SUN, MON, March 31 - April 1, 2013

CODE NAME CINDERELLA --Julia Pierson, the first female head of the U.S. Secret Service, credits her high school summer job as a guide at Disneyland where she learned crowd control.  When you think about it, not much has changed -- she's still protecting cartoon characters.

THE UN-COLA -- North Korea's portly strongman Kim Jong Un continues his sabre-rattling despite his country's widespread starvation, spotty plumbing and little electricity.  In fact, it's so backward, it's known among other Third World countries as "the Carnival Cruise Line" of Southeast Asia. 

 

BEEP, BEEP -- Sales of mobility scooters for the disabled has become a $1 billion industry in the U.S., but an investigation revealed that 80% of people who buy them through Medicare aren't disabled.  The most blatant cases involved people using them as golf carts and on cruises to cover the long distances between buffets.

 

RING-A-DING-DING -- Three $25,000 NBA Championship rings owned by former LA Laker A.C. Green were stolen from his Palos Verdes Estates home.  Police issued an APB to all members of their Grand Theft Unit, alerted pawn shops to be on the lookout for them, and placed Lindsay Lohan under 24-hour surveillance.

TAX ATTACK -- Fans of Dionne Warwick were stunned this week to learn that she owes a whopping $10 million to the IRS in unpaid income taxes.  Seems she knew the way to San Jose but once there, completely forgot the address of H&R Block.



(Contents Copyright (c) 2013 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved) 

DON KING appears as a guest on "Bob Hope Salutes West Point" in 1981.  View the clip and over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget!
 
www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers
 

WED, THUR, FRI, SAT, March 27, 28, 29, 30

WAGE SAGE -- Most CEO's oppose a minimum wage because it victimizes entry level earners but Starbuck's Howard Schultz is an exception.  Understandable.  When it reaches $9 and hour, he can pay his dishwashers by giving them eight Latte Frappachino Grandes per shift.

TIGER TRACKER -- Reporters doubted that Tiger Woods' affair with skier Lindsay Vaughn would last, wondering how in the world she could possibly trust him.  Over the weekend, they got their answer. He showed up on the first tee with a new putter, new shoes, and a PGA-sanctioned GPS ankle bracelet.

BRAVO DOT COM -- Five Internet tech pioneers are this year's recipients of the annual Queen Elizabeth Prize.  The coveted prize was first established in 1882 by Queen Victoria to recognize outstanding feats in science and literature with the majority conferred on scientists and a few doctors.  Of course, only one dentist -- in 1883.

WHINNY BURRITO -- Now on worldwide tour and playing in Burbank, CA, "Cavalia's Odysseo" features high speed tricks and maneuvers performed by 67 stampeding riderless horses -- 21 stallions and 46 geldings.  Or, as their called at Taco Bell headquarters, "ingredients."

CARDED -- Don't believe that buzz that Lindsay Lohan won't receive special treatment when she begins serving her court-ordered 90 day  rehab sentence.  He doctors have requested that her room be decorated like a club with velvet ropes across the doorway manned by  two male attendants dressed as bouncers.  

CAN'T GET UP -- A 27-year old girl sued 80-year old billionaire George Soros alleging she had to defend herself in bed by throwing a lamp at him.  None of the other girls he's slept with believe a word of it.  They point out that his bedroom has recessed lighting controlled with "The Clapper."

APPLE BLOSSOM TIME -- Disneyland celebrated its twice-annual "Dapper Day" with  visitors dress in period costumes.  Most popular was the World War II era -- leather patched elbow jackets, wingtips, and veiled hats for the girls.  But it became a little too realistic.  When they returned to the parking lot, their cars had been ticketed for gas rationing violations.

PANTS SUIT -- Rebounding from several years of internal scandal including prostitution allegations against agents, President Obama has appointed the first woman head of the U.S. Secret Service. She's already given the agency a more feminine image -- she's renamed it Victoria's Secret Service.

MEA CULPA -- Retired general David Petraeus apologized to a dinner audience at USC for his illicit affair with his biographer, Paula Broadwell.  Which can mean one of two things -- either he's running for some political office or he wants his good conduct medal reinstated.

ICING -- President Obama bounced a soccer ball on his head while welcoming the Ryder Cup champions Los Angeles Kings hockey team to the Oval office.  Why a soccer ball?  You ever tried bouncing a hockey puck off your head?

POPE JERRY BROWN -- Newly-elected Pope Francis has refused the lavish top-floor Vatican penthouse in favor of a more modest two-room apartment in a nearby visiting priest's residence.  More good news, he's been notified that he qualifies for return of the 30,000 Lira security deposit rookie popes usually have to pay.

MAD MARCHNESS -- In one of the biggest upsets in March Madness history, lowly Harvard polished off third-ranked New Mexico.  Those who had been astute enough to bet on the Crimson Tide made a bundle.  Which couldn't be more fitting.  After all, U.S. currency has more portraits of Harvard graduates than any other college.

HORSELESS HEADMEN -- The government of Saudi Arabia is faced with a shortage of swordsmen trained to behead condemned prisoners.  Apparently, the Saudis have never heard the old French proverb:  "Teach a man to cut off heads and you pay him for life.   Teach him how to make a guillotine and you pay him once."

SPOKES -- According to industry buzz, two scripts are in development that will depict the life of Lance Armstrong.  The last blockbuster bike film was the black-and-white classic "Bicycle Thief."  Of course, the Post Office and the corporations he mugged would prefer that this one be called "Thief."

OPEN UP -- For the first time since its opening in 1937, the 170,000 daily commuters using San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge will have no toll-takers to collect their money, replaced by electronic trackers.  Motorists are billed later and jumpers are given credit for half the $5 toll they didn't use.

(Contents Copyright (c) 2013  Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved)

TUESDAY, March 26, 2013

*PETER PAIR -- Faced with daunting problems that include Vatican money laundering and priest pedophilia, incoming  Pope Francis met with retired pope Benedict who at times  seemed disoriented.  For instance, when they parted, he congratulated Francis for replacing Jay Leno on the Tonight Show.

 JUSTICE DOT COM -- Los Angeles now allows e-mailed police reports.  The D.A. can then indict the defendant on Twitter, conduct a lineup on his Facebook wall, try the case using Skype and, on a guilty verdict, allow the defendant to choose a prison on Teavelosity.com.

RIGGED FLIGHT DECK -- A 61-year old Frenchman boarded a U.S. Airways plane at the Philadelphia Airport, seated himself in the cockpit, claiming he was the pilot.  What raised suspicion was his preflight cocktail order -- he asked for pretzels and U.S. Air forbids their pilots from eating within a half hour of departure.    

 

HOME AGAIN -- On his way to Jordan, the final stop on his Middle East tour, a sandstorm forced President Obama to motorcade to Bethlehem where he was escorted on a tour of the Church of the Nativity. Reports say he seemed genuinely touched when he paused briefly at the manger where he was born.

THIS IS YOUR PILOT TEXTING -- At airports with unmanned air traffic control towers due to budget cuts, pilots are allowed to use their I-Pads to check the Weather Channel for wind velocity, alert nearby pilots on their Facebook page, and notify the passengers of altitude and arrival time by inviting them into his google chat room.    

(Contents Copyright (c) 2013 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved)

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY -- Kenneth Mars (shown here in Mel Brooks' "The Producers") appeared on "Bob Hope's Salute to the U.S. Air Force Academy" in 1980 playing the academy commandant in a sketch entitled "The World's Oldest Cadet."  View Kenneth alonng with over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget!

 www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers

SUN, MON, March 23. 24. 2013

TWITTER TWADDLE -- Twitter inventor Jack Dorsey typed his fist experimental tweet on March 21, 2006, which read:  "The first person to answer this in 140 characters or less becomes my first employee - $500 a week + stock options."

RUBBER MATCH -- "Deep Throat" star Harry Reems passed away at the age of 65.  Remembrances poured in from all over the country and flags were flown at half staff at the headquarters of Planned Parenthood and Trojan Latex Products, Inc.  

 

PLASTER OF PARIS HOLIDAY -- According to U.S. News and World Report the most popular college Spring Break site is Daytona Beach.  Not to be confused with Palm Beach, the top destination for seniors who break their hip in the Spring.

STIFF UPPER TANK -- Petrol prices in the UK have topped $10 per gallon.  With prices averaging $4 a gallon in the U.S., one British Peer is saving a bundle by shipping his Rolls to L.A., having the tank filled, and having it shipped back to England.  While he waits for his car, he gets to his job as a barrister at the Old Bailey by skateboard.

HAND JOB -- The Florida Legislature is debating a bill that would make Daylight Savings Time permanent.  Why you might ask.  Seems doctors noticed a spike in hernias resulting from seniors reaching up to push the hands on their wall clocks forward.

(Contents Copyright (c) 2013 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved)  

The late ROBERT URICH guested on "Bob Hope Salutes the US Military Academy at West Point" along with Mickey Rooney, Glan Campbell and George C. Scott.  Watch the (1981 West Point) clip and over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget!
 
www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers

FRI, SAT, March 22, 23, 2013

CHECK THE TIRES? -- A backup limo was used by Barack Obama in Israel after his regular limo was improperly refueled with diesel according to the official report.  The actual cause of the problem?  See, the Yiddish word for high test is "chicken soup" and the Israeli station attendant just assumed...

 

STAR TREK JUNK -- For the first time, a man-made object has gone outside our solar system.  The space probe Voyager I launched in 1978 has traveled 33 billion miles to become the first man-made object to orbit outside of our solar system.  Of course, that's not counting the checked luggage lost by Delta.

 

STRAP HANGERS -- Queen Elizabeth and grand daughter-in-law Kate Moss rode the London Underground to celebrate its 150th anniversary.  In a somewhat related story, Queen Latifa was named official celebrity spokesperson for Mayor Bloomberg's new Subway and Sewer Vermin Eradication campaign.

 

YEAR OF THE DISH -- A Chinese bowl purchased at a flea market for $3 and now  believed by archaeologists to be at least 1000 years old sold at auction for $2.2 million.  Authenticity remains in doubt, however -- due mainly to the "Panda Express" logo embossed on its underside.

 

38 CALIBER ROGAIN -- Critics are claiming the upcoming HBO film on the murder trial of music guru Phil Spector with Al Pacino plays a little fast and loose with reality.   For instance, despite little evidence to support the claim, the DA convinces the jury that Phil carried the murder weapon under his wig.

(Contents Copyright (c) 2013 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved)
 

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY -- Charlotte Raye appeared on several hope specials in the 1980s at the time co-starring with Gary Coleman on "Diff'rent Strokes."  See Charlotte and  over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget.
www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers 

THURSDAY, March 21, 2013

OY VEY -- Thanks to Middle East unrest, Barack Obama arrived in Tel Aviv amid the heaviest security in recent memory.  During his first state dinner, a Secret Service Bomb Disposal Squad had to be called in to diffuse three Matzo balls.

YOGA BARE -- Lululemon, a popular manufacturer of ladies' Yoga outfits, had to recall thousands of pairs because their mesh fabric was too revealing.  Yoga instructors across the country tried to cover for their students by inventing a new Yoga position -- "Mooning passing traffic."

GIANT SLALOM -- For reasons obvious to his fans, Tiger woods is seriously dating Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn.  He'd had enough of lonely evenings, he's now ready for a serious relationship, and he figures a ski pole is safer than a nine iron unless she uses it like a spear.

ONE ON THE CHIN -- Jay Leno told his Tonight Show audience that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland who then came to the U.S. to become NBC executives.  NBC chief Bob Greenblatt took the rib good naturedly, pointing out that with NBC's current ratings slump, very few heard it.

TRAVOLTING -- Surprising even jaded collectors, a gown worn by Princess Diana the night she danced with John Travolta sold at a London auction for a whopping $1.2 million.  Scientology officials were reported to be so stunned, they're thinking of auctioning John Travolta. 

 

(Contents Copyright (c) 2013 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved) 

PLACIDO DOMINGO guested on "Bob Hope Salutes the World's Fair From New Orleans" in 1984, playing Gaylord Ravenol in a Show Boat parody with Red Buttons, John Ritter, Brooke Shields and Twiggy. View the clip and over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget!
 
www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers