Rocky Bullwinkled (June 29)

[] Colorado Rockies minor league manager Joe Mikulik was fined and suspended for a tantrum in which he kicked dirt on the feet of the home plate umpire, threw bats from the dugout, tossed second base into center field and poured water on home plate to clean up the mess he'd made earlier. (USA Today 6/27)

To make matters worse, Bobby Knight may sue him for plagiarism.

[] Phillies pitcher Brett Myers was charged with assault after hitting his wife in the face near Fenway Park. (Associated Press 6/28)

He apologized to the fans and promised to confine his violent outbursts to the ballpark where they belong.

[] Phillies manager Charlie Manual was fined and suspended for aggressively arguing with an umpire. (Associated Press 6/28)

On the plus side, he didn't hit the umpire's wife in the face.

From the World of Science...

[] World Wildlife Fund scientists exploring a swamp in Borneo discovered a venomous snake that can change its skin color. (USA Today 6/28)

Known as the Kapuas Mud Snake, its scientific name is Reptilus Joeleibermanus.

[] Attorney General declares that second-hand smoke is "... an alarming public health hazard responsible for tens of thousands of premature deaths... the debate is over." (New York Times 6/28)

Except, of course, among Bush's henchmen who are still busy challenging global warming and defending bible science.

[] The nation's top climate scientists give Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth" five stars for accuracy. (USA Today 6/28)

Nonetheless, it's rated "NBS"----Children under 10 must be accompanied by a non-Bush supporter.

Onward Christian Soldiers...

[] Newsweek misquoted Falwell referring to "assault ministry" when in fact he was obviously referring to "a salt ministry" mentioned in Matthew 5:13. (USA Today 6/25)

As everyone knows, Matt had a blood pressure problem and never touched the stuff.

In Other Screwy News...

[] (Photo Caption) President Bush and double-amputee Staff Sgt. Christian Bagge jog outside the White House. (USA Today 6/28)

Bush is the one without legs in the opinion polls.

[] "Wyatt Earp" star Hugh O'Brian has married for the first time at age 81. (Los Angeles Times 6/27)

If you care to send a gift, the couple is listed at Secure Horizons.

[] "Guns N' Roses" front man Axel Rose is jailed in Stockholm after biting a hotel security guard. (Associated Press 6/28)

He'll be detained pending the outcome of rabies tests.

[] Rush Limbaugh was detained by Homeland Security agents in Palm Beach for possession of Viagra without his name on the bottle. (USA Today 6/28)

Apparently, Rushbo's "talent on loan from God" stops at the door to the bedroom.

[] "Superman Returns" and "The Devil Wears Prada" go head-to-head in theaters nationwide. (USA Today 6/28)

Except in West Los Angeles where the films have been combined and retitled "Superman Returns Wearing Prada."

[] Warren Buffet donated $30.7 million to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. (CBS News 6/25)

But not before dissing Bill for calling during the dinner hour.

[] Moscow has eclipsed Tokyo as the world's most expensive city. (USA Today 6/25)

Dinner out at a four-star restaurant can bankrupt. The food has to be flown in from Paris.

[] A former associate has filed suit against Michael Jackson for $3.9 million, citing unpaid expenses, salary and cash loans. (USA Today 6/26)

Mostly to pay past-due surgical mask bills.

[] Amendment would impose criminal penalties for "knowingly mutilating, defacing, defiling, burning, displaying on the floor or ground or trampling upon the flag." (USA Today 6/25)

The American and National League Pennants would, presumably, be exempt.

[] Jack Black's comedy "Nacho Libre" dropped 57% its second weekend. (USA Today 6/23)

Palabra del boca.

[] Donald Trump will build a high rise luxury apartment building in Tel Aviv. (USA Today 6/25)

To be called "Oy Vey Towers."

[] Strong evidence has emerged showing that Texas executed the wrong man for a 1989 murder. (Chicago Tribune 6/25)

Texans seem to have a penchant for electing the wrong governor, too.

[] A state of emergency is declared as Baghdad is vertually shut down amid the deadly chaos. (Los Angeles Times 6/24)

Blamed on fierce fighting among fanatical elements----Shiites, Sunnis and Marines.

[] A new study shows that Americans become happier with age. (CBS News 6/24)

Until they try to figure out Bush's facockta Senior Drug Program designed to Halliburtonize the pharmaceutical companies.

[] Social Security numbers and other personal data on 28,000 U.S. Navy personnel were discovered published on the Internet. (Associated Press 6/24)

On www.newintownsailor?.com

[] The Journal Science reports that French anthropologists have unearthed what appears to be man-made jewelry----pierced shells believed to be 100,000 years old. (Associated Press 6/24)

One is inscribed "To Og from Utta on our anniversary, July 6, 983472 BC."

[] Nearly 46 million Americans have no health insurance. (Los Angeles Times 6/25)

They all have to go to that tenth doctor who never votes with the other nine on treatment options.

[] The main camera on the Hubble Space Telescope has stopped operating properly. (Associated Press 6/23)

It keeps taking pictures of Angelina Jolie's baby.

[] Australian customs officers arrested a woman who arrived from Singapore with 320 heroin-stuffed condoms in her stomach. (Associated Press 6/25)

She told them she could explain the condoms, but the heroin...

[] By conservative estimate, at least 50,000 Iraqi civilians have died since the war began. (Los Angeles Times 6/25)

But according to Bush, they're better off since Saddam would have tortured them first.

[] A man in Petaluma, Ca was found living with 1000 rats. (Associated Press 6/25)

Said an Animal Control Officer, "It was like an American Bar Association convention in there!"

[] Cadbury, the British chocolate maker, recalled a million chocolate bars after salmonella was found. (Cable News Network 6/24)

A move nutritionists agree will save many lives----not to mention teeth.

[] Cheney defends government's bank account monitoring program that secretly tapped into a vast international data base. (New York Times 6/24)

Begun after evidence emerged that the Bank of America had issued a Visa card to a terrorist's dog.

[] After a year-long investigation, the F.B.I. exposed a Keystone Cops-like plot to attack Chicago's Sears Tower hatched by members of a group called "Seas of David." (New York Times 6/24)

Under intense questioning from suspicious reporters, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales had to admit that the "David" referred to is David Hasselhoff.

[] Governor Schwarzenegger turned down a request from Bush to send more troops to the Mexican border. (Associated Press 6/24)

He's still considering a White House request to expel Ricardo Montalban, Jennifer Lopez and Andy Garcia from S.A.G.

[] Scientists from the American Museum of Natural History discovered a 110 million-year-old spider web. (Los Angeles Times 6/24)

Attached to a prop bookcase used in "The Addams Family."

[] A pelican high on an intoxicating form of algae found in the ocean collided with an auto's windshield in Laguna Beach, Ca. (Associated Press 6/24)

He was taken into custody after failing a dockside sobriety test.

[] The trial of Phil Spector for murdering B-movie actress Lana Clarkson will begin in January. (Knight-Ridder 6/24)

L.A. County officials will begin auditions for B-movie type prosecutors and jurors on December 1.

[] McCain receives a standing ovation at the Ronald Reagan Library in Simi Valley, Ca. (Associated Press 6/24)

Then John headed for the Nixon Library to complete what's being termed his "Dead Presidents Tour."

[] Michael Caine, Lily Tomlin, Jerry Stiller and Barbara Walters are among nominees scheduled to receive stars on Hollywood Boulevard during 2007. (Associated Press 6/24)

Missing the cut by the width of a tourist's Instamatic were Kevin Federline, Jerry Springer, Ann Coulter, Paris Hilton and Kenny G.

[] Legendary TV producer Aaron Spelling passed away in Los Angeles at age 83. (Associated Press 6/24)

In accordance with his final wishes, he'll be buried at sea during a re-run of "The Love Boat."

[] Cheney says in a CBS interview "If we launch a preemptive strike on Korea, we'd better be prepared to fire more than one shot." (CBS News 6/22)

One shot is enough to bring down an elderly Texas lawyer, but North Korea? Dick's got a point.

[] U.S. soccer team is knocked out of theWorld Cup competition by Ghana. (USA Today 6/23)

Soccer moms across the nation lowered the flags on their SUV antennas to half-staff.

To ease their disappointment, the team displayed the bronze medal the US basketball team won in the 2004 Olympics.

[] F.A.A. grounds L.A. Sheriff's Office drones designed to spy on criminals, citing a lack of the proper permit. (USA Today 6/23)

Said an agency spokesman "We'll blow 'em off the launch pad if it comes to that."

[] (Photo Caption) Bishop Donald Wuerhe is presented with his crosier, a symbol of his office as Archbishop of Washington. (USA Today 6/23)

The crosier is engraved with the symbolic "crosier dossier," excerpts from a priest pedophile's arrest record.

[] Flu vaccine makers predict a surplus this year. (USA Today 6/23)

The excess will be donated to FEMA financial aid recipients who became ill while visiting the French Riviera.

[] Israeli's prime minister apologized for the air strike deaths of Palestinian civilians and then kissed their president. (USA Today 6/26)

The apology probably would have sufficed.

[] Iraqi prime minister may offer amnesty to insurgents who "killed only Americans, no Iraqis." (Associated Press 6/23)

Known in military circles as "collateral damage control."

[] At 1000 calories and 45 fat grams, the Gateway Grizzlies' "Best Cheeseburger in Baseball" features a cheeseburger with bacon grilled between a split Krispie Kreme donut. (USA Today 6/23)

It comes with a coupon entitling the buyer to free use of the stadium's heart defibrillator.

[] So far, Al Gore's global warming documentary has grossed $7.3 million. (USA Today 6/23)

Roughly the same number of votes he won the 2000 presidential election by.

[] The Army has raised the maximum age of enlistees to 42. (USA Today 6/22)

Mess halls now feature an "Early Bird" dinner that includes M.R.G.'s----Meals Ready to Gum. Arthritics are excused from saluting and, if wounded, are awarded a Purple Prostate.

[] G.O.P.-controlled Senate refuses to raise the minimum wage which has been in effect since 1997. (USA Today 6/22)

Snapped one on his way to lunch with a fat cat defense contractor, "I already tip the busboy!"

[] Nestle's, one of the world's largest chocolate makers, will purchase Jenny Craig for a reported $60 million. (USA Today 6/20)

And that'doesn't even include Kirstie Alley who'll be sold separately.

[] Bush is the first US president to deliver a commencement address at King's Point Merchant Marine Academy. (USA Today 6/20)

Most of the 202 graduates are already deployed for anti-pirate duty on Royal Caribbean with a few top grade-earners heading for Crystal Cruises' Symphony and Serenity.

[] The new Interior Secretary has scrapped Gale Norton's plan to expand access of snow mobiles and ATV's in National Parks. (USA Today 6/20)

There may be hope yet during the remainder of Bush's environmental fiasco. The Mint has also dumped a plan to replace the nickle's buffalo with a Hummer.

[] Rice warns North Korea: "A missile test would be taken with utmost seriousness." (USA Today 6/20)

Well, there goes any hopes Margaret Cho might have had for another sitcom.

[] Robert Evans's seventh wife has filed for divorce after 10 months of marriage. (Los Angeles Daily News 6/20)

According to reliable sources. Bob will be allowed to keep his tan, but that's about it.

[] The helicopter that carried Richard Nixon from the White House after he resigned is now on display at the Nixon Library in Yorba Linda, Ca. (USA Today 6/22)

Minus, of course, the "I Am Not a Crook!" banner that was pulled behind it.

[] L.A.'s Getty Museum officials have discovered that up to 350 works of art, some considered masterpieces, may have been bought from fraudulant dealers. (Los Angeles Times 6/18)

Among the most suspect:

1] Wistler's Mother-In-Law
2] Nude Descending Step Stairs at Curves
3] American Gothic Rock
4] The Au Gratin Potato Eaters
5] Mona Lisa Marie Presley

[] Al Gore's global warming documentary "An Inconvenient Truth" out-grossed Jennifer Anniston's "The Breakup" per screen on its opening weekend. (Cable News Network 6/18)

Prompting this headline in Variety "Arctic's Breakup Edges Jen's."

[] Japan has lifted the ban on imports of American beef. (USA Today 6/22)

After being assured that Omaha Steaks have nothing to do with Omaha Beach.

[] A Las Vegas man ate 47 grilled cheese sandwiches in 10 minutes. (Time Magazine
6/26)

Two more than the Olsen twins have eaten in their entire lives.

[] US and Japan urge North Korea's Kim Jong Il to cancel test of long-range missile capable of reaching the west coast. (Associated Press 6/18)

Not to fear. What presumptively sane world leader would be foolhardy enough to launch an unprovoked preemptive attack on an unthreatening country? Okay, bad example.

[] Marine officers teaching a refresher course in "Core Warrior Values" in tents near Haditha use computer-generated slides projected onto a pull-down screen.
(USA Today 6/19)

Showing a variety of circled silhouettes of Iraqi civilians with a line drawn through them.

[] Tom Cruise is Forbes Magazine's top-rated celebrity, edging out last year's winner, Oprah Winfrey. (Associated Press 6/17)

And elevating Scientology to "top religion," displacing Astrology.

[] A new survey ranks Phoenix, Arizona the sweatiest city in the nation. (Cable News Network 6/21)

The online poll was conducted by Nixonsupperlip.com.

[] New high-tech outdoor billboards feature 3-D images and digital messages and can cost up to $500,000. (USA Today 6/21)

Some even come with a hiding motorcycle cop.

[] Britney Spears told NBC's "Dateline" that she won't have her second child in Namibia. (Associated Press 6/17)

She says she doesn't want the baby to be born a foreigner.

[] NASA will go ahead with its scheduled space shuttle launch despite warnings from its chief engineer that the exterior fuel tanks are unsafe. (Associated Press 6/18)

Even the astronauts are having second thoughts. They've renamed the space shuttle "Katrina."

[] Scalia-led Supreme Court rules that police needn't "knock and announce" before entering a private home. (New York Times 6/16)

On the plus side, if they don't knock the door down within 30 minutes, the pizza is free.

[] (Photo caption) Bush signs first major overhaul of mine-safety laws in 30 years. (USA Today 6/16)

Hoping the measure will benefit the mining of coal in Kentucky and votes in November.

[] Votes by leaders of the Episcopal Church USA on allowing gays could trigger a schism with the worldwide Anglican Communion. (USA Today 6/16)

The controversy seems to center around overuse of the color purple.

[] Following a brief but vigorous debate, Catholic bishops approve changes to Mass prayers. (Associated Press 6/16)

In essence, the ruling severly limits the mumbo while allowing a reasonable amount of jumbo.

[] China now metes out capital punishment from specially-equipped "death vans" that shuttle from town to town. (USA Today 6/15)

Whatever you do, don't let Texas know about this.

[] Bill Gates announces he'll leave Microsoft in 2008. (Cable News Network 6/15)

Actually, he's not retiring. He was typing his name into the corporate flow chart and accidentally hit "delete."

[] Bush speechwriter and Evangelical Christian Michael Gerson to step down. (Los Angeles Times 6/15)

Mike was responsible for such literary gems as "I never read newspapers," "New-cue-ler," and "I'm the decider."

[] Geno's Steak House in Philadelphia posted a sign reading: "This is America. When Ordering, Speak English." (Los Angeles Times 6/14)

"... and lose the personality. Remember you're in Philadelphia."

[] Said Marine 2nd Lieutenant John Warren "They may get hit with an IED or shot at by a sniper, but even this does not guarantee them a face-to-face with their assailant. The insurgents simply refuse to come out to play." (USA Today 6/15)

Sir, could they be playing a different game?

[] GOP congress cuts federal funding of Public Broadcasting by $95 million, blaming a "tight budget."(Los Angeles Times 6/15)

Another way of saying "A Prairie Home Companion" is replaced by "A Preemptive War Commando-in-Chief."

[] Autopsy shows al-Zarqawi died of blunt trauma resulting from a 500 pound bomb. (Cable News Network 6/12)

Made even worse by his weakened condition caused by a night of phone sex with Ann Coulter.

[] The U.S. says coalition medic worked to save al-Zarqawi. (USA Today 6/13)

Not much chance of survival, though. He was from Kaiser.

[] F.D.A. approves drug for seasonal disorder known as "the wintertime blues." (USA Today 6/13)

"And there appeared Three Wise Men carrying gold, frankincense and a prescription for Wellbutrin XL... "

[] Article in the Archives of Internal Medicine claims that four cups of coffee a day can reduce cirrhosis of the liver by as much as 80%. (USA Today 6/13)

The Kennedys just bid on Brazil.

