Sunday, February 25, 2007

[] Cheney visits Australia to drum up support for the war. (Associated Press 2/23)

At his welcoming ceremony, he was allowed to shoot an elderly aborigine in the face.

Next day, he was the keynote speaker at the annual convention of the International Association of Lesbian Dads.
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[] Jimmy Carter: "Cheney's batting average on the war has been abysmal." (ABC News 2/23)

His shotgun marksmanship has been nothing to write home about either.
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[] Carnival cruise tourists subdued muggers near San Jose, Costa Rica, snapping one's neck. (USA Today 2/23)

Using survival techniques learned at the Midnight Buffet.

They were on a theme cruise: "Discovering The Mysteries of South Central LA."
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[] The British Army in Afghanistan admits using psychics to help them locate Osama Bin Laden. (CNBC 2/22)

After astrologers recommended by Nancy Reagan failed.
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[] The Taliban has released seven more threatening videos. (Cable News Network 2/23)

Referred to at the Pentagon as a "boxed set."
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"I'm honored to shake the hand of the brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."

George W. Bush 5/25/04 Washington, D.C.
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[] A new study shows that auto makers' milage claims are inflated. (ABC News 2/23)

And that "new car smell" lasts about half as long as they claim.
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[] The ACLU protests the use of super-sensitive airport x-ray machines. (ABC News 2/23)

Despite the TSA's offer to airbrush out your love handles.
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[] A Christian group sued a Philadelphia school for banning Jesus costumes on Halloween. (Associated Press 2/24)

Problem was the young redeemers were going door-to-door demanding loaves and fishes.
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[] NASA issues detailed procedures for treating astronauts who go haywire in space. (Associated Press 2/24)

Rule one, get that emergency astro-diaper on them ASAP.
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[] The gourmet chefs at the $50,000 a month rehab facility treating Britney Spears are called "recovery nutritionists."
(Associated Press 2/24)

The beauty salon operators are called "baldness councilors."
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[] DefSec Gates apologized for the run down, mouldy, flooded refurbished hotel housing outpatients at Walter Reed Army Hospital. (NBC News 2/24)

That's the good news. The bad news is he's asked FEMA to fix it.
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[] A Greenwich Village Taco Bell was found to be overrun with rats. (Associated Press 2/24)

Fittingly, some as large as chihuahuas.
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[] A 990 pound squid was caught in antarctic waters south of New Zealand. (Associated Press 2/24)

Watch for Red Lobster's annual "Squid-O-Rama" promotion coming to your town soon.
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"Keep good relations with the Grecians."

George W. Bush 6/12/99 The Economist
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[] A bodyguard for Anna Nicole Smith told Larry King he tried to save her with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. (Cable News Network 2/23)

Now he's claiming he fathered the kid and wants a cut of the dough.
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[] Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones showered 40 Las Vegas strippers with $81,000 in small bills. (USA Today 2/23)

Which entitled him to three lap dances and a free buffet at Caesar's.
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[] Donald Trump will be interred under the wedding chapel on the grounds of his Bedminster, N.J. golf course. (USA Today 2/23)

Everything except his hair which he's promised to the Smithsonian Museum.
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[] Trump's beachfront mansion Maison de L'Amitie in Florida is for sale for $125 million. (USA Today 2/23)

Which comes with or without his live-in housekeeper/chauffeur/valet... Rosie O'Donnell.
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[] Chimps living near Senegal have been observed using spears. (USA Today 2/23)

Switch blades if they're Crips.
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[] A Quantas flight attendant was fired after she admitted having sex with Ray Fiennes in a restroom between Darwin and Mumbai. (USA Today 2/20)

And I'm thrilled to get a blanket, a pillow and a bag of stale peanuts.
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[] Archivists found a receipt dated 1546 and signed by Michelangelo for a night's lodging at St.Peter's Basilica while painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. (USA Today 2/20)

Included were several items from the mini-bar and three soft porn films.
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[] Actress Bridget Moynahan claims Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is the father of her child due in July. (USA Today 2/20)

Later, if the kid goes into overtime.
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[] Splashgear of Huntington Beach is offering polyester swimwear for Muslim women . (USA Today 2/19)

Currently featured on the cover of the annual swimsuit issue of "Amish World."
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[] Harlequin Books has launched a 16-book series of NASCAR-themed romance novels. (New York Times 2/19)

"Lanette gasped as Todd's Pennsoil-stained fingers eagerly released the buttons of her flame-retardant Nomex jumpsuit. Now the question was... could he reach the checkered flag without another pit stop to refuel?"
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"I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together."

George W. Bush 8/18/00 Bartlett, Tenn.
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[] In the latest polls, Israel's prime minister Ehud Olmert got a 14% approval rating. (USA Today 2/19)

You know you're in trouble when Bush offers his condolences.
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[] Evander Holyfield, 44, will fight Vinny Maddalone, 33, in Corpus Christie. (USA Today 2/19)

Evander has hired professional boxing's first cutman/gerontologist.
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[] Prince Harry has received orders to report for military duty in Iraq. (Cable News Network 2/22)

Yesterday, he called Bush and said "Could YOUR father get me out of it?"
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[] McDonald's franchise owner Lou Groen invented the "Filet-O-Fish" in the 1960's to feed his Catholic customers during Lent. (USA Today 2/20)

His "Filet-O-Chopped Chicken Livers" aimed at the Jewish customers failed to catch fire.
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[] "Miracle Child" Amelia Taylor is medically out-of-the-woods after only 22 weeks in the womb. (USA Today 2/21)

Which, when you think about it, is less time than Charlie Sheen has spent in there.
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"Laura and I don't realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis."

George W. Bush 4/15/00 CNBC
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[] Robert Adler, who invented the TV remote while working as an engineer at Zenith, died at age 93. (Los Angeles Times 2/17)

His memorial service will take place as soon as they find his body.
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[] Britney Spears, her head shaved bare, got two tattoos on her neck. (Associated Press 2/18)

She wanted tattooed underpants, but the guy missed.
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[] New Mexico is testing urinal cakes that display anti-drunk driving slogans when they get wet. (Associated Press 2/17)

From www.Name-in-the-Snow.com.
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[] An Army drill sargeant was relieved of duty for appearing in a porn movie. (HBO 2/16)

"Debbie Does Fallujah."
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"I haven't had a chance to talk, but I'm confident we'll get a bill that I can live with if we don't."

George W. Bush 6/13/01 Brussels, Belgium
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[] CDC study shows that West Virginia, Kentucky and Mississippi lead the nation in heart attacks. (Associated Press 2 /17)

No surprise. Down there hog jowls is considered a vegetable.
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[] Fitness Magazine ranked Las Vegas the nation's fattest city. (CBS News 2/16)

And Wayne Newton its fattest entertainer.
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[] Clint Eastwood has been named a knight in France's Legion of Honor. (Associated Press 2/18)

He got a medal and a statuette of Jerry Lewis.
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[] The mummified body of a Hampton Bay, NY man was found watching TV, still on after a year. (Associated Press 2/18)

Neighbors thought he was rehearsing for a shot on "American Idol" doing his impression of Keith Richards.
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[] Mitt Romney has declared that he'll run for president in 2008. (PBS 2/17)

Or, in Mormonese, he tossed his sacred fishnet underwear in the ring.
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[] Two priests in Palm Beach, FL are accused of embezzling $8.6 million from St. Vincent Ferrer parish over a 40-year period. (Time Magazine 2/16)

First time priests have been charged with collection plate molestation.
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[] Montana is about to adopt the nation's first official state lullaby. (USA Today 2/16)

The theme from "Brokeback Mountain."
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[] Police officers in Nezahualcoyotl, Mexico are required to learn English before being promoted. (USA Today 2/16)

Starting with correctly spelling the name of their town.
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"Security is the essential roadblock to achieving the road map to peace."

George W. Bush 7/25/03 Washington, D.C.
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[] Boston to ban trans fats. (Associated Press usa 2/16)

They'll begin by deporting Teddy Kennedy.
_______________________________________

[] California to legalize assisted suicides. (USA Today 2/16)

Mainly to protect the producers of "American Idol" from prosecution.
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[] The Mashpii Wampanoog tribe has been named an official Indian nation. (USA To2day /16)

They've launched a nationwide search for an easier-to-pronounce name for the casino.
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[] By 2030, 20% of US residents will be 65 or older. (USA Today 2/16)

And CBS will be back in first place.
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[] The window from which Lee Harvey Oswald shot JFK failed to attract qualified bidders on e-Bay. (Associated Press 2/18)

It was offered as a package deal with a piece of the railing from the Chapaquiddick Bridge.
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[] Kleenex debuts a new box with photos on the side. (USA Today 2/12)

Which Kimberley-Clark hopes will do for missing noses what the milk carton did for missing kids.
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[] Harvard has installed its first woman president. (USA Today 2/12)

"From the tables down at Morrie's to the place where Louise dwells... "
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[] Singer Gerald Leverts' death was due to a fatal combination of Vicodin, Percocet, Darvocet, and Xanax. (USA Today 2/12)

A mixture known in the medical community as a "Limbaugh."
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[] Treasury Department releases a $1 coin with the image of George Washington. (USA Today 2/12)

Replacing the canceled $3 bill with a portrait of Mark Foley.
_______________________________________

[] Top Shiite cleric al Sistani says, "No one knows but Allah when this tragedy will be over." (USA Today 2/13)

And Bush won't get the word until he tells Jesus.
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"This has been tough weeks in that country."

George W. Bush 4/21/2004 Washington, D.C.
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[] Bush told C-Span "Most of Iraq is in good shape." (USA Today 2/13)

And also that Prince Von Anhalt is the father of Anna Nicole's baby.
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[] Fossils found on the Ivory Coast indicate that chimps used tools as long as 4300 years ago. (USA Today 2/13)

And never returned them to the gorillas they borrowed them from.
_______________________________________

[] Justice Scalia's daughter was arrested for drunk driving and endangering her three children. (Associated Press 2/14)

Maybe Cheney's daughter could adopt them.
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[] UN study shows US ranks last among industrialized nations in child welfare. (USA Today 2/15)

Thanks in large part to "family values" conservatives like Scalia's daughter.
_______________________________________

[] McCain told reporters "It's not the US presence in Iraq that upsets voters but rather the number of casualties." (USA Today 2/13)

Which includes, for good reason, any chance he may have had to occupy the Oval Office.
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[] Pentagon sources say the use of "explosively formed penetrators," EFP's, has increased drastically in Iraq. (Associated Press 2/12)

Not to be confused with "improvised explosive devices," IED's... troops "missing in action," MIA's... or "gatherers of grossly inaccurate intelligence," CIA.
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"My job is to... like... think beyond the immediate."

George W. Bush 4/13/2004 Washington, D.C.
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[] Men who approve of office romances outnumber women who do 47% to 36%. (USA Today 2/12)

About the same breakdown as those who steal office supplies.
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[] Ex-NFL quarterback Kenny Stabler owes the IRS $500,000. (USA Today 2/12)

Seems his tax lawyer's nickle defense didn't work as promised.
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[] In Bangkok, Thailand, "Epicurean Masters of the World" starring top-rated Michelin chefs Alain Soliveres, Antoine Westerman, and Jean-Michael Lorain hosted 40 gourmands paying $25,000 each for a ten course meal that included Creme Brulee of foi gras, mousseline of pattes rouges creyfish with morel mushroom infusion, tatar of Kobe beef with Imperial Beluga caviar, Periogard truffles, coquille Saint-Jacques, live Brittany lobsters, and white truffles, washed down with $200,000 worth of vintage wines including a 1967 Chateau d'Yquem, a 1959 Chateau Rothschild, a 1985 Romance Coati, 1990 Crystal Champagne and a 1961 Chateau Palmer considered "one of the greatest single wines of the 20th century." (Associated Press 2/11)

Dessert was a small child.
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[] General David Petraeus takes charge of US forces in Iraq, warning of "barbaric enemies who brag of inhuman acts... " (USA Today 2/11)

And that's just Pelosi, Mertha and Obama.
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[] Astronaut Sunita Williams set the women's space walking record at 22 hours. (USA Today 2/9)

And she managed to do it without wearing Pampers.
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[] Toyota officially joined the NASCAR Nextel Cup racing circuit. (USA Today 2/9)

Good match. Rednecks and the setting sun.
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[] KKK membership is growing as leaders stress the influx of illegal immigrants. (USA Today 2/9)

Wait until they discover who picks the cotton for those sheets and pillow cases.
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[] Richard Branson and Al Gore have posted a $1 million prize for a formula to reduce global warming. (New York Times 2/10)

Al will toss in an additional $250,000 if it also includes weight loss secrets.
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[] North Dakota will downgrade cohabiting from a sex crime to fraud if marriage is promised. (Associated Press 2/10)

A one night stand with livestock remains a misdemeanor if consensual.
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[] New "Fox Faith" division will market faith-based films. (Los Angeles Times 2/10)

Actually, it's their former science fiction division renamed.
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[] A Catholic cardinal close to the pope caleds the ban on teaching intelligent design in school "censorship." (Associated Press 2/10)

The padre has a point. Who but an intelligent designer could create a fresh, untouched altar boy?
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[] A laboratory at Princeton used to study ESP and telekineses shut down after 28 years. (Associated Press 2/11)

Worse, they didn't see it coming.
_______________________________________

[] Rev. Ted Haggard says rehab revealed that he's not gay. (Associated Press 2/10)

And to prove it, he donated his entire collection of show tune albums to benefit AIDS research.
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[] Airline Pilots Security Alliance says 8% of the nation's 100,000 pilots fly while carrying a gun. (Associated Press 2/11)

Next time he points out landmarks on the ground, you'd best take a peek.
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[] UC researchers find that male sweat triggers sexual arousal in females. (Associated Press 2/11)

But its advantages are canceled by a butt crack or a pocket donut.
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"And I want those who are questioning it to step up and explain why all of a sudden a Middle Eastern company is held to a different standard than a Great British company."

George W. Bush 2/21/06 Air Force One
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[] L. Paul Bremer tells House committee: "I acknowledge I made mistakes in Iraq." (USA Today 2/7)

Not the least of which was wearing combat boots with $3000 Armani suits while Uzi-bearing mercenary bodyguards insurred his complete immunity from the vicissitudes of actual combat.
_______________________________________

[] Pentagon admits that it issued "moral waivers" to 35,000 troops now serving in Iraq and Afghanistan, many of them convicted felons. (Cable News Network 2/6)

Criminals started it. Criminals will finish it.
_______________________________________

[] Army Colonel Douglas on the troop "surge": "It's going to be much more than Baghdad has ever seen. It's going to be a rolling surge." (USA Today 2/6)

Think "Lawrence of Arabia Meets NASCAR."
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[] Evangelical Christian Bishop of Kenya denies the authenticity of Richard Leakey's 1.6 million year old skeleton of "Turkana Boy," saying, "These sorts of silly views are killing our faith." (USA Today 2/7)

Based, of course Bishop, on your silly views.
_______________________________________

[] Despite protests from scientists, the National Park Service's Visitor Center continues to sell "Grand Canyon: A Different View" which attributes the formation of the canyon to Noah's flood . (USA Today 2/5)

It's in the Science Fiction section, but still...
_______________________________________

[] Hasbro recalled over a million "Easy-Bake" toy ovens after multiple injuries were reported. (MSNBC 2/6)

Including cut fingers, bruised knuckles and several suicide attempts.
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[] M.A.C. has introduced a line of makeup that emulates the "Barbie" look.(USA Today 2/6)

Comes with a syringe for injecting air into your brain cavity.
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[] Wal Mart will sell day-old TV episodes for $1.98. (USA Today 2/6)

For ordering a copy of "American Idol, they'll pay YOU $1.98.
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[] Author of "Parenting the Millennial Generation" says: "The very narcissictic honestly believe they are awesome even when there's no evidence." (USA Today 2/6)

And that's just the judges.
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[] A soccer stadium in Italy has been closed until further notice following a post-game riot. (USA Today 2/6)

The championship match between the Sicilian Godfathers and the Catania Goodfellas.
_______________________________________

[] Apple Computers has settled a trademark dispute with the Beatles music company, Apple, Inc. (USA Today 2/6)

The high-level negotiations stalled when both sides refused to take custody of Yoko Ono.
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"That's George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three... three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting?"

George W. Bush 5/5/06 Washington, D.C.
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[] Ryan O'Neal faces charges of taking a shot at his son, Griffin, which he claims was in self-defense. (USA Today 2/5)

That's the bad news. The good news is Griffin has been signed as the on-air TV spokesman for Hearth-Master fireplace pokers.
_______________________________________

[] Astronaut Lisa Nowak charged with attempted murder, could get 30 years to life. (Cable News Network 2/6)

When she was told to get her instructions from Houston, she apparently thought they were talking about Whitney.

Colleagues believe she snapped after being told her next mission would be to Pluto.

NASA officials have alerted the public to be on the alert for the following warning signs that they're about to be attacked by a deranged astronaut:

1) Keeps yelling "One small step for man, one giant leap for CSI!"

2) Is carrying weapons in all 13 pockets of her flight suit.

3) Appears to be drooling Tang.

4) Warns you that "The eagle is about to land on your face."

5) She's weightless and you're not.
_______________________________________

[] Bowing to gay protests, Snickers dropped a commercial showing two straight men kissing and General Motors is under fire for a commercial showing a robot contemplating suicide. (USA Today 2/7)

You want a protest? Just wait until the top brass at NASA sees the new Depends commercial.
_______________________________________

[] From now on, the CDC will rank flu pandemics like hurricanes. (Associated Press 2/21)

And name them after those Bush administration putzes who got us into Iraq.
_______________________________________

[] Biden calls Obama "clean." (Associated Press 2/1)

The opposite of, say, Eddie Murphy's character in "Trading Places."
_______________________________________

[] The Virginia Legislature is considering a measure that would apologize to African-Americans for slavery. (Associated Press 2/1)

A rider that would apologize for Joe Biden died in committee.
_______________________________________

[] A jail nurse in Pittsburgh refused to give a rape victim birth control pills on "religious grounds." (USA Today 2/1)

Suggesting, instead, stoning the raspist.
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[] Illegal betting on the Super Bowl reached a record $8 billion. (Cable News Network 1/4)

Six billion of which will eventually end up with The Sopranos.
_______________________________________

[] Sandra Day O'Conner on the Supreme Court's decision in Bush vs. Gore:
"Given more time,I think we probably would have done better." (USA Today 1/2)

Exactly what Bush's parents have been saying for years.
_______________________________________

[] West Virginia will offer courses on how to reverse the state's rampant obesity rate. (Time Magazine 2/12)

Rule number one: No more than three deep fried possums a week.
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[] Gripped by the worst drought in its history, Queensland Australia will use water from recycled sewage. (Time Magazine 2/12)

But vintage sewage... from France.
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"Calling Bush shallow is like calling a dwarf small."

