WED-SAT, February 27- March 2, 2013

BE THERE -- In the worst decline in network TV history, NBC, whose once faithful viewers disappeared faster than Lance Armstrong's endorsements, will finish sweeps month behind Univision -- the first net to ever descend to fifth place.  It's so embarrassing, even the peacock quit and has been replaced by a retired Zacky Farms rooster wearing a rainbow feather wig.
 

QUO VADIS -- Vatican watchers are astounded at reports of dissention among the Church hierarchy marring plans for the upcoming conclave to choose a successor to Pope Benedict.  There are reports of gay sex scandals, priest sex abuse, banking irregularities and cover ups. Cardinal Ravasi, a candidate for the top post, spoke of "divisions, rampant careerism and jealousies" -- oops, sorry, my mistake -- that last part is the backstage infighting for air time on CNN.
 

7 COME 11 -- Capitalizing on Nevada's nearly non-existent firearm laws, Las Vegas has opened half a dozen shooting ranges over the past year, indicative of the blood-letting Wild West mentality that's hurting tourism.  New motto:  "What Happens in Vegas Can Get You Ten Years to Life."

 

PEANUTS & CRACKERJACK -- Thanks to a Dominican Republic shootout, 32-year old Andrew Friedman is blind in one eye but boasts a 90-mile an hour fastball and a complete repertoire of pitches as a starter for the Tampa Bay Rays.  Actually, his condition could be a career-extender.  When his hurling days are behind him, he has a great future as an umpire.
 

ROOMMATE -- The buyer of a $100 million, 16,000-square foot mansion in Hillsborough, CA cannot move in until the current occupant, 76-year old Christian de Guigne IV, 76, dies, according to the terms of the sale.  Gee, the seller could have saved a bundle by calling Robert Wagner for a reverse mortgage.
 

BONSAI -- A student at Florida's Full Sail University stands charged with a hate crime for stabbing a classmate during a statistics class. Turns out the defendant was trying to pay off a pile of student loans demonstrating Ginsu Knives.





 

FIRE DRILL -- Responding to the Sandy Hook disaster, school officials in Marietta, Georgia are installing "panic rooms" in all schools where students and faculty can find a safe haven from attackers.  Times have sure changed.  Not too long ago the "panic room" was the Principal's Office.
 

GOING AWAY GIFT -- The U.S. Navy Seal who turned out the lights on Osama bin Laden retired early and as a result claims he's been left high and dry by the Veterans Administration.  Actually, they did give him a house.  Well, it was in Abbottabad and had a chalk outline of a body in one of the bedrooms, but still...
 

HILLS THAT IS -- College students in North Korea are now required to spend ten months performing farm labor.  But it has nothing to do with increasing crop yields.  Turns out, Kim Jong Il is a big fan of "The Beverly Hillbillies" reruns and hopes some script writer will do a Korean version.

CONCOURS -- The big craze among Florida retirees these days are expensive tricked out golf carts.  The most popular option is a built-in GPS unit that automatically directs them to Early Bird dinner restaurants, Bingo tournaments and reverse mortgage seminars.
 

TOOTH FAIRY -- Oceanographers at the University of New Hampshire have confirmed that a giant molar found by a scallop fisherman is from a woolly mammoth.  They concluded that it must have belonged to a young one since it still had a string attached to it.

COMPUDOC -- Electronics maker Scnadu has developed a hand-held unit that has a built-in med lab, can diagnose  disease symptoms and recommend treatment options.  Unfortunately, it won't be available to the public for several years while engineers figure out a way to make its prescriptions readable.

 

LICENSE & REGISTRATION -- To counteract decreasing air quality and encourage bicycle riding, Many towns and villages in the UK are reducing the speed limit to 20 mph.  Contrary to what you might think, stop lights are still strictly enforced -- by bobbies riding skateboards
 

ESCARGOT AWAY -- France has responded to complaints from sheep owners of increasing attacks on their herds by passing a "Wolf Education Law" that provides for capture, detention and release in hopes the experience will convince the preditors to stick to rabbits and small game.  They got the idea from their "Tourist Education Law" that permits cabbies to be rude to foreigners in hopes that they, too, will never return.
 

HOLD THE ANCHOVIES -- United Airlines will soon offer satellite w-fi on all international flights.  David Branson has already assessed the opportunity and is in preliminary talks with Straw Hat Pizza to provide ground-to-flight rocket delivery guaranteed to be within 30 minutes or the passenger's extra luggage fee is covered.






 

CALLING ALL CARS -- General Motors has teamed with AT&T to equip its new models with powerful 4G wi-fi that will bring in streaming videos, eliminating the need for DVDs.  The embedded system will also locate wi-fi hot spots, provide early warnings of mechanical problems, and sound an alarm whenever Lindsay Lohan's car comes within 50 miles. 
 

LITTER BOXING -- Purrrrfect Hobbies, Inc, a south Florida game maker, has perfected a kit that, when instructions are followed precisely, allows the serious hobbyist to construct an almost lifelike cat out of recycled tennis rackets.  
 

THIN CRUST -- All-Around Pizza and Deli in Virginia Beach, VA offers customers carrying firearms a 15% discount.  Owner Jay Laze offers the usual pizza menu  including the "NRA Special" -- with meatballs shaped like Colt .45 cartridges, pepperoni slices with little targets printed on them, and assorted nuts.

