SUN - WED, April 14 - 17, 2013

TIGER CUB  -- Never has someone so young ever made the cut at the Masters much less survived through the second round, but China's 16 year old eighth-grader Tianlang Guan did just that.  Just a typical teen otherwise, though.  While he chips and putts like an adult, he still had to be cautioned several times by officials not to text while driving. 

RE-MAXED OUT -- While home prices nationwide are starting to creep back up, a recent survey shows that Washington, DC remains the most expensive city in which to find affordable housing.  Tell Mitt Romney about it.  Spent millions and millions trying to score a house there and is still living in Massachusetts.

JUDD MUD -- GOP Minority Leader Mitch McConnell called in the FBI to investigate how his campaign team was illegally taped plotting to dig up mud on potential opponent Ashley Judd.  Serious stuff -- like using the diamond lane with fewer than two occupants and tearing the label off her mattress.

COIN TOSS -- For years, NFL coaches have denied the  probability that some of their best players are gay, but it may soon be confirmed according to a New York Post article.  Not that some preparations haven't been made.  For instance, several teams now enforce locker room bans on Lisa Minnelli and Bette Midler pinups.  

GEEZER.COM -- Surveys show that more than half of seniors over 55 are now online and fully one-third of them regularly use social media sites like Facebook.  There are numerous senior apps including Google's "Guide to Handicapped Parking Spaces" and Windows "Help getting Out of the Car." 

NO COMPRENDE -- Writers at the Associated Press will no longer be allowed to refer to undocumented aliens as "illegal immigrants."  According to leaked internal memos, "undocumented alien" will be the next to go because it sounds too much like "space alien."  Why not just call them what they are?  "The majority."

PARTY  BOAT -- The 265 foot mega-yacht "Air" owned by vodka tycoon Yuri Shefler is docked at Marina del Rey. With seven suites, a 26-foot pool, steam rooms and a helipad, she's available for charter at $1 million per week.  Not during Spring Break, though.  Several USC fraternities got there first.   


OZZED -- In London, protesters chanting "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead!" celebrated the death at age 87 of former PM Margaret Thatcher.  The protesters continue to decry her hawk-like stance during the Falklands War, her friendship with Ronald Reagan, and her proposals to make annual dental visits mandatory.

NOT MASTERED  -- Fans are still debating whether Tiger should have disqualified himself for signing his scorecard without  deducting two penalty shots.  Hey, the guy never learned how to press the "delete" button on his Blackberry -- so all of a sudden he's an accountant?

LIGHT SHOW -- Two customers at a Raleigh, NC gun show were struck by bird shot when a newly purchased shotgun discharged.  The blast caused the lights to go out, but luckily, there was enough illumination for medical personnel to ID the victims from the reflected rednecks.

EARS 'N' TAILS -- The mansion used by Hugh Hefner to warehouse his B and C Team Bunnies across the street from the familiar Playboy Mansion is being offered for sale at $11 million -- or, as the figure was explained to the home's current occupants "both hands and one toe."

SERIOUS OFFERS ONLY -- While the usual weekend lookiloos aren't allowed to tour the pricey Bunny Hutch, the property is available for viewing by appointment only through a licenced realtor.  The listing agent is a spin-off of "Re-Max" called "Bo-Tox-Max."
PRESS RELEASED -- The winery owned by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie has introduced its first cases of premium Cabernet Sauvignon and Merlo reds.  While pretty much out of reach of the average wage-earner, a more affordable Chardonnay will soon be available at Trader Joe's under the label "Two Buck Brad."
WATER TORTURE -- A recent study on nutrition and health released in Great Britain concluded that a diet rich in processed meat can be a precursor to illness and premature death.  Most of the world's leading nutritionists were shocked.  They had no idea the Brits used a process other than boiling it in hot water.
(Contents Copyright (c) 2013 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved) 

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