Molly Ivins 1944 - 2007
_______________________________________

[] The City of Los Angeles has set up internet cafes on Skid Row. (USA Today 2/1)

Which explains all those "Will Download For Food" signs popping up around town.
_______________________________________

[] Americans spent 1% more last year than they earned. (ABC News 2/1)

And charged it on their credit cards at 18% interest.
_______________________________________

[] The state of Georgia may apologize for sterilizing 3300 mental patients between 1937-1977 to eliminate "heriditary flaws." (USA Today 2/2)

Known down there as "redneck cleansing."
_______________________________________

[] Quarterback Brett Favre, 37, has resigned with the Packers. (Associated Press 2/3)

After the NFL graciously waived their "no walkers in the huddle" rule.
_______________________________________

[] San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsome apologized to voters for an adulterous affair with his appointments secretary. (Associated Press 2/2)

I didn't even know mayors had Oval Offices, did you?
_______________________________________

[] General George Casey to the Senate Armed Services Committee: "I actually don't see it as slow failure. I see it as slow progress." (New York Times 2/2)

Pentagon lingo for "The glass isn't half empty, it's half full... of American blood."
_______________________________________

[] ABA's Maryland Nighthawks have signed 370 pound, 7-9 Sun Ming Ming, who will be the tallest player in pro basketball. (USA Today 2/1)

He'll be shipped from Beijing in sections and reassembled in Baltimore.
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"Actually I... this may sound a little West texas to you... but I like it. When I'm talking about... when I'm talking about myself... and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me."

George W. Bush to Chris Matthews on "Hardball" 5/31/00
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Wednesday, January 31, 2007: "Shhhh... "

[] The University of Dallas has withdrawn its bid to host the George W. Bush Presidential Library. (USA Today 1/23)

They've decided to build the J.R. Ewing Library instead. More books.
_______________________________________

[] Pete Sampras, away from the courts for five years, will play in a senior tournament. (USA Today 1/30)

The "AARP-Centrum Silver-Metamucil-Cialas-Flomax-Salonpas Open" in Sun City.
_______________________________________

[] CBS canceled "Armed & Famous" after only four episodes. (Cable News Network 1/30)

Seems the famous couldn't avoid arresting suspects who were also famous. The non-famous had simply had enough.
_______________________________________

[] Sarah Lee sacks 1700 employees. (ABC News 1/29)

Even the company's namesake was pinkslipped. Their new slogan: "Nobody Doesn't Like Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York."
_______________________________________

[] A tone-deaf Hillary Clinton was caught on an open microphone mangling the National Anthem during a visit to Iowa. (NBC News 1/29)

On a brighter note, she's been invited to perform at the San Diego Padres season opener.
_______________________________________

"Those who enter the country illegally violate the law."

George W. Bush 11/20/05 Tucson, Arizona
_______________________________________

[] Democratic congress vows to make global warming a top priority. (USA Today 1/30)

There's already a bill in the works to place Al Gore on the Endangered Species List.
_______________________________________

[] The captain of the nuclear submarine USS Newport News was relieved of duty after running his ship into a Japanese tanker. (USA Today 1/30)

Which fast tracked him onto Bush's short list for Navy Secretary.
_______________________________________

[] New Yorkers are suffering an invasion of bed bugs. (USA Today 1/27)

Mayor Bloomberg is this close to declaring a quarantine on Paris Hilton.
_______________________________________

[] The Beijing government has released a list of newly recognized job descriptions including "sports agent," "video mixer" and "pet doctor." (USA Today 1/29)

Formerly called "chef."
_______________________________________

[] Fishermen off the coast of Tokyo netted a rare, prehistoric shark, that lives at 2000 feet. (USA Today 1/24)

Known as a "living fossil," it has eel-like skin, rows of sharp teeth... oops, sorry, that's Donald Trump.
_______________________________________

[] Silverjet Airlines offers beds, gourmet meals and vintage wines on daily round trip business class between London and Newark. (USA Today 1/25)

So far, their biggest problem is coaxing passengers to get off the plane in Newark.
_______________________________________

[] Bush's approval rating at 28%, matching Nixon's a week before he resigned. (USA Today 1/28)

Just to be on the safe side, he's ordered Cheney's doctors to set his pacemaker on "pardon."
_______________________________________

[] Martha Stewart is helping boyfriend Charles Simonyi prepare for his journey to the Space Station in April. (USA Today 1/23)

He'll spend the mission in a French Provincial, Louis XIV captain's chair on an early American, Queen Anne inspired flight deck.
_______________________________________

[] Illinois Senator Dick Durbin to Anderson Cooper on CNN: "Cheney is delusional." (Cable News Network 1/25)

Just because he imagined the WMD's... a welcome as "liberators"... an insurgency in its "death throes"... "enormous successes" in Iraq? How about psychopathic?
_______________________________________

[] The average price of a seat at the Super Bowl is $5,115. (Associated Press 1/27)

Another $1500 if you want a back on it.
_______________________________________

[] Prince Charles and wife Camilla visit City of Brotherly Love. (USA Today 1/29)

Where the Prince participated in talks on urban renewal, global health care and human rights violations on "American Idol."
_______________________________________

[] Combination birth control-acne pill approved by FDA. (USA Today 1/30)

No kids, no zits.
_______________________________________

"Not over my dead body will they raise your taxes."

George W. Bush 1/5/02 Ontario, CA
_______________________________________

Friday, January 26, 2007: Tee For Two

[] An Australian passenger was removed from a Quantas flight for wearing a T-shirt with a photo of Bush that said "World's No. 1 Terrorist." (Associated Press 1/24)

The back had a picture of Cheney and the inscription: "World's Proudest Lesbian Grandpa."
_______________________________________

[] Isiah Washington enters rehab. (Associated Press 1/24)

Which could put him in the same graduating class as Lindsay Lohan, Mark Foley and Michael Richards.
_______________________________________

[] Attorney General Gonzales says the Constitution doesn't guarantee every citizen the right of habeas corpus. (S.F. Chronicle 1/24)

Citing as legal authority the works of Heinrich Himmler.
_______________________________________

[] Michigan court rules that the crime of adultery could draw life imprisonment. (Los Angeles Times 1/20)

Death by stoning if Gonzales has anything to say about it.
_______________________________________

[] On the third deadliest day in Iraq, insurgents infiltrated a green zone near Kabala wearing US Army uniforms. (Washington Post 1/22)

But, Bush was quick to boast, they were members of "the best-equipped, most highly motivated fake US Army in the world."
_______________________________________

[] Kerry: "I won't enter the 2008 presidential race." (Cable News Network 1/24)

But being Kerry, he could reverse course at any moment.
_______________________________________

"I like the idea of people running for office. There's a positive effect when you run for office. Maybe some will run for office and say, vote for me, I look forward to blowing up America. I don't know if that will be their platform or not. But it's... I don't think so. I think people who generally run for office say, vote for me, I'm looking forward to fixing your potholes or making sure you have bread on the table."

George W. Bush 3/16/05 Washington, D.C.
_______________________________________

[] A 1966, 800-horsepower Shelby Cobra sold at auction for a record $5.5 million. (Associated Press 1/22)

Pricy until you realize it included an extended warrenty.
_______________________________________

[] Oakland Raiders hire Lane Kiffin, at 31 the youngest coach in modern NFL history. (S.F. Chronicle 1/24)

He can't even get in to watch the game films unless accompanied by a parent or adult guardian.
_______________________________________

[] Bush's State if the Union Address drew more viewers than "American Idol." (ABC News 1/24)

Everybody was happy. Either way, they got an amateur.
_______________________________________

[] Study at the Oregon Health and Science University shows that 8% of sheep are gay. (New York Times 1/25)

And 73% of those prefer farmers.
_______________________________________

"It's very interesting when you think about it, the slaves who left here to go to America, because of their steadfast and their religion and their belief in freedom, helped change America."

George W. Bush 7/8/03 Dakar, Senegal
_______________________________________

Sunday, January 21, 2007: Here She Comes...

[] The Miss America Pageant is being revamped to make it more "relevant." (Associated Press 1/20)

Any contestant expressing a desire to "eradicate world hunger" will receive a free African orphan and a Lifetime Gold Pass at Denny's.
_______________________________________

[] The Motion Picture Association of America is revising its film rating system.(Associated Press 1/19)

And adding several new classifications:

1) PDC Must Be Accompanied by Parent or Parent's Divorce Lawyer
2) NFG Some Frontal Nudity Accompanied By Giggling
3) SPSN Stars Pauley Shore... 'Nuf Said
4) NARS Not Another "Rocky" Sequel
5) WGPC Who Greenlighted This Piece of Crap?
_______________________________________

[] A woman emerged after 19 years alone in the Cambodian jungle burbling, grunting and walking bent over. (Associated Press 1/20)

Oh, sorry... that was Rosie O'Donnell showing up for work on "The View."
_______________________________________

[] Bush to Scott Pelley on "60 Minutes": "You know, saying 'Bring 'em on' was a mistake." (USA Today 1/19)

But not as disastrous as saying "I will" at his swearing-in.
_______________________________________

[] Los Angeles will bid on the 2016 Summer Olympics. (Associated Press 1/20)

Offering a new event: the 1600 Meter American Idol Audition Medley Relay.
_______________________________________

"Saddam would still be in power if Kerry were president of the United States and the world would be a lot better off."

George W. Bush at the presidential debate on 10/8/04
_______________________________________

[] Julie Winnifred Bertrand, the world's second-oldest woman, died in Montreal at age 115. (Associated Press 1/20)

As a teen, she baby sat Dick Clark.
_______________________________________

[] Former Ohio Republican Congressman Bob Ney draws 2 1/2 years for his role in the Abramhoff scandal. (New York Times 1/20)

He's undergoing orientation at the Mark Foley Reception Center in the Dan Rostenkowski Unit of the Duke Cunningham Crooked Hack Politician Correctional Facility.
_______________________________________

[] The House has revamped the student intern program to protect the pages from sex abuse by members of Congress. (USA Today 1/20)

Lawmakers admit that their mistake in the past was relying on advice from Catholic Church leaders.
_______________________________________

[] Pope Benedict XVI will travel to Brazil to attend May's Conference of Latin American Bishops. (Associated Press 1/20)

During which time, he's expected to canonize George Lopez, Cameron Diaz, Penelope Cruz, Antonio Banderes, Jennifer Lopez and name Ricardo Montalban a cardinal.
_______________________________________

[] Forbes Magazine crowns Oprah Winfrey the "Richest Woman in Entertainment." (Associated Press 1/20)

Amid ugly rumors that she gifted the judges with free cars.
_______________________________________

[] Soon New York cabs will be equipped with video screens displaying product ads. (Associated Press 1/20)

Some imbedded in the driver's turban.
_______________________________________

[] A House investigation found that 24 cruise passengers went missing between 2003 and 2005. (Los Angeles Times 1/20)

And that's not even counting the ones who fell into the Midnight Buffet and disappeared.
_______________________________________

"It's my honor to speak to you as the leader of your country. And the great thing about America is you don't have to listen unless you want to."

George W. Bush at Ellis Island, New York on 7/15/01
_______________________________________

[] Sunnis outraged as Iraq botches the hanging of Saddam's half-brother by snapping off his head in the process. (USA Today 1/16)

Time for another peek at that "Texas Execution Handbook" Bush gave them for Christmas.
_______________________________________

[] For the first time since it began, a majority of Americans believe the US will lose the war in Iraq. (USA Today 1/16)

There's a silver lining, though. By the same margin, most believe that The Donald will sign a peace treaty with Rosie.
_______________________________________

"I strongly believe we're doing the right thing. If I didn't believe it, I'd pull the troops out, nor if I believed we could win, I'd pull the troops out."

George W.Bush on 4/6/06 in Charlotte, N.C.

"I think the tide is turning... see, as I remember... I was raised in the desert, but the tides kind of... it's easy to see a tide turn... Did I say those words?"

George W. Bush on 6/14/06 in Washington, D.C.
_______________________________________

"Nixon was Camelot to political satirists."

Art Buchwald -- 1925-2007
_______________________________________

[] AARP recalls child safety seat data after FDA challenges their testing procedures. (USA Today 1/18)

Seems they failed to use real children.
_______________________________________

[] Tobacco companies deny charges that they knowingly increased nicotine levels.(ABC News 1/18)

One slimeball executive at Philip Morris even asked, "What's nicotine?"
_______________________________________

[] Harley-Davidson posts a 4% rise in sales. (ABC News 1/18)

Spurring identical increases in beer sales, missing teeth and tattoos.
_______________________________________

[] Renamed LA/Ontario and LA/Palmdale airports expect to alleviate the crowding at LAX. (USA Today 1/16)

Still awaiting approval... LA/Anaheim/Azuza and Cu----camonga International.
_______________________________________

[] CIA to be made more flexible, remove barrier between spys and data analysts. (USA Today 1/16)

From now on, BOTH will be allowed to wear Ray-Bans and Burberry raincoats.
_______________________________________

[] Muslim teachers in Bavaria aren't allowed to wear head scarves while Catholic nuns' habits are okay. (USA Today 1/16)

The nuns have an advantage. The state bird of Bavaria is the penguin.
_______________________________________

[] Manhattan's New York Downtown Hospital is set to perform the world's first uterus transplant. (USA Today 1/16)

Christian Fundamentalists are strongly opposed, claiming embryos have a "right to life housing." (USA Today 1/16)
_______________________________________

[] Donald Trump gets a star on Hollywood Boulevard. (USA Today 1/16)

His hair is already in the cement at Graumann's Chinese.
___________________________________

[] Phil Michelson is reworking his form preparing for the Bob Hope Desert Classic. (USA Today 1/17)

Phil now breaks his wrists earlier on the downswing and chokes later in the tournament.
_______________________________________

[] Lt. General Dan Halutz, responsible for Israel's botched invasion of Palestine, has resigned. (USA Today 1/17)

Won't be out of work long, though. He'll join the war-planning firm of Don Rumsfeld & Associates.
_______________________________________

[] The Navy will name a new carrier after Gerald Ford. (USA Today 1/17)

Equipped with a stumble-proof gangplank.
_______________________________________

[] Bucking a long-time trend, TV dramas will feature more Christian conservative characters. (USA Today 1/17)

Most will be killed off early by the more intelligent left-leaning characters, but it's a start.
_______________________________________

[] Rumors persist that David Beckham joined the LA Galaxy to pursue a career in Hollywood. (USA Today 1/17)

Reports vehemently denied by his wife, Posh Oregano.
_______________________________________

[] The first regular-season NFL game will be played in England. (USA Today 1/17)

With a few changes to accomodate British sensibilities:

1) Coin toss replaced by the "Euro Flip"
2) Rupert Everett will act as an enterpreter for John Madden
3) No changing of guards without presence of a Beefeater
4) Line judges will wear robes and wigs
5) Tailgate parties limited to strawberries and cream
_______________________________________

[] Seven federal prosecutors were sacked by the Attorney General Gonzales with no explanation. (MSNBC 1/17)

Wouldn't you think Harriet Meirs could find a new job on her own?
_______________________________________

[] Lindsay Lohan has entered rehab. (USA Today 1/18)

She's been assigned a bed in the Britney Spears Unit in the Mel Gibson Wing of the Paris Hilton Hilton.
_______________________________________

[]The body of James Brown is being kept in a "chilled room" until a site for his mausoleum is chosen. (USA Today 1/17)

Actually, James is bunking with Ted Williams and Walt Disney.
_______________________________________

[] Age-O-Matic.com allows users to age photos of themselves up to fifty years. (USA Today 1/18)

Watching American Idol will do the same thing.
_______________________________________

[] The NHL has unveiled safer, more durable uniforms to be adopted by all teams. (USA Today 1/18)

The old ones had inadequate armor which had to be upgraded by the players' families and friends.
_______________________________________

"My pro-life position is I believe there's life. It's not necessarily based in religion. I think there's a life there, therefore the notion of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." (George W.Bush on 1/23/01 to the San Francisco Chronicle)

"I'm also mindful that man should never try to put words in God's mouth. I mean, we should never ascribe natural disasters or anything else to God. We are in no way, shape or form should a human being play God." (George W. Bush on 1/4/05 to "20-20")
_______________________________________

[] Bush promises to veto a House bill that would require the federal government to negotiate with drug companies to lower Medicare prices. (USA Today 1/12)

But most think he'll come around when Pfizer cuts off his free Viagra.
_______________________________________

[] Bush to "60 Minutes": "I'm the educator-in-chief." (Los Angeles Times 1/15)

Whose duties, we hope to God, won't conflict with those of his job as "the decider."
_______________________________________

[] A digitally-created Orville Redenbacher will appear in a commercial during half time at the Super Bowl. (USA Today 1/12)

If the public buys Orville, the Pentagon plans to kill a digital version of Osama Bin Laden, tell Bush they got him, and bring home the troops.
_______________________________________

[] David Beckham has signed with the Los Angeles Galaxy for $250 million. (USA Today 1/12)

And seems to be generating more interest in soccer than Mia Hamm's sports bra.
_______________________________________

[] MSC's new cruise liner "Orchestra" will cater primarily to passengers from Italy, France and Germany. (USA Today 1/12)

When the ship crosses the equator, they'll reenact World War II.
_______________________________________

[] About 40% of cats in the US are obese. (Associated Press 1/12)

What do they expect when their only exercise is shredding the occasional couch?
_______________________________________

[] A National Intelligence Agency report warns that the Hesbollah is gaining on Al Qaeda as a national threat. (USA Today 1/12)

Both, however, still trail Christian Fundamentalism by a wide margin.
_______________________________________

[] Air Force staff sergeant Michelle Manhart faces a court martial for appearing nude in Playboy Magazine. (USA Today 1/12)

Remove your clothes in today's military and they'd better be blood-soaked.
_______________________________________

[] Customs and Immigration officers have doubled their seizures of counterfeit designer goods coming in from abroad. (USA Today 1/12)

Thanks in large part to their synchronized, super-accurate Tag-Heuer knock-offs from Beijing.
_______________________________________

[] The Democrats have chosen Denver as the site of their 2008 presidential nominating convention. (USA Today 1/12)

Preparations are already underway to secure an adequate supply of hotel rooms, rental cars and hookers.
_______________________________________

[] The Los Angeles Dodgers will offer all-you-can-eat bleacher tickets for $30. (Associated Press 1/14)

Which has to be the biggest culinery news from the ballpark since Tommy Lasorda installed that salad bar in the bull pen. _______________________________________

[] Pepsi will unveil 35 new container designs to appeal to the youth market. (USA Today 1/15)

Including printed directions for the short attention spanners like "Open This End."
_______________________________________

[] Gerald Ford ranked Clinton "an average president, overall... " (Associated Press 1/13)

And if there was ever an expert on "average"...
_______________________________________

"As you know, we don't have relationships with Iran. I mean... that's ever since the late 70's, we have no contacts with them, and we've totally sanctioned them... You can't... we're out of sanctions."

