WEDNESDAY, June 1, 2011

The Kardashian sisters have announced that they’re collaborating on their first book.  And if all goes as expected, some day they may take the plunge and try writing one.

NBC is claiming their new 60s-era drama “The Playboy Club” will be their most realistic series yet.  In order to watch it, you’ll need a special key that fits into the back of your TV set.

A Las Vegas builder is planning to erect a giant Ferris wheel on the Strip.  Actually, it will be a combination Ferris wheel and roulette wheel -- if your gondola stops between the two pegs, you win a roll of quarters, a lobster buffet coupon and a free room at Bally’s.

Faced with chickens that were fighting with one another, a Chinese farmer outfitted them with special eye-glasses.  It stopped the fights all right, but now the rooster has stopped making passes at the hens.

In response to Japan’s nuclear power plant disaster, Germany will abandon nuclear power.  Which did not come as good news to some Bavarian breweries -- now they’ll have to carbonate their beer in the old-fashioned way.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Against the advice of other non-professionals who have tried it, Cincinnati Bengal’s standout Chad Ochocinco threw caution to the wind and tried to ride a fighting bull at a rodeo.  How did it go?  Well, his teammates now call him “Ocho-Limpo.”

After seeking the advice of her clergyman and close family members, Maria Shriver Shwarzenegger has found it in her heart to forgive her former maid for the 10-year affair with her husband.  She has not, however, forgiven her 10-year refusal to do windows.

iPhone now offers an app that alerts subscribers to the presence of DUI checkpoints Called “Fuzz Alert.“  Not to be confused with Blackberry’s “Fuzz Alert” app which beeps whenever the user gets within 50 feet of a Winchells Donut Shop.

NBC will add some much-need glamour to their weight-loss reality series “The Biggest Loser” with the addition of tennis star Anna Kournikova as a contestant.  Anna realized she was having weight issues when she began using a footstool to jump over the net.

The New York Public Library will honor George Washington’s birthday by brewing a batch of beer using his personal recipe.  Library workers who’ve already sampled it report that it tastes like a cross between cherry tree sap and Delaware river water.
 

MEMORIAL DAY

Auckland, New Zealand health officials were called recently when casino employees became the victims of an unexplained flea infestation.  The problem came to light when a croupier manning a craps table noticed the dots on the dice were moving.

Officials in Athens are scrambling to avoid a complete collapse of the Greek economy and the bargain-hunters are lining up.  Economists predict that in the event of bankruptcy, the Olympic Games will have to be sold for ten cents on the gold medal.

Supermodel Estella Warren faces charges in LA of driving under the influence.  According to the arresting officers, she was definitely drunk --  when asked, she couldn’t touch her nose with her eyes closed or walk a straight runway.

Dubbed by most movie critics in need of an AA meeting, “Hangover II,” is being placed firmly on the “don’t bother” list.  There are still plenty of blackouts and blinding headaches, but this time they’re in the audience.  

McDonald’s is reformulating their grilled chicken sandwich after sample tasters reported that it was “too Italian.”  McDonald’s has been careful to avoid acquiring an ethnic identity ever since the disastrous debut of the “McSushi and Seaweed Kabobs.” . 

FRI, SAT, SUN, May 27, 28, 29, 2011

During an interview in the current issue of Rolling Stone, Donald Trump actually describes the best orgasm he ever experienced.  Before you get all excited, it had nothing to do with sex.  It happened when he finally landed a sucker to buy the Trump Casinos.

The far-reaching effects of high gas prices are being felt in LA’s bars and restaurants.   There are so few dinner guests along Rodeo Drive’s trendy trough trail, the snooty waiters have been reduced to being rude to each other.

Chrysler Motors has made the final payment on their $5.8 billion bailout loan from the U.S.  Apparently, we didn’t have the money long, though.  The Chinese ambassador sent Chrysler a thank you note.

A $215 million theme park outside of Beijing is expected to be open by summer.  Based on the popular Asian franchise “Miss Kitty,” its most popular ride is expected to be the “Spin-O-Rama” in which kids 7 and older will be allowed to experience weightlessness at speeds up to 75 mph inside of a giant hair ball.

This year marks the 125th anniversary of the world’s most popular soft drink, Coca-Cola.   However. when the first bottle of coke was opened on July 4, 1886, it wasn’t used to drink but to drop Mentos into to create the semblance of fireworks.

THURSDAY, May 26, 2011

Anti-fox hunting advocates were hoping Queen Elizabeth would condemn the cruelty of fox hunting during her recent visit to Ireland.  Not likely as it’s a centuries-old tradition that spawned the riddle:  Name two things that smell like sweaty royals and their horses after a fox hunt?  Barns and nobles.

The GOP’s newest candidate is former governor of Minnesota Tim Pawlenty.  Among former governors, shouldn’t Arnold Schwarzenegger be the one with “paw” in his name?

Dick Cheney’s new book about his eight years as vice president in the Bush administration really brings back vivid memories.  Getting through it is almost like being water-boarded yourself.

During an interview on 60-Minutes, A former teammate of Lance Armstrong accused the seven-time Tour de France winner of injecting performance-enhancing steroids.  According to Lance, the substance was Preparation-H he needed to use those narrow seats.    

The Ohio Legislature is considering a bill to legalize concealed firearms at sporting events.  Which is great news for the Ohio State football program.  Now their mascot “Pecos Pete” will be able to use real pistols during his sideline routines.

WEDNESDAY, May 25, 2011

California governor Jerry Brown will host Prince William and Duchess Kate during their state visit in July.  His aides say there’s some confusion about curtsying. That’s ridiculous.  I know Jerry and he doesn’t care if Kate curtsies or not.

The South Carolina Legislature is considering a bill that would make gold and silver coins legal currency.  Let’s hope they didn’t notice the opening grosses of “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.”   They’ll add dubloons.

NBC will debut a 60s era drama set in Chicago entitled “The Playboy Club.”  Hugh Hefner is acting as a consultant on the new series which isn’t easy at his age.  He needs a double dose of Viagra just to tweak his memory of it.

Miss Wisconsin was asked to return her winner’s sash to Miss USA officials after a rap sheet showing a conviction for identity theft surfaced.  The talent portion of the contest should have raised suspicions.  She did an impression of Lindsay Lohan shopping.

A team of French scientists determined that children of the Mundurucu tribe in the Amazon, without formal training, understand geometry as well as their French and U.S. counterparts.  They understand complex concepts like the hypotenuse of triangles and right angles and when stumped reply, “A monkey ate my homework.” 

TUESDAY, May 24, 2011

Followers of evangelical broadcaster Harold Camping who believed that Jesus would return to earth on May 21 and accompany “believers” to heaven were disappointed when the predicted “earthquake” did not occur.  Camping now defends his prediction, claiming that Jesus took over Charlie Sheen’s body and will escort us to heaven during his upcoming “Hop Aboard the Salvation Express” tour.

Tom Brady, New England Patriots quarterback and husband of model Giselle Bundchen, has been named the NFL’s top salary-earner at $18 million.  He may need every penny of it.  The Rhode Island Attorney General is investigating allegations that he’s deeply involved in “super-model fighting.”

Ricki Lake is reportedly writing her memoirs scheduled for publication early next year. She’s considering several titles, but the front-runner appears to be “My Life: From Hairspray to Scarsdale to Jenny Craig to Weight-Watchers to Atkins to… ”   

After a long search to replace Charlie Sheen on “Two and a Half Men” that included an audition of Hugh Grant, CBS has signed Ashton Kutcher to take over the role.  Accordingly, the network is considering a name change to “Two Men and a Boy-Toy.”

For the first time in the history of the German Republic, 16-year olds in the city of Bremen have been given the right to vote.  The one time that was tried in the U.S., an "American Idol" winner was elected mayor of Pookeepsie.

MONDAY, May 23, 2011

Hoping to become a hit among Asian small fry, the Nick Channel has opened an outlet in Singapore.  Their slate of culture-friendly programs includes “Sushi-Bob Square Pants,” “Sesame Shrimp Street,” and “The Oriental Rugrats.”         

Being called the first of its kind, the Tennessee Legislature is considering a bill that would ban teachers from saying the word “gay” in K through 8 classrooms.  The ban would be so all-inclusive, even references to Tennessee Williams would be prohibited.

