BOBBIN’ ALONG -- Divers with the Hawaii Undersea Research Laboratory discovered an unknown reef that is the home of what they believe may be a new species of deep sea sponge. They were stunned when they noticed that it appears to be wearing square pants.
BALLROOM -- Former Kansas City hurler Mark Lytell invented what he claims is a safer, more comfortable athletic cup that sells for $19.95 and is named the “Nutty Buddy.” A top-of-the-line model in solid platinum is available at Tiffany’s in their Family Jewels section.
SFO HMO -- Airports in Atlanta, Chicago, Denver, Newark and San Francisco offer flu shots to arriving and departing passengers. And those whose security x-rays show a sprain or inflammation may qualify for a Cortisone shot.
WE’RE OFF TO SEE -- When Midgets and dwarfs who played the Munchkins in 1939’s “Wizard of Oz” were awarded a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame, there was an unfortunate accident during the installation ceremony in front of Graumann’s Chinese Theater. Three of them fell into one of the footprints.
WHEN YOU WISH -- Disney World, which had purchased $700 million in natural gas futures from the now defunct Lehman Brothers, is now faced with escalating energy costs to heat the theme park. Snow White was so cold last night, she had to throw on another Dwarf.
BOOLA BOOLA -- Nine state troopers were caught submitting forged academic documents to qualify for higher pay scales. State inspectors became suspicious when they noticed degrees from the University of Winchell's and Dunkin' Donuts Tech.
REACH OUT -- A death row inmate in Texas was found in possession of a cell phone he'd been using for weeks with minutes provided by his mother. It was Nokia's popular "Hard Time 550" model with cell waiting.
CALL FOR AMERICAN -- The World Health Organization predicts there will be 8.3 million deaths from tobacco related illnesses between now and 2030. Each grave "so round, so firm, so fully-packed"...
WALKING ALONE -- Jerry Lewis apologized for an anti-gay comment he made during a TV interview Down Under. He had to admit that he has no real evidence that Crocodile Dundee and Mel Gibson are married.
PAPA BURNING -- Animal rights activists staged a topless protest outside the European Parliament demanding a ban on bullfighting in Spain, France and Portugal. First the gals set their bras on fire and then ignited a pile of books by Ernest Hemingway.
ROAD KILL -- Armadillos, once rarely found in the north, are migrating in greater numbers. Zoologists theorize that some are searching for food, some are seeking mates and the majority just want to get as far away from Texas as possible.
SKIN GAME -- Ford Motor Company offers an option called "My key" which is programmed to limit both the speed of the car and the radio's volume when the car is driven by a teenager. It also alerts the parents whenever the car gets within fifty yards of a tattoo parlor.