George W. Bush on 8/9/04 Annandale, Va.
_______________________________________

[] The FAA may raise the commercial pilots retirement age to 65. (USA Today 1/10)

But the aging jet jockies will be restricted to "early bird" flights, cleared to land only at "easy" airports and be allowed "first-in-line" use of the restroom closest to the cockpit.
_______________________________________

[] Chicago's "Loopa-topia," an all night celebration of the city's urban renewal, will take place in May. (USA Today 1/15)

But don't confuse it with "Driveby-topia" which honors their skyrocketing firearm death toll.
_______________________________________

[] California has chosen a name for its earthquake awareness program: "Shift Happens: Secure Your Own Space." (USA Today 1/10)

It barely edged out "Being Buried Alive is a Bummer: Run Like Hell!"
_______________________________________

[] Kobe Bryant's jersey is back in the top spot as the NBA fans' favorite. (USA Today 1/11)

It's almost as popular as Mrs. Bryant's t-shirt that says "All I Got Was This Lousy Diamond Ring."
_______________________________________

[] Dracula's Transylvania castle is up for sale. (USA Today 1/11)

It may be acquired by the IRS and converted into a training facility.
_______________________________________

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."

George W. Bush on 10/18/00 in LaCrosse, Wisconsin
_______________________________________

C I N E M A - V E R I T I E S

"Little Miss Sunshine"

Semi-biographical documentary that examines, through interviews, clips and court reenactments, the life and career of Katie Couric.

"Blood Diamond"

Psychological thriller in which the camera tracks a down and out Triple A reliever bent on satisfying a delusional obsession to knock off the entire Cleveland bull pen one hurler at a time.

"The Queen"

This Robert Altmanesque look at a day in the life of Mr. Blackwell fondly recalls the halcyon days of "The Hollywood Squares" with rare clips of Waylon Flowers & Madam sparring comedically with Paul Lynde.

"The Good Shepherd"

This sequel to "Brokeback Mountain" features a Turkistanian sheepherder who, after being discovered having an affair with a member of his flock, must struggle to avoid being replaced by a "good shepherd" who is able to keep his tunic zippered while on duty.

"Babel"

A backstage parody of "The View" with Oscar-worthy performances by Meryl Streep as Barbara Walters and Sasha Baron Cohen as Rosie O'Donnell.
_______________________________________

Monday, January 8, 2007: Regrets Only...

[] Army apologizes for sending letters asking wounded and dead soldiers to reenlist. (Associated Press 1/6)

How would you like to be needlessly sacrificed at the altar of that incompetent nitwit twice?
_______________________________________

[] Rehnquist was addicted to the now-banned sedative Placidil and often hallucinated, newly released medical records show. (ABC News 1/6)

Which solves the mystery of why his colleagues often referred to him as "Rush."
_______________________________________

[] Bush replaces Casey and Abazaid with officers more sympathetic to his "surge" plan. (Cable News Network 1/5)

Family insiders admit that even Laura rejected his "surge" plan when he attempted one during his honeymoon.
_______________________________________

[] "The enemy is reacting the way we expected them to and that will ultimately lead us to triumph," said Lt. Col. Andrew Pappas in Fontimiya, Iraq. (Los Angeles Times 1/6)

Andy commands the storied 101st Wishful Thinking Reconnaissance Battalion, 37th In Your Dreams Brigade, 13th Land of Oz Regiment, Pie in the Sky Company.
_______________________________________

"But Iraq has... have got people there that are willing to kill, and they're hard-nosed killers. And we will work with the Iraqis to secure their future."

George W. Bush on 4/28/05 in Washington D.C.
_______________________________________

[] A Polish Catholic archbishop resigned after being exposed as having worked undercover for the Communist regime. (USA Today 1/8)

In defense of His Eminence, he only fingered pinko Lutherans.
_______________________________________

[] A new website (elpasotimes.com) allows users to report illegal immigrants crossing the US-Mexican border. (USA Today 1/8)

It was modeled after surveillance cameras in the parking lot of Home Depot.
_______________________________________

[] Prince William reports for duty with the Blues & Royals Regiment of the Household Cavalry stationed at Cambermere Barracks. (USA Today 1/8)

He'll be working as chum for the 67th Paparazzi Search & Destroy Regiment.
_______________________________________

[] HBO boxing commentator Jim Lampley was charged with felony domestic violence following an altercation with his girlfriend, former Miss California, Candice Sanders. (Los Angeles Times 1/6)

According to eye witnesses, when the fight was stopped ,Candi was ahead on points.
_______________________________________

"The Legislature's job is to write law. It's the Executive Branch's job to interpret law."

George W. Bush on 11/22/00 in Austin, TX
_______________________________________

Friday, January 5, 2007: Pearl Harbor and Heroshima Notwithstanding

"For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times."

George W. Bush during a visit to Tokyo in February, 2002
_______________________________________

[] George Bush Senior underwent hip replacement surgery at the Mayo Clinic. (USA Today 1/5)

The one weakened from all those years of being joined to Saudi sheiks.
_______________________________________

[] Harriet Miers, Bush's rejected Supreme Court choice, has resigned her post as White House Counsel. (USA Today 1/5)

She'll take a position in the Washington law firm of "Hacks, Duds & Losers" that specializes in representing unsuccessful Oscar nominees.
_______________________________________

[] Still mending after braking his leg skiing, Arnold Schwarzenegger will be sworn in on crutches. (USA Today 1/5)

Last night, he rolled over in bed and thought he felt a bone sticking out, but it was just Maria.
_______________________________________

[] The Catholic Diocese of Spokane, WA has agreed to pay $48 million to victims of priest sex abuse. (USA Today 1/5)

Which explains why the baby Jesus in their nativity scene this year was lying in a bed of shredded subpoenas.
_______________________________________

[] Forty-five cowboys are scheduled to compete in the Professional Bull Riders season opener in Madison Square Garden. (USA Today 1/5)

The theme this year is "Remembering Brokeback Mountain."
_______________________________________

[] Suicide among members of the California Hiway Patrol is five times the national average. (USA Today 1/5)

Due, experts believe, to their inability to meet the standards set by Eric Estrada.
_______________________________________

[] The FTC is threatening to fine weight loss firms for making clinically unproven claims. (Associated Press 1/5)

Like saying that people can lose weight taking pills or that Kirsty Alley can act.
_______________________________________

[] Spirit Airlines is offering round trip tickets for as low as 5 cents each way. (USA Today 1/5)

Some restrictions apply... like you have to provide your own aluminum lawn chair to sit on.
_______________________________________

[] Consumer Reports found that most infant car seats performed "disastrously" in crash tests. Only the "Flex-Loc" from Baby Trends and Graco's "SnugRide" passed. (USA Today 1/5)

The worst performer was the "Are We There Yet?" tiedown from Scampering Rugrats.
_______________________________________

[] Lindsay Lohan entered a Los Angeles hospital for an appendectomy. (Associated Press 1/5)

She demanded that her operating room be supplied with a deli platter, fresh fruit and a case of Evian.
_______________________________________

[] Celine Dione will close her four-year run at Caesar's Palace on December 15. (Associated Press 1/5)

She'll take some time off before starting work on her new album "Why the Long Face?"
_______________________________________

[] Neighbors of Charlton Heston have sued him for allowing a mud slide to damage their Mulholland Drive homes below his. (Associated Press 1/5)

Worse, they say, he kept trying to part it.
_______________________________________

[] A honeymooning bride has accepted a $1 million offer from Royal Caribbean for losing her husband during a cruise. (Associated Press 1/5)

Better still, they've agreed to waive his outstanding gratuity charges.
_______________________________________

"In my judgment, when the United States says there will be serious consequences, and if there isn't serious consequences, it creates adverse consequences."

George W. Bush on "Meet the Press" 2/8/04
_______________________________________

Thursday, January 4, 2007: Abu Dabba Honeymoon

[] US military officials: "We would have handled the execution differently." (ABC News 1/3)

Yeah, their version would have included a waterboard... genital jumper cables... sheets with eye holes... a nude pyramid... a ravenous German Shepard... a hillbilly woman dressed as a soldier...
_______________________________________

[] Home Depot CEO Robert Nardelli is ousted after stock plummets. (ABC News 1/3)

Along with having to accept a $60 million severance buyout, they stripped Bob of his orange apron.
_______________________________________

[] Coca-Cola's new "Enviga" claims to cut calories with green tea. (ABC News 1/31)

So effectively, say company execs, the can gets thinner as you drink it.
_______________________________________

[] Barbara defends O'Donnell: "Rosie has brought a new vitality to 'The View'." (Cable News Network 1/3)

Not as much as Danny DeVito, but a lot.
_______________________________________

[] Negroponte to step down as security chief, accepts post as Undersecretary of State. (Cable News Network 1/3)

At last... a guy willing to spend some time under Condi.
_______________________________________

[] Steven Spielberg, Harrison Ford and George Lucas have signed on to David Koepp's script for a fourth "Indiana Jones" movie. (Los Angeles Times 1/3)

His plot in a nutshell: Indiana, now 64 and arthritic, is working as a curator at the Hollywood Wax Museum. One day, while performing routine maintenance on Jennifer Lopez, he discovers an uncut diamond imbedded in her left buttock. Recognizing it immediately as the very stone that he had hidden in a rye bread during the Blitz when the Nazis threatened to expose his inordinate interest in Scientology, he sets off on a quest to return the gem to its rightful owner, Pope Valvoline VI, defrocked for tax irregularities and now a part time organ grinder at Euro-Disney dressed in the colorful papal garb that he was allowed to keep but failed to declare. Indie manages to locate the aging ex-pontiff but not before being castrated by Sean Connery during a seance arranged by the Duke of Marlboro. That's pretty much it, but the producers express high expectations that the extensive special effects will save both the film and Harrison Ford's career.
________________________________________