Contents Copyright (c) 2013  Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

FRI - TUE February 22 - 27, 2013

RING-A-DING-DING -- Thieves snatched $50 million in diamonds from the Brussels airport.  Somehow we just can't feel sorry for Delta who should have known the risk when they decided to accept engagement rings from passengers to cover extra luggage fees.
 

MAKE-A-WISH -- The Australian dept. of Health & Safety has banned candles on children's birthday cakes as a health hazard.   The danger was discovered by school cafeteria food inspectors who decided to analyse the "Salmonella Sparklers" sold by Party Tots of Sydney.
 

SCALES OF JUSTICE -- A Florida man bounty hunting pythons in the Everglades was caught by game wardens with an illegal live 15-footer in his skiff.  He told officers he just couldn't bear to kill the reptile and had even given it a nickname -- "Monty." 

 

STROKE AND DISTANCE -- Police in Purcell, Oklahoma found that someone had converted a golf course bathroom into a meth lab.  What's the penalty if your ball lands in a meth lab?  Same as when it lands in cocaine -- both are considered sand traps.
 

STARTING GATE -- A CBS news investigation discovered that race tracks have been selling meat from horses that had to be put down to Chinese food processors.  Aha!  That accounts for the popularity of  the Pimlico Burger with Rice at Panda Express.

 

SUN & FUN -- Colleges in Arizona have launched a drive to recruit more higher fee, out-of-state students.  Surprising when you consider the party school image of  Arizona State.  Maybe their decision to award BA's, MA's and Ph.Ds instead of RSVPs is finally taking effect.

 

HOST TOAST -- Khloe Kardashian has been canned as host of "The X-Factor."  On the plus side, she did break the record, though as the first Kardashian sister to hold down a job that lasted longer than your typical Kardashian marriage. 

 

EARTH MOVEMENT -- A study of Americans' over reliance on electronic devices found that the average male reaches for his I-Pad simultaneous with his partner's climax -- most often to e-mail the last guy she dated to find out her name.
 

TUMMY FUND -- Medical experts were astounded when a large pile of cash was found hidden in a woman's stomach.  Turned out she was a smuggler.  And her proctologist thought she was just paying in advance.

 

SUBLIMINAL -- Ultra-protective batting helmets are now required of each major league player who steps up to the plate.  Players have, by and large, accepted the padded, thicker plastic but are having a problem with the continuous loop, recorded message "No steroids... no steroids... no steroids... "   

 

BRINY WINERY -- Noticing that wine found in shipwrecks has a distinctive flavor, Mira Winery of Napa Valley will age 48 bottles of 2009 Cabernet in the Atlantic Ocean for three months.  If successful, other wineries will follow.  Not good news for Charlie the Tuna who has been sober going on 27 years come August.

 

BOW WOW -- Eager for ways to raise cash, the U.S. Postal Service will launch a designer clothing line to be called "Rain Heat and Snow."  The sportswear will come in assorted colors and, as an added bonus, the mens' trousers will be treated with a chemical dog repellent.  
 

SATAN BE GONE -- A Tennessee accountant quit his job after receiving a W-2 form from his employer cambered "666."  Probably wasn't that good with numbers anyway.  He read the form upside down.  It actually said "999."

WORK SPACE -- A Portland Oregon taxpayer has sued the IRS claiming one of their agents seduced him during an audit.  Talk about an ingrate.  Actually she did it on his desk to help him qualify for a home office deduction.  












(Contents Copyright (c) 2013 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved)
 

 View over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget!   
www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers

THURSDAY, February 21, 2012

VROOOOOM -- For the first time in NASCAR's history, a woman has won the pole position in the storied Daytona 500 auto race.  Dana Patrick is also the foxiest looking female ever to grab the wheel, walking a fine line between her two roles.  She has a manicurist, for instance, who deposits grease under her fingernails. 
 

 

TAX MAN -- An Oregon congressman has introduced a bill to tax marijuana legally sold in the U.S.  Artists at the U.S. Bureau of Engraving are already designing a tax stamp that will be required on every baggie of grass sold.  His fans agree it's the most flattering portrait of Willie Nelson they've ever seen. 

 

MOST UNFORGETABLE MAG -- Once counted among the nation's most popular periodicals, Readers' Digest, listing unpaid debts of $65 million, has formally filed for bankruptcy protection.   They found out the hard way that, while laughter may be the best medicine, all it does for creditors is amuse them.

 

AHOY -- New York Harbor welcomed the arrival of the world's largest and most expensive yacht, the 500-foot, $1 billion Eclipse owned by Russian billionaire Roman Abromavich.  It boasts two helicopter pads, two swimming pools, a disco hall, and a private submarine.  It charters for $4 million per week, $88 extra if you want satellite TV.  
 

REGULAR OR DECAF? -- A Florida couple who write self-help books on healthy living recommend, along with a high-fiber diet,  daily coffee enemas to maintain a healthy colon.  Kind of gives a whole new meaning to "Wake up and smell the coffee" doesn't it?

 
(Contents Copyright (c) 2013 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved)

 

George Burns, appeared in many specials during the seventies and eighties. He and Hope even did a personal appearance tour together with Hope, in drag, performing the role of Gracie. Asked once if he would ever retire, George replied, “I’ve been retired since my first day in show business.” He had dropped out of the third grade to form the Pee-Wee Quartet that sang and danced for coins on the street corners of New York.  Like Hope, George had a strong work ethic and remained a star his entire life, rehearsing his act daily (though it hadn’t changed in decades) with his longtime pianist Morty Jacobs. George Burns died in 1996 at age 100. 

 

View George among over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget! www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers