WED-SAT, February 27- March 2, 2013

BE THERE -- In the worst decline in network TV history, NBC, whose once faithful viewers disappeared faster than Lance Armstrong's endorsements, will finish sweeps month behind Univision -- the first net to ever descend to fifth place.  It's so embarrassing, even the peacock quit and has been replaced by a retired Zacky Farms rooster wearing a rainbow feather wig.
 

QUO VADIS -- Vatican watchers are astounded at reports of dissention among the Church hierarchy marring plans for the upcoming conclave to choose a successor to Pope Benedict.  There are reports of gay sex scandals, priest sex abuse, banking irregularities and cover ups. Cardinal Ravasi, a candidate for the top post, spoke of "divisions, rampant careerism and jealousies" -- oops, sorry, my mistake -- that last part is the backstage infighting for air time on CNN.
 

7 COME 11 -- Capitalizing on Nevada's nearly non-existent firearm laws, Las Vegas has opened half a dozen shooting ranges over the past year, indicative of the blood-letting Wild West mentality that's hurting tourism.  New motto:  "What Happens in Vegas Can Get You Ten Years to Life."

 

PEANUTS & CRACKERJACK -- Thanks to a Dominican Republic shootout, 32-year old Andrew Friedman is blind in one eye but boasts a 90-mile an hour fastball and a complete repertoire of pitches as a starter for the Tampa Bay Rays.  Actually, his condition could be a career-extender.  When his hurling days are behind him, he has a great future as an umpire.
 

ROOMMATE -- The buyer of a $100 million, 16,000-square foot mansion in Hillsborough, CA cannot move in until the current occupant, 76-year old Christian de Guigne IV, 76, dies, according to the terms of the sale.  Gee, the seller could have saved a bundle by calling Robert Wagner for a reverse mortgage.
 

BONSAI -- A student at Florida's Full Sail University stands charged with a hate crime for stabbing a classmate during a statistics class. Turns out the defendant was trying to pay off a pile of student loans demonstrating Ginsu Knives.





 

FIRE DRILL -- Responding to the Sandy Hook disaster, school officials in Marietta, Georgia are installing "panic rooms" in all schools where students and faculty can find a safe haven from attackers.  Times have sure changed.  Not too long ago the "panic room" was the Principal's Office.
 

GOING AWAY GIFT -- The U.S. Navy Seal who turned out the lights on Osama bin Laden retired early and as a result claims he's been left high and dry by the Veterans Administration.  Actually, they did give him a house.  Well, it was in Abbottabad and had a chalk outline of a body in one of the bedrooms, but still...
 

HILLS THAT IS -- College students in North Korea are now required to spend ten months performing farm labor.  But it has nothing to do with increasing crop yields.  Turns out, Kim Jong Il is a big fan of "The Beverly Hillbillies" reruns and hopes some script writer will do a Korean version.

CONCOURS -- The big craze among Florida retirees these days are expensive tricked out golf carts.  The most popular option is a built-in GPS unit that automatically directs them to Early Bird dinner restaurants, Bingo tournaments and reverse mortgage seminars.
 

TOOTH FAIRY -- Oceanographers at the University of New Hampshire have confirmed that a giant molar found by a scallop fisherman is from a woolly mammoth.  They concluded that it must have belonged to a young one since it still had a string attached to it.

COMPUDOC -- Electronics maker Scnadu has developed a hand-held unit that has a built-in med lab, can diagnose  disease symptoms and recommend treatment options.  Unfortunately, it won't be available to the public for several years while engineers figure out a way to make its prescriptions readable.

 

LICENSE & REGISTRATION -- To counteract decreasing air quality and encourage bicycle riding, Many towns and villages in the UK are reducing the speed limit to 20 mph.  Contrary to what you might think, stop lights are still strictly enforced -- by bobbies riding skateboards
 

ESCARGOT AWAY -- France has responded to complaints from sheep owners of increasing attacks on their herds by passing a "Wolf Education Law" that provides for capture, detention and release in hopes the experience will convince the preditors to stick to rabbits and small game.  They got the idea from their "Tourist Education Law" that permits cabbies to be rude to foreigners in hopes that they, too, will never return.
 

HOLD THE ANCHOVIES -- United Airlines will soon offer satellite w-fi on all international flights.  David Branson has already assessed the opportunity and is in preliminary talks with Straw Hat Pizza to provide ground-to-flight rocket delivery guaranteed to be within 30 minutes or the passenger's extra luggage fee is covered.






 

CALLING ALL CARS -- General Motors has teamed with AT&T to equip its new models with powerful 4G wi-fi that will bring in streaming videos, eliminating the need for DVDs.  The embedded system will also locate wi-fi hot spots, provide early warnings of mechanical problems, and sound an alarm whenever Lindsay Lohan's car comes within 50 miles. 
 

LITTER BOXING -- Purrrrfect Hobbies, Inc, a south Florida game maker, has perfected a kit that, when instructions are followed precisely, allows the serious hobbyist to construct an almost lifelike cat out of recycled tennis rackets.  
 

THIN CRUST -- All-Around Pizza and Deli in Virginia Beach, VA offers customers carrying firearms a 15% discount.  Owner Jay Laze offers the usual pizza menu  including the "NRA Special" -- with meatballs shaped like Colt .45 cartridges, pepperoni slices with little targets printed on them, and assorted nuts.

Contents Copyright (c) 2013  Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved