FRI, SAT, November 30, December1, 2012

SUGAR DADDY -- Sheldon Adelson, the largest individual donor in the presidential campaign with GOP pledges worth $54 million, will collect $1.2 billion in dividends as a stockholder in the Las Vegas Sands Hotel.  Mitt Romney may have become too accustomed to the steady cash flow.  Yesterday, Adelson got a Christmas card from him that said "Happy Holidays -- Second Notice."
 

BURNING BUSH -- Nineteen-year-old Angus T Jones, who has co-starred on "Two and a Half Men" for the past ten seasons threatened to quit because he says it's "full of filth."  Actually, that's the same reason Charlie Sheen left the show, but he was so embarrassed to admit it, he faked all those bimbo meltdowns.
 

BEAM ME UP -- According to top-secret documents recently declassified, the Pentagon once considered setting off a nuclear blast on the moon to impress the Russians who had just launched Sputnik.  Luckily, they were talked out of it by astronomer Carl Sagen and Andy Williams who thought it would adversely effect sales of his new album.

CHECK, PLEASE! -- Delivering on a promise he made prior to the presidential election, Barack Obama hosted his defeated opponent Mitt Romney for lunch in the family quarters of the White House.  Details are sketchy as to what they discussed, since there were no other guests -- just the President, Mitt, and his food taster.
 

WHITE ON RICE -- Political pundits theorize that Republicans are blocking the nomination of Susan Rice as Secretary of State to insure that  John Kerry gets the nod so Scott Brown can take his vacated Senate seat.  The GOP hasn't been this down on rice since they were forced to attend a Congressional luncheon for the Chinese ambassador.

 
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Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved
 
 

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY -- View over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget!
www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers

THURSDAY, November 29, 2012

ONE FOR THE ROAD -- Las Vegas's McCarran Airport now provides the harried traveler an oasis of alcoholic delights at "The Liquor Library" where "librarians" in grey skirts and horn-rimmed glasses offer visitors "free tastings" of 350 brands of beer, wine and spirits.  The Library provides virtually everything for the serious drinker including an in-house counselor from the Betty Ford Clinic.
 

TIT FOR TAT -- Parliament will soon vote on a bill to strengthen Great Britain's anti-prostitution laws.  On the other side, British prostitutes are demanding cleaner working  conditions, more sick pay, and increased medical and dental.  Well, increased medical, anyway.
 

ME TARZAN -- A study on worldwide life expectancy commissioned by the UN found, surprisingly, that males living in the tropics die seven years earlier than those who don't.  Most die prematurely from exhaustion trying to communicate with nothing but a set of bongo drums and a conch shell.

 

STRONG RESUME -- Jill Kelley, the Tampa socialite who exposed The Petraeus-Broadwell affair, has been stripped of her diplomatic status as an "honorary consul" to South Korea.  But not to fret.  Within hours she was offered a position by North Korea's Kim Jong Un as an "honorary concubine."
 

BOUGHS OF BULLETS -- The FBI reports a 20% increase in applications for gun-ownership background checks.  Black Friday spurred strong sales figures across the nation from Shooter's World in Phoenix to Guns Galore in Kileen, Texas.  Makes sense.  Nothing says "Peace on Earth, Goodwill Toward Men" like an AK-47 under the tree.

 
Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY -- View over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget!
 
www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers
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WEDNESDAY, November 28, 2012

DRUDGE ON THE MAT -- A New study conducted by social scientists in Norway reveals that husbands who share housework with their wives are twice as likely to get divorced than husbands who never do household chores.  As near as the researchers can figure, men who help with the dishes often forget to replace their wedding ring, making them twice as susceptible to extra-marital affairs.

MON DIEU -- Conservationists in Western France fought police as they protested the construction of a new airport they claim will destroy valuable woodlands and increase air pollution in the area.  Riot police disbursed the rowdy crowd with high-pressure water cannon which, in keeping with France’s traditional love of all things revolutionary, squirt Perrier. 

TARGET PRACTICE -- Once limited to extra equipment like a compass and a canteen full of lukewarm water, sport hunters are taking advantage of telephone apps that provide GPS coverage, times of sunrise and sunset, location of public hunting lands and current regulations.  The new Disney "Let's Bag Bambi" app alerts the hunter of the best time of day to ambush a deer herd at their favorite watering hole.

HO-HO-HO -- According to a study commissioned by USA Today, the average department store Santa works an 8 to 10 hour day, 30 to 40 days of the year, and earns $15 to $35 an hour wearing a Santa suit that costs $600 to $3500.  The more expensive suits include features like moisture-resistant pants, a jerk-proof beard and a hidden flask compartment that accommodates a half pint of Southern Comfort.

HOMECOMING -- In Glendale, CA, a camel named “Atula” featured in the Ramos Brothers Circus currently playing in town escaped from her handlers and disrupted traffic on a nearby freeway until police Fish and Game officers intervened.  Vets theorize she was searching for family members from whom she was separated after working as extras on "Lawrence of Arabia."

Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY -- View over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget!

www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers

TUESDAY, November 27, 2012

DROPPING IN -- Britain's top code-breakers are stumped by a secret code attached to the leg bone of a pigeon found stuffed in a Surrey chimney.  Experts attached to MI-5 are at a loss the explain the World War I message from the front lines that begins "Love soft rain, long walks on the beach and cities with lots of statues. Seeking same." 
 

SMILE TRAIN -- In a replay of action they took last September, the National Hockey League has declared a total lockout of players and cancelled another two weeks of games and possibly the entire season.   The lockout prohibits players from entering their locker rooms except, of course, to retrieve dental bridges.
 

CAR 54 WHERE ARE YOU? -- A San Antonio, Texas federal judge has blocked plans by a school district to require students to wear electronic tracking tags which, "...are perfectly harmless and necessary to establish attendance records," said Principle Joseph McCarthy of the George Orwell Middle School.

    

CHEESEY -- The longest-running play in the history of the legitimate theater is “The Mouse Trap,” the Agatha Christie mystery which has been running continuously since it first took to the boards at London’s West End in 1952.  It alone has accounted for 27,643 performances, 2,347 different actors in leading roles and half a million dead mice.
 

NO CIGAR -- Actor Peter O’Toole has been nominated for an Academy Award eight times but has yet to win one.  He was up for an Oscar in “Lawrence of Arabia,” “Beckett,” “The Lion in Winter,” “Goodbye, Mr. Chips,” “The Ruling Class,” “The Stunt Man,” “My Favorite Year, and “Venus.”  He’s hoping to cop yet a ninth nomination for his leading role in this year’s “And the Winner Isn’t…”

 Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

SUNDAY, MONDAY, November 25, 26, 2012

WET WICK -- TV critics skewered Sunday night's "Liz and Dick" biopic with Lindsay Lohan and Grant Bowler as the sizzling duo who ignited each other during the filming of "Cleopatra."   The love scenes are so contrived and unconvincing, even a fellow actor urges Liz to go back to Eddie Fisher.
 

NO BILLIARDS -- In London, a naked man scrambled atop the bronze statue of 19th century Duke of Cambridge in the Whitehall District and held off police for three hours.  A spokesman for the Palace explained that Prince Harry had "apparently imbibed too many pints while celebrating Thanksgiving at Grandma's castle."
 

POCKET CHANGE -- A silver colonial Massachusetts coin minted in 1652 sold at an auction in New York for $430,000.  It's believed to be the only currency to contain all the signatures on the Declaration of Independence.  Well almost all of them.  Half of John Hancock's is followed by a notice that says "Continued on next coin."
 

FEEL LIKE A NUT -- The City of Cannes, France launched its first annual "Chocolate Fair" featuring beautiful women from all nations wearing designer outfits made entirely of cocoa products.  Biggest hit during the bathing suit portion was Lady GaGa's bikini made from two size D Reese's Cups and a Peter-Paul Mounds.   
 

IS YOUR COMPUTER ON? -- The chief financial officer and several employees of Walmart's first store in Mumbai, India have been suspended as a result of  an investigation of fraud and corruption.  It seems the managers were selling high-priced tech support for electronic products even though customers were able to run next door and get it for free. 

Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

FRIDAY, SATURDAY, November 23, 24, 2012

GRAND THEFT BEAN -- The Canadian Mounties are searching for thieves who stole six coffee brewers from a Vancouver, B.C, Starbucks outlet.  The coffee makers themselves were old and past their prime but they contained the chain's "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" blend worth pound-for-pound at Starbuck's per-cup prices as much as high quality crack cocaine.
 

BREATH CONTROL -- A Southwest Airlines en route to Dallas from Kansas City experienced a sudden drop in cabin pressure.  I think Southwest has gone too far in their cost-cutting.  One oxygen mask dropped down in each row of seats with a sign attached that said "Please Pass This Around."
 

NICKLES & DIMES -- The U.S. Justice Department proudly announced the largest fine ever levied against an oil company -- $2 billion against BP for the Gulf spill last year.  Like that will teach them a lesson.  Most oil executives have more than that under their couch cushions.

 

HIGH OVERHEAD -- A recent study by the Los Angeles County Economic Development Corp. estimates that the entertainment industry earned $47 billion in 2011.   Twenty-seven percent of which went to pay the premiums on Lindsay Lohan's auto insurance.
 

WISH YOU WERE HERE -- A postcard mailed July 4, 1943 by a man at a Rockford, Illinois Army Camp  to his sisters in Elmira, New York finally arrived last week.  When contacted by reporters, postal authorities blamed the late delivery on "a barely legible address written in pencil and the usual delays caused by early Christmas mailing."

Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved

THURSDAY, November 22, 2012

TOYS AIN'T US -- The U.S. Public Research Group has issued its annual holiday warning of dangerous toys that includes Wal-Mart's plastic play food that constitutes a choking hazard and Target's "Dora the Explorer" guitar that can cause deafness with prolonged use.  Also a danger is Tyco's "Let's Drive Like Lindsay!" suction cup plastic steering wheel and the "L'il Mitt Job Generator" from Mattel that mints small plastic coins toddlers can swallow.      
 

CAKE SHAKEDOWN -- The TSA has alerted travelers carrying baked goods over the Holidays that they'll face extra scrutiny.  Good luck.  They're great finding hidden bombs and concealed weapons, but wait until they try defusing Aunt Hilda's annual fruitcake.
 

STREET CRED -- The guy who for 28 years provided the voice of  Sesame Street character Elmo resigned after being accused of having sex with a minor. May not mean much to you, but Jerry Sandusky thinks he'll finally be getting a cellmate he can get some sleep next to.
 

PERFECT RESUME -- Mark Stuben, the District Attorney of New York City, confirmed   rumors that he was employed as a porn actor in the 1970s.  Hey, what better training for a lawyer?  If you can do it on the screen, you sure won't have any trouble doing it to clients.
 

BIRDS OF A FEATHER -- The Supreme Court of New York refused to grant strip clubs the same tax exemptions that true art like ballet and interpretive dance enjoy.  And the court is ever on the alert for cheaters.  For instance, "Swan Lake" doesn't qualify if the guys in the front row are allowed to tuck $20 bills into the swans' tutus.

Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved