TUESDAY, November 1, 2011

Virgin Galactic Airlines' Sir Richard Branson is vowing to give his first civilian passengers an experience as close to a real astronaut's as possible -- hours of floating around weightless sipping Tang while wearing a custom-fitted space suit with a built-in catheter.

A public cleanliness survey conducted by Kleenex-maker Kimberly-Clark shows that handles on gas pumps contain more bacteria than public toilets.   That tub of dirty windshield squeegee water is highly suspect, too.  Last week, the one I was using had tadpoles in it.    

After being killed by anti-government rebels, the body of former Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi was put on display in a popular Tripoli shopping mall.  Quite a sight.  They propped him up between Mrs. Field's Cookies and The Gap which was running a sale on medals.

To help speed up their security check-in, the TSA has devised special tests for airline pilots -- walking a straight line, standing on one foot with their eyes closed while touching their nose, and blowing into a balloon.

MONDAY, October 31, 2011

McDonald's now has a closed-circuit TV channel that delivers kid-friendly programming to its franchises.  So far the program lineup includes "The Egg McMuppets," "Big Mac & Molly," and "The McView."

Ashton Kutcher is in hot water with wife Demi Moore.  Four starlets claim they Jacuzzied naked with Charlie Sheen's "Two and a Half Men" replacement.   Big mistake coming home with bubble bath on his breath.

"Moneyball," the peanuts and Cracker Jack epic starring Brad Pitt as the General Manager of the Oakland A's, may well be the most realistic baseball film ever made.  It's so authentic, the theater where I saw it had an organ and a seventh inning stretch.

Troy Polamalu, defensive back for the Pittsburgh Steelers, recently drew a $10,000 fine for calling his wife on his cell phone during a game.  And he almost got away with it.  He shouldn't have switched to speaker-phone in the huddle. 

FRI, SAT, SUN, October 28, 29, 30, 2011

For the second consecutive year, Michael Jackson topped the Forbes list of dead-celebrity wage earners at $170 million.  A new sub-category of celebrities whose careers are dead but who still make money included Lindsay Lohan, Andy Dick and Michael Richards.

Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow supports a pledge of pre-marital abstinence for unmarried young adults.  He's really religious.  His snap calls usually sound something like "Matthew 13:24...  Corinthians 22:12...  Leviticus 19:33... hike!" 

At the direction of Congress, the U.S. State Department will issue a visa to any immigrant who agrees to buy a home here worth at least $500,000.  Already, they're facing their first dilemma -- do they let Roman Polanski back in or not? 

To teach Lindsay Lohan that her parole violations just won't be tolerated, a judge ordered her to perform public service at the L.A. Morgue.  More effective, really, would be a stint in the cold storage locker where the William Morris Agency stores the remains of dead movie careers.

THURSDAY, October 27, 2011

A letter written by Albert Einstein to a friend in New York recently sold for $40,000.  Its value is contained in what itdiscloses.  In it, the world-renowned physicist confesses that his Theory of Relativity was wrong. The formula should have read:  E=MC Hammer.

A badly discolored molar with a large cavity that once belonged to John Lennon will soon be up for
auction.  The certificate of Authenticity says it was extracted in Liverpool by his future wife who
was working at the time as "Painless Yoko."

Leaked reports from prison officials say Bernie Madoff has received life-threatening beatings from
his fellow convicts.  But they're being described as "Ponzi Beatings" -- big burly cons on the
bottom are constantly being relieved by crazed lifers on top so they can go on indefinitely.

The U.S. Labor Department has partnered with Facebook to link employment opportunities with
anxious job-seekers.  But the online opportunities aren't exactly primo -- escort services for women
and Guinea pigs in erectile dysfunction studies for men.

WEDNESDAY, October 26, 2011

To mark the 125th birthday of the Statue of Liberty on October 28, five real-time web cams will be activated on her torch.  Along with a view of New York Harbor, viewers can witness tourists being mugged, pockets being picked and wandering itinerants talking to themselves.

