFANTIPRIDE -- Responding to rampant rumors bouncing around Tabville, Angelina Jolie has confirmed that she is, indeed,  gestating an heir.  In fact, she's already made arrangements to give birth to the child in Malaysia, claiming it just wouldn't seem like a real kid unless its born in an underdeveloped country.

PRRRRFECT -- PGA phenom Rory McElroy has signed a 10-year, $250 million endorsement deal with Nike.  But super cautious Nike insisted on some pretty stringent conditions.   For instance, no strip clubs before, during or after tournaments... no fraternization with Tour Groupies... and definitely no Thanksgivings at Tiger Woods's house. 

FAW DOWN -- Television's crowned queen of news, info and chat Barbara Walters is in seclusion at home in Manhattan recuperating from a serious fall.  She claims she did it in her apartment,  but reliable sources say it happened on the set of "The View" when she tripped over Joy Behar's tongue.

 

L'IL RASCALS -- The first of its kind in the nation, Hip Hop is now being offered as a minor at the University of Arizona's School of Music.  Hands-on classes guaranteed to prepare the student for a successful stage career include "Clever Phrasing," "Get to Know Your Rhyming Dictionary" and "How to Avoid Being Shot by Another Hip Hop Artist."
 

(Contents Copyright (c) 2013 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved)

WILT CHAMBERLAIN

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY -- View Wilt guesting and over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget! www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers

FRI, SAT, January 25, 26, 2013

CO-ED WAR -- U. S. Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta has officially lifted the longtime ban on Army and Marine Corps use of females in combat.  This is the most welcome news to men on the front line since the invention of chipped beef on toast.  At long last, foxholes with real foxes in them.  And no more "boots on the ground" -- from now on, "Stiletto heels on the ground."

NO NET -- No one it seems is immune to the 
unemployment curse.  The producers of Cirque du Soleil announced a layoff of 400 members of the world-famous acrobatic troupe.  Actually, they'll just fire 200 catchers and their trapeze partners will end up collecting Workman's Compensation instead. 

NOW ARRIVING -- Southwest Airlines has a new deal -- for an extra forty bucks, you're guaranteed being among the first fifteen to board.  And for $10 more you get your choice of sharing the pilot's pre-takeoff cocktail or the flight attendant will come around at mealtimes and show you pictures of food.

MEDICINE CHEST -- New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is being accused of lacking compassion for suggesting that uninsured patients not be given expensive prescriptions for pain.  He thinks the poor should relieve pain the same way they usually do -- by getting hooked on crack Tylenol.

OH DANNY BOY -- Gardai, Ireland will issue rural residents of County Kerry permits to drive under the influence of alcohol on the grounds that they are cab and designated driver challenged.  Worldwide reaction was swift -- MADD condemned the action, police chiefs called for an investigation, and Lindsay Lohan is there right now shopping for a country home. 

(Contents Copyright (c) 2013 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved)

Monday Night Football's Howard Cosell

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY -- View over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget! www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers

THURSDAY, January 24, 2013

FLIPPED -- With an expected 100 million viewers, this year's Super Bowl match up between the 49ers and the Ravens is poised to rake in $275 million with commercials costing a whopping $7.5 million per minute.  For bargain hunters, the token used for the coin toss goes for $300,000 per side. 
 

BLOCK BUSTED -- Movie distributor Blockbuster Video is closing 300 stores and sacking 3000 employees.  But the former retail giant hopes to ease the blow by helping them find new jobs and reeducating the geeks who loiter in the SyFi Section to switch to Laundromats or library reading rooms.

HE'S NOT BACK -- Former governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's over-hyped return to the silver screen fizzled as his poorly reviewed, $45 million "The Last Stand" raked in a measly $7.2 mill at the box office, his worst opening ever.  Another factor may have been the boycott declared by the National Association of Household Help. 

BONZAI -- One of Japan's most revered athletes, Grand Champion Sumo wrestler Taiho, whose 32 Emperor's Cups during a 15-year career made the 400 pounder the Babe Ruth of the Orient, passed away at age 72.  Following a brief graveside memorial service, he was buried in Tokyo, Nagasaki and Osaka.

SOAP-ON-A-ROPE -- Several thousand Penn State pigskin fans gathered on campus for a vigil commemorating the one year anniversary of legendary coach Joe Paterno's death.  A touching sight as vendors wandered among the crowd hawking autographed Jerry Sandusky shower caps and bathmats.

(Contents Copyright (c) 2013 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved) 

1980  The writers (L to R) Seaman Jacobs, Martha Bolton, Gene Perret, the Author, Jeffrey Barron

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY -- View over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget! www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers