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MONDAY, March 7, 2011

Wedding Gift Suggestions for Prince Bill and Princess Kate


1)    A Verizon “Royal 500” Smart phone with step-mother call-blocking

2)    Two free crowns at the “Miles O’ Smiles” Dental Clinic on the Isle of Wright

3)    A teak deck chair from the Titanic autographed by Kate Winslet

4)    Two tickets for Elton John in “The King’s Speech:  The Musical” at the Palladium

5)    A sample pack of moisturizers and emoluments from Stratford-on-Avon Calling

6)    A behind-the-scenes tour of the set of “Doc Martin”

7)    A 10% off coupon for the Bangers and Mash Brunch at the “Fox ‘n’ Thistle.”

8)    Corgy ankle guards from PetSmart

9)    An electric fence activated by Amy Winehouse

10)  Moat wings for their first wee-one from “Babies-R-Us”


Dennis Rodman is being considered for admission to the NBA Hall of Fame.  In related stories, Moammar Kaddafi and Hosni Mubarak have been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.

The NCAA will soon allow college football players to wear leather gloves in any color they choose.  Quite a change for them. Up until now, the were only allowed to wear rubber gloves when accepting cash under-the-table.

The Fidel Castro has authorized a government version of Wikipedia.  So far, it’s accuracy is a bit suspect.  For instance Desi Arnaz is listed as “Mr. Lucille Ball.”

Christina Aguilera was charged with public drunkenness after failing a roadside sobriety test.  Actually she passed, but then made the mistake of making a giraffe out of the balloon.

______________________


(The following is excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, now available for $2.99 from Kindle at http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O  These lines first appeared in this blog in February, 2001)

With Tom and Nicole, Alec and Kim and Dennis and Meg, Hollywood is having a record year for celebrity splits.    (LA Times)    Film colony divorce lawyers have designated Valentines a "National Day of Thanksgiving."
      
Six couples at the Jamaican resort Hedonism III are celebrating Valentines Day by getting married in the nude.   (USA Today)    In a reversal of the usual tradition, the guests will throw garters at the brides.
      
The Beatles "Hey Jude" and Louis Armstrong's "Hello Dolly" are among 31 new additions to the Grammy Hall of Fame.   (LA Times)    Missing the cut by the width of an eighth note: John Tesh's "Elevator to Nowhere."
      
Starbuck's has opened a shop in Beijing's Forbidden City.   (US News)    Most popular blend:   French Indochina Vanilla.

Florida has removed the Confederate flag from the capital dome.   (USA Today)    Right after that Miami cable channel canceled "The Dukes of Hazzard."

The Army's website www.goarmy.com/basic follows six recruits through boot camp. (Time)    On the Marine Corps web site, washouts are voted off Parris Island.
       
The University of Illinois is offering "History 298: Oprah Winfrey, The Tycoon." (US News)    It has one prerequisite -- "Martha Stewart's History of the Place Setting."

Doctors at UCLA are testing Prostaglandia E-1 which they hope will be a female version of Viagra.    (LA Times)     In tests so far it's been about as effective as a candle-lit dinner followed by dancing.
       
William Shatner has taken wife number four, Elizabeth Martin.   (LA Daily News)    Issuance of the license was delayed until Bill could name his own price.

Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Sigmund Freud who reportedly asked a patient "What should I validate first -- your existence or your parking?"

(Excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, first published in February, 2001.  Download on Kindle for $2.99 at:  http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O )

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THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!

DOLORES HOPE MEDLEY

DOLORES HOPE "Silver Bells" (with Bob)

BOB HOPE'S 1983 U.S. COLLEGE CAMPUS TOUR: Your Alma Mater Here?


"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."

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WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99

Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.

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