The State of California pays electricity consumers a $75 bounty for every old refrigerator they turn in. In New Jersey, you get an extra $100 if there's no body in it.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A pilot crash-landed his Cessna on a Greshan, OR golf course. He was charged with negligence, reckless flying and failure to replace his divot.
Ten years ago this week, Stones guitarist Keith Richards was inducted into the Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame. Fans who showed up for the ceremony reported that he looked so lifelike it was eerie.
Some Los Angeles beach lifeguards spend over 70 hours a week patrolling beaches for debris. On the plus side, they spend so much time around medical waste, they now qualify as pharmacists.
The FBI reported that thousands of former mafia dons are now living in the Witness Protection Program. As a public service, here are some telltale signs that your next door neighbor may be a wise guy:
1) There's been a telephone company repair truck parked in front of his house since 1967.
2) The trunk of his Cadillac has air holes.
3) He's often spotted renting a cement mixer at Ace Hardware.
4) His first name is "Guido," "Sonny" or "Alfonse."
Ten years ago this week, a federal lawsuit was filed by 160,000 California prisoners charging that inmates receive less than state-of-the-art medical care. It was almost like they were being punished or something.
Clowns International advised members to purchase pie-in-the-face insurance to protect them from lawsuits. The policy they recommend is underwritten by Marie Calender's of London and has a lemon meringue deduction.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Hollywood have reached a tentative agreement with producers on a new contract that will be voted on by the members. Settlement talks stalled after the producers ordered a rewrite to flesh out the characters and further clarify the overall theme of the negotiations.
Thousands of air travelers were evacuated from Schiphol International Airport in Amsterdam after a flash fire broke out in the Burger King. Arson investigators determined the cause to be use of non-flame-retardant cholesterol.
Jurors in a federal copyright violation case awarded the plaintiffs $300,000 in damages when they meant $3 million. And these are the same people we let decide who should get the death penalty?
The Netherlands has an end-of-life law that allows doctors to assist patients in committing suicide. In the U.S., the only legally approved method of inducing one's own death is to appear at a comedy club's "open mike night" with weak material.
Ten years ago this week, the Swiss Army decommissioned the world's last combat bicycle regiment. In a touching ceremony, the brigade's distinctive ensign was lowered for the final time while bagpipers played the elite unit's official battle hymn "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head."
Eager to reduce its record divorce rate, Arkansas offers engaged couples who agree to attend classes in marriage, a reduced license fee. Which is waived entirely if the bride is over 12 and not a blood relative of the groom.
Responding to the economic downturn, budget hotels such as Motel 6 and Red Roof Inns are competing for the penny-pinching traveler's dollar. Are you staying in one? The answer is yes, if :
1) As you're checking in, you notice a Sheriff's Scuba Team dragging the pool for bodies.
2) The "Continental Breakfast" is stale donuts served from the trunk of a 1949 Lincoln Continental.
3) The towel-warmer in the bathroom is frayed electrical wiring.
4) The ice machine has been replaced by a life size cardboard cut out of Hillary Clinton.
5) You call the desk clerk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and he says "Go ahead."
A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!
