The State of California pays electricity consumers a $75 bounty for every old refrigerator they turn in. In New Jersey, you get an extra $100 if there's no body in it.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A pilot crash-landed his Cessna on a Greshan, OR golf course. He was charged with negligence, reckless flying and failure to replace his divot.
Ten years ago this week, Stones guitarist Keith Richards was inducted into the Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame. Fans who showed up for the ceremony reported that he looked so lifelike it was eerie.
Some Los Angeles beach lifeguards spend over 70 hours a week patrolling beaches for debris. On the plus side, they spend so much time around medical waste, they now qualify as pharmacists.
The FBI reported that thousands of former mafia dons are now living in the Witness Protection Program. As a public service, here are some telltale signs that your next door neighbor may be a wise guy:
1) There's been a telephone company repair truck parked in front of his house since 1967.
2) The trunk of his Cadillac has air holes.
3) He's often spotted renting a cement mixer at Ace Hardware.
4) His first name is "Guido," "Sonny" or "Alfonse."
Ten years ago this week, a federal lawsuit was filed by 160,000 California prisoners charging that inmates receive less than state-of-the-art medical care. It was almost like they were being punished or something.
Clowns International advised members to purchase pie-in-the-face insurance to protect them from lawsuits. The policy they recommend is underwritten by Marie Calender's of London and has a lemon meringue deduction.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Hollywood have reached a tentative agreement with producers on a new contract that will be voted on by the members. Settlement talks stalled after the producers ordered a rewrite to flesh out the characters and further clarify the overall theme of the negotiations.
Thousands of air travelers were evacuated from Schiphol International Airport in Amsterdam after a flash fire broke out in the Burger King. Arson investigators determined the cause to be use of non-flame-retardant cholesterol.
Jurors in a federal copyright violation case awarded the plaintiffs $300,000 in damages when they meant $3 million. And these are the same people we let decide who should get the death penalty?
The Netherlands has an end-of-life law that allows doctors to assist patients in committing suicide. In the U.S., the only legally approved method of inducing one's own death is to appear at a comedy club's "open mike night" with weak material.
Ten years ago this week, the Swiss Army decommissioned the world's last combat bicycle regiment. In a touching ceremony, the brigade's distinctive ensign was lowered for the final time while bagpipers played the elite unit's official battle hymn "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head."
Eager to reduce its record divorce rate, Arkansas offers engaged couples who agree to attend classes in marriage, a reduced license fee. Which is waived entirely if the bride is over 12 and not a blood relative of the groom.
Responding to the economic downturn, budget hotels such as Motel 6 and Red Roof Inns are competing for the penny-pinching traveler's dollar. Are you staying in one? The answer is yes, if :
1) As you're checking in, you notice a Sheriff's Scuba Team dragging the pool for bodies.
2) The "Continental Breakfast" is stale donuts served from the trunk of a 1949 Lincoln Continental.
3) The towel-warmer in the bathroom is frayed electrical wiring.
4) The ice machine has been replaced by a life size cardboard cut out of Hillary Clinton.
5) You call the desk clerk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and he says "Go ahead."
A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
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TUESDAY, March 29, 2011
Visitors were evacuated and the doors to the snake house at the Bronx Zoo locked after a cobra escaped from its cage. Keepers tried to coax the reptile out of hiding by playing the sounds of a wounded faun, a female cobra in heat and an ambulance siren.
The new Tiger Woods mobile phone app is his most useful yet. Along with a quick putting tip, the app causes the entire phone, when left unattended with a porn text clearly visible, to be rendered invisible to the owner’s wife or girl friend.
A North Carolina legislator has proposed a bill to declare stock car racing the official state sport. If passed, it will join “red” as the official state neck color and “barefoot” as the official word for pregnant.
R & B icon Chris Brown recently went postal during an interview on “Good Morning America,” tossing a chair through a window. If that weren’t bad enough, Dianne Sawyer was sitting in it at the time.
* Brown threw the chair after interviewer Robin Roberts repeatedly referred to Rihanna, the girl Brown was charged with beating up. Bad six months for Chris. He went from Chris Brown to Bobby Brown to Bobby Knight.
The new Tiger Woods mobile phone app is his most useful yet. Along with a quick putting tip, the app causes the entire phone, when left unattended with a porn text clearly visible, to be rendered invisible to the owner’s wife or girl friend.
A North Carolina legislator has proposed a bill to declare stock car racing the official state sport. If passed, it will join “red” as the official state neck color and “barefoot” as the official word for pregnant.
R & B icon Chris Brown recently went postal during an interview on “Good Morning America,” tossing a chair through a window. If that weren’t bad enough, Dianne Sawyer was sitting in it at the time.
* Brown threw the chair after interviewer Robin Roberts repeatedly referred to Rihanna, the girl Brown was charged with beating up. Bad six months for Chris. He went from Chris Brown to Bobby Brown to Bobby Knight.
MONDAY, March 27, 2011
Los Angeles staged a mock drill to determine if its first responders are ready for “the Big One.” Not an earthquake -- the danger the city will face when Charlie Sheen wakes up and learns he blew $2 million an episode.
The new series on the National Geographic Channel,“Inside the Secret Service,“ is so realistic, you have to wear an earpiece to hear it -- and that’s after you’ve applied for and been assigned a Secret Service code name.
Researchers have discovered that the major ingredient in the most effective men’s hair restorers may also cause erectile dysfunction. So you have a definite choice now, gals. Do you want him hairy or horny?
World travelers are flocking to sample the new seats in Air New Zealand’s Business Class that convert to beds with room for two. Initially, it sounded like a good idea until they admitted that the pilot’s seat converts, too.
In his new book, "Red, My Uncensored Life in Rock," former Van Halen front man Sammy Hagar says he was abducted by aliens. He offers some pretty convincing proof. He insists that afterward, he switched from sniffing cocaine to sniffing Reese’s Pieces.
The new series on the National Geographic Channel,“Inside the Secret Service,“ is so realistic, you have to wear an earpiece to hear it -- and that’s after you’ve applied for and been assigned a Secret Service code name.
Researchers have discovered that the major ingredient in the most effective men’s hair restorers may also cause erectile dysfunction. So you have a definite choice now, gals. Do you want him hairy or horny?
World travelers are flocking to sample the new seats in Air New Zealand’s Business Class that convert to beds with room for two. Initially, it sounded like a good idea until they admitted that the pilot’s seat converts, too.
In his new book, "Red, My Uncensored Life in Rock," former Van Halen front man Sammy Hagar says he was abducted by aliens. He offers some pretty convincing proof. He insists that afterward, he switched from sniffing cocaine to sniffing Reese’s Pieces.
FRI, SAT, SUN, March 25, 26, 27, 2011
INS agents arrested a group of illegal aliens trying to march across the border disguised as Marine Corps recruits. The ruse came close to working, too, until an agent noticed they were singing “From the Halls of Montezuma’s Revenge… “
A condom manufacturer has begun printing advertisements. Mostly for intimacy products, but the student model displays the crest of the wearer’s alma mater and the warning: “Warranty Void If Stored In Wallet For Over One year.”
An increase in prescriptions is being credited for the recent 10% rise in Walgreen’s profits. Major reason for the spike is the decision of most major medical schools to include penmanship training.
