THURSDAY, December 1, 2011

Drug Enforcement agents discovered a long, fully-ventilated tunnel being used to smuggle marijuana into San Diego.  Now it's being put to lawful use.  After the pot was removed, commuters began using it as an alternative to the bumper-to-bumper 405.

The National league cellar-dwelling Huston Astros will relocate next season to the American League.  Forget the designated hitter rule.  What they're really hoping for are some designated WINS.

The Christmas Season is now in full swing and even the Salvation Army is feeling the effects of the recession.  They're so short of bell-ringers, they had to ask the Defense Department for some whistle-blowers.

Godfather director Francis Ford Coppola confided to an interviewer that he regrets making all those Corleone family sequels.   While he was at it, he apologized to PETA for cutting off the head of a real horse in`the first one.

WEDNESDAY, November 30, 2011

Former "American Idol" winner Ruben Stoddard has been dropped by his wife of three years.  From now on, he plans to marry Kardashians.  He figures if his marriages aren't gonna last, he'd rather have a lifetime of great sex compressed into a couple of months.

A study on urban living shows that rich people walking from room-to-room in their over-sized mansions often forget what they were doing.  Except when they're banished to the den for getting caught doing it with the maid.

A study by Triple A shows that hybrid automobiles are in far fewer accidents than gasoline-powered vehicles.  The difference is attributed to their smaller size, slower speed and when a driver's heart pacemaker suddenly quits on him, the car's battery automatically kicks in. 

According to the danger list issued annually by "World Against Toys Causing Harm,"  the "Samurai "Mega-Blade from Power Rangers is this year's most dangerous toy -- barely edging out the second place finisher, "Let's Play Coach" from Penn State Toys & Games.

TUESDAY, November 29, 2011

Meryl Streep is getting good buzz for her role as Margaret Thatcher in "The Iron Lady."  The title had to be cleaned up to please the American censors.  In Spanish-speaking nations, it's called "Cajonas en 10 Avenita Downing."

Upscale clothier Benetton was forced to withdraw a print ad showing Pope Benedict XVI kissing a Muslim cleric on the lips after Catholics complained.  And that was the scaled-down version.  In the first version, they used an altar boy.

Italian is such an expressive language.  For instance, "paterno" in Italian means "father figure."  Joe must have been that and more to Coach Sandusky.  Almost every weekend, he gave him the keys to the shower room.

Figures compiled by the Census Department show that a college degree today is worth about $1 million over the life of its recipient.  That's nothing.  The ones that NBA players were supposed to get but didn't are worth a hundred times that much.

MONDAY, November 28, 2011

Agreement in the NBA strike settled after players decided to file an anti-trust action against the league.  For those of you unfamiliar with legalese, "anti-trust" is the one Mrs. Bryant always threatens Kobe with to get another ring.

Microsoft has been commissioned to design the rooms for a luxury hotel being built in Paris.  However, their first blueprints were rejected after test subjects reported that they had trouble sleeping in them.  Too many windows.

With mortgage defaults at a record high, unemployment figures through the roof, the national debt set on self-destruct, the U.S. has never been in more dire straits. In fact, there are reports that China is getting buyer's remorse.

The Pentagon has been complaining that if the cuts proposed by the Democrats are approved, the defense Department will end up with their smallest budget since World War II.  On the other hand, isn't World War II the last one in the winning column?

FRI, SAT, SUN, November 25, 26, 27, 2011

It's remarkable these days how people who retire are able to reinvent themselves and find new careers.  Like the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade had two new floats this year -- Larry King and Regis Philbin.

The Food and Drug Administration is being careful to use the $600 million Congress gave them to expose Big Tobacco wisely.  So far, they've pointed out that Joe Camel isn't cool.  In fact, he's not even a camel -- he's a dromedary.

In "The Descendants," now playing in theaters, George Clooney is a member of one of Hawaii's richest family.  In fact, they're so rich they don't even have a regular doorbell.  When someone comes to the door, Don Ho opens it and sings "Tiny Bubbles."  

World Physicists have added three new elements to the Periodic Table which join elements like carbon and aluminum. One of the new ones is even harder than a diamond.  Kobe Bryant has already had a ring for his wife made out of it.

THANKSGIVING DAY November 24, 2001

A government auditor's report shows that the U.S. Postal Service lost a whopping $5.1 billion last year.  The breakdown shows that $1.8 billion went for salaries, $2.6 billion for vehicle maintenance and $700,000 for pepper spray.

A frequent flier has filed a lawsuit against Southwest Airlines over their refusal to honor free drink coupons he's accumulated over the past several years.  I sympathize with the guy but I wish the airlines would just pay their pilots a regular salary like they used to.