Tuesday, January 2, 2007: Loose Noose Nooze

[] Smuggled cell phone video shows Saddam's final moments. (USA Today 1/2)

Taken by a spy from Gentlemens Quarterly who reported the executee wore black gaberdine slacks and tasseled patent leather loafers from After Six and a summer weight polo shirt from Izod set off by a custom designed eight-spiral noose from "Omar's Hemp World" in Baghdad.
_______________________________________

[] The FBI reports that interrogators at Guantanamo dress as Catholic priests and perform mock baptisms on Muslim detainees. (USA Today 1/3)

Worse, they force them to play Bingo while facing Mecca.
_______________________________________

[] Pat Robertson claims that God told him there will be "mass killings" by terrorists in late 2007. (USA Today 1/3)

Preventable only if everyone sends him $5000 in unmarked bills.
_______________________________________

[] The US-Mexico border fence will cost ten times the original estimate. (USA Today 12/30)

Seems the GOP overlooked the cost of retraining all those Mexican stoop laborers.
_______________________________________

[] Wisconsin is one of only two states that ban the carrying of a concealed weapon. (USA Today 1/3)

In Green Bay, they aren't even allowed to carry a concealed cheese.
_______________________________________

"That's a chapter... the last chapter of the 20th... 20th... the 21st century that most of us would rather forget. The last chapter of the 20th century... this is the first chapter of the 21st century."

George W. Bush on 10/24/00 in Arlington Heights, Ill.
_______________________________________

[] The German based Smokers International Airways offers caviar, designer-clothed flight attendants and ashtrays at every seat. (USA Today 12/29)

And don't forget the complimentary chemo and radiation.
_______________________________________

[] Manchester, New Hampshire school busses will install video cameras in all their busses. (USA Today 12/29)

That's nothing. In Hollywood the school busses carry a cameraman, three gaffers and a second unit director.
_______________________________________

[] India's chess champion Umakant Sharma was banned from the game after officials discovered a Bluetooth transmitter sewn into his cap. (USA Today 12/29)

Worse, he was using corked bishops.
_______________________________________

Hey, you're in for a fun read if you haven't sampled Bob's online book entitled "HOPE WRITER: My Life Inside Bob Hope's Comedy Factory." It's chock full of backstage stories and celebrity anecdotes from the author's seventeen years "on the road" with Hope and it's audio-illustrated by Odeo.com. Now you can hear the classic songs, sketches and comedy routines that made Hope TV specials so unique. That golden era may be gone, but the memories linger on at:

www.hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________

[] Chrysler has partnered with China to produce small cars. (Associated Press 12/30)

Their first model will ba a won ton pickup.
_______________________________________

[] Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, blames the chaos in Iraq on US "shortsightedness and ignorance." (Associated Press 12/24)

When Bush learned of this, he reportedly told an aide "I didn't even like him on Laugh-In."
_______________________________________

"It's important for us to experience to our notion that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in... you know... the dark dungeons of the internet."

George W. Bush on 10/24/00 in Arlington Heights, Ill.
_______________________________________

Peace On Earth Goodwill Toward Men

[] Four Marines have been charged with murdering Iraqi civilians, bringing to 37 the number of military murders since the war began. (USA Today 12/21)

Thirty eight if you count their unindicted co-conspirator, the commander-in-chief.

[] Bush to reporters: "I'm going to sprint to the finish." (USA Today 12/21)

And if he has any brains, keep on running until he reaches a country that will grant him asylum.

[] Rosey O'Donnell and Donald Trump exchange insults----Trump threatens to sue. (USA Today 12/21)

Acting as a peacemaker, Barbara Walters has suggested that they cosponsor a "Gay and Guys With Weird Hair" cruise.

[] Britney Spears has a small tattoo on her hand. (USA Today 12/21)

A tiny reminder that reads: "Adjust panties."

[] Billy Graham's family is feuding over the location of his crypt. (USA Today 12/21)

While Billy himself couldn't care less since he only intends to use it for three days.

[] Sean "Ditty" combs is a new father of twin girls. (USA Today 12/22)

Both of whom came into the world wearing jewelry.

[] Toyota is poised to overtake General Motors as the world's largest automaker. (Associated Press 12/23)

While Detroit has vowed to capture the long-overlooked lawnmower and leaf blower market.

[] The seventh J.K. Rawlings book is entitled "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows." (USA Today 12/22)

To be followed by "Harry Potter and the Mystery of Why Paris Hilton's Life is Worth Bothering With."

[] Southern Methodist, Baylor and the University of Dallas are being considered as possible sites for the $200 million George W. Bush Presidential Library. (USA Today 12/22)

Yale, his alma mater, has removed itself from consideration on the grounds that he never used theirs.

[] Occidential College in Los Angeles is offering a course called "The Phallus." (USA Today 12/21)

It's popular despite some pretty stiff prerequisites.

[] The Army raises to 4% the number of recruits accepted with the lowest aptitude test scores. (USA Today 12/21)

They went from "dumb" to "dumber" to "Jackass II."

[] The Army pays $40,000 to soldiers who agree to reinlist for duty in Iraq. (USA Today 12/21)

Which they can apply toward thicker armor on their Humvee.

[] A female Komodo dragon in Britain's Chester Zoo has become pregnant without male intervention. (USA Today 12/21)

She's been nicknamed "Mary Cheney."

[] A woman sent her month old infant through the luggage scanner at the Los Angeles airport. (USA Today 12/21)

That's the bad news. The good news is the x-ray will be covered by Medicare.

[] Einstein Bros. is offering potato bagels colored and shaped like candy canes. (USA Today 12/22)

Along with the traditional favorite, the chopped chicken liver Yule Log.

[] Bush asks Gates to come up with a plan to expand US forces in Iraq and predicts "difficult choices and additional sacrifices ahead." (USA Today 12/21)

What is it about "exit strategy" this guy doesn't understand? He certainly had no problem getting out of Vietnam.

________________________________________


[] Ted Haggard's Life Church has ousted yet another youth minister for sexual misconduct while Haggard undergoes counseling. Says the pastor of Denver's Victory Church, "Ted is like a bird with a broken wing. We're just interested in making sure the wing is healed." (USA Today 12/20)

Wing? Wasn't it Ted's pecker that got him into hot water?

[] Faced with mounting legal costs in defending its actions, the Cobb County, Georgia school board has removed stickers on science texts that said: "Evolution is a theory, not a fact." (USA Today 12/20)

And the Bible has been returned to the Science Fiction section of the library.

[] The Pentagon will spend $22 million a year to develop a computerized Google sensor that will translate spoken English into Arabic. (USA Today 12/20)

The device will be programmed to kill anyone who answers "yes" to "Are you an insurgent?"

[] Cheney will testify in the CIA leak case. (USA Today 12/20)

He'll be sworn in with his right hand on the Bible and his left hand on his pacemaker.

[] Teen golfer Michelle Wei has been accepted at Stanford in the fall. (USA Today 12/20)

She plans to try and crack the "men's only" dorm tradition.

[] Rice tells reporters "Let's stop mourning the old middle east. It was not so great and it wasn't going to survive anyway." (USA Today 12/20)

But was it worth 3000 American lives to hurry it along?

[] Asian Games officials stripped Santhi Soundarajan of her silver medal in the 800 meters after "too many chromosomes" turned up in her blood. (USA Today 12/19)

They first became suspicious when they noticed she was a little too handy with the TV remote in the womens' dorm.

[] Nicks-Nuggets hoops brawl in the Garden draws seven suspensions, $500,000 fines for each team. (USA Today 12/19)

One Nugget felt so ashamed of himself, he bought his wife a ring.

[] Voter-approved smoking ban in Vegas will cover bars serving food, video arcades, shopping malls, schools and day care centers. (USA Today 12/19)

Or within 50 feet of a hooker, a mob boss or Wayne Newton.

[] The House will soon require mandatory screening of all airport employees for weapons upon arriving at work. (USA Today 12/19)

Mechanics will be allowed to bring in one Swiss Army knife.

[] The Pentagon reports that many US-trained Iraqi security officers fail to report for duty. (USA Today 12/19)

Most opting for rock concert security jobs.

[] Iraqis average eleven hours of electricity a day. (USA Today 12/19)

In laymens terms, about the same voltage Texas needs to carry out 300 executions a month.

[] American Society of Plastic Surgeons reports a 37% increase in boob jobs over the past five years. (USA Today 12.19)

Remember when the Colonel had a virtual lock on the "Bucket O' Breasts" market?

_______________________________________

Joseph Barbara 1911- 2006
"Yabba-Dabba-Doo!"
_______________________________________

[] More than 700 cases of priest sex abuse are still pending against Roger Mahoney and the Los Angeles archdiocese. (USA Today 12/16)

"... And there came from the East three wise men bearing gold, frankincense and subpoenas... "

[] Colin Powell says the US is losing the war and the army is "just about broken." The military is not large enough to sustain a "surge." (USA Today 12/18)

But what does a 35-year Army veteran and former head of the Joint Chiefs know? Let's go with the pencil neck pinhead from Texas.

[] NBA officials are investigating a bench-clearing melee that broke out at Madison Square Garden during a New York Knicks-Denver Nuggets game. (USA Today 12/18)

Sparked, according to witnesses, when a Nugget compared Woody Allen's acting ability unfavorably to Jack Nicholson's.