For the first time in its history, a former sumo wrestler competed in the Los Angeles Marathon. Even more impressive, the runner collected $3,000 in endorsement fees for the Depends ad printed on his diaper.
The perjury trial of diamond legend Barry Bonds is now in full swing. Appearances aside, maybe not a good idea for Barry to have been playing liars dice with the bailiff during the prosecutor’s opening statement.
A condom manufacturer has begun printing advertisements. Mostly for intimacy products, but the student model displays the crest of the wearer’s alma mater and the warning: “Warranty Void If Stored In Wallet For Over One year.”
An increase in prescriptions is being credited for the recent 10% rise in Walgreen’s profits. Major reason for the spike is the decision of most major medical schools to include penmanship training.
For the first time in its history, a former sumo wrestler competed in the Los Angeles Marathon. Even more impressive, the runner collected $3,000 in endorsement fees for the Depends ad printed on his diaper.
The perjury trial of diamond legend Barry Bonds is now in full swing. Appearances aside, maybe not a good idea for Barry to have been playing liars dice with the bailiff during the prosecutor’s opening statement.
THURSDAY, March 24, 2011
According to statistics compiled by the Centers for Disease Control, life expectancy in the US has reached 78 years. To put that in laymen’s terms, the researchers calculated that 78 is the new Keith Richards.
Sarah Palin is on her way to Tel Aviv for a fact-finding tour of kabutzes in Israel. She told reporters she’s been in no rush to fly there since she can see the Gaza Strip Mall from her front porch in Wasilla.
A former teacher was convicted of helping terrorists ship paint-ball pellets to Pakistan. And none too soon. President Obama received several top-secret reports from under-cover agents at Sherwin-Williams that the Pakistanis have been manufacturing colors of mass saturation.
According to a paper published by the AMA, a study of 6,000 seniors shows that men who never exercise are five times more likely to suffer a fatal heart attack during sex. Forget the paper -- get that on the Viagra label!
Sandra Bullock donated $1 million to earthquake survivors in Japan. Even more impressive, there are reports that Lady Gaga is seriously considering a request to auction off one of her ga’s.
Sarah Palin is on her way to Tel Aviv for a fact-finding tour of kabutzes in Israel. She told reporters she’s been in no rush to fly there since she can see the Gaza Strip Mall from her front porch in Wasilla.
A former teacher was convicted of helping terrorists ship paint-ball pellets to Pakistan. And none too soon. President Obama received several top-secret reports from under-cover agents at Sherwin-Williams that the Pakistanis have been manufacturing colors of mass saturation.
According to a paper published by the AMA, a study of 6,000 seniors shows that men who never exercise are five times more likely to suffer a fatal heart attack during sex. Forget the paper -- get that on the Viagra label!
Sandra Bullock donated $1 million to earthquake survivors in Japan. Even more impressive, there are reports that Lady Gaga is seriously considering a request to auction off one of her ga’s.
WEDNESDAY, March 23, 2011
With the royal wedding just a month off, sales of novelty items are flying off London’s souvenir shop shelves. Hottest seller so far is the “Princess Kate” bobble head doll that, when wound up, slices off the bobble head of a commoner doll.
The Pentagon has named the US Army’s invasion of Libya “Operation Odyssey Dawn.” Not to be confused with the USO’s “Operation Tony Orlando and Dawn” carried out under cover of darkness during the war in Vietnam.
Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was rushed to a hospital in Rome after suffering a dizzy spell during a congressional junket. Current House Speaker John Bohner immediately issued a press release stating that he would be willing to submit to a DNA test to disprove paternity.
Kevin Costner has been tapped to play Clark Kent’s dad in the next “Superman” sequel. He’ll portray Atwater Kent, 30-year employee of AT&T, who’s in charge of locating suitable booths for Clark to change clothes in.
Al Qaeda has announced it will soon publish a magazine aimed exclusively at Muslim women. It will be designed after Oprah’s magazine “O,“ but Instead of giving fans new cars, they’ll get new pick-up trucks to blow themselves up in.
The Pentagon has named the US Army’s invasion of Libya “Operation Odyssey Dawn.” Not to be confused with the USO’s “Operation Tony Orlando and Dawn” carried out under cover of darkness during the war in Vietnam.
Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was rushed to a hospital in Rome after suffering a dizzy spell during a congressional junket. Current House Speaker John Bohner immediately issued a press release stating that he would be willing to submit to a DNA test to disprove paternity.
Kevin Costner has been tapped to play Clark Kent’s dad in the next “Superman” sequel. He’ll portray Atwater Kent, 30-year employee of AT&T, who’s in charge of locating suitable booths for Clark to change clothes in.
Al Qaeda has announced it will soon publish a magazine aimed exclusively at Muslim women. It will be designed after Oprah’s magazine “O,“ but Instead of giving fans new cars, they’ll get new pick-up trucks to blow themselves up in.
TUESDAY, March 22, 2011
In a Newsweek Magazine American History quiz, 80% of the respondents did not know that Woodrow Wilson was president during WWI. Closest near-misses: 13% said Flip Wilson, 5% guessed Wilson Pickett and 3% said "Mary Wilson who later went on the Supreme Court."
Ever-expanding Costco now offers its members “pre-need” caskets. Their complete “Chapel-to Dirt” package includes a hearse with a full tank of Costco cut-rate gas, six check-out clerk pall-bearers, and a graveside casket-lowering by a stock boy with a fork lift.
Archeologists digging on LA’s Channel Islands recently uncovered fish hooks used 12,000 years ago. They are believed to have inspired the motto: “Give a man a fish and he'll eat -- teach him how to fish and he'll open a Red Lobster.”
Taking its cue from Best Buy who provides sales associates a free Apple I-Pad, Delta Airlines will issue its pilots I-Pads with apps to log-in pre-takeoff cocktail orders, an “available flight attendant” message board, and a GPS locator to find overshot runways.
The Vatican has expressed relief at the decision by the Italian court that crucifixes in public schools do not discriminate against non-Christians. In fact, a majority of Italians favor crucifixes hanging anywhere as long as Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is the one nailed to it.
Ever-expanding Costco now offers its members “pre-need” caskets. Their complete “Chapel-to Dirt” package includes a hearse with a full tank of Costco cut-rate gas, six check-out clerk pall-bearers, and a graveside casket-lowering by a stock boy with a fork lift.
Archeologists digging on LA’s Channel Islands recently uncovered fish hooks used 12,000 years ago. They are believed to have inspired the motto: “Give a man a fish and he'll eat -- teach him how to fish and he'll open a Red Lobster.”
Taking its cue from Best Buy who provides sales associates a free Apple I-Pad, Delta Airlines will issue its pilots I-Pads with apps to log-in pre-takeoff cocktail orders, an “available flight attendant” message board, and a GPS locator to find overshot runways.
The Vatican has expressed relief at the decision by the Italian court that crucifixes in public schools do not discriminate against non-Christians. In fact, a majority of Italians favor crucifixes hanging anywhere as long as Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is the one nailed to it.
MONDAY, March 21, 2011
Fed up paying inflated salaries, placating overbearing players’ agents and coddling a bunch of over-indulged primadonnas, NFL owners have staged a lockout of their players. Big deal. Now, if they could convince Kate Hudson, Cameron Diaz, Madonna and the Kardashians to lock them out, they’d have something.
After nearly a decade of intense debate and discussion, Internet overseer Icann has formally approved “.xxx” as the official pornography domain. By a razor-thin margin, members of the ruling board picked the winner over runners-up “.kar” for the Kardashians and “.hil” for Paris Hilton.
The state of Utah has become the first in the nation to name an official state firearm, the Browning M1911 automatic. No poster child yet, but they’ll bestow that honor on the first kid who gets into his dad’s official state gun case carelessly left unlocked and officially shoots the next door neighbor‘s kid.
An oceanographer from Bangor University in the UK has filmed thresher sharks off the Philippine coast regularly visiting “cleaner stations” to allow smaller fish to nibble off parasites and dead skin. Sharks who order “The Works” also receive a fin manicure and have the hairs plucked from their gills.
The fabled Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas, once home to the legendary “Rat Pack,” is being raised to make way for a larger, more garish monument to greed, excess and depravity. But not in the usual fashion. The cast of “The Hangover” will be allowed to demolish it during the filming of “Hangover II.”
After nearly a decade of intense debate and discussion, Internet overseer Icann has formally approved “.xxx” as the official pornography domain. By a razor-thin margin, members of the ruling board picked the winner over runners-up “.kar” for the Kardashians and “.hil” for Paris Hilton.
The state of Utah has become the first in the nation to name an official state firearm, the Browning M1911 automatic. No poster child yet, but they’ll bestow that honor on the first kid who gets into his dad’s official state gun case carelessly left unlocked and officially shoots the next door neighbor‘s kid.
An oceanographer from Bangor University in the UK has filmed thresher sharks off the Philippine coast regularly visiting “cleaner stations” to allow smaller fish to nibble off parasites and dead skin. Sharks who order “The Works” also receive a fin manicure and have the hairs plucked from their gills.
The fabled Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas, once home to the legendary “Rat Pack,” is being raised to make way for a larger, more garish monument to greed, excess and depravity. But not in the usual fashion. The cast of “The Hangover” will be allowed to demolish it during the filming of “Hangover II.”
FRI, SAT, SUN, March 18, 19, 20, 2011
The US experienced a run on anti-radiation iodine pills called “Thyro-Safe”, spurred by people who believe the Japanese nuclear disaster could reach US shores. CDC doctors were quick to diffuse the panic, reassuring the public that anti-Charlie Sheen pills would better protect their health.
Gennady Yanin, director of the famed Russian Bolshoi Ballet, resigned after sexually explicit photos of him were circulated on the web. The photos have been taken down, but according to reports they involved handcuffs, swan feather dusters and a flashing neon codpiece.
Despite Gen. Petraeus and his rosy glasses, a whopping 65% of Americans now believe that the US invasion of Afghanistan was a mistake -- 22% said they were all right with it and 18%, interviewed at a Christina Agulera concert said, “There’s a war in Afghanistan?”
Rumors are flooding Hollywood that Arnold Schwartzenegger and Danny DeVito have signed on for a “Twins” sequel in which they discover they’re triplets and the third baby was Eddie Murphy. The script doesn’t sound too realistic, though. In it, Eddie becomes governor of California.
Charlie Sheen told ABC News that he will soon peddle products on the internet. What products would you guess Charlie might have a good chance of moving off the shelves? Well, for starters you have Xanax, Valium, Librium, Paxil, Prozax, Zoloft, Ativan, and Celexa, not to mention several brands of straight-jackets and three national rehab chains.
Gennady Yanin, director of the famed Russian Bolshoi Ballet, resigned after sexually explicit photos of him were circulated on the web. The photos have been taken down, but according to reports they involved handcuffs, swan feather dusters and a flashing neon codpiece.
Despite Gen. Petraeus and his rosy glasses, a whopping 65% of Americans now believe that the US invasion of Afghanistan was a mistake -- 22% said they were all right with it and 18%, interviewed at a Christina Agulera concert said, “There’s a war in Afghanistan?”
Rumors are flooding Hollywood that Arnold Schwartzenegger and Danny DeVito have signed on for a “Twins” sequel in which they discover they’re triplets and the third baby was Eddie Murphy. The script doesn’t sound too realistic, though. In it, Eddie becomes governor of California.
Charlie Sheen told ABC News that he will soon peddle products on the internet. What products would you guess Charlie might have a good chance of moving off the shelves? Well, for starters you have Xanax, Valium, Librium, Paxil, Prozax, Zoloft, Ativan, and Celexa, not to mention several brands of straight-jackets and three national rehab chains.
THURSDAY, March 17, 2011
Claiming it’s way ahead of Coke in reducing its carbon footprint, Pepsi has unveiled a new environmentally-friendly bottle made entirely of switch grass, pine bark, corn husks and orange peels. Or, as frequent flyers often refer to it, “Dinner in Coach on Delta.”
Lately, National Public Radio has accepted the resignations of several high-ranking executives. NPR is more than happy to say goodbye to anyone who makes them look wimpy. Unlike public television which won‘t let you go even if you beg. Dying won’t even do it. Take Lawrence Welk -- dead for a quarter century and still on every Sunday night.
The White Rose Shopping Mall in Denbighshire, Wales removed mug shots of convicted criminals after customers complained the photos made them nervous. Shop owners got the idea after a jewelry store owner displayed a photo of Lindsay Lohan in a circle with a line drawn through it.
This week marks the 60th “Running of the Brides” at Boston’s Filene's Basement when packs of June brides risk cuts and bruises while riffling through thousands of cut-rate wedding gowns. Top seller this year is the “Kate Middleton,” which comes with a CD of Amy Winehouse singing “Some Day My Prince Will Come.”
Former Giants running back Tiki Barber has announced that he plans to re-cleat and attempt a comeback. What’s with all the geezer comebacks? First Brett Farve and now Tiki. Times have a way of changing. Wasn’t that long ago more players were coming out of the closet than retirement.
Lately, National Public Radio has accepted the resignations of several high-ranking executives. NPR is more than happy to say goodbye to anyone who makes them look wimpy. Unlike public television which won‘t let you go even if you beg. Dying won’t even do it. Take Lawrence Welk -- dead for a quarter century and still on every Sunday night.
The White Rose Shopping Mall in Denbighshire, Wales removed mug shots of convicted criminals after customers complained the photos made them nervous. Shop owners got the idea after a jewelry store owner displayed a photo of Lindsay Lohan in a circle with a line drawn through it.
This week marks the 60th “Running of the Brides” at Boston’s Filene's Basement when packs of June brides risk cuts and bruises while riffling through thousands of cut-rate wedding gowns. Top seller this year is the “Kate Middleton,” which comes with a CD of Amy Winehouse singing “Some Day My Prince Will Come.”
Former Giants running back Tiki Barber has announced that he plans to re-cleat and attempt a comeback. What’s with all the geezer comebacks? First Brett Farve and now Tiki. Times have a way of changing. Wasn’t that long ago more players were coming out of the closet than retirement.
WEDNESDAY, March 16, 2011
AFLAC Insurance fired Gilbert Gottfried, celebrity voice of its TV duck, after the comedian published tasteless tweets about the earthquake in Japan. Funeral services are pending for the duck who will be buried at LA’s Forest O’ Hydrants Pet Cemetery beside the tasteless Taco Bell chihuahua.
According to the National realty Council, most home owners consider their neighbors’ pets a nuisance. Never known to miss a marketing opportunity, Oscar Meyer has introduced “Ars-No-Burgers,” ground beef and arsenic in handy patties just the right weight for tossing over back fences.
Archeologists digging on LA’s Channel Islands recently uncovered hooks that primitive man used to catch fish 12,000 years ago. The hooks are believed to have been used by the earliest known Neanderthal author of “The Old Man and the Sea,” Ogg Hemingway.
According to a report from the American College of Emergency Physicians, there is a nationwide trend to offer ERs equipped especially for seniors that include more comfortable gurneys by Lay-Z-Boy, an extra loud PA system, and wrinkled suture thread.
Soccer phenom David Beckham and his wife Victoria have announced that she will give birth to their first daughter in July. She told reporters that they’ll honor her origins as an original Spice Girl by naming the baby Oregano-Sesame Seed.
According to the National realty Council, most home owners consider their neighbors’ pets a nuisance. Never known to miss a marketing opportunity, Oscar Meyer has introduced “Ars-No-Burgers,” ground beef and arsenic in handy patties just the right weight for tossing over back fences.
Archeologists digging on LA’s Channel Islands recently uncovered hooks that primitive man used to catch fish 12,000 years ago. The hooks are believed to have been used by the earliest known Neanderthal author of “The Old Man and the Sea,” Ogg Hemingway.
According to a report from the American College of Emergency Physicians, there is a nationwide trend to offer ERs equipped especially for seniors that include more comfortable gurneys by Lay-Z-Boy, an extra loud PA system, and wrinkled suture thread.
Soccer phenom David Beckham and his wife Victoria have announced that she will give birth to their first daughter in July. She told reporters that they’ll honor her origins as an original Spice Girl by naming the baby Oregano-Sesame Seed.
TUESDAY, March 15, 2011
Sarah Palen appeared confused recently on a talk show when she was asked what she thought the US should do about Libya. Caught off guard, she had to admit that she thought Libya was a Middle Eastern version of Dubya.
Two Minneapolis roommates learned the hard way that a pair of “strippers” they hired for a private show were actually robbers who proceeded to abscond with their cash and possessions. They should have suspected something when they first spotted the girls in a firehouse sliding UP the pole.
For the first time in forty years, the Wimbledon Tennis Tournament will be telecast in 3-D. Though used briefly in the 1970s with some success, the technology was abandoned after scientists determined that the early 3-D cameras caused Andre Agassi to lose all his hair.
According to the Bloomberg report, Beverly Hills, CA leads the nation in high gasoline prices. Most likely because luxury transportation manufactured precisely to appeal to the cost-is-no-object-just-so-I-paid-more-than-my neighbor Beverly Hills property owner, will not, under factory specs, burn fuel priced below $5 per gallon.
Naming the new LA sports stadium is proving to be a problem. One City Council member wants to name it after his boyhood ballpark in Madison, Wisconsin, another thinks it should reflect the taste of London’s Piccadilly Square, and still another from New Jersey thinks it should honor the Garden State. Perfect. Why not call it “Madison Square Garden“?
Two Minneapolis roommates learned the hard way that a pair of “strippers” they hired for a private show were actually robbers who proceeded to abscond with their cash and possessions. They should have suspected something when they first spotted the girls in a firehouse sliding UP the pole.
For the first time in forty years, the Wimbledon Tennis Tournament will be telecast in 3-D. Though used briefly in the 1970s with some success, the technology was abandoned after scientists determined that the early 3-D cameras caused Andre Agassi to lose all his hair.
According to the Bloomberg report, Beverly Hills, CA leads the nation in high gasoline prices. Most likely because luxury transportation manufactured precisely to appeal to the cost-is-no-object-just-so-I-paid-more-than-my neighbor Beverly Hills property owner, will not, under factory specs, burn fuel priced below $5 per gallon.
Naming the new LA sports stadium is proving to be a problem. One City Council member wants to name it after his boyhood ballpark in Madison, Wisconsin, another thinks it should reflect the taste of London’s Piccadilly Square, and still another from New Jersey thinks it should honor the Garden State. Perfect. Why not call it “Madison Square Garden“?
MONDAY, March 14, 2011
The Associated Press has sued several retailers including Urban Outfitters for using an image of Barack Obama on a t-shirt in violation of their copyright. In defense of the retailers, they did get permission to use the image of Michelle pointing and saying “I’m with stupid.”
Much of Scotland is covered in snow as Arctic conditions have all but brought highway travel in the Highlands to a standstill. Major electrical circuits were overloaded in sections of Glasgow and Edinburgh by men stuffing their kilts into microwave ovens.
Coincidence… or? Evidence has emerged that at the exact instant Kirstie Alley, in Burbank, CA rehearsing for her upcoming appearance on “Dancing With the Stars,” falls while attempting a difficult “piroette with dip,” Japan suffered its worst earthquake in 100 years. Coincidence… or?
Ten years in the translation, biblical scholars worldwide have released the New International Version of the Holy Bible, modernizing English usage in an attempt to appeal to today’s more tech-savvy, younger readers. Some changes to look for:
* In a blatant nod to fans of NASCAR, instead of “Let there be light,” God now says, “Gentlemen, start your engines!”
* An Organic Midnight Buffet is introduced on Noah’s Ark as well as a completely re-staged and recast musical “Guys and Dolls in the Garden of Eden“
* Sodom and Gomorrah are now called a more inviting “Syracuse and Glendora.”
* In keeping with today’s more health-conscious Christianity, Lot’s wife is turned into “a pillar of salt-substitute.”
* A new Commandment appears between numbers five and six, “Thou Shalt Not Text Message While Driving”
* Loaves and Fishes are now “cheese, assorted crackers and a rather impertinent Grey Riesling”
* Instead of money-changers, Jesus now drives “sub-prime mortgage brokers” out of the temple.
* An additional apostle attends the Last Supper -- “St. Saul Berkovitz, Jesus’ tax accountant, who sits at his right discussing possible deductions.”
* On Palm Sunday, Jesus “enters the city riding upon an Aston-Martin.”
* Easter now falls on a Thursday so as not to conflict with the PGA golf Tour on TV.
Much of Scotland is covered in snow as Arctic conditions have all but brought highway travel in the Highlands to a standstill. Major electrical circuits were overloaded in sections of Glasgow and Edinburgh by men stuffing their kilts into microwave ovens.
Coincidence… or? Evidence has emerged that at the exact instant Kirstie Alley, in Burbank, CA rehearsing for her upcoming appearance on “Dancing With the Stars,” falls while attempting a difficult “piroette with dip,” Japan suffered its worst earthquake in 100 years. Coincidence… or?
Ten years in the translation, biblical scholars worldwide have released the New International Version of the Holy Bible, modernizing English usage in an attempt to appeal to today’s more tech-savvy, younger readers. Some changes to look for:
* In a blatant nod to fans of NASCAR, instead of “Let there be light,” God now says, “Gentlemen, start your engines!”
* An Organic Midnight Buffet is introduced on Noah’s Ark as well as a completely re-staged and recast musical “Guys and Dolls in the Garden of Eden“
* Sodom and Gomorrah are now called a more inviting “Syracuse and Glendora.”
* In keeping with today’s more health-conscious Christianity, Lot’s wife is turned into “a pillar of salt-substitute.”
* A new Commandment appears between numbers five and six, “Thou Shalt Not Text Message While Driving”
* Loaves and Fishes are now “cheese, assorted crackers and a rather impertinent Grey Riesling”
* Instead of money-changers, Jesus now drives “sub-prime mortgage brokers” out of the temple.
* An additional apostle attends the Last Supper -- “St. Saul Berkovitz, Jesus’ tax accountant, who sits at his right discussing possible deductions.”
* On Palm Sunday, Jesus “enters the city riding upon an Aston-Martin.”
* Easter now falls on a Thursday so as not to conflict with the PGA golf Tour on TV.
FRI, SAT, SUN, March 11, 12, 13, 2011
Moammar Khadaffi has gotten more press coverage this past week than ever before. You should be aware that those medals he wears are total fakes. Well, he does have one authentic one -- the wings a United pilot gave him once during a tour of the cockpit.
I-Phone now has an app that alerts men where to locate free condoms. Women have an app that reminds them that it’s probably not a good idea to sleep over with a guy who can’t afford a condom.
Accutron has developed a watch that keeps time, predicts the weather, and has device that sounds an alarm at home when an elderly loved one wanders beyond preset parameters. May not mean much to you, but Lindsay Lohan can kiss that ankle bracelet goodbye.
Sixty billion dollars is the estimated amount Americans will put down on this year’s NCAA “March Madness.” It’s a little different this time around. The largest payoff will go to the fan who guesses which NBA draft choice will be arrested first.
Genetic scientists have discovered evidence that suggests early man may have had “penile spines” on his genitalia. Which explains earlier archaeological discoveries that Neanderthal men once made condoms out of armadillo skins.
I-Phone now has an app that alerts men where to locate free condoms. Women have an app that reminds them that it’s probably not a good idea to sleep over with a guy who can’t afford a condom.
Accutron has developed a watch that keeps time, predicts the weather, and has device that sounds an alarm at home when an elderly loved one wanders beyond preset parameters. May not mean much to you, but Lindsay Lohan can kiss that ankle bracelet goodbye.
Sixty billion dollars is the estimated amount Americans will put down on this year’s NCAA “March Madness.” It’s a little different this time around. The largest payoff will go to the fan who guesses which NBA draft choice will be arrested first.
Genetic scientists have discovered evidence that suggests early man may have had “penile spines” on his genitalia. Which explains earlier archaeological discoveries that Neanderthal men once made condoms out of armadillo skins.
THURSDAY, March 10, 2011
Near Paris, police found $19 million worth of precious gems stolen from Harry Winston’s Boutique stashed in a drain. It’s believed to be the largest amount of jewelry to end up in a gutter not counting Paris Hilton’s last DUI.
Warner Bros has entered an agreement with Facebook to stream live movies for $3 per each 48 hours. Included will be one free virtual family bucket of popcorn and four Mr. Pibbs available at the virtual snack bar.
The Royal Family released childhood photos of future in-law Kate Middleton. The home movies include Christmases, birthday parties and her fourth-grade play in which she starred as all six wives of Henry VIII.
A Wisconsin Democratic state legislator was brought down while attempting to enter his office in the Capital building. Fish and Game officers used a tranquilizer gun to bring him down before checking him over for injuries and releasing him back into the forest.
Costco has announced that they’ll soon offer a line of designer wedding gowns. They hope to challenge the popular “’Til Death Do Us Part Package” at Sam's Club that includes assorted reception cold cuts, a keg of champagne and a six-tiered wedding cake that feeds 400.
Warner Bros has entered an agreement with Facebook to stream live movies for $3 per each 48 hours. Included will be one free virtual family bucket of popcorn and four Mr. Pibbs available at the virtual snack bar.
The Royal Family released childhood photos of future in-law Kate Middleton. The home movies include Christmases, birthday parties and her fourth-grade play in which she starred as all six wives of Henry VIII.
A Wisconsin Democratic state legislator was brought down while attempting to enter his office in the Capital building. Fish and Game officers used a tranquilizer gun to bring him down before checking him over for injuries and releasing him back into the forest.
Costco has announced that they’ll soon offer a line of designer wedding gowns. They hope to challenge the popular “’Til Death Do Us Part Package” at Sam's Club that includes assorted reception cold cuts, a keg of champagne and a six-tiered wedding cake that feeds 400.
WEDNESDAY, March 9, 2011
CBS sent Charlie Sheen an 8-page letter terminating his services, citing violation of the morals clause in his $1.2 million per-week contract. It gets even worse. The California Department of Employment notified him that benefits will be denied unless he produces evidence that he’s actively looking for another job.
Facebook has released a new application which allows users to report friends who appear to be on the verge of killing themselves. In its first hour online, there were 67,134 alerts posted -- 46% of them reporting Charlie Sheen, but still…
Hall of Fame wannabe Pete Rose is divorcing his wife of 26 years. He’s still the same ol’ Charlie. Yesterday, he placed a $100,000 wager with his bookie on whether he’ll get odd or even weekend visitation with the grandkids.
The most expensive painting ever sold is Picasso’s $106.5 million “Nude, Green Leaves and Bust,” now on display in London. Actually, the only thing more expensive than “Nude, Green Leaves and Bust” is Tiger Woods‘, “Nude Mistresses, Greens Fees and a Busted Marriage.”
Engineers at Mazda recalled 66,000 sedans after reports that spiders were nesting in the gas tank intake vents which could the tanks to burst. On the plus side, some lucky Mazda owners reported getting up to 42 miles per spider.
Facebook has released a new application which allows users to report friends who appear to be on the verge of killing themselves. In its first hour online, there were 67,134 alerts posted -- 46% of them reporting Charlie Sheen, but still…
Hall of Fame wannabe Pete Rose is divorcing his wife of 26 years. He’s still the same ol’ Charlie. Yesterday, he placed a $100,000 wager with his bookie on whether he’ll get odd or even weekend visitation with the grandkids.
The most expensive painting ever sold is Picasso’s $106.5 million “Nude, Green Leaves and Bust,” now on display in London. Actually, the only thing more expensive than “Nude, Green Leaves and Bust” is Tiger Woods‘, “Nude Mistresses, Greens Fees and a Busted Marriage.”
Engineers at Mazda recalled 66,000 sedans after reports that spiders were nesting in the gas tank intake vents which could the tanks to burst. On the plus side, some lucky Mazda owners reported getting up to 42 miles per spider.
TUESDAY, March 8, 2011
Easy Jet Airlines apologized to Jewish passengers after they complained that nothing but pork was served on board. Actually, it was their popular “Luau Express” to Maui during which they roast a pig in one of the engines.
Dr. Christian Lambertsen, man who invented the first SCUBA system in 1941, has died in Pennsylvania at the age of 93. He’s generally credited with doing almost as much to popularize underwater breathing as Pamela Anderson on “Baywatch.”
Despite the most out-of-shape recruits in history, the Pentagon has eliminated push ups, sits ups and jogging from basic training. Their new fitness policy is more in line with their gays in the military: “Don’t Weigh, Don’t Say.”
A radio station in Aschaffenburg, Germany offered listeners a $4,000 prize for the best quote for their headstone. The winner: “Don’t Blame Me. You Ever Tried Living in Aschaffenburg?”
For the first time in history, a sitting pope exonerated the Jews from any blame in the crucifixion of Jesus. Pope Benedict’s pardon was welcome in Israel, but now he must attempt to convince Galliano and Mel Gibson.
