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FRI - TUE February 22 - 27, 2013

RING-A-DING-DING -- Thieves snatched $50 million in diamonds from the Brussels airport.  Somehow we just can't feel sorry for Delta who should have known the risk when they decided to accept engagement rings from passengers to cover extra luggage fees.
 

MAKE-A-WISH -- The Australian dept. of Health & Safety has banned candles on children's birthday cakes as a health hazard.   The danger was discovered by school cafeteria food inspectors who decided to analyse the "Salmonella Sparklers" sold by Party Tots of Sydney.
 

SCALES OF JUSTICE -- A Florida man bounty hunting pythons in the Everglades was caught by game wardens with an illegal live 15-footer in his skiff.  He told officers he just couldn't bear to kill the reptile and had even given it a nickname -- "Monty." 


 

STROKE AND DISTANCE -- Police in Purcell, Oklahoma found that someone had converted a golf course bathroom into a meth lab.  What's the penalty if your ball lands in a meth lab?  Same as when it lands in cocaine -- both are considered sand traps.
 

STARTING GATE -- A CBS news investigation discovered that race tracks have been selling meat from horses that had to be put down to Chinese food processors.  Aha!  That accounts for the popularity of  the Pimlico Burger with Rice at Panda Express.



 

SUN & FUN -- Colleges in Arizona have launched a drive to recruit more higher fee, out-of-state students.  Surprising when you consider the party school image of  Arizona State.  Maybe their decision to award BA's, MA's and Ph.Ds instead of RSVPs is finally taking effect.
 
HOST TOAST -- Khloe Kardashian has been canned as host of "The X-Factor."  On the plus side, she did break the record, though as the first Kardashian sister to hold down a job that lasted longer than your typical Kardashian marriage. 


 

EARTH MOVEMENT -- A study of Americans' over reliance on electronic devices found that the average male reaches for his I-Pad simultaneous with his partner's climax -- most often to e-mail the last guy she dated to find out her name.
 

TUMMY FUND -- Medical experts were astounded when a large pile of cash was found hidden in a woman's stomach.  Turned out she was a smuggler.  And her proctologist thought she was just paying in advance.


 

SUBLIMINAL -- Ultra-protective batting helmets are now required of each major league player who steps up to the plate.  Players have, by and large, accepted the padded, thicker plastic but are having a problem with the continuous loop, recorded message "No steroids... no steroids... no steroids... "   

 


BRINY WINERY -- Noticing that wine found in shipwrecks has a distinctive flavor, Mira Winery of Napa Valley will age 48 bottles of 2009 Cabernet in the Atlantic Ocean for three months.  If successful, other wineries will follow.  Not good news for Charlie the Tuna who has been sober going on 27 years come August.


 


BOW WOW -- Eager for ways to raise cash, the U.S. Postal Service will launch a designer clothing line to be called "Rain Heat and Snow."  The sportswear will come in assorted colors and, as an added bonus, the mens' trousers will be treated with a chemical dog repellent.  
 

SATAN BE GONE -- A Tennessee accountant quit his job after receiving a W-2 form from his employer cambered "666."  Probably wasn't that good with numbers anyway.  He read the form upside down.  It actually said "999."










WORK SPACE -- A Portland Oregon taxpayer has sued the IRS claiming one of their agents seduced him during an audit.  Talk about an ingrate.  Actually she did it on his desk to help him qualify for a home office deduction.  












(Contents Copyright (c) 2013 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved)
 




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