A new stamp honors one of our first astronauts, Alan Shepard.  He was lucky.  At the time, America’s space program was so anxious to beat the Russians, when they sent up a mongrel, we answered them with a Shepard.

The Postal Service is closing selected post offices that are too inefficient.  No surprise here.  Some of their employees have such poor work habits, they even deliver their own e-mail late.

Convinced that their recent slump is due to lack of focus in the dugout, Yankee manager Joe Girardi has posted some new, stricter rules.  From now on, no more I-pods, laptops, Camron Diaz or Kate Hudson.

FRI, SAT, SUN, May 20, 21, 22

Facing multiple charges arising out of non-consensual sex with a hotel maid, Dominique Strauss-Kahn has resigned as head of the International Monetary Fund.  According to an aide, he plans to stay in the U.S. and run for governor of California.

The San Francisco Board of Supervisors may impose a ban on circumcision anywhere within the city limits. Seems just too many men were leaving more than their hearts in San Francisco. 

This week, Queen Elizabeth II became the first British monarch in four decades to visit Ireland, placing a wreath at the War memorial Gardens in Dublin.  Then she paid the Irish what they consider the highest honor afforded to their culture -- she got blotto in the Hound and Thistle Pub in County Cork.

According to a recent AMA study, sex, coffee consumption and sneezing increase your chances of having a fatal stroke.  So if you enjoy lots of sex, spend hours at Starbucks and suffer from allergies, best you stop reading this and dial 911.

The franchise-wide McDonald’s makeover scheduled to begin soon will include the latest electronic devices including flat-screen TVs and wi-fi internet access.
And if current negotiations with Bill Gates work out, you’ll be directed to their in-house server -- McMicrosoft.

THURSDAY, May 19, 2011

Aging 70s bopper idols Donny and Marie Osmond are about to release their first duo album in 30 years which they have high hopes will launch a new craze -- Hot Flash Dancing.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is starring in his first post-statehouse film entitled “Cry Macho” about a trainer who kidnaps his employer’s horse.  Warner Bros. thought it would be a pretty safe bet.  How could he grope a horse?  

As if he needed more bodyguards, Prince William now rates an additional protective detail from Scotland Yard.  Over the weekend, Queen Elizabeth formally declared his bald spot a British Protectorate.  

Rumors are rampant that John Travolta, co-starring with Lindsay Lohan as her father in “The John Gotti Story,” is trying to recruit her into Scientology.  Actually she’s a natural.  She’s already made a science out of grand larceny.

To the relief of friends, Whitney Houston has voluntarily checked herself into drug rehab.  She realized she needed help when she read a Vanity Fair article in which she told an interviewer she was named after her grandfather who invented the cotton gin.

WEDNESDAY, May 18, 2011

Ex-California governor Arnold Schwarznegger now admits that he fathered a child with a member of his household staff before he became governor.  Apparently, while he was pumping iron he was also pumping someone ironing.

After forty five years of Never Walking Alone, Jerry Lewis will step aside as host of the annual Muscular Dystrophy telethon.  Thank $100-a-barrel oil.  Just maintaining his hair was cutting into the research funds.

Multiple-divorcee Marie Osmond has decided to re-marry her first husband whom she married because she thought he looked like Donny Osmond.  This time she’s marrying him because his bank account looks like Donald Trump’s.

Manila’s Catholics recently staged a “circumcision party” for recent converts to the faith.  According to several eye-witnesses, they had more snippets left over than Joan Rivers, Cher and Phyllis Diller combined.

Taking a page from Hugh Hefner’s play book, Paul McCartney who is 68, is engaged to marry a girl who is 51.  He’s already re-written the 60s Beatles hit he now calls “When I’m 104.”

TUESDAY, May 17, 2011

Pakistan gave the U.S. permission to interview bin Laden’s wives, but most Americans had seen them before -- on CNN when they were married to Larry King.

The world’s safest delivery driver was recently honored by UPS after accumulating four million accident-free miles.  Actually, he had a few but no one reported him.  Whenever he knocked a fender off, he thoughtfully left it propped against the owner’s front door.

Payton Hillis is having second thoughts about allowing John Madden to use his photo on the cover of his video game.  And he has plenty to be nervous about.  The last guy on the cover had his butt dissected on TV by Madden’s famous “tele-strator.”