Dr. Christian Lambertsen, man who invented the first SCUBA system in 1941, has died in Pennsylvania at the age of 93. He’s generally credited with doing almost as much to popularize underwater breathing as Pamela Anderson on “Baywatch.”
Despite the most out-of-shape recruits in history, the Pentagon has eliminated push ups, sits ups and jogging from basic training. Their new fitness policy is more in line with their gays in the military: “Don’t Weigh, Don’t Say.”
A radio station in Aschaffenburg, Germany offered listeners a $4,000 prize for the best quote for their headstone. The winner: “Don’t Blame Me. You Ever Tried Living in Aschaffenburg?”
For the first time in history, a sitting pope exonerated the Jews from any blame in the crucifixion of Jesus. Pope Benedict’s pardon was welcome in Israel, but now he must attempt to convince Galliano and Mel Gibson.
MONDAY, March 7, 2011
Wedding Gift Suggestions for Prince Bill and Princess Kate
1) A Verizon “Royal 500” Smart phone with step-mother call-blocking
2) Two free crowns at the “Miles O’ Smiles” Dental Clinic on the Isle of Wright
3) A teak deck chair from the Titanic autographed by Kate Winslet
4) Two tickets for Elton John in “The King’s Speech: The Musical” at the Palladium
5) A sample pack of moisturizers and emoluments from Stratford-on-Avon Calling
6) A behind-the-scenes tour of the set of “Doc Martin”
7) A 10% off coupon for the Bangers and Mash Brunch at the “Fox ‘n’ Thistle.”
8) Corgy ankle guards from PetSmart
9) An electric fence activated by Amy Winehouse
10) Moat wings for their first wee-one from “Babies-R-Us”
Dennis Rodman is being considered for admission to the NBA Hall of Fame. In related stories, Moammar Kaddafi and Hosni Mubarak have been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.
The NCAA will soon allow college football players to wear leather gloves in any color they choose. Quite a change for them. Up until now, the were only allowed to wear rubber gloves when accepting cash under-the-table.
The Fidel Castro has authorized a government version of Wikipedia. So far, it’s accuracy is a bit suspect. For instance Desi Arnaz is listed as “Mr. Lucille Ball.”
Christina Aguilera was charged with public drunkenness after failing a roadside sobriety test. Actually she passed, but then made the mistake of making a giraffe out of the balloon.
______________________
(The following is excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, now available for $2.99 from Kindle at http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O These lines first appeared in this blog in February, 2001)
With Tom and Nicole, Alec and Kim and Dennis and Meg, Hollywood is having a record year for celebrity splits. (LA Times) Film colony divorce lawyers have designated Valentines a "National Day of Thanksgiving."
Six couples at the Jamaican resort Hedonism III are celebrating Valentines Day by getting married in the nude. (USA Today) In a reversal of the usual tradition, the guests will throw garters at the brides.
The Beatles "Hey Jude" and Louis Armstrong's "Hello Dolly" are among 31 new additions to the Grammy Hall of Fame. (LA Times) Missing the cut by the width of an eighth note: John Tesh's "Elevator to Nowhere."
Starbuck's has opened a shop in Beijing's Forbidden City. (US News) Most popular blend: French Indochina Vanilla.
Florida has removed the Confederate flag from the capital dome. (USA Today) Right after that Miami cable channel canceled "The Dukes of Hazzard."
The Army's website www.goarmy.com/basic follows six recruits through boot camp. (Time) On the Marine Corps web site, washouts are voted off Parris Island.
The University of Illinois is offering "History 298: Oprah Winfrey, The Tycoon." (US News) It has one prerequisite -- "Martha Stewart's History of the Place Setting."
Doctors at UCLA are testing Prostaglandia E-1 which they hope will be a female version of Viagra. (LA Times) In tests so far it's been about as effective as a candle-lit dinner followed by dancing.
William Shatner has taken wife number four, Elizabeth Martin. (LA Daily News) Issuance of the license was delayed until Bill could name his own price.
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Sigmund Freud who reportedly asked a patient "What should I validate first -- your existence or your parking?"
(Excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, first published in February, 2001. Download on Kindle for $2.99 at: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O )
1) A Verizon “Royal 500” Smart phone with step-mother call-blocking
2) Two free crowns at the “Miles O’ Smiles” Dental Clinic on the Isle of Wright
3) A teak deck chair from the Titanic autographed by Kate Winslet
4) Two tickets for Elton John in “The King’s Speech: The Musical” at the Palladium
5) A sample pack of moisturizers and emoluments from Stratford-on-Avon Calling
6) A behind-the-scenes tour of the set of “Doc Martin”
7) A 10% off coupon for the Bangers and Mash Brunch at the “Fox ‘n’ Thistle.”
8) Corgy ankle guards from PetSmart
9) An electric fence activated by Amy Winehouse
10) Moat wings for their first wee-one from “Babies-R-Us”
Dennis Rodman is being considered for admission to the NBA Hall of Fame. In related stories, Moammar Kaddafi and Hosni Mubarak have been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.
The NCAA will soon allow college football players to wear leather gloves in any color they choose. Quite a change for them. Up until now, the were only allowed to wear rubber gloves when accepting cash under-the-table.
The Fidel Castro has authorized a government version of Wikipedia. So far, it’s accuracy is a bit suspect. For instance Desi Arnaz is listed as “Mr. Lucille Ball.”
Christina Aguilera was charged with public drunkenness after failing a roadside sobriety test. Actually she passed, but then made the mistake of making a giraffe out of the balloon.
______________________
(The following is excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, now available for $2.99 from Kindle at http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O These lines first appeared in this blog in February, 2001)
With Tom and Nicole, Alec and Kim and Dennis and Meg, Hollywood is having a record year for celebrity splits. (LA Times) Film colony divorce lawyers have designated Valentines a "National Day of Thanksgiving."
Six couples at the Jamaican resort Hedonism III are celebrating Valentines Day by getting married in the nude. (USA Today) In a reversal of the usual tradition, the guests will throw garters at the brides.
The Beatles "Hey Jude" and Louis Armstrong's "Hello Dolly" are among 31 new additions to the Grammy Hall of Fame. (LA Times) Missing the cut by the width of an eighth note: John Tesh's "Elevator to Nowhere."
Starbuck's has opened a shop in Beijing's Forbidden City. (US News) Most popular blend: French Indochina Vanilla.
Florida has removed the Confederate flag from the capital dome. (USA Today) Right after that Miami cable channel canceled "The Dukes of Hazzard."
The Army's website www.goarmy.com/basic follows six recruits through boot camp. (Time) On the Marine Corps web site, washouts are voted off Parris Island.
The University of Illinois is offering "History 298: Oprah Winfrey, The Tycoon." (US News) It has one prerequisite -- "Martha Stewart's History of the Place Setting."
Doctors at UCLA are testing Prostaglandia E-1 which they hope will be a female version of Viagra. (LA Times) In tests so far it's been about as effective as a candle-lit dinner followed by dancing.
William Shatner has taken wife number four, Elizabeth Martin. (LA Daily News) Issuance of the license was delayed until Bill could name his own price.
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Sigmund Freud who reportedly asked a patient "What should I validate first -- your existence or your parking?"
(Excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, first published in February, 2001. Download on Kindle for $2.99 at: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O )
FRI, SAT, SUN, March 4, 5, 6, 2011
So far, Charlie Sheen has been interviewed by “Good Morning, America,” “The Today Show,” “The Early Show,” “20-20,” “Frontline,” “CNN’s 360” -- and this afternoon I heard him talking to the girl in my GPS device.
The LAPD Robbery Detail has released a surveillance video of jewelry store robbers absconding with $3 million worth of precious gems. Or, as Lindsay Lohan would refer to it, “a training film.”
The government of Romania will soon prosecute witches and fortune tellers whose predictions fail to materialize. They’re very serious about weeding out phonies. They’ve already convicted Christine O’Donnell in absentia.
Apple recently discovered that some of their sub-contractors in Third World countries have been paying employees sweat shop salaries. It came to light when auditors noticed that Apple wasn’t only the name of the company, but also the mode of payment.
For the first time, beer has been officially classified as an alcoholic beverage by health officials in the former Soviet Union. Now, if they can just reclassify vodka that’s still officially referred to as “The Milk of Mother Russia.”
The LAPD Robbery Detail has released a surveillance video of jewelry store robbers absconding with $3 million worth of precious gems. Or, as Lindsay Lohan would refer to it, “a training film.”
The government of Romania will soon prosecute witches and fortune tellers whose predictions fail to materialize. They’re very serious about weeding out phonies. They’ve already convicted Christine O’Donnell in absentia.
Apple recently discovered that some of their sub-contractors in Third World countries have been paying employees sweat shop salaries. It came to light when auditors noticed that Apple wasn’t only the name of the company, but also the mode of payment.
For the first time, beer has been officially classified as an alcoholic beverage by health officials in the former Soviet Union. Now, if they can just reclassify vodka that’s still officially referred to as “The Milk of Mother Russia.”
THURSDAY, March 3, 2011
Christian Dior head designer John Galliano was arrested in a Paris bar for hurling anti-Semitic insults at a nearby couple. “Absolutely no grounds for the arrest!” insisted Dior celebrity spokesperson, Mel Gibson.
A study has shown that pet owners who sleep with their pets risk many unsuspected health hazards. It can reach even beyond that. A woman in New York was recently granted a divorce after she caught her husband sleeping with his secretary’s poodle.
Barack and Michelle Obama recently hosted a “Salute to the Motown Sound” at the White House. Pure nostalgia, of course. Today the only sound coming out of Detroit is a wrecking ball leveling all the former auto assembly plants.
In Geneva, Rolls-Royce has unveiled the company’s first non-gas powered luxury sedan, the electric Phantom. No batteries, though. Power is generated by the owner’s valet, chef, housekeeper and social secretary taking turns on a treadmill.
In honor of his 80th birthday, Russia has conferred upon former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev the Soviet government’s second-highest honor, the Order of St Andrew. He had already received their highest honor -- they let him live.
______________________
(The following is excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, now available for $2.99 from Kindle at http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O These lines first appeared in this blog in February, 2001)
Steffi Graff is carrying Andre Agassi's child and Russian model Angela Ermakowa claims her 9-month old was fathered by Boris Becker. (USA Today) Looks like tennis players don't wear protective gear off the court, either.
A 150 pound gorilla slipped out of her enclosure at the Pittsburgh Zoo and scarfed down muffins, pastries and soda at the concession stand. (USA Today) Handlers theorize that she planned to cap her escape with an afternoon of shopping.
Former hoopster Charles Barkley managed to post a total score of "0" on a recent episode of "Celebrity Jeopardy." (USA Today) Even though he couched every answer in the form of a question -- "Why did I cut all those classes?"
Caving to pressure from big tobacco, the FAA will allow Aeroflot, Russia's top-of-the-line air service, to land at US airports even though they allow smoking. (USA Today) Gives the passengers something to do while they wait for the ground crew to reattach the wing.
The mayor of Miami was jailed for bopping his wife over the head with a tea pot. (LA Times) He was arraigned and held over night in the Ike Turner Wing of the Broward County Jail.
HBO will air a concert by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band in April. (LA Daily News) There will be a lighter "Early Bird" Concert for viewers 55 and older.
Mohammad Ali's daughter, Laila, will fight Joe Frazier's daughter, Jacqui, in April. (LA Daily News) The tragic downside of "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day."
The city of Santa Clarita, CA has adopted "Abstinence Awareness Week" urging teens to forgo drinking, smoking, drug use, premarital sex and domestic violence. (USA Today) Irate parents are refusing to support it, claiming those things belong in the home.
Camilla Parker-Bowles accompanied Prince Charles for the first time at an official government function. (USA Today) Queen Elizabeth was spotted in the parking lot jamming a potato in the exhaust pipe of their Land-Rover.
A former Disney Channel exec is marketing a trash talking teddy bear that sounds remarkably like a player in the new XFL. (LA Daily News) About the same IQ, too.
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Bonnie who said, "Oh, look, Clyde, they're flagging us down. Must be a church car wash."
(Excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, first published in February, 2001. Download on Kindle for $2.99 at: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O )
A study has shown that pet owners who sleep with their pets risk many unsuspected health hazards. It can reach even beyond that. A woman in New York was recently granted a divorce after she caught her husband sleeping with his secretary’s poodle.
Barack and Michelle Obama recently hosted a “Salute to the Motown Sound” at the White House. Pure nostalgia, of course. Today the only sound coming out of Detroit is a wrecking ball leveling all the former auto assembly plants.
In Geneva, Rolls-Royce has unveiled the company’s first non-gas powered luxury sedan, the electric Phantom. No batteries, though. Power is generated by the owner’s valet, chef, housekeeper and social secretary taking turns on a treadmill.
In honor of his 80th birthday, Russia has conferred upon former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev the Soviet government’s second-highest honor, the Order of St Andrew. He had already received their highest honor -- they let him live.
______________________
(The following is excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, now available for $2.99 from Kindle at http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O These lines first appeared in this blog in February, 2001)
Steffi Graff is carrying Andre Agassi's child and Russian model Angela Ermakowa claims her 9-month old was fathered by Boris Becker. (USA Today) Looks like tennis players don't wear protective gear off the court, either.
A 150 pound gorilla slipped out of her enclosure at the Pittsburgh Zoo and scarfed down muffins, pastries and soda at the concession stand. (USA Today) Handlers theorize that she planned to cap her escape with an afternoon of shopping.
Former hoopster Charles Barkley managed to post a total score of "0" on a recent episode of "Celebrity Jeopardy." (USA Today) Even though he couched every answer in the form of a question -- "Why did I cut all those classes?"
Caving to pressure from big tobacco, the FAA will allow Aeroflot, Russia's top-of-the-line air service, to land at US airports even though they allow smoking. (USA Today) Gives the passengers something to do while they wait for the ground crew to reattach the wing.
The mayor of Miami was jailed for bopping his wife over the head with a tea pot. (LA Times) He was arraigned and held over night in the Ike Turner Wing of the Broward County Jail.
HBO will air a concert by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band in April. (LA Daily News) There will be a lighter "Early Bird" Concert for viewers 55 and older.
Mohammad Ali's daughter, Laila, will fight Joe Frazier's daughter, Jacqui, in April. (LA Daily News) The tragic downside of "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day."
The city of Santa Clarita, CA has adopted "Abstinence Awareness Week" urging teens to forgo drinking, smoking, drug use, premarital sex and domestic violence. (USA Today) Irate parents are refusing to support it, claiming those things belong in the home.
Camilla Parker-Bowles accompanied Prince Charles for the first time at an official government function. (USA Today) Queen Elizabeth was spotted in the parking lot jamming a potato in the exhaust pipe of their Land-Rover.
A former Disney Channel exec is marketing a trash talking teddy bear that sounds remarkably like a player in the new XFL. (LA Daily News) About the same IQ, too.
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Bonnie who said, "Oh, look, Clyde, they're flagging us down. Must be a church car wash."
(Excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, first published in February, 2001. Download on Kindle for $2.99 at: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O )
WEDNESDAY, March 2, 2011
Facebook, whose millionth subscriber was depicted in the movie “Social Network,” has just passed 600 million members, nearly all of whom have a wall with their photo on it. Remember when the only place with photos of losers on the wall was the Post Office?
A Toronto pizza joint, believed to have been dispensing marijuana since the 1960s, was finally closed down by the RCMP. Maybe you’ve heard of it “The Mamas and the Papa John’s”?
A Romanian version of Bernie Madoff, on the run for ten years after bilking elderly victims out of millions, was finally captured after being recognized on TV. His picture had been on so many milk cartons, he was hired as the spokesman for the Romanian Dairy Council.
A Tennessee woman was rescued by a pizza delivery guy used to bringing her a daily order who noticed she hadn’t called in several days and found her
Immobilized. Her cable TV installer will be there next Friday between noon and six pm.
A new study shows that 5.5 million people are bitten by snakes annually, resulting in 125,000 deaths worldwide. Those most likely to be bitten include hikers, campers, herpetologists and those who work near courthouses and ambulances.
______________________
(The following is excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, now available for $2.99 from Kindle at http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O These lines first appeared in this blog in February, 2001)
The rides at Disney's new "California Adventure" include "The Orange Stinger," "The Sun Wheel," "Mulholland Madness" and "The Maliboomer." (LA Daily News) Failing to make it off the drawing board: "Car Jack Caravan," "The Gridlock Getaway," "Simmerin' Smog" and "Rolling Brown Out!"
A New Mexico state senator has petitioned the governor to pardon Billy the Kid who murdered a sheriff and two deputies. (LA Daily News) May not mean much to you, but O.J. is following the case with great interest.
Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise are ringing down the curtain on their 11-year marriage. (AP) All the signs were there, but they had their eyes wide shut.
Kiss has canned their drummer, one of the group's founders. (LA Times) Seems he committed the unpardonable sin of leaving his hotel room without trashing it first.
An ancient square beside the Montparnasse Cemetery in Paris has been renamed Josephine Baker Square. (AP) They're getting dangerously close to renaming the Eiffel Tower the Jerry Lewis Tower.
The Louvre Museum is building a $3.6 million wing to display the Mona Lisa. (LA Times) Her old spot will go to "Five of Mona Lisa's Dogs Playing Poker."
Public singing is so frowned upon in Germany, only 10% of the school children can carry a tune. (LA Times) Which really makes it tough on all those German stand-up comics trying to find opening acts.
A contestant on the first round of "Survivor" has sued CBS, claiming the contest was rigged by the producer. (LA Daily News) "Ridiculous!" sniffed CBS lawyer, Charles Van Doren.
A University of New Jersey study shows that 46% of stroke victims don't seek medical attention at the onset of symptoms. (AP) Their numbness is often mistaken for that of a person merely watching network television.
"Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" is poised to become the highest grossing foreign language film of all time. (LA Times) That is if you don't consider Sylvester Stallone's language in "Rocky" foreign.
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Robin Hood who once told Maid Marian, "I'll be late for dinner. It's Friar Tuck's Bingo Night."
(Excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, first published in February, 2001. Download on Kindle for $2.99 at: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O )
A Toronto pizza joint, believed to have been dispensing marijuana since the 1960s, was finally closed down by the RCMP. Maybe you’ve heard of it “The Mamas and the Papa John’s”?
A Romanian version of Bernie Madoff, on the run for ten years after bilking elderly victims out of millions, was finally captured after being recognized on TV. His picture had been on so many milk cartons, he was hired as the spokesman for the Romanian Dairy Council.
A Tennessee woman was rescued by a pizza delivery guy used to bringing her a daily order who noticed she hadn’t called in several days and found her
Immobilized. Her cable TV installer will be there next Friday between noon and six pm.
A new study shows that 5.5 million people are bitten by snakes annually, resulting in 125,000 deaths worldwide. Those most likely to be bitten include hikers, campers, herpetologists and those who work near courthouses and ambulances.
______________________
(The following is excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, now available for $2.99 from Kindle at http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O These lines first appeared in this blog in February, 2001)
The rides at Disney's new "California Adventure" include "The Orange Stinger," "The Sun Wheel," "Mulholland Madness" and "The Maliboomer." (LA Daily News) Failing to make it off the drawing board: "Car Jack Caravan," "The Gridlock Getaway," "Simmerin' Smog" and "Rolling Brown Out!"
A New Mexico state senator has petitioned the governor to pardon Billy the Kid who murdered a sheriff and two deputies. (LA Daily News) May not mean much to you, but O.J. is following the case with great interest.
Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise are ringing down the curtain on their 11-year marriage. (AP) All the signs were there, but they had their eyes wide shut.
Kiss has canned their drummer, one of the group's founders. (LA Times) Seems he committed the unpardonable sin of leaving his hotel room without trashing it first.
An ancient square beside the Montparnasse Cemetery in Paris has been renamed Josephine Baker Square. (AP) They're getting dangerously close to renaming the Eiffel Tower the Jerry Lewis Tower.
The Louvre Museum is building a $3.6 million wing to display the Mona Lisa. (LA Times) Her old spot will go to "Five of Mona Lisa's Dogs Playing Poker."
Public singing is so frowned upon in Germany, only 10% of the school children can carry a tune. (LA Times) Which really makes it tough on all those German stand-up comics trying to find opening acts.
A contestant on the first round of "Survivor" has sued CBS, claiming the contest was rigged by the producer. (LA Daily News) "Ridiculous!" sniffed CBS lawyer, Charles Van Doren.
A University of New Jersey study shows that 46% of stroke victims don't seek medical attention at the onset of symptoms. (AP) Their numbness is often mistaken for that of a person merely watching network television.
"Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" is poised to become the highest grossing foreign language film of all time. (LA Times) That is if you don't consider Sylvester Stallone's language in "Rocky" foreign.
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Robin Hood who once told Maid Marian, "I'll be late for dinner. It's Friar Tuck's Bingo Night."
(Excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, first published in February, 2001. Download on Kindle for $2.99 at: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O )
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THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!
DOLORES HOPE MEDLEY
DOLORES HOPE "Silver Bells" (with Bob)
BOB HOPE'S 1983 U.S. COLLEGE CAMPUS TOUR: Your Alma Mater Here?
"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
Even Animals Love "THE YouTube WORLDWIDE NEWS"!
THE LAUGH MAKERS is now on KINDLE! (And Kindle equipped devices)
Download THE LAUGH MAKERS to your Kindle within one minute (for $2.99) by clicking on this link:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D9EPO
And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D9EPO
And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