A driver for new York's Lickey Split Ice Cream was arrested for dispensing crack cocaine from his truck.  And he was getting away with it, too, until one of the kids' parents tipped off the cops when he asked for $150 for a kilo of Rocky Road.

Bruce Willis may be a bit long in the tooth, but he's undertaken to star in yet another sequel to his biggest movie, "Die Hard."  But it's not called "Die Hard 3."  In deference to its star, it's called "Died From Hardening of the Arteries."

This week marks the 150th anniversary of the transcontinental telegraph that for the first time allowed instant communication over long distances.  Not much has changed since.  During the first week of operation, several Amish teenagers were cited for telegraphing their friends while buggying.

TUESDAY, October 25, 2011

Will and Jada Smith have been offered a part-ownership of the Philadelphia 76ers.  According to reliable NBA insiders, it's part of a carefully crafted plan to lure Jack Nicholson away from the Lakers.

A panel of physicians and psychologists recommended that New York's Governor Andrew Cuomo approve state-paid sex change operations.  If  you thought Rent Control was bad, wait 'til the government controls your private parts.

Hard hit by the sinking economy, Medford Oregon's Rogue Valley International Airport has sought permission to place paid ads on their control tower.   The air controllers recently rejected a substantial offer from "No-Doz" to have the product tattooed on their forehead.

Queen Elizabeth is on a tour of Australia.  During her historic visit Down Under she'll meet with the Prime Minister to discuss the repatriation of aboriginal tribes, the establishment of a new Royal Navy training base in Perth and a Ladyship for Olivia Newton-John. 

MONDAY, October 24, 2011

The World Series Texas Rangers/St. Louis Cardinals match up is heading for the lowest TV ratings in history.   Network executives are so desperate to attract
viewers, they've even considered inviting Roseanne Barr to sing the National Anthem.

Hard to believe that the Facebook virtual game "Farmville" is being made into a major motion picture.  Harder to believe a porno version has been available
for some time -- "Debbie Does Old McDonald."

The U.S. Justice Department has instructed the F.B.I. to begin closing down medical marijuana dispensaries operating in California.  They'll begin with a popular
chain co-owned by Cheech, Chong, Willie Nelson and Woody Harrelson called "Dooby World." 

A Detroit man used his nine-year old daughter as his "designated driver" after he removed himself from behind the wheel drunk.  Could have been a lot worse. 
If they were in Mississippi, the girl would have been his wife.

FRI, SAT, SUN, October 21, 22, 23, 2011

Second Amendment activists in Georgia filed a federal lawsuit to affirm their right to carry their guns in church.  Their crack team of NRA constitutional lawyers claim to have supporting biblical quotes from Matthew, Mark, Smith and Wesson.

Bruce Willis is doing another "Die Hard" sequel, but longtime fans may notice some subtle plot adjustments to accommodate his advancing years.  For instance, there's still a heart-pounding chase scene -- but this one takes place on a wheel-chair ramp at a Veteran's Administration rehab clinic.

You know, kids are really inventive.  Some of the cleverest discovered that they can soak Gummy Bears in vodka to munch in front of unsuspecting parents.  Which might explain the growing popularity of the Betty Ford Day Care Center.

Congress is considering a bill banning over-the-counter asthma inhalers because they contribute to air pollution.   The government is getting too touchy about what goes into our lungs.  Did you know you can't even give someone mouth-to-mouth resuscitation without a special permit from the EPA?

THURSDAY, October 20, 2011

After months of legal wrangling, all of which was covered extensively on the sports pages, Dodger owners Frank and Jamie McCourt have arrived at a settlement.  Must be a religious connotation to this.  During a recent Dodger game, white smoke rose over the Cardinal dugout.

In Montreal, 100-year old British runner Fauja Singh became the oldest person in history to complete a marathon.   That's the good news.  The bad news is he was disqualified for using a cane.

The Bronx Zoo has an exhibit featuring the world's rarest insects and rodents.  It's mainly popular among the millions of tourists who flock to New York each year.  Native New Yorkers don't need to travel to the zoo to examine bugs -- they can just look at their sheets.