According to the latest study on corporate popularity, Google has the best Q rating among Americans.  Makes sense.  You can “Google” anything and get the answer you need.  You ever tried to “Pepsi” anything?

Soccer legend David Beckham was recently cited by the LAPD for rear-ending a black Mini Cooper in front of him.  Had a pretty good excuse, though.  He told police that out of habit he was trying to drive it into the fish net hanging in front of The Red Lobster.

MONDAY, May 16, 2011

Those confiscated videos showing Osama bin Laden wrapped in a blanket watching a 10-inch black and white TV shocked most Americans.  Actually, he ordered cable eight years ago and had been sitting there waiting for the installer to show up.

The dissolution of the fairy tale Schwartznegger-Shriver marriage should actually have occurred over ten years ago.  All this time, she thought he was saying “I vant a deep voice.”

An ice cream shop in London will soon offer a flavor that mimics human breast milk.  Let’s hope it sells better than last year’s ill-fated Ben & Jerry’s “Pamela Anderson Cookie Dough.”

A new study indicates that people who are obese have a difficult time achieving satisfaction when having sex.  It appears that most of them have so many folds, they only think they’re having sex.

New research indicates that fish oil, long thought to be a healthy dietary supplement, may not be so beneficial after all.  Worse, it seems to cause some users to think it’s normal to urinate in their swimming pools.

FRI, SAT, SUN, May 13, 14, 15, 2011

British film actor Hugh Grant is negotiating with Warner Bros. to replace Charlie Sheen on “Two and a Half Men.”  Not at Sheen’s salary, of course, since Hugh has fewer expenses --  street hookers being considerably cheaper than “goddesses.”      

Despite the recent STD outbreak among porn actors, the City of Los Angeles has announced that it will shutter the Health Department’s Communicable Disease Clinic.  Or, as the Kardashians refer to it, “Medicare.”

According to world census figures maintained by the UN, by the end of this year there will be seven billion people populating the earth -- 68% of whom will have appeared as contestants on “American Idol.”

Canadian health officials have detected bedbugs in a rundown Vancouver hospital carrying a drug-resistant staphylococcus.  There is one slim ray of hope, though.  So  far, the only thing that has completely eradicated the bug is hospital food.   

Amid the cheers of thousands of pilgrims in Vatican Square, Pope John Paul II was beatified.  Now all he needs for full sainthood is one more miracle.  Apparently, the present pope’s belated apology for the priest-pedophile scandal isn’t enough.

THURSDAY, MAY 12, 2011

The L.A. Lakers were knocked out of the NBA playoffs by an embarrassing 122-86 blowout at the hands of the Dallas Mavericks.  Looks like Kobe Bryant knew the team would fail to “three peat.”  His new $89. basketball shoes, the “Nike Agony of De-Feets,” will reach stores next week.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il has sent out feelers that indicate his interest in resuming trade with South Korea.  And he has plenty of goods to trade -- 5,000 short-portly size Eisenhower jackets and 78,000 tons of empty rice bowls.

McDonald’s has announced they will soon open 700 new restaurants in China.  In tune with cultural differences, several new items have been added to the menu including Kung Pao Chicken McNuggets, Mushu Gai Pan Pacific and Peking McDuck.

Scott Pelley who will replace Katie Couric on “The CBS Evening News,” sensed his days as a reporter on “Sixty Minutes” were numbered when Andy Rooney began addressing him as “Dude.”

Flood waters have completely reconfigured cities along the Mississippi with water cresting at 48 feet in historic Memphis and expected to reach levels in Vicksburg rivaling those of the historic 1927 flood.  State legislators have changed the official state song from “Ol’ Man River” to “Com’on a My House.”

WEDNESDAY, May 11, 2011

“Thor,” the mythical action-packed Norse saga, opened to impressive box office receipts of $66 million, but confusion seems to reign over the film. According to exit polls, 37.3% of the weekend audience thought Thor was the Norse God of Banging Your Thumb with a Hammer.

The pilot on an American Airline flight from Houston to Chicago had to divert the plane to St. Louis after a deranged passenger attempted to open the door at 30,000 feet.  Several alert passengers knocked the guy out by pummeling him with their dinner rolls.

Maria Shriver knew her 25-year marriage to former California governor Arnold Schwartzenegger was toast when she heard he was working on a new movie to be called “The Prenuptionator.”

With the retirement of Phil Jackson after 11 NBA Championship rings, the LA Lakers are searching frantically for a replacement but prospects look slim.  They may have to settle for an agent from ICM with experience handling overpaid film colony prima- donnas.

L.A.’s Skirball Museum is featuring a display of Houdini’s cages, straight-jackets, chains, saws and other magical memorabilia through September.  Opening day crowds had to cool their heels, though, when no one could figure out how to open the door.

TUESDAY, May 10, 2011

NATO forces successfully bombed Moammar Gadhafi’s Tripoli compound, but failed to take out the beleaguered dictator.  Turns out he’s been buying bullet-proof medals from an unethical U.S. defense contractor.

The latest financial reports indicate that the L.A. Dodger organization is so strapped for cash, players may not be paid for the month of May.  Which explains the leaked inter-office memo advising the players to keep all the bases they steal.

Barack Obama told Steve Kroft on “60-Minutes” that the wait for a report from the Navy Seals assaulting bin Laden’s compound “was the longest forty minutes of my life.”  And not just the suspense of war -- he never goes that long without a smoke break.

Sentenced to community service for her latest conviction, Lindsay Lohan has been assigned to give acting lessons to homeless little theater members.  First lesson covers how to convince clerks at Ralph’s that the bulge in your sweatpants isn’t a frozen dinner.

The Green Bay Packers have announced that the team has chosen Josten’s Jewelers to design and manufacture their Super Bowl rings.  Josten’s has managed to become a leading jewelry dealer with just two customers -- the Packers and Kobe Bryant.

MONDAY, May 9, 2011

Mel Gibson’s new movie “The Beaver” is being panned by critics.  In it, Mel uses a hand puppet to channel his problems.  The beaver is the first anti-Semitic hand puppet since Shari Lewis’s Lamb Chop admitted she wasn’t kosher.

“Judge Judy” Sheindlin, longtime queen of the video bench, has re-signed with CBS to dispense TV justice through 2015.  She had only one competitor who qualified for the job, but dodged the bullet by committing Paula Abdul to a mental institution.

Attempting to reverse plummeting sales, struggling Wal-Mart will once again offer handguns for sale.  More difficult to qualify now, though.  Along with the government-required background check, you have to win a quick-draw contest with the store’s elderly greeter. 

Police in Cincinnati recently had to use a taser gun on a nude man who was running around threatening people.  They charged him with indecent exposure, creating a public nuisance and assault with a dead weapon.  

Shooting “Jersey Shore” in Italy has presented problems the producers didn’t anticipate.  And then some.   Snooki apparently doesn’t translate well.  The Italians working on the set have nicknamed her “Il Duce.”

FRI, SAT, SUN, May 6, 7, 8, 2011

Ronald McDonald is no longer McDonald’s official clown but executives insist that he’s been reassigned to their new Gourmet Coffee Division where as “McJuan Valdez,” he’ll appear with his mule at selected franchises touting their new “McFrappachino Latte.”    

In a brilliant display of cross-promotion, McDonald’s has replaced the small toys in Happy Meals due to a swallowing hazard to small children.  From now on, kids will receive a coupon for a free Margarita at Applebees.

The new Rand McNally world map includes over 700 islands discovered since their last map was published.  On one of them, cartographers noticed a tattered, faded sign that read “Fantasy” while human fossils discovered nearby appeared to be those of Ricardo Montalban.  

China, saddled with the highest rate of tobacco-related deaths in the world, has banned smoking at most indoor venues.  They realized the enormity of the problem when Vera Wang designed a kimono with a reinforced oxygen tank pocket.

The 42km Gaza Strip Marathon, the first ever, was won by Olympic hopeful Nader el Masri in two hours, 42 minutes, 47 seconds -- which Guinness has recognized as the longest distance ever run by a Palestinian who wasn’t being chased. 

THURSDAY, May 5, 2011

In an upcoming biopic, Lindsay Lohan will play the daughter of mobster “Teflon Don” John Gotti.  To prepare her for the role, producers asked nurses at the Betty Ford to convince her she was in the Witness Protection Program.