Bob Barker told a Congressional committee investigating animal cruelty that circus trainers punish their elephants by making them dance on tiny foot stools.  Hey, Bob, is that any worse than forcing women to stand around pretending to be using household appliances?

A Maine couple age 88 and 87 who met in a nursing home have requested a marriage license from the County Registrar.  If you'd like to send them a gift, they're registered at Bed With Side Rails, Bath & Beyond.

WEDNESDAY, November 23, 2011

On Thanksgiving, ABC will air their first holiday special hosted by Lady Gaga.  It will be a typical Thanksgiving celebration with turkey, oyster dressing, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie.   And that's just her wardrobe.

Former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton has landed an on-air gig with NBC.  Maybe they should think of rescheduling, though.  Her show is between "Cooking with Monica Lewinsky" and "Let's Go White Water Rafting!"

Thanks to massive budget cutbacks resulting in extensive city employee layoffs, the Chicago coroner is so short-staffed, the storage locker at the morgue is now piled high with corpses -- or, as they refer to them in Chicago, "votes."

While she regrets her decision to file for divorce against husband Ashton Kucher, Demi Moore told reporters that she places full blame on the age issue.  She caught him cheating with much younger women.

TUESDAY, November 22, 2011

Parents complained to L.A. Unified School District officials when they learned that a well-known porn star was allowed to read a story to their first-graders.  Until now, nobody had any idea what "The Little Engine That Could" did on his day off.

The producers of "Happy Feet 2" now playing in theaters are defendants in a multimillion dollar lawsuit filed by the Vatican and alleging theft of intellectual property.  The church claims that the penguins' wardrobe was lifted almost entirely from the Little Sisters of the Poor.

Video game fans are flocking to purchase "Call of Duty 3," reportedly the most realistic police video ever made.  Some gamers are taking the advice of the game's makers to add even more realism by playing it in a do-nut shop.

After lengthy and heated negotiations, L.A. Dodger home run wizard Matt Kemp has signed a new contract with the club.  Under the terms of his new pact, he'll receive $160 million in salary and three Hollywood starlets to be named later.

MONDAY, November 21, 2011

The NBA lockout is having devastating effects on businesses that rely on the regularly-scheduled games like restaurants, hotels, and auto-rental agencies.  Without the usual player traffic, Big Five reported a 67% drop in the sale of hand-gun ammo.  

There are now over 500 Starbucks in China.  They're just as over-priced as ours, but over there if you're a little short they'll give you a low-interest loan to cover the balance.

According to the Journal Nature, woolly mammoths coexisted with native Americans as late as 6000 years ago.  Actually, they got along pretty well.  Any Indian who could survive the shearing ended up in an expensive-looking designer suit.

Stung by the toxic mortgages scandal and beset by declining revenues, Citigroup will be forced to cashier over 3000 longtime employees.  They'll also be changing their name to Citi Skeleton Crew.

FRI, SAT, SUN, November 18, 19, 20, 2011

With all her legal entanglements, Lindsay Lohan had a problem scheduling the shoot for her January Playboy spread.  Get ready for this.  She'll be shown naked picking up trash on the Hollywood Freeway.

Never one to miss a marketing opportunity, Nike is has introduced their new "NBA Lockout 500" basketball shoe that will sell for $87.50 a pair.  They were assembled in a Malaysian sweatshop by underage workers on strike.

Won't be long before Nissan will market an electric car with a battery that will charge in ten minutes.  Even with all the technological breakthroughs, some things never change.  What do you bet the key to the restroom will still be on a stick?

The doors at all Target stores will swing open at midnight Thanksgiving to mark to start of "Black Friday," America's biggest shopping day of the year.  Last year's winner was a 120 pound Ethiopian who completed her shopping in a record one hour, 14 minutes, 6 seconds.

THURSDAY, November 17, 2011

GOP hopefuls Rick Perry, Michelle Bachmann and Herman Cain all claim they decided to run after God told them to. Well, now we know what God was doing instead of keeping his eye on the Penn State coaching staff.

Michelle Bachmann told reporters that she doesn't consider water boarding torture and thinks the CIA should do more of it.  In fact, she said she even tried it once on vacation in Waikiki but kept wiping out.

A professional rugby player in the UK is claiming that he had a stroke that made him turn gay.  Not likely when you examine the circumstances.  He had the stroke when someone told him that Bette Midler was retiring.

Duke University hoop legend Mike Krzyzewski has tied Bobby Knight for career coaching wins.  They have lots in common.  Knight was known for throwing chairs across the court.  Mike is famous for doing it while a player was still sitting in it.

WEDNESDAY, November 16, 2011

According to press reports, Eddie Murphy bailed out of his Oscar hosting gig after producer and pal Brett Ratner walked.  Actually, there were creative differences, too.  He was insisting that they let him host the entire show dressed as Gumby.

