WEDNESDAY, February 20, 2013

SNEAKY -- After extensive debate between the NRA and gun-control advocates, the state of Wyoming has approved the use of silencers by hunters.  That's as it should be.  Doesn't the Constitution guarantee the right to bear arms even for Americans who need a few misses to bring down something?  You know, a hunter like, say... Dick Cheney? 

 

CRAPPED OUT -- Built in 1984 for $210 million, the Trump Plaza has been sold for $20 million, the lowest price ever paid for an Atlantic City casino.  The only way to lose more money than investing in a Trump casino is to invest in a religious-themed Broadway musical written by Kathie Lee Gifford.
 

DOOBY BROTHER -- In order to implement their new law legalizing the possession of marijuana, the State of Washington hired a black jazz musician from new Orleans as a consultant.  He's referred to in the official capital guide book as their "Toke Black."
 

JUDGE THIS -- The courts in the District of Columbia have ordered the cops there to discontinue the traditional lineup  because too many innocent people have been jailed after being misidentified by unqualified witnesses.  New guidelines will be issued to comply with the court-named "Paula Abdul Rule." 

 

MILLER TIME -- According archaeologist Bryan Hayden's  "Food Fight" theory, during the Agricultural Revolution wheat was domesticated not for bread but for beer when neighboring despots competed to stage the most exotic "feasts."  Which means that fat lump consuming six-packs on the couch is actually helping mankind progress.

(Contents Copyright (c) 2013 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved)
 

Howard Cosell was a former lawyer who, as a dutiful dad, had volunteered to describe his son’s Pop Warner League game for a local radio station
and saw his law career quickly replaced by a new and more lucrative one — in broadcasting.
Coming to the game late myself from the courtroom, on our first special together, I was anxious and excited to meet him. I went up, introduced myself and said, “Howard, you and I have something in common.”   He said, “What’s that?”  I said, “We both started out as lawyers.”
He just stared at me for a moment and said, “So?”
That was my crash course in Howard Cosell.
Howard had been characterized by sports writers for so long as a certified curmudgeon, I think he gradually began believing it himself and
felt compelled to deliver the crusty, cantankerous version of himself that he was convinced the public had come to expect. He was rehearsing a routine in Hope’s dressing room and came to a line he thought could be improved upon. I happened to be standing nearby so Hope said, pointing to the joke, “See if you guys can come up with something better
for Howard.” I noted the line and went back to the writers room where about five of us “threw lines” — made suggestions for the others to rule on — until we had ten replacements that we all agreed filled the bill.  I hurried back to Hope’s dressing room with the list. Hope was checking his makeup and motioned for me to hand the list to Cosell.  He took it and, slowly looking it up-and-down, said, “Is this the best you could do?” I could see Hope wince. He obviously resented Howard’s assessment of his writing staff, one of whom, Charlie Isaacs, dated back to Hope’s radio days. He snatched the list from Howard, quickly chose a new line and told
me to get it to Barney McNulty to put on cue cards.
Despite his being difficult, Howard always added an air of authenticity to our sports specials, so he was invited back many times.

(Excerpted from THE LAUGH MAKERS Bear Manor Media (c) 2009

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