A 90-year old woman in San Diego, California is selling mail-order suicide kits for $60.  When her age was revealed, most people were shocked.  Who would have guessed there was a Mrs. Kevorkian?

Beating out Ford and a Turkish auto company, Nissan has been awarded a billion dollar ten-year contract to provide taxicabs for the City of New York.  Design features include a sight-seeing sunroof, an I-Pad plug-in and a more private “snuggle seat” for hookers and their clients.  

A Los Angeles motorist escaped injury when he plowed his car through a Del Taco restaurant, ending up in the kitchen.  Police credited his driver’s side air bag and three bean and onion burritos.

The citizens of Antoona, Pennsylvania were paid $25,000 to temporarily change the name of the city to help promote Morgan Spurlock’s new movie.  They’re getting spoiled.  They already collected $50,000 for naming the city Altoona.

WEDNESDAY, May 4, 2011

The CIA didn’t want to have to schlep bin Laden’s body all the way back to the states, so they gave him a one-way ticket to Davy Jones’ Locker.  If they thought he was hard to find, wait until they try to get the EPA to issue them a permit to pollute the Mediterranean.

Talk about hiding in plain sight.  Turns out Osama owned a rent-controlled flat in Greenwich Village, was on the short list to replace Regis, and recently completed a stint as a floor manager for Charlie Sheen.

Everyone was caught by surprise by the news of bin Laden’s sudden demise at the hands of Navy Seals.  It took Letterman over an hour to place an ad in the new York Times  announcing open auditions to replace him.

Two LAPD traffic control officers have been put on administrative leave for appearing, in uniform, in a porn film.  Actually, their faces weren’t identifiable, but a city Health Department doctor recognized them from their pre-employment physicals.

According to the latest actuarial statistics, there are now 72,000 centenarians alive in the U.S., a number expected to increase seven-fold by 2030.  The down side is there will be only two programs on TV by then -- reruns of “Murder She Wrote” and “Lawrence Welk.”

TUESDAY, May 3, 2011

To cash in on the latest Windsor Clan romance, PBS is producing an eight-part mini-series based on Kate Middleton's pursuit of Prince William as she received advice and encouragement from a group of close school chums.  Watch for it.  They're calling it "Middlesex And the City."

New York's Radio City Music Hall hosted the NFL Draft Pick ceremony in which first pick went to the Carolina Panthers who chose top college QB Cam Newton.  They came close to blowing it.  The Panthers General Manager got so excited, he wrote down "Olivia Newton-John."

The fallout from Action Comics' announcement that their Krypton-born superhero Superman is renouncing his American citizenship is already being felt.  Clark Kent now relates so closely to his fellow undocumented aliens, he's given up phone booths, preferring to don his tights and cape in a Home Depot parking lot.

For the first time in the long history of higher education in America, women receiving college degrees outnumber men.  The custom of tossing mortarboards into the air at graduation hasn't changed, but now they sail much higher -- the gals are using their bras and garter belts as slingshots.

Paul Newman’s 1963 VW Bug with a 300 horsepower Ford engine and a five-speed gearbox is being offered for sale at $250,000.  True it’s a bit pricy, but the new owner will save at the gas pump.  The car runs on salad dressing.

MONDAY, May 2, 2011

Newlyweds William and Kate have revealed some of their wedding gifts.  The Queen gave her grandson a jeweled regimental sword from the Crimean War and she gave Kate a pair of Burmudas -- designer shorts from Donna Karin and the actual island.

A book dealer found a rare 500-year old book in a Salt Lake City attic.  Lexicographers believe it’s a copy of the only cookbook ever written by William Shakespeare -- “Omelette.“    

According to a survey conducted by Psychology Today Magazine, people living in Denmark are overall the happiest humans on earth.  Contrary to popular belief, absolutely nothing seems to be rotten there.

Bowing to Michelle Obama’s campaign to improve kids’ diets, AMC Theaters have promised to provide healthier snacks at the concession counter.  And none too soon.   Not long ago, theater owners considered a healthy snack anything that kids couldn’t stick under the seats.

During his speech accepting the mantle of power from his brother, Raul Castro thanked John Kennedy for putting his country on the map.  Until JFK, the only “Bay of Pigs” anyone had ever heard of was the Jimmy Dean Pork Sausage processing plant in San Francisco.