[] Oprah Winfrey is pitching a new game show entitled "Your Money or Your Life." (USA Today 12/18)

Executives at ABC are thinking it over.

[] Bill O'Reilly says he went to Iraq "to zero in on the chance of a US victory there." (USA Today 12/18)

Zero is the perfect word for it.

[] Rumsfeld given a full-dress military sendoff at the Pentagon. (Associated Press 12/16)

Cheney wanted to participate in the 21-gun salute, but Rice confiscated his 12-gauge.

[] Bush's approval rating has bottomed out at 23%. (NBC News 12/14)

On a brighter note, he is holding his own against Michael Richards.

[] British investigators have found no conspiracy in the death of Princess Di. (USA Today 12/15)

In other words, the queen's alibi checked out.

[] The Pentagon has asked Bush to authorize a military command in Africa. (USA Today 12/15)

Think Halliburton has found a way to crack the diamond business?

_______________________________________

"Our 100-strong embassy in Baghdad has six who speak fluent Arabic... Fifty-five Arabic language specialists have been forced out of the military for being gay."
(New Yorker Magazine 12/18)
_______________________________________


[] No member of Congress has ever been forced out of office because of physical infirmity. (USA Today 12/13)

Unless pedophilia can be considered a physical infirmity.

[] A Pew Research study shows that 68% of Americans consider the microwave oven a necessity. (USA Today 12/13)

47% of whom don't think it works fast enough.

[] The US Statistical Abstract shows that the average American spends 1500 hours a year in front of the TV. (USA Today 12/17)

And 3712 hours searching for the remote.

______________________________________________
DO PEOPLE TELL YOU YOU'RE FUNNY? DO YOU LIKE TO MAKE OTHERS LAUGH?

Now you can learn to write comic lines and funny routines with personal step-by-step guidance from a comedy veteran. The Jokesmith will provide one-on-one online tutoring in the essentials of writing and performing for the business world. Spice up your office presentations and speeches with humor tailor-made by you and for you alone. It's no more expensive than engaging a top-of-the-line trainer or voice coach and you'll soon be the envy of your friends and colleagues, snapping off one-liners like a seasoned comic. Creating humor is fun and who knows----you may end up being the next Seinfeld.

For details, write Jokesmith@Peoplepc.com and type "lessons" in the subject line.
______________________________________________

[] The Miami Dolphins' Marcus Vick has been sued for $6.3 million for sexually abusing a 15 year old girl two years ago. (USA Today 12/15)

While a quarterback at Jerry Lee Lewis University in Tallahassee.

[] The US Mint will unveil new solid gold coins honoring presidential spouses. (USA Today 12/15)

In a related story, Annhauser-Busch will soon issue a series of bottle caps honoring presidential daughters.

[] Prince William has been commissioned an officer in the British Army. (Associated Press 12/16)

He's already phoned Bush for tips on ducking service in Iraq.

_______________________________________

"That Bush's war in Iraq is an unmitigated catastrophe has been known for some time. What the Iraq Study Group has done is made it official."
Hendrick Hertzberg (New Yorker Magazine 12/18)
_______________________________________

[] Bush is considering adding a "surge" of 30,000 troops to Iraq. (New York Times 12/16)

To his crack military strategists, it's intuitive. When something isn't working, do more of it.

[] Florida governor suspends executions after an autopsy showed a botched lethal injection tortured the victim for 30 minutes. (Associated Press 12/16)

Katherine Harris has demanded a re-autopsy.

[] A notorious Somolian big game poacher, known to have slaughtered 17 elephants and 9 rhinos in Kenya over the past five years, has been killed in a shootout with game wardens. (Associated Press 12/16)

His teeth were extracted and turned into tiny piano keys.

[] A Beverly Hills dermatology clinic has begun offering "Gummy Bear" silicone breast implants. (Los Angeles Daily News 12/17)

Their June Groom Special includes a "Tootsie Roll" penile enhancement.
______________________________________
Bereft on the Left will be back in a moment, but first, this important message...

You're in for a fun read if you haven't sampled Bob's online book entitled "HOPE WRITER: My Life Inside Bob Hope's Comedy Factory." It's chock full of backstage stories and celebrity anecdotes from the author's seventeen years "on the road" with Hope and it's audio-illustrated by Odeo.com. Now you can hear the classic songs, sketches and comedy routines that made Hope TV specials so unique. That golden era may be gone, but the memories linger on at:

www.hope-writer.blogspot.com

_______________________________________

[] A proposed Texas law would allow the blind to hunt live game using lasers, long banned because they cause wildlife to freeze in fear. (USA Today 12/12)

Dick Cheney is exploring the possibility of being declared legally blind before the dove season opens.

[] J. Michael Hannigan, attorney for Cardinal Roger Mahoney, claims "there's not a chance that my client conspired to shield child molester priests from prosecution." (USA Today 12/12)

Mike is a senior partner at Scumbag, Douchebag & Slime.

[] The NBA has rejected the new composite ball after players complained. More uniform than the old ball, it spread perspiration evenly for more rapid evaporation. (USA Today 12/12)

Unfortunately, it also caused a chemical reaction with skin that obliterated
their tattoos.

[] Nicole Richie was arrested by the CHP after driving the wrong way up a Burbank on ramp. (USA Today 12/12)

She faces a charge of driving under the influence of Paris Hilton.

[] US troops in Iraq use Silly String sent to them from their families at home to help find hidden trip wires attached to bombs. (USA Today 12/12)

But it's the most advanced, technically superior Silly String in the world.

[] USA Today/Gallup poll shows that the majority of Americans believe Bush will be viewed by history as "poor" or "below average," well below the rankings of his five predecessors. (USA Today 12/13)

He even loses to the West Wing's Martin Sheen.

[] The Pentagon will soon begin using honeybees to sniff out explosives. (USA Today 12/11)

Owned and trained by Halliburton.

______________________________________________
DO PEOPLE TELL YOU YOU'RE FUNNY? DO YOU LIKE TO MAKE OTHERS LAUGH?

Now you can learn to write comic lines and funny routines with personal step-by-step guidance from a comedy veteran. The Jokesmith provides one-on-one online tutoring in the essentials of writing and performing for the business world. Spice up your office presentations and speeches with humor that's tailor-made by you and for you alone. It's no more expensive than taking golf lessons and you'll soon be the envy of your friends and colleagues, snapping off one-liners like a seasoned comic. Creating humor is fun and, who knows----you may end up being the next Seinfeld.

For details, write Jokesmith@Peoplepc.com and type "lessons" in the subject line.
______________________________________________


[] "Apocalypto" displaced "Happy Feet" with $14.2 million in opening weekend grosses. (NPR Radio 12/11)

Watch for copycat projects to spring up with no established stars speaking an unknown language and directed by an alcoholic antisemite.

[] All states except New Mexico allow death by lethal injection; Nevada and eight other states offer electrocution; three states allow hanging, three firing squad. (USA Today 12/11)

Federal death row inmates have their choice of hanging, facing a firing squad or accepting a tour of duty in Iraq.

[] Rumsfeld attended an hour-long farewell at the Pentagon. (New York Times 12/11)

Following which he crawled into his flag-draped coffin, a parting gift from John Mertha.

[] Bush will delay unveiling any new plans for Iraq until early next year. (New York Times 12/13)

Maybe Santa will bring him an exit strategy.

[] Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock have split up after only four months of marriage. (Associated Press 12/10)

Seems the Kid had some body parts pierced that he failed to tell Pam about.

[] A Justice Department study shows that 70% of California prison inmates return to prison after release. (USA Today 12/11)

Especially in Southern California where it's cheaper than renting or buying.

[] According to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, cosmetic procedures for men rose 38% last year. (USA Today 11/12)

Most popular: the beer gut tuck.

[] Evergreen trees, mistletoe, holly, Yule logs, candles and elves were popular pagan symbols in pre-Christian Europe. (USA Today 12/11)

The original Santa Clause was a vestal virgin with a water retention problem.

[] The UN's Kofi Annan blasted Bush during his farewell speech to the General Assembly. (ABC News 12/10)

It would have been even more insulting if Bush knew who he was.

[] Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter has announced that she's expecting a baby. (USA Today 11/7)

The identity of the father won't be known until Dick shoots him.

[] Taco Bell removed green onions from 5800 restaurants after E. Coli sickened 58 people. (USA Today 12/7)

Never at a loss to capitalize on free publicity, the chain immediately unveiled its new "Bean & Cheese Siesta Buster Bacterito."

[] New York will become the first state to outlaw artery-clogging trans fats in all its restaurants. (USA Today 12/6)

"New Yorkers lead the world in health-conscious dining," said Pierre Souffle, maitre d' at Manhattan's trendy "Good Cholesterol Grill."

[] No frills EasyCruiseOne offers budget-conscious vacationers cabins starting at $17 a day on Caribbean sailings. (USA Today 12/8)

Amenities include a $4.99 almost midnight buffet, dinner at the bell captain's table and coin-operated life jacket dispensers.

__________________________________


[] Florida's Seminole Indian tribe will purchase the Hard Rock Cafe for $965 million. (USA Today 12/8)

Renamed the "Hiding Behind the Hard Rock Cafe."

[] George Steinbrenner has offered Dwight Gooden a job in the Yankee organization if Dwight can stay clean and sober until February. (USA Today 12/8)

As a locker room sniffer coach.

[] The nectar bat has a tongue 1 1/2 times longer than its body. (USA Today 12/7)

Rivaled only by that of Barbara Walters and Nancy Grace.

