PAPAL SHUFFLE -- In a move that shocked his followers worldwide, Pope Benedict XVI announced that he'll become the first pontiff in six centuries to resign, promising to step down by month's end, citing ill health. He denied any connection to the hundreds of documents released last month linking L.A.'s Cardinal Roger Mahoney to the decades-long pedophile priest scandal that reaches all the way to the Vatican.
 Before stepping aside, the Pontiff plans to clear up some unfinished business like canonizing Joe Paterno and Jerry Sandusky as saints and rewriting the Lord's Prayer which will now read "Our father who art in prison, pedophile is thy name... "
 Shocked worshipers in Vatican Square thought his successor had already been chosen when they noticed white smoke rising over the Vatican -- but it just turned out to be Benedict burning a pile of unanswered subpoenas.
 He'll reportedly retire to an undisclosed location to enter a monastery run by monks of the order known as "Vaticano
Protectiones Testimonia" -- Latin for "The Vatican Witness Protection Program."
P.E.T.A. BRED -- The long-awaited annual Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show has opened in New York City with scores of purebred sires and bitches being examined head-to-toe by keen-eyed judges checking bloodlines... bodily configuration... friendliness... -- uh, sorry -- that's the arrival of this season's new batch of Hollywood bimbos at the Yankees' training camp.
DRONE DRAIN -- Congress members from both sides of the aisle are calling for stricter guidelines on President Obama's use of U.S. drones from an increasing number of bases in the U.S. and around the world. They would like more defined standards for using the remote-controlled weapons to assassinate known al Quaida leaders... to photograph suspected weapon storage sites... to track Lindsay Lohan's bar-hopping...
(Contents Copyright (c) 2013 by Robert L. Mills All Rights Reserved)
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