RING-A-DING-DING -- Thieves snatched $50 million in diamonds from the
Brussels airport. Somehow we just can't feel sorry for Delta who should
have known the risk when they decided to accept engagement rings from
passengers to cover extra luggage fees.
MAKE-A-WISH -- The Australian dept. of Health & Safety has banned
candles on children's birthday cakes as a health hazard. The danger
was discovered by school cafeteria food inspectors who decided to
analyse the "Salmonella Sparklers" sold by Party Tots of Sydney.
SCALES OF JUSTICE -- A Florida man bounty hunting pythons in the
Everglades was caught by game wardens with an illegal live 15-footer in
his skiff. He told officers he just couldn't bear to kill the reptile and had
even given it a nickname -- "Monty."
STROKE AND DISTANCE -- Police in Purcell, Oklahoma found that someone
had converted a golf course bathroom into a meth lab. What's the penalty
if your ball lands in a meth lab? Same as when it lands in cocaine --
both are considered sand traps.
STARTING GATE -- A CBS news investigation discovered that race tracks
have been selling meat from horses that had to be put down to Chinese
food processors. Aha! That accounts for the popularity of the Pimlico
Burger with Rice at Panda Express.
SUN & FUN -- Colleges in Arizona have launched a drive to recruit
more higher fee, out-of-state students. Surprising when you consider
the party school image of Arizona State. Maybe their decision to award
BA's, MA's and Ph.Ds instead of RSVPs is finally taking effect.
HOST TOAST -- Khloe Kardashian has been canned as host of "The
X-Factor." On the plus side, she did break the record, though as the
first Kardashian sister to hold down a job that lasted longer than your
typical Kardashian marriage.
EARTH MOVEMENT -- A study of Americans'
over reliance on electronic devices found that the average male reaches
for his I-Pad simultaneous with his partner's climax -- most often to
e-mail the last guy she dated to find out her name.
TUMMY FUND -- Medical experts were astounded when a large pile of cash was
found hidden in a woman's stomach. Turned out she was a smuggler. And
her proctologist thought she was just paying in advance.
SUBLIMINAL
-- Ultra-protective batting helmets are now required of each major
league player who steps up to the plate. Players have, by and
large, accepted the padded, thicker plastic but are having a problem
with the continuous loop, recorded message "No steroids... no
steroids... no steroids... "
BRINY WINERY -- Noticing that wine found in shipwrecks has a distinctive
flavor, Mira Winery of Napa Valley will age 48 bottles of 2009 Cabernet
in the Atlantic Ocean for three months. If successful, other wineries
will follow. Not good news for Charlie the Tuna who has been sober
going on 27 years come August.
BOW WOW -- Eager for ways to raise cash, the U.S. Postal Service will
launch a designer clothing line to be called "Rain Heat and Snow." The
sportswear will come in assorted colors and, as an added bonus, the
mens' trousers will be treated with a chemical dog repellent.
SATAN BE GONE -- A Tennessee accountant quit his job after receiving a
W-2 form from his employer cambered "666." Probably wasn't that good
with numbers anyway. He read the form upside down. It actually said "999."
WORK SPACE -- A Portland Oregon taxpayer has sued the IRS claiming one
of their agents seduced him during an audit. Talk about an ingrate.
Actually she did it on his desk to help him qualify for a home office
deduction.
(Contents Copyright (c) 2013 by Robert L. Mills All Rights Reserved)
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