A study commissioned by the National Highway Safety Council shows that new teenage drivers face a 50% greater chance of wrecking the family car during their first month behind the wheel.  Which finally explains the sudden rash of girls quitting high school to marry tow-truck drivers.

WEDNESDAY, October 19, 2011

After losing Gatorade, AT&T, Gillette and others who all bailed when his marital infidelities came to light, Tiger Woods is ecstatic over his new endorsement deal with Rolex high-end timepieces.  His first TV commercial will be for the new Rolex Oyster Philanderer.

After years of turning down thousands of Cuban immigrants living in Miami, the State Department has relaxed restrictions on Americans visiting Cuba.  Which may not mean much to you, but Luci Arnaz can now visit the statue of her dad in Havana's Plaza de Ricky Ricardo.

This year's Nobel Prize winners impressed the judges with a theory that our planet is heading for a life-ending cataclysmic explosion.  They came up with their hypothesis after careful study of the earth's melting crust, the expansion of volcanic gasses and Mel Gibson's divorce.

Gibson Guitar CEO  Henry Juszkiewicz condemned federal agents for charging his company with using wood illegally obtained.  It's the worst thing to happen to Gibson since termites found in the drying kiln were traced to the CEO of Fender.  

TUESDAY, October 18, 2011

California governor Jerry Brown has signed a law that provides college subsidies to children of illegal aliens.  It was either that or see his lawns go unmowed, his pool go unskimmed, his favorite restaurant table go uncleared, his vegetables go unpicked, his pizzas go undelivered, his. . .

Alabama drug enforcement officials were stunned when they busted a female crack cocaine dealer who turned out to be 80-years old.  Unfortunately, she already had a rap sheet that includes drug possession and distribution and three convictions for felony Bingo fraud.

The U.S. government is now stuck with 248,000 foreclosed Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac-financed homes.  No doubt about it, Fanny and Freddy left a trail of destruction behind them that makes Bonnie and Clyde look like Donny and Marie.

The former police chief of crime-ridden Oakland, California has taken a security job at Harvard University.  He's going from drive-by shootings and drug deal murders to wearing socks with Sperry Top-Siders and seersucker after September 1. 

MONDAY, October 17, 2011

An investigation has confirmed that several popular pitchers with the Red Socks drank beer during games last season.  They would have gotten away with it, too, if the manager hadn't noticed the Jacuzzi they were soaking their arms in had a head on it.

Target Stores, Inc. has become the first national retailer to produce a lighter, easier-to-navigate shopping cart.  Best new improvement are the in-line, replaceable rubber wheels -- available at a substantial discount -- at Target.

WBC light-heavyweight champion Bernard Hopkins, who successfully defended his crown against Chad Dawson, is the oldest title-holder ever.  In fact, he goes so far back, in his first match he had to share the ring with several lions and a Christian.

Bank of America is now charging $5 per month for a debit card -- but not without a loud outcry from longtime depositors.  They may make them pay to access their own money, but they're not completely heartless.  They also offer a $3 card that allows them to visit their money.

FRI, SAT, SUN, October 14, 15, 16, 2011

Hank Williams, Jr. made a reference to Hitler while excoriating Barack Obama and immediately lost his job as opening singer on Monday Night Football.  They we're a tad unfeeling in notifying him.  The six-word telegram read:  "Are you ready for some unemployment?"

Herman Cain, once considered unelectable, has surged ahead of Mitt Romney and Rick Perry in the polls.  Apparently he's bringing some formerly undecided independents out of the woodwork that some TV pundits have nicknamed "Herman's Hermits."

The pastor of Kansas City's Westboro Baptist Church urged his followers to picket Steve Jobs' funeral because he "failed to give God glory."  He's just mad because Steve commandeered the apple Adam took a bite out of and parlayed it into the world's best-known corporate logo.