[] Canada suspects' lawyers allege mistreatment. (USA Today 6/13)

They're being forced to watch Canadian television.

[] Reno judge shot in office, possibly by a sniper. (USA Today 6/13)

Before Judge Chuck Weller could snap the safety off his N.R.A.-approved AK-47 gavel.

[] The state of Missouri will no longer insure high school cheerleaders during performances or competitions. (USA Today 6/13)

After an errant baton wiped out the first three rows of spectators at the Intra-State Regionals in Joplin.

[] Utah ranks number one in volunteerism. (USA Today 6/13)

Usually when the call goes out for someone who might be willing to adopt a few extra wives.

[] A 4000-year-old Egyptian alabaster container shaped like a duck was withdrawn at the last minute from a Christie's auction. (USA Today 6/13)

When a curator noticed an inscription containing the Sancrit word for "Daffy."

[] The Army National Guard has stationed the first troops along the U.S.-Mexican border in "Operation Jump Start." (USA Today 5/13)

Not to be confused with the travel industry's code phrase for Spring Break----"Operation Jump a Co-ed."

[] F.B.I reports a 4.5% increase in violent crimes in 2005. (USA Today 6/13)

Thanks mainly to increased illegal immigration, gang warfare and Dick Cheney.

[] A glass-bottom paddle boat destined to become a restaurant sank off the coast of Malibu. (Cable News Network 6/12)

It will be converted into a high-end condo-reef for underwater extras who worked in Poseidon.

[] Constitutional amendment banning flag-burning is one vote away from passing in the Senate. (USA Today 6/13)

The measure would allow for one exception----flags that ignite accidentally at Fourth of July barbecues while wrapped around Bush administration officials.

[] U.S. becomes the first team at the World Soccer Matches to lose a game by three goals. (USA Today 6/13)

Even worse, to a team from the Axis of Evil.

[] The Supreme Court ruled that death row inmates may challenge the methods used to execute them. (Associated Press 6/12)

Thomas wrote that the acceptable threshold of pain constituting "cruel and unusual punishment" should be that experienced during a digital prostate exam.

[] Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisburger, who led his team to a Super Bowl victory, was injured while riding a motorcycle without a helmet. (CBS News 6/12)

Thank goodness his championship ring protected a vital finger on his throwing hand.

[] Reality documentary scheduled to air in September is called "Finding Miss America." (Cable News Network 6/12)

Hey, what else could they call it? "Airheads" was already taken.

[] Fossils of 150-year-old dwarf dinosaurs have been found in northern Germany. (Associated Press 6/9)

Members of the seldom-seen species Danny Devitosaurus.

[] The Journal Nature reports on a new technique to genetically modify chickens to deliver drugs in their eggs. (Associated Press 6/9)

Coming soon----the "Morning After" omelette.

[] Millipedes with 600 legs have been observed near San Francisco. (Associated Press 6/9)

Scientists noticed stacks of tiny shoes piled outside nests occupied by females.

[] Bush meets with the prime minister of Denmark, Anders Fogh Rasmussen. (Associated Press 6/9)

He issued an official statement that said "Thanks to the prune Danish, I've always been partial to the Denmarkians."

[] When Charlie Sheen's ex-wife Denise accused him of abuse and addictions to drugs, gambling and teen porn, the judge ordered him to get no closer to her than 300 yards. (USA Today 6/12)

At first, it was the length of a football field, but he penalized Charlie another 200 yards for the teen porn.

[] Sweeping security crackdown in Baghdad----says Iraqi Interior Minister "We will show no mercy... there will be a special uniform with special badges on vehicles." (USA Today 6/14)

Now if they can just get the insurgents to dress appropriately.

[] Duke basketball standout J.J. Ridick has been charged with D.U.I. in Durham, North Carolina. (USA Today 6/14)

After failing a roadside free-throw test.

[] "Twin Peaks" director David Lynch has filed for divorce from his wife of one month, Mary. (USA Today 6/14)

He's asking for an equitable division of the wedding gifts.

[] According to a poll of 17,000 conducted by Pew Research, a majority of the world's population consider the U.S. a greater threat than Iran. (USA Today 6/14)

Except, of course, in soccer.