Clint Eastwood's new movie "J. Edgar" was made with the full cooperation and aid of the F.B.I. in Washington.  They must have really bent the rules for Clint.  I was in the Post office yesterday and Leonardo DiCaprio's mug shot was among the Ten Most Wanted.

Wal-Mart is exploring the possibility of placing fully-staffed medical clinics in all of their stores nationwide.  Good luck.  Sears tried that years ago but shoppers balked -- probably because you had to buy a health insurance policy from the doctor who was also an Allstate agent.

Jane Fonda is currently producing a workout DVD designed especially for seniors.  Problem is, you have to do all the exercises while sitting in a Viet Cong anti-aircraft gun turret.

TUESDAY, November 15, 2011

Convinced that he'll eventually be exonerated from sexual harassment accusations, Herman Cain has agreed to take a lie-detector test to speed up the process.  Typical of a former pizza man, he promised to quit the race if he doesn't deliver the truth within 30 minutes or less.  

Three men robbed a Washington, D.C. bank of $100,000.  Two of them were wearing George W. Bush masks and a third, wearing a Dick Cheney mask, told the teller to hand over all her cash or he'd water board  her.

Lindsay Lohan was released from jail after serving only four hours of a 30-day sentence for violating her probation.  Apparently, in Los Angeles, celebrity pet owners are allowed to convert their sentences into dog years.

Thanks to massive budget cuts, the City Council in Smithfield, North Carolina no longer provides the police department gas for their cruisers.  Next time you're caught in Springfield's speed trap, try bribing the guy with your Shell credit card. 

MONDAY, November 14, 2011

For the first time, the Aflac duck of TV fame will join Charlie Brown and Snoopy in the annual Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.  Executives had to be persuaded to use the customary neoprene rubber to construct the float.  They wanted to blow up Gilbert Gottfreid.

A graduate student at M.I.T. has patented a portable vacuum cleaner that's made out of the box it comes in.  And for the really cost-conscious, prepackaged dust is available for a slight extra charge.

Michele Bachmann promises that if she ever becomes president, she'll have presidents Reagan, Garfield and Coolidge added to Mt. Rushmore.  And she says they'll be carved by a real sculptor, not naturally formed like the present ones.

A crowd of Wall Street protesters camped in a Sacramento park clashed with a group of homeless people who claimed squatters rights.  Governor Jerry Brown was so confused, he didn't know which group to pitch his tent with.

FRI, SAT, SUN, November 11, 12, 13, 2011

After the Penn State Board of Trustees fired coach Joe Paterno for not reporting staff child abuse, Joe issued a formal statement of resignation --  but not before checking the instant replay of the trustees' press conference for loopholes. 

Even at age 84, Joe is nothing if not resilient.  He's already applied for and been hired to host the Academy Awards.

This scandal is the worst in Penn State history.  The whole state is so ashamed, plans have been scrapped to re-issue a Christmas album by Fred Waring and the Pennsylvanians.

Supermodel Heidi Montag has signed with a major publisher to pen her memoirs.  And she's already chosen a perfect title to titillate potential readers --  "Here's the Skinny."

THURSDAY, November 10, 2011

Speculation among royal-watchers in London is that Prince William's new wife Kate Middleton may be with child.  No confirmation from the palace, but tell-tale signs persist.  The couple recently hired a morning sickness lady-in-waiting. 

To curb the spiraling stats on pregnancy and STDs, New York now issues middle school students a life-style "risk card."  Risks include heavy petting . . .  pre-marital sex. . . oral copulation . . . and enrolling at Penn State. 

Chanel has debuted a new perfume entitled "Jersey."  Some may find the new fragrance vaguely familiar.  It smells like Chanel No. 5 that's had a body floating in it.

The CIA monitors five million tweets a day looking for suspicious communications.  They're constantly on the alert for buzz words that could mean trouble --  like "bomb". . . "Allah" . . . "jihad". . . "I.E.D.". . . "Snooki. . .

WEDNESDAY, November 9, 2011

A jury in Los Angeles found Dr. Conrad Murray guilty of voluntary manslaughter in the death of Michael Jackson.  Afterward on the steps of the courthouse, one of the jurors told a reporter it was the prosecutor's poetry that insured conviction -- "If the IV fit, you can't acquit."

L.A. firemen were called out to extinguish a blaze at the famed Magic Castle, the well-known headquarters of the world's leading magicians.  Three firefighters were treated for smoke inhalation, two were levitated and one was sawed in half.

The legendary department store Macy's in New York's Herald Square is boasting that it has the world's largest shoe department with 39,000 square feet.  Sounds great if your feet happen to be square. 

