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WEDNESDAY, March 16, 2011

AFLAC Insurance fired Gilbert Gottfried, celebrity voice of its TV duck, after the comedian published tasteless tweets about the earthquake in Japan.  Funeral services are pending for the duck who will be buried at LA’s Forest O’ Hydrants Pet Cemetery beside the tasteless Taco Bell chihuahua.

According to the National realty Council, most home owners consider their neighbors’ pets a nuisance.  Never known to miss a marketing opportunity, Oscar Meyer has introduced “Ars-No-Burgers,” ground beef and arsenic in handy patties just the right weight for tossing over back fences.

Archeologists digging on LA’s Channel Islands recently uncovered hooks that primitive man used to catch fish 12,000 years ago.  The hooks are believed to have been used by the earliest known Neanderthal author of “The Old Man and the Sea,” Ogg Hemingway.    

According to a report from the American College of Emergency Physicians, there is a nationwide trend to offer ERs equipped especially for seniors that include more comfortable gurneys by Lay-Z-Boy, an extra loud PA system, and wrinkled suture thread.   

Soccer phenom David Beckham and his wife Victoria have announced that she will give birth to their first daughter in July.  She told reporters that they’ll honor her origins as an original Spice Girl by naming the baby Oregano-Sesame Seed.
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DOLORES HOPE "Silver Bells" (with Bob)

BOB HOPE'S 1983 U.S. COLLEGE CAMPUS TOUR: Your Alma Mater Here?

"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."

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WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99

Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.

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