Several new generations will be introduced to 1960s super-thrush Madonna when she performs at the Super Bowl this year.  She'll pay tribute to her original fans with a special "Early Bird Halftime" just for them.

THURSDAY, October 13, 2011

Sharp-eyed net surfers have discovered several inaccuracies in the Dead Sea Scrolls recently put online in Israel.  For instance, Jesus's dad never toured with the Carpenters, the Ten Commandments were never called the Ten Behavioral Guidelines and Lot's wife was turned into a pillar of salt, not Accent.  

In London, Paul McCartney, 69, married the American heiress Nancy Shevell who's 51.  Some fear their age difference may be a problem and they're probably right.  Yesterday she said to him, "Will I still love you when?  Paul, when I'm 65, you'll be dead."

A woman in Moscow who had "died" at age 49 suddenly woke up while lying in state.  The KGB is  investigating the doctor who signed her death certificate.  As if Dr. Conrad Murray didn't already have enough legal trouble.

Tiger Woods, currently languishing at the lower depths of the PGA rankings list, has hired himself a new caddy.  With the divorce and the endorsement losses, Tiger's having worse financial problems than anyone imagined.  He told the new guy he'd have to provide his own pencil. 

WEDNESDAY, October 12, 2011

According to the Retailers Association, this year's most popular Halloween costumes are Snookie and a zombie.  One store is cashing in on the trend -- combining both into a getup they call the "Snombie" with plastic fangs that not only suck your blood but also test it for STDs.

During an interview on 60 Minutes, New York police Commissioner Ray Kelly  disclosed that his department now has the capability of bringing down an airliner by ground-to-air missile.  You have to admit that New York's Boys in Blue have come a long way since "Car 54, Where Are You?"

All major airlines will reduce their number of flights next year.  Which means fewer flight attendants, fewer ticket agents and reservations clerks on duty.  It also means fewer pilot pre-flight pick-me-ups at the airport cocktail lounge.  The National Association of Distillers has already appealed to the F.A.A.

With decades of experience designing sympathy and get-well cards, Hallmark has expanded their line into cards for those who have recently lost jobs.  Most are received by the newly-unemployed with appreciation -- with the possible exception of the pink ones.

TUESDAY, October 11, 2011

Hard to believe that Orlando's Disney World is celebrating its 40th anniversary.  Staffers are in 24 -7 partying mode and the gifts to loyal employees are being opened with typical Disney glee -- including for Mickey Mouse another finger on each hand, for Minnie a pair of more stylish shoes and Pluto is sporting a new flea collar.

In his hometown in Austria, Arnold Schwarzenegger, movie hero and former California governor, now has a museum dedicated in his honor.  It has three sections -- honoring his movie career, his political career -- and a special display of court subpoenas sponsored by the Domestic Workers of America.

British botanists and cardiologists have joined forces to develop a strain of "super-broccoli" that will help lower heart attack deaths in the UK.  But not nutritionally.  It has a stem that's digitally programmed to detect an abnormal arrhythmia and dial 911 on the victim's cell phone. 

Alarmed by the nationwide rise in childhood obesity, educators in Michigan have proposed a law that will require monthly weight monitoring of all school children.  Teachers should get ready for a new excuse -- "The dog ate my diet!"

MONDAY, October 10, 2011

An internal government audit disclosed that the Office of Personnel Management has paid $600 million to deceased federal retirees since 2011.  The Federal Retirement Board says they got the idea from the private sector.  They claim to have credible evidence that CNN continued to pay Larry King after his untimely death in 1998. 

According to friends who've read the first draft of Arnold Schwarzenegger's memoirs to be published next year, he confesses to having had even more children with his household help.  In fact, he wanted Simon & Schuster to call the book "The Help," but they told him it was already taken.

Joining the Slinky and Mr. Potato Head, the makers of Rubic's Cube have applied for entry into the Toy Hall of Fame.  May be rough going though.  Longtime members Barbie, GI Joe, Chatty Cathy and the Cabbage Patch Kids are picketing to block the nomination.        