Due to massive budget cuts, city fathers in Smithfield, North Carolina refused to authorize funds to provide their police department with gasoline for their cruisers.  Now when dignitaries are welcomed to Springfield, they get a skateboard escort.

TUESDAY, November 8, 2011

Archaeologists in Patagonia found fossils believed to have belonged to a sabre-toothed squirrel that lived 93 million years ago.  At first, they wondered why a squirrel would need such sharp teeth -- then they discovered Fred Flintstone was using him to crack walnuts. 

The latest Bond film, "Skyfall,"is filming now for release in early 2012.  Longtime fans of the series may be shocked to learn that the effects of the energy crisis have even reached Agent .007.  For instance, his specially-equipped Aston-Martin has been replaced by a stripped-down Aston-Prius. 

According to a survey of national driving habits conducted by Travel & Leisure Magazine, Miami, Florida boasts the worst drivers.  Experts theorize that much of the erratic behavior on the road is the result of obstruction from handicapped parking permits hanging on rear-view mirrors.

Greek prime Minister George Papandreou may be sacked because of the country's economic collapse.  Opposition party leaders say he worsened the debt crisis when he used his Olympic connections to place Greek currency on the Gold Medal Standard.

MONDAY, November 7, 2011

Thick dense fog is being blamed for a horrendous pileup on the thruway outside London that demolished 37 automobiles, lorries and motorcycles.  Americans expressed total shock at the devastation.  No one suspected that the court would allow Lindsay Lohan to leave the country.

Cher is reportedly upset at the "Dancing With the Stars" judges who made fun of Chaz.  Can't blame her.  She's afraid it might harm sales of a new single she'll soon release honoring her son's sex-change operation -- "I Got Rid of You, Babe." 

New York City's Nighthawk Cinema is the first theater in the state to offer patrons cocktails during screenings.  The price may discourage sales, though -- there's a 20-bags of popcorn minimum.

Pro golfer Erik Compton convinced the P.G.A. to allow him to join the Tour even though he's had two heart transplants.  They made an exception to the 14-club-per-bag maximum.  He'll be allowed to carry two paddles.

FRI, SAT, SUN, November 4, 5, 6, 2011

Friends and relatives were shocked when Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from her husband of seventy-two days, Kris Humphries.   Some welcome news, though, for guests who bought gifts.  The couple was registered at "Bed, Bath & If It Doesn't Last Beyond 90-Days You Get a Refund."

A Polish airline pilot is being hailed as a hero after he belly-landed his disabled jetliner in Warsaw.  Setting down there wasn't his first choice but air controllers convinced him that he'd run short of fuel before reaching the Hudson River.

Lindsay Lohan has agreed to appear nude in Playboy Magazine for $1 million.  She did impose a few conditions, though.  The centerfold has to be arranged in such a way that one of the staples covers her ankle bracelet.

Four men aged 65 to 73 were arrested in Gainesville, Florida and charged with domestic terrorism.  Seems they were plotting to destroy the national headquarters of A.A.R.P. using pipe bombs stuffed with Metamucil.

THURSDAY, November 3, 2011

Following the interview of Ruth Madoff on "60 Minutes," Larry King confided to a reporter that he holds no ill will toward Bernie since he recovered all of his $700,000 investment.  Of course, Larry has kind of an inside track.  He went to grammar school with Charlie Ponzi.

The producers of the new Antonio Bandaras starrer "Puss N Boots" used cutting-edge digital motion software to duplicate exactly a feline's natural movements.  There's an intermission halfway through the film when Puss regurgitates a giant hair ball.

The re-release of the six "Star Wars" movies on Blu-Ray raked in $38 million during its first week.  That's the good news.  The bad news is that in the Blue-ray version, Carrie Fisher's hair looks even more like a helmet.

Is nothing safe anymore?  There's a new warning that sugar-free chewing gum can damage teeth.  They discovered it strictly by accident when someone noticed that a wad of it was eating through the metal on the bottom of a theater seat.

WEDNESDAY, November 2, 2011

McDonald's is planning to reintroduce the once-popular McRib Sandwich at most of its
franchises.  It's part of a new program designed to insure that no animal parts go to waste.  In the
coming months, watch for the "McUdder"  and the "McHoof."

L.A. firemen were called out to extinguish a blaze at the famed Magic Castle, the well-known
headquarters of the world's leading magicians.  Three firefighters were treated for smoke
inhalation, two were levitated and one was sawed in half.

China's Ministry of Culture issued a blanket ban on all reality TV programming deemed to be
"overly entertaining."  First to go was the widely popular "Survivor:Taiwan" in which contestants
voted off the island were shot.

According to a census of the earth commissioned by the United Nations, the world is now the
home of seven billion human beings.  And do you think I can get just one of them to show up and
install my new cable TV?