[] Critics are calling Mel Gibson's "Apocalypto" even more gruesome than "Braveheart." (USA Today 12/7)

Not quite as gruesome as his DUI mug shot, but almost.

[] TV Land editors and producers have selected "Heeeeere's Johnny!" television's most memorable catch phrase. (USA 1Today 2/7)

Barely edging out "I'm Chevy Chase and you're not."

[] The Crayola Company now offers scented Crayon markers with names like "Booger Buster," "Soda Burp" and "Alien Armpit." (USA Today 12/6)

Soon to be followed by "Sand Box Fart" and "Birthday Cake Acid Reflux."

[] Slyvester Stallone donated items from his Rocky movies to the Smithsonian's National Museum of American History. (USA Today 12/6)

Including his shoes, robe and the walker he uses in the latest sequel.

__________________________________

Dominu$ Vobi$ Cum

[] The Los Angeles archdiocese has paid 45 victims of priest sex abuse $60 million. (Associated Press 12/2)

Or, as they say in the parish, "two hundred and fifty thousand Bingo jackpots."

[] Rice tells Arab television: "I'm sure there are things we could have done differently." (Associated Press 12/2)

... Like liberate Lichtenstein instead.

[] A fast-spreading norovirus struck 338 passengers on Royal Caribbean's "Freedom of the Seas." (USA Today 12/4)

Renamed "Freedom of the Lower Digestive Tract."

[] A Consumer Reports study shows that 83% of supermarket chickens are contaminated with Campybacter or Salmonella bacteria. (USA Today 12/5)

To avoid illness, they recommend storing the birds at 45 degrees or below, cooking them at 165 degrees and passing on pullets that have recently been on a cruise.

[] Rumsfeld's leaked memo recommends that the administration "announce that whatever new approach the US decides on is on a trial basis. This will give us the ability to readjust... and therefore not 'lose'." (Associated Press 12/3)

Or, as we used to say, "surrender."


_____I_R_I_S_H____Y_I_D_D_I_S_H_I_S_M_S_____

Second best is still pretty darned good.

A man who buys a suit with two pairs of pants is just asking for trouble.

(From Bob Mills' "Handbook of Irish Yiddishisms" © 2006)

____________________________________________


[] Israel will overhaul its out-of-condition military following its botched invasion of Lebanon. (USA Today 12/4)

Which will probably mean saying sayonara to the famed 101st Lox, Bagel & Cream Cheese Nosh Battalion.

[] "Nativity Story" grossed a disappointing $8 million on its opening weekend, soundly outdistanced by three other films led by "Happy Feet.". (USA Today 12/4)

Prompting Daily Variety to headline: PENGUINS STOMP BABY JESUS.

[] Sylvester Stallone promoed his new "Rocky" sequel on Monday Night Football. (USA Today 12/4)

Entitled "Rocky KO's Arthritis."

[] Bush's meeting with Shiite leader and Iran confidant Al-Hakim is seen as part of a new administration strategy to get the US out of Iraq. (New York Times 12/2)

Which makes sense. When he decides to surrender, he'd like to have a cell phone number to call.

[] Paris Hilton withdrew from the "Billboard Music Awards" after rejecting the script that had been written for her. (USA Today 12/4)

She blamed "insufficient motivation coupled with uninspiring character development."

_______________________________________


[] Actor Rip Torn was arrested by North Salem, New York police and charged with driving while intoxicated. (MSNBC 12/4)

Allowed one telephone call after being booked, he rang up Gary Shandling.


[] Michael Richards will apoligize to the four black men he targeted after apologizing on David Lettermen, to Rev. Al Sharpton and on Rev. Jesse Jackson's radio show. (Associated Press 12/2)

Next, he'll fly to Constantinople and apologize to the Muslims on behalf of the pope.

[] (Phote Caption) President Bush chats with 8-year old Adds Bugg during a performance of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory at the White House. (USA Today 12/5)

The boy was doing his best to explain the plot to him.

[] Japanese car maker Toyota has passed Ford as the nation's top seller. (Associated Press 12/2)

Hey, it could have been worse. They could have waited until December 7.

[] Lindsay Lohan is still drinking, according to her publicist, but is now attending AA meetings. (Associated Press 12/2)

That's the good news. The bad news is her sponsor is Mel Gibson.

[] Fist fights broke out among opposing legislators at the swearing in ceremony for new Mexican president Felipe Calderon. (Associated Press 12/2)

If this catches on, they may bring back ice hockey as a national sport.

[] An Arizona grandmother was arrested with 214 pounds of marijuana hidden in the trunk of her car. (Associated Press 12/2)

Capping a Thanksgiving visit with her grandson, Woody Harrelson.


____W_O_R_D_S___T_O___L_I_V_E___B_Y_____

I leave you with the immortal words of Tonto who once said to the Lone Ranger, "Mask okay, Keemosabe, but I'd lose the whip."

___________________________________________


[] Regis Philbin has released an album of Christmas standards which he sings, according to radio commentator Paul Harvey, "like the authors intended." (KABC Radio 12/1)

However, that sound you hear coming from their graves isn't applause.

[] McDonald's will provide high tech, kid friendly exercise facilities at several restaurants in Arizona. (USA Today 12/4)

Including a giant inflatable Egg McMuffin trampoline.

[] According to investigators, the Bush administration tried to limit compensation to AEC employees sickened by nuclear radiation. (USA Today 12/5)

George is suspicious of any illness he can't pronounce.

[] Acting UN Secretary John Bolton has resigned his post. (USA Today 12/5)

After being told that Michael Bolton stood a better chance of being confirmed.

[] A & E will air episodes of "The Sopranos" without the violence, nudity or the F word. (Philadelpha Inquirer 12/2)

You got a problem with that, Fuck Face?

_______________________________________


[] Capping his historic visit to Turkey, Pope Benedict XVI prayed in Istanbul's most famous mosque as a gesture of outreach to the Muslim community. (USA Today 12 /1) Following which he privately disclosed some of his church's most secret ecclesiastical mumbo jumbo as well as some of its most sacred flim flam.

[] The Iraq war study group will recommend that US forces begin to withdraw in a "graceful exit." (USA Today 12/1) One plan being considered is to ask George Clooney to shoot a movie in Baghdad and sneak the troops out imbedded with the extras.

[] A Heritage Foundation analyst advises against withdrawing all the troops because "You need a subtle but visual reminder that the Americans haven't left town." (USA Today 1/12) Like an endless pile of rubble isn't enough?

[] The nation's first Muslim congressman is refusing to be sworn in on the bible. (USA Today 1/12) Apparently he's unaware of the time-honored tradition in Congress of having the F.B.I. black out the passages you don't agree with.

[] Frist announces that he won't seek the 2008 Republican presidential nomination. (USA Today 11/30) Bill plans to return to the private sector to run a "diagnosis by TV" clinic for the brain damaged.

[] The Supreme Court has heard its first oral arguments on a case involving global warming. (NPR Radio 11/29) To help Clarence Thomas get up to speed on the topic, Chief Roberts gave him the morning off to see "Happy Feet."

[] A New York Times film critic calls "Happy Feet" "a piercingly sad story about the devistation being visited on the natural world." (USA Today 11/29) Producers now concede that it was probably a bad idea to cast Al Gore as a killer whale.

[] A new $14 million polar bear exhibit has opened at the Pittsburgh Zoo. (USA Today 11/22) Financed in large part by their Coca-Cola residuals.

[] Officials in Costa Rica captured a 50-foot long homemade submarine packed with three tons of cocaine. (USA Today 11/21) US Coast Guard records list the S.S. Courtney Love as "experimental."

[] Scientists have uncovered compelling evidence that a category three hurricane struck Plymouth Rock in 1635. (USA Today 11/21) And that FEMA arrived in 1637.

_______________________________________


Bereft on the Left will be back in a moment, but first, this important message...

You're in for a fun read if you haven't sampled Bob's FREE online book entitled "HOPE WRITER: My Life Inside Bob Hope's Comedy Factory." It's chock full of backstage stories and celebrity anecdotes from the author's seventeen years "on the road" with Hope and it's audio-illustrated by Odeo.com. Now you can hear the classic songs, sketches and comedy routines that made Hope TV specials so unique. That golden era may be gone, but the memories linger on at:

www.hope-writer.blogspot.com

_______________________________________


[] The US is the only country that does not make its currency easily recognizable by the blind. (USA Today 11/30) Maybe we sould adopt the currency of the countries we liberate. You think?

[] Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was fined $20,000 for flipping off fans of the opposing team. (USA Today 11/30) On a more positive note, he's been named "Man of the Year" by the Association of New York Cabbies.

[] Jose Canseco is now eligible to be voted into major league baseball's Hall of Fame. (USA Today 11/30) Which is a little like okaying Michael Richards to head the N.A.A.C.P.

[] Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf couldn't get their asking price and had to sell their San Francisco mansion at a $3 million loss. (USA Today 11/30) It just wasn't their week. The ReMax balloon on their front lawn deflated, struck nearby power lines and injured three lookie-loos.

[] TSA begins testing passenger x-ray machines at several airports. (USA Today 12/1) While technicians try to defeat their only nemisis----Kryptonite.

[] According to a report in People Magazine, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have teamed up socially. (USA Today 11/30) Friends say they plan to boy toy ride share.

[] "Nativity Story" with Keisha Castle-Hughes as Mary debuts. (USA Today 12/1) It will be followed by a TV reality-style spinoff entitled "Dancing With the Magi."

_______________________________________