After years of attending conventions and signing autographs from coast-to-coast, Star trekker Leonard Nemoy has sworn off meeting the fans.  Friends say he was devastated to learn that "nemoy" in Klingon means "illigitimate son of Bill Shatner and Lt. Uhura."

FRI, SAT, SUN, October 7, 8, 9, 2011

NBC has given "The Playboy Club" the axe after only two episodes.  Apparently, viewers found it was just too much trouble to wait for a bunch of virtual unknowns to take their clothes off when they could just switch over to "Dancing With the Stars" and watch Nancy Grace.

Amanda Knox is slowly becoming accustomed to being back in the U.S. after spending four years of virtual isolation in an Italian prison.  She expressed surprise at how much President Obama's approval rating has plummeted and how different Charlie Sheen looks on "Two and Half Men."  

Overcoming a centuries-old religious prohibition, women in Saudi Arabia have finally won the right to vote.  Never known to overlook an opportunity to make a killing, Avon has begun marketing a new line of exotically scented dye for them to stick their finger in.

A restaurant called "Obama Fried Chicken" has opened in Beijing.  The Chinese love to name food after American politicians.  The same restaurant boasts that its Orange Chicken is "the color of John Boehner." 

THURSDAY, October 6, 2011

American exchange student Amanda Knox has been freed after spending four years in an Italian prison on a murder conviction.  Emerging from her dank cell into the bright Rome sunshine, she told reporters the first thing she plans to do is take a long, leisurely hike along the Iran-Iraq border.

The new baseball film "Moneyball" is about building a team with players who get on base a lot, not necessarily those who hit home runs.  But the fans want the home run hitters.  It would be like hiring romantic leads from a pool of guys who only get the bra strap undone.

Steven Spielberg is writing and directing a film based on the life of Abraham Lincoln.  According to those who've read the script, he's integrating past successes into the plot.  For instance, Abe is now assassinated by a Great White while he and his wife are watching the Aqua Show at Sea World.

Does NBA Commissioner David Stern realize the impact his threat to cancel next year's season means?  Nike will have to stop making $195 basketball shoes -- Jack Nicholson may have to go back to Angelica Houston --- and without Kobe Bryant, De Beers says they'll have to declare bankruptcy.

WEDNESDAY, October 5, 2011

A government audit revealed that last year the Justice Department spent $4 million for sweets and pastries served at conferences they hosted.  Wow.  Those have to be the most costly government tarts since Gary Hart's and Bill Clinton's.

The Utah state legislature passed a measure requiring saloon-owners to install barriers to separate bartenders from patrons.  Apparently it's a biblical requirement -- like their rule that all margarita glasses must be pre-salted in the Lake.  

Award-winning celebrity chef Emeril Lagasse has signed with the Hallmark Channel to host a new cooking show featuring haute cuisine of the South.  Hallmark will sponsor the as yet unnamed program, but they do have a motto -- "When You Care Enough to Deep-fry the Very Best."

Last week, Barack Obama was confronted by a heckler at LA's House of Blues.  American citizens from coast-to-coast were shocked.  With unemployment and the national debt at an all-time high, we have a president who's spending time in The House of Blues?

MONDAY, October 3, 2011

According to a recent study by Travel & Leisure Magazine, New York's Times Square is the world's most popular tourist attraction.  The researchers discovered that tourists often cite attractions they've never been to, so they now have a more accurate method -- they ask the pickpockets.

A elk hunter armed with only a cross-bow was attacked by a grizzly bear near Yellowstone National Park.  The guy would have been killed if Friar Tuck hadn't distracted him by twirling his rosary beads over his head.

Believe it or not, you can now study the Dead Sea Scrolls on the Internet.  And after reading them, you can give them a "thumbs up," post a comment on Moses's wall, and become one of his followers.

To commemorate the anniversary of Henry Hudson's voyage up the Hudson River in 1611, people cheered a replica of his ship the Half Moon.  It was named the Half Moon because from the distance, the people on shore thought